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Chorrol.com _ Fan Fiction _ Maya, the memoirs of a Dunmer amnesiac

Posted by: Linara Oct 10 2010, 03:08 AM

Just giving this writing thing a try, anybody who reads, tell me what you think!
Nell

Chapter One-Part One
In which a Dunmer girl awakes in a cell, and is very confused.

I awoke with a splitting headache. I was cold, lying on a hard bench, in a dank room. I did not stir, experience told me it was wiser to stay still. I lay, shivering now and then, for a while. Minutes passed, then a question floated by in my head. Who was I? I pondered this lazily, and then shock hit me. I had no idea. The questions now came hard and fast: What was I? Where was I? Was this a prison? Am I a criminal?

I shifted my head the slightest bit, and looked at my arm lying on the bench. It was a dark blue, pale as the skin went higher. My hand was small and limp, and an iron shackle encircled my wrist. I felt a bolt of fear, of vulnerability. I was defenseless, and alone. I was unnamed.

For hours I kept my eyes shut, not moving, numb to all but my headache and the pressing loneliness. Several times I drifted off into oblivion, only to hear some phantom noise and start awake. Finally I felt enough was enough. I sat up, wincing as the world spun around me, and waited until the dizziness and pain in my head quieted to a dull growl.

As I peered around my cell- for what else could it be? - I heard a crooning voice.

“I must surely be dead, and in the halls of Azura to look upon such a vision. You are so beautiful, my dear Dunmer maiden...”

I craned my head, trying to make out the voices carrier. The speaker seemed to be like me, a- what had the person said? A Dunmer…- with skin much darker and greyer then mine. The figure was unmistakably male.

The Dunmer continued speaking, and I shuddered as I heard his words.

“ One of the guards owes me a favor, you know. I could get us put in the same cell. Would you like that? You should have some fun before the end. “

What end was he speaking of? Would the authorities of this place kill me for a crime that I could not remember committing?

The Dunmer’s voice grew louder and shriller, echoing in my aching head.

“Yeah, you heard me. No matter what the law says. No matter what they told you. You're going to die in here! You're going to die!”

I shivered again, and pressed myself against the wall, trying to get out of the madman’s sight. I realized that no guard lingered below to keep the prisoners in their cells, that if this Dunmer wished to do so, he could croon these foul things at me all night. My horrible predicament just became worse.

In that moment, I heard a clang of metal, and creaking. Was someone coming? Torchlight flickered against the walls and shadows rose up. Shadows of men.

The Dunmer across from me cackled, muttering something about how I would die now. As the people came into view, four of them, one thrust his elbow into the Dunmer’s cell and hit him squarely in the face.

“Shut up Dreth,” he muttered. “This will be hard enough without your insanity.”

I moved in front of the door, hoping to plead my case, and perhaps they would let me go. Instead, all four stopped the door of my cell, and one man took out keys. I realized that one of the people was a woman, in armor and with a helm on her head when she shouted; “What is this prisoner doing here? This cell was supposed to be off limits!”

One of the men, also in armor, stammered, trying to explain to the woman; “the usual mix-up at the Watch, I-I-I,”

The woman sighed, and said wearily “Excuses Glenroy, more excuses”
She looked like she wanted to say more, but thought better of it.

“Prisoner, stand over by the window!” the guard who it seemed was named Glenroy barked.

The guards didn’t seem to notice that I was barely capable of standing, let alone attack them, but I backed away, and fell on the cold stone bench with a thump.

The man who had elbowed Dreth gave me a strange look, one made of pity and curiosity, but it only lasted for a moment, then he looked away. The woman unlocked the cell door, and stepped forward. It was then that I noticed the fourth person, an old man, wearing a fine robe and a strange red jewel around his neck.

As the guards moved towards the right wall of the cell, the old man peered at me, head cocked at an angle as if he couldn’t see very well.

“You…” he breathed, “I’ve seen you, in my dreams.”

I looked at him in simple surprise, then asked in a small voice, “Do you know who I am?”

Posted by: Acadian Oct 10 2010, 03:21 AM

This is lovely! Some of my favorite elements are present: The game Oblivion and a first person POV.

Your writing is very nice - a pleasure to read and well-crafted.

Your character is off to good start. We know enough of her to already like her and be interested in her plight, yet you have wisely avoided a first chapter data dump. You are also not rushing through things - another wise choice.

Welcome to the Arena! You are off to a great start. tongue.gif

Posted by: Linara Oct 10 2010, 03:39 AM

A first reply from Acadian! It's like an initiation, as far as I can tell. Thank you for the input, hopefully the next part will be up...tomorrow? Well, sometime anyway.
Nell

Posted by: mALX Oct 10 2010, 04:38 AM

This is a really great beginning! Smooth, detailed, great descriptions and inner dialogue, no info-dumping yet we know she is a Dunmer female - my favorite line is this:


QUOTE
asked in a small voice, “Do you know who I am?”


- that vulnerability instantly draws the reader in. I like it a lot, and look forward to MORE !!!

Posted by: SubRosa Oct 10 2010, 04:39 AM

As the Acadian Giant (oh wait, he's not the wrestler, but the paladin) said, nicely written. No huge infodump in the first segment, a character who is easy to identify with thanks to you showing us her vulnerability and uncertainty. Nothing is more boring than an uber-god Marty Stu/Mary Sue.

I wonder who that old man could be wink.gif Seriously though, a character with no memory of their past is an interesting twist on this old tale. She could be anything, just some luckless schmoe who got tossed in the wrong cell, or even a ringer put in play by Akatosh himself.

Several times I drifted off into oblivion
But thankfully not to Oblivion, else she would really be in trouble! laugh.gif Sorry, I could not help but see the humor, given the nature of the ES universe.

one thrust his elbow into the Dunmer’s cell and hit him squarely in the face.
Yay! I actually almost cheered when I read this!

Are you interested in critiques/hearing nits? Not all people are (which is no problem), hence I ask first. I did see a few grammatical errors.

Oh, and take your time posting. There is no hurry. It can take people a while to catch up and keep caught up on all the stories around here (In fact, some of us just do not have time to read them all period). Most of us fall into a schedule of posting every other day, if not in longer intervals.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Oct 10 2010, 11:11 AM

It’s good to see you throwing your quill into the arena, Linara. Maya (I presume it is Maya laying in the cell) is off to a good start. Amnesia is a new one in terms of story starters for an ES based tale. It is a nice way to immediately engage reader empathy while maintaining a sense of mystery about the character. And I think that Baurus' elbow spoke for us all! wink.gif

I’ll have some more, please.

Posted by: treydog Oct 10 2010, 02:01 PM

This is a wonderful introduction to a new character. She asks the questions an amnesiac would ask, but she also is aware of some things- which lead to more questions....

Hooray for Baurus giving Valen Dreth a well-deserved elbow.

Do not rush to post- give your audience time to read and ponder and reply.

I am thrilled to see this addition to the fan-fiction section.

Posted by: Linara Oct 13 2010, 04:56 AM

All:Thank you for the welcome and your kind words! They are a great encouragement, and I hope people will continue commenting as the story progresses. I am very happy to hear nits, they are part of writing a story, not to mention helpful. I'm glad to hear Maya already has readers, she will need bravery ahead and this helps her. Baurus's elbow was an offhand addition, but I realize now that Dreth is definitely the best person to receive it. Rest assured that this won't be the last time that Baurus elbows someone. And now for part two:

Chapter One: Part Two
In which a girl listens and learns

The old man smiled a gentle, knowing smile, and looked as though he would say something, but the female guard interrupted.

“Sire, we must leave quickly, the assassins are on their way.”

The old man turned towards her and said quietly, “Patience Captain. She is confused, and has much to learn.”

He faced me again, and sighed. “I fear she is right though. We must move on, but I will tell you as much as I can.”

The woman pushed a brick in the wall, and a section of it shifted, and slid into itself, and I saw that there was now an escape route from the cell, a way out. Would the guards let me follow them?

I stood up, a bit shakily. One of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade, and pointed it at me. The old man, whom I was beginning to think, was a king, or a prince, sighed once again.

“Glenroy, you and the Captain will lead into the sewers, I will follow with her, and Baurus will close. Please do not threaten her, she can barely stand.“

Without a word, Glenroy and the Captain headed into the darkness, and the old man- Emperor? I wondered- helped me walk over, while the last man, Baurus, followed close behind us.

We went several steps, and I soon realized that without shoes I could go little further. The old man, turned to me when I stumbled, and said “I have seen you in my dreams, several times. You will help me, before the end.”

We started walking again -limping, in my case- and I puzzled over his words. What could I help him with? I was just a…well I probably couldn’t help him. Maybe he was mistaken.

“Who are you?” I asked. My voice shook a bit, and my feet slipped on the damp stone floor. Baurus put a steadying hand on my back, and said in a slightly suspicious voice:

“He is the Emperor of all Tamriel, Uriel Septim the seventh.”

That I should bow was implied in his tone, and I began to lower my head in a curtsy, when the Emperor shook his head.

“Child, there is no need. Under normal circumstances, perhaps, but these are most abnormal indeed. Baurus is correct; I am the Emperor, for a short while longer. You are the messenger, and you can help me.”

My head began to spin again, and the words jumbled inside me. Messenger? Help him? I couldn’t I didn’t know how, I was only a prisoner. A groan escaped me, and the Emperor looked at me with compassion.

“It’s just a little bit longer, then things will begin to straighten themselves out. All will be explained.”

“But I-I,” I whimpered, holding back tears, “I don’t know how to help! And my feet, my head, it just hurts so much…”

With this, the whole group stopped. The Emperor stood straighter, and picked at the red jewel on his neck. In the dim light it looked like a huge drop of blood, poised to fall.

“This,” he said, hand on the jewel, “is the Amulet of Kings. It can only be worn by one with dragon blood flowing in their veins. The Septims have this blood. I have it. My sons, they too had it. But they are dead, and I am not long for this world. With no Emperor, the gates of Oblivion will be opened and Daedra will overrun Cyrodiil. You have been brought here, to take the Amulet to Jauffre, an old friend of mine. He will know what to do with it.”

For once someone else had a question, and it was Glenroy. ”But Majesty,” he said alarmed, “you will make it out of here alive won’t you?”

The Emperor smiled gently, and said, “I think you know the answer to that Glenroy. Everyone must die, even kings and kingmakers.”

I realized that I had been staring at him the whole time, and got my head straight. I was still confused, and lost. I still had no name. But I knew what to do now. I had a purpose. Things were becoming clearer.

And then the first assassin attacked.

Posted by: Acadian Oct 13 2010, 01:57 PM

This continues to be a pleasure to read. Your character is developing a personality and things are proceding at a beautiful pace - I love that you aren't rushing!

Uh oh. Sounds like a fight coming. Gulp!

Nit?

QUOTE
“He is the Emperor of all Tamriel, Uriel Septim the seventh.”
That I should bow was implied in his tone, and I began to lower my head in a curtsy, when the Emperor shook his head.
This is merely a tiny formatting thing. I suspect you intended for there to be a space between these two lines.

Posted by: mALX Oct 13 2010, 02:57 PM

Great Write! More !!!

Posted by: SubRosa Oct 13 2010, 05:00 PM

The Woman With No Name returns! (she needs to get a poncho, hat, and cheroot soon. Not to mention start squinting and talking in a raspy voice... wink.gif) Seriously though, it is great fun to see Maya again. Poor, barefoot girl that she is. That was a nice observation about her lack of footwear, and her trouble walking.

In the dim light it looked like a huge drop of blood, poised to fall.
This was a wonderful description!

nits:
I stood up, a bit shakily, and one of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade, and pointed it at me.
You have a lot of commas here for one sentence. I think you can remove some with no problem, as well as break it up into multiple sentences. Like so:
I stood up a bit shakily. One of the guards, the one called Glenroy, unsheathed his blade and pointed it at me.

The old man, whom I was beginning to think, was a king, or a prince, sighed once again.
Same thing here. For example:
The old man, whom I was beginning to think was a king or a prince, sighed once again.

There are several more instances of the same thing.


For once someone else had a question, and it was Glenroy. But Majesty,”
It looks like Glenroy likes your opening quotation mark a bit too much, as he has grabbed it and hugged it to him. The space ought to be before it rather than after.

Posted by: treydog Oct 13 2010, 08:55 PM

This continues to impress. The changes you have made to the dialogue and the order of things make sense for Maya’s circumstances. What the reader comes away with- at least this reader- is a gentle sense of compassion in the midst of world-shattering events.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Oct 14 2010, 09:43 AM

Even with the shadow of death hanging over him, your version of Uriel VII is still capable of compassion for another. That makes him an Emperor well worth following, and gives Maya all the reason she needs to serve as his messenger.

It may be too early in the story to raise this concern, but if I were to caution you about anything it would be to make sure that you give Maya some strength to go along with her weakness. Given her condition, I’m having a little trouble believing her capable of carrying any message, much less one from the soon-to-be-dead Emperor.

Posted by: Linara Oct 17 2010, 10:39 PM

Acadian: Thank you for catching the nit, and for continuing to read.

SubRosa: Thanks for catching those, think I got them all. My English teacher is always talking about my run on sentences, I really should be more careful. I've always thought about why the prison would pass out shoes, since the prisoners are there to stay in their cells, so Maya missed the shoe give out when she arrived, unfortunately for her.

mALX: Glad you think so! Thank you for reading!

Treydog: I'm happy that my main point, for Maya at least, is that she is just amazed that anyone is being kind to her at all. She is adjusting quickly though, as this chapter may show.

Destri: This chapter was written with your comment in mind. I thought about it long and hard, one of the reasons, for the time in between the last posts. Hopefully this will show that Maya has some strengths, even if she doesn't know them.

All: Here's Chapter Two, which I am making a separate chapter or else chapter one would have been extended forever. Please comment!

Chapter Two Part One
In which trust is given

There were three, no four, of them, with strange rough black armor and red cloth head covers. I was mesmerized as they swung their weapons up and around. Then the Captain was killed.

It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards. Her sword clattered on the rock floor, a few feet away from me. Her murderer advanced towards me, blood dripping from his weapon. I could almost imagine him grinning underneath his mask.

A sudden surge of panic sent me rolling onto the floor, knocking the assassin onto the ground, and putting me an arm’s distance from the Captain's sword. In one fluid motion I grabbed the sword and with an upwards thrust swung it into the assassins throat. He died without a sound.

As I pushed myself off the floor, I could only hear the sound of my breathing, harsh and loud. Then I looked up, and met Baurus’s eyes. He looked shocked, and turned away.

I cleared my throat, and steeled myself to start walking again. It was Glenroy who broke the silence with a muttered, “that was unexpected.”

The Emperor, who also held a bloodstained sword, looked not surprised, but saddened. I avoided his gaze as I kept a firm hold on the Captain's sword, and began limping forward. It was Baurus who stopped me, and caught me as I fell to the ground in a dead faint.

It was only a few seconds later that I came to, but the Emperor already stood before me.

“You’ve killed before,” he said. It was not a question.

I shrugged, and then winced as I began to feel bruises all over. “Probably. I knew what to do, that’s for sure.”

The Emperor nodded, then gave me a hand up. We began walking in silence, the four of us. We soon reached an iron gate, which Glenroy unlocked with a key he pulled from- well actually I have no idea. How do warriors keep things like keys with them? The armor didn’t look like it had pockets.

As we passed through the gate Baurus, bringing up the line, glanced around, and then put his hand on my shoulder. I stopped, and he leaned in.

“Keep the Captain’s sword with you, and out. I have to take another way through, to check for more assassins. I’m trusting you to protect the Emperor.”

My eyes, widened, then I nodded solemnly. I would protect the Emperor with my life, no matter that I was going to be sore, if not dead, for days. Baurus looked relieved, and he slipped away through a side passage I hadn’t seen.

I thought about telling the Emperor, but chances were, he knew. So, we walked along the dark passageways under the Imperial Prison, the three of us, and for minutes things seemed almost peaceful. Almost.

Posted by: mALX Oct 17 2010, 10:51 PM

QUOTE

A sudden surge of panic sent me rolling onto the floor, knocking the assassin onto the ground, and putting me an arm’s distance from the Captains sword. In one fluid motion I grabbed the sword and with an upwards thrust swung it into the assassins throat. He died without a sound.



WOO HOO !!!!!!!! Awesome action scene!!!! MORE !!!!!!

Posted by: SubRosa Oct 17 2010, 11:22 PM

Yay, more Maya! As you said in your comments, here we see her stepping up to the plate and showing that she can handle herself!


nits:
I don't mean to beat on a dead goblin, l but you are still running your sentences out. Here was one of the bigger examples:
It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards, her sword clattering on the rock floor, a few feet away from me.
You might turn this into:
It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards. Her sword clattered on the rock floor a few feet away from me.


and putting me an arm’s distance from the Captain's sword.
You missed an apostrophe in the word "Captain's".

I avoided his gaze as I kept a firm hold on the Captain's sword
And again here.


It was Glenroy who broke the silence with a muttered, “That was unexpected.”
The "t" in that should be lowercase, as you are not starting a new sentence, but rather are still continuing one. When it comes to whether or not to capitalize in dialogue, just ignore the quotation marks.

Posted by: Acadian Oct 17 2010, 11:31 PM

Ahah! So, we gain a dark clue about the amnesiac's past. And brilliantly portrayed by her lethal, almost instinctive reactions.

QUOTE
We soon reached an iron gate, which Glenroy unlocked with a key he pulled from- well actually I have no idea. How do warriors keep things like keys with them? The armor didn’t look like it had pockets.
What a welcome and clever touch of comic relief this was during a dangerous trek through the prison! Bravo!

I am having a wonderful time following this journey! smile.gif

Posted by: treydog Oct 19 2010, 08:50 PM

QUOTE
...which Glenroy unlocked with a key he pulled from- well actually I have no idea. How do warriors keep things like keys with them? The armor didn’t look like it had pockets.


I love this observation. We will have to guard against sneaky Maya/Linara humor, I see.

And yes, she has used a blade before.

You have a real talent for conveying your characters’ personalities through their actions and the dialogue. And that makes for a wonderful story.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Oct 19 2010, 11:25 PM

Ah, Maya shows her teeth! This was fantastic! Now I am just filled with questions about her: Where did she learn to do that? Who taught her? Why? How does someone with her skill wind up in the Imperial City’s dungeon? What happened to her to make her loose her memory?

I am sure all of these questions will be answered in due time, but until then . . .

MORE!!!

QUOTE
It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace, and she fell backwards, her sword clattering on the rock floor, a few feet away from me.

Being someone who is guilty of the more than occasional run-on sentence, I am probably not the right person to be giving advice. But it occurs to me that you could keep this sentence as is by taking out a few of the commas:

It was a quick stroke upwards with a mace and she fell backwards, her sword clattering on the rock floor a few feet away from me.

Posted by: Linara Oct 26 2010, 06:18 AM

SubRosa: Thanks for pointing out those nits, I got them.
Acadian: You aren't here, but I want to thank you anyway for your continued reading and comments.
Treydog: It is both Maya and Linara humor, although Maya is working her personality more then I thought she would.
Destri: Questions are good, very good. I will try to answer them as best I can. In the meantime, thank you for reading!
All: Thank you all for reading, and continuing to encourage me. It helps more then you know. This is, unfortunately, a completely actionless scene, although we do discover something about Maya- erm, nameless Dunmer girl- from the Emperor. And also, I will post tomorrow to make up for an extremely short segment.

Chapter Two Part Two
In which the above happens

While the Emperor, Glenroy and I traversed the- tunnels? Sewers? - Well somewhere dark and slimy at any rate, I began to think about myself. What I knew. So far, I knew I was a female Dunmer, probably on the youngish side, and a well-honed blade skill. But what else was I?

I tried to think about it, but my head started to fill with white wispy fog, and I shook it violently, and then forced my eyes ahead to the gloom. Baurus was still not back, and I began to get worried. What if he had been killed? Or bitten by some sewer monster and dragged away to it’s lair?

As possibilities began to fill my head, I became even more scared. Finally I reached out, and touched the Emperor lightly on the shoulder. He turned immediately, and his eyes widened as he took in the fact that Baurus was not with us. Uh oh.

Glenroy, hearing our footsteps stop, turned as well, and his eyes gleamed with an accusatory look directed, I was sure, at me.

“What did you do to him?” he cried with vehemence.

I backed away with the Captain’s sword in my hand, and it started to point at him. I forced my hand down.

“It wasn’t me,” I cried, scared. “He told me to take the rear, and he would take the other route, make sure it was safe. I didn’t do anything to him, I swear.”

Glenroy didn’t look like he believed me, and his eyes narrowed further.

“You lie.” His voice was scaring me even further.

Finally the Emperor spoke, and I almost fainted with relief to hear a tone that was not full of menace.

“She is telling the truth,” he declared, with a simplicity that made me like him even more. “She would not kill him anyway, the One could not send someone so corrupted.”

I gulped, and nodded quickly. I didn’t want Glenroy to run me through with his sword. With a scowl that was even angrier then his glare, Glenroy turned and began to walk through the tunnels once again, torch held in his hand. The Emperor gave me a reassuring smile, and then turned likewise, and we began to move forward again. I missed Baurus.

Posted by: SubRosa Oct 26 2010, 06:29 AM

Do not worry about not having lots of killing in very post. To be honest, I find the Fs where authors feel it is necessary to kill something every single post to be extremely boring. IMHO, the best "action" is what takes place in a character's head and heart. Not to mention in their relationships with others.

I backed away with the Captain’s sword in my hand, and it started to point at him. I forced my hand down.
I really liked this. This is the kind of action I prefer. The kind that tells us something about the protagonist, in a very subtle way.


Posted by: Destri Melarg Oct 26 2010, 10:02 AM

QUOTE
This is, unfortunately, a completely actionless scene, although we do discover something about Maya- erm, nameless Dunmer girl- from the Emperor.

I agree with SubRosa. I hope I didn't give you the impression that we needed to see more bloodletting. In commenting on Maya's strength, I was referring to that strength of character that makes a protagonist proactive rather than reactive. This chapter is filled with humor, action, mystery, suspense, and drama. You managed to do all that in this short post, and no one had to die. wink.gif

Posted by: Acadian Oct 26 2010, 11:10 PM

Wonderful again! As said above, some nice character illumination and a touch of humor in Maya's observations. Hey, combat happens when the story dictates that it happens - no need to push it into stories that don't require it. We're truly not bloodthirsty here. tongue.gif What counts is to show us your character - just as you are so ably doing! goodjob.gif

Posted by: Ginner Oct 27 2010, 12:29 AM

I like how you put such a simple element of the game into such detail. A very good, intriguing start, I hope to read some follow - ups. smile.gif

Posted by: treydog Oct 27 2010, 08:59 PM

Especially on this forum there is no need to apologize for not having “action” in every post. In fact, many of us are more interested in what goes on in the character’s head and heart than in fighting. The truth is, after the fiftieth (or 500th) battle, it gets old. But learning about the character, seeing what makes her tick…. Just search the threads for “character-driven story” and you will see what we mean.

The last line is as good a reason as any to stop this episode where you did. The Emperor’s insight, Glenroy’s (justified) paranoia, and Maya’s struggle to remember- all of that makes for compelling story-telling.

Posted by: Linara Oct 29 2010, 04:35 AM

Destri:My comment was merely me wondering if the extremely slow pace of the story was boring anyone. Evidently not smile.gif
All:Thank you for your comments, and for your continued...reading, I guess. That includes all of you who don't comment! Another very short chapter, with a focus on someone other than Maya Dunmer girl person. Tell me what you think!

Chapter Three
In which there is some fighting and something strange

Baurus unfortunately was not in the position to miss the strange Dunmer girl. At the moment he was trapped in a corner, with two assassins closing in on him. His blade flashed twice, and the first assassin clutched his side as blood welled around the sword wound, but this did not deter the second assassin in the least, and he advanced even more quickly, mace held high over his head.

The assassin swung down, Baurus ducked and felt the mace miss him by an inch. As he thrust out a steel clad boot, and tripped the assassin, the second continued to pull himself closer to the fight. The strange armor that protected the assassins started to crumble, and flakes of it fell to the stone floor.

The first assassin fell to the ground, but managed to kick Baurus in the stomach as his feet swung up. His armor was falling to pieces at a faster rate, and within seconds Baurus could see the thick red robe that he wore underneath.

Both assassins gave cries of surprise and dismay as their maces disappeared, and the second collapsed on the ground and lay still, perhaps giving up completely. However, the first was not one to admit defeat so quickly, and as he scrambled to his feet, he lunged at Baurus, his mask-less face full of rage.

As Baurus shoved the assassin away, with his sword swinging in a wide arc and nearly clipping the assassin’s arm, a shaft of light shot through the tunnel where they fought, and Baurus put up an arm to block the bright rays. He heard shrieks of pain, then silence. He warily lowered his arm, not knowing what to expect. What he found, or rather what he didn’t find, was most surprising.

The assassins had vanished, and no sign of the struggle remained but the blood on the ground, and Baurus’s exhaustion. He fell to his knees and sent up a quick prayer to Akatosh. There was no time to contemplate the miracle that had just occurred, he had to continue through the tunnels, and kill the rest of the assassins. He knew that there were probably more past every corner, scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches.

He rose to his feet, head bowed by exhaustion for only a moment, then he continued onward, for the Emperor.

Posted by: SubRosa Oct 29 2010, 05:53 AM

Yay for Baurus! I loved the trip he used! One of the things often overlooked by writers and filmmakers both is the importance that wrestling played in sword-fighting, especially armored sword-fighting. Tripping or throwing an opponent to the ground is one of the surest ways to create an opportunity to strike at the points their armor doesn't protect.

scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches
Ewww! Which is to say, and excellent metaphor! goodjob.gif

The strange light was interesting. I wonder what that was! Perhaps the doings of a strange Dunmer girl? Or is something else afoot? I sense the scaly claw of a time dragon...

nits:
his mask less face full of rage.
I think you wanted mask-less. Otherwise it reads like a mask minus a face.


He knew that there were probably ones past every corner
Ones sounds kind of odd. Perhaps a word like more would flow better?

Posted by: Acadian Oct 29 2010, 02:22 PM

A shift from first person Maya to third person Baurus for the perspective here. How neat! And well-done I might add. That is, by detailing this entire episode in the different perspective, it worked beautifully.

I enjoyed your presentation of how the Mythic Dawn bound armor and weaponry deteriorated on the assassins.

Like FriendRosa, I am intrigued by the mysteriously bright help Baurus received. smile.gif

Posted by: treydog Oct 29 2010, 10:18 PM

Baurus is always one of my favorite characters- a steady no-nonsense guide for the player character. And yes, there is definitely a mystery here- or another one. Don’t worry about speed or word-count; your loyal fans are addicted to this story. One advantage of Chorrol’s smaller membership is that stories don’t get pushed off the front page so quickly. And even if yours does, we will still seek Maya (sorry, unnamed Dunmer girl) out.

Posted by: Doommeister Nov 2 2010, 04:38 PM

Linara, I'm loving the story so far. Like other, more notable posters have said, don't worry about the post length, the length of time, or anything else biggrin.gif it gives us time to relish the thought of more.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Nov 2 2010, 11:53 PM

I loved the visual of the assassin’s armor crumbling as the spell wears off. Like true fanatics they give no thought to personal safety in their zeal to clip Baurus. One would think that it would not have been difficult to simply recast the spell before wading into battle with an experienced Blade. Good thing zealotry trumps reason, eh?

Now we have the mystery surrounding the source of that blinding shaft of light. Could it be that there are more agents at play in the catacombs?

Posted by: ureniashtram Nov 5 2010, 04:30 AM


Hey! I just caught up (I'm late as usual with stories) with this wonderful piece of FanFic, and let me tell you; Wow. An amnesiac for a Hero! That is just something you just don't see everyday.
I love how memories/strange reflexes occur when May-ahem-nameless Dunmer girl wields a weapon. The way you have with words instantly draws audiences in! Nicely done!

Posted by: Linara Nov 12 2010, 05:21 AM

All: After a two or so week break, I have started writing again. Unfortunately, it took about two weeks to get this short chapter out. It's good to be back at writing!

SubRosa: Thanks for pointing out those nits. Yes, I felt Baurus at this point just wanted to get himself out of the situation, and a well-timed trip seemed appropriate.

Acadian: The mystery doesn't get explained yet, maybe soon. I'll have to think of a suitable explanation wink.gif

Treydog: Baurus definitely fit into Maya unnamed dunmers world, as soon as I started writing her. I'm glad the 3rd person worked, I thought it would be better than trying to write Baurus himself.

Doommeister&ureniashtram: Thank you both for reading, I hope you continue to read and comment, and that you enjoy it!

Destri: There is definitely something strange in the catacombs, and we may discover it soon...until then, stranger things may happen. Glad the armor crumbling didn't seem offbeat.

And now for the feature presentation: Or a short part of it, anyway.

Chapter Four
In which Baurus and Maya are very relieved

I may have been a rabbit before I woke up in the cell. There’s magic that can do that, right? As it was, after about forty minutes in the dank, gloomy tunnels, I jumped at every noise, including my own footsteps. Glenroy would occasionally look back and curl his lip at me. It did not help in the slightest.

The Emperor, self-assured and all, was much more calm, and gave me a reassuring smile at times. But I couldn’t help it. I needed Baurus. And he wasn’t coming back. Or so my mind kept telling me, thinking of a thousand ways he might have been ambushed, killed or lost.

So I may have been slightly relieved when two assassins attacked us from behind. Or I may not have been, because I found myself fighting for my life, and forgetting all about the Emperor within seconds.

One assassin ran at me, swinging his mace with dreadful inaccuracy, and a thrust with the Captain’s blade into his chest soon killed him. The other assassin was luckier, and managed to reach the Emperor before he was stabbed with a short sword and then beheaded by Glenroy.

It was in the aftermath, when we were all gasping for breath and checking for injuries that Baurus ran up, slightly bloody and winded. His eyes went to the Emperor’s, and a relieved look fell over his face.

“How many?” It was my voice that asked the question of him, though I did not really wish it.

Baurus shrugged, winced and then replied, in a hoarse voice, “Six of them. Two at once, then one at a time, after that.”

Glenroy looked impressed, but I couldn’t stop worry from showing on my face. However, it was the Emperor who spoke next.

“Are you okay? Did anything else happen?”

Baurus’s face paled, and then he nodded, once.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Nov 12 2010, 09:49 AM

It’s good to have you back, Linara. And it’s good to have Maya the unnamed Dunmer girl back as well. Her time in the tunnels has toughened her. Whereas before she could barely walk, now she is dispatching assassins with enough ease to comment on their lack of skill. Maybe it is proximity to the Emperor that has inspired this change in her, or could it be fear-induced adrenaline that has her so frosty?

Posted by: Acadian Nov 12 2010, 02:43 PM

It's great to have you back! You style is delightful, so don't worry about the length of your posts or your frequency.

QUOTE
I may have been a rabbit before I woke up in the cell. There’s magic that can do that, right? As it was, after about forty minutes in the dank, gloomy tunnels, I jumped at every noise, including my own footsteps.
I liked this very much. It gives Maya a rather endearing voice, establishes a touch of tongue-in-cheek in your writing, and is quite clever and fun!

QUOTE
I needed Baurus. And he wasn’t coming back. Or so my mind kept telling me, thinking of a thousand ways he might have been ambushed, killed or lost.
Our amnesiac seems a bit taken by the brave Baurus. I really think he is a neat character in the game - very easy to like and respect. smile.gif







Posted by: haute ecole rider Nov 12 2010, 02:58 PM

Ah, no, my dear Acadian.

Baurus is an easy man to fall in love with. wub.gif

Linara, this is quite an interesting take on what is probably the most difficult part for most TESIV writers - the tutorial dungeon. If you're unlucky enough (like me) to be stuck on a console with no mods, then it's a real b***h. So far you're doing well with this.

Posted by: SubRosa Nov 12 2010, 05:43 PM

Yay for Linara and the unnamed Dunmer prisoner! smile.gif

Lots to like here. Linara's comparison of herself to a rabbit. Glenroy's lip curling in contempt. And of course Linara wishing the Blade who didn't want her dead was still around.

No nits this time. Just a good story. goodjob.gif

Posted by: mALX Nov 12 2010, 07:48 PM

To me, this line was a small detail that few remember to add in their tutorial versions:

QUOTE

It was in the aftermath, when we were all gasping for breath and checking for injuries that Baurus ran up, slightly bloody and winded. His eyes went to the Emperor’s, and a relieved look fell over his face.


Most FF's describe the protagonist's gasps for breath - you took it that extra step and made the scene come to life and feel like a real battle had taken place by including the struggles and exhaustion of those around you as well. Bravo!

Posted by: Winter Wolf Nov 13 2010, 09:30 AM

Yippee, a new story to read. smile.gif

I loved the pacing in the first few chapters, your style of writing really suited the amnesiac tale that you are telling. Very few 'repeats' of the tutorial dungeon seem to grab my attention these days, but this one was really good. The character with no memory has allowed you to literally take the adventure any direction that you like, and helps the reader immediately care about the protagonist. I am curious to see what you plan for your writing style as much as your character. This could end up being a mystery, comedy or serious drama, who knows?!

It is good that you are trying to follow the advice of the amazing writers here at Chorrol.
If SageRosa says that there are 'no nits this time,' then that is really all the guidance you need to point your story in the right direction.

Posted by: treydog Nov 13 2010, 04:09 PM

The first paragraph is another wonderful bit of characterization, for both the U.D.G. and Glenroy. You show a real talent for providing visual and emotional cues based on the character’s actions and expressions- have to love her new-found dependence on Baurus.

Posted by: Linara Nov 16 2010, 05:10 AM

Destri:It's very good to be back! The unnamed Dunmer girl (U.D.G.) is indeed toughening up. But is it only a temporary improvement?...

Acadian:
Well there has to be some humor, writing these later chapters its a huge slaughterhouse, and tongue in cheek is what I do best! I think... Baurus and his kind are exactly the kind of person an amnesiac needs, strong, loyal and caring.

Haute ecole rider:
That's seems to be what the U.D.G. is thinking! Yes, I too am stuck on a console, but I never skip the dungeon. It's an integral part of learning the character, and becoming comfortable with them. So far this is a character only on paper, but maybe one day...

SubRosa:
Thank you Rosa. Probably plenty of nits this chapter I'm sure, but I think it needed to be rougher than usual.

mALX:Thanks mALX.

Wolf:Thank you Wolf. I've been trying to make this interesting, as far as I know how, and so far it's doing alright, I think. The tutorial didn't hold much interest to me until I started writing this, and now I'm a little curious to see how it actually plays out.

Treydog: U.D.G. I love it! As you can see it's beginning to stick, to me anyway. Thanks treydog!

All: And now part one of the latest chapter. Most of you know what will happen, but I've done my best to make it from the unnamed Dunmer girl's point of view. Enjoy, and no spoilers!

Chapter Five-Part One
In which a girl is numbed

The tunnel was quiet as we waited for Baurus to speak. After several moments he took in a deep breath, then began to talk.

“When I was attacked by the first assassins, I wasn’t completely ready. I was thinking about other things, and they just jumped me. I managed to get one down, but the other was fighting pretty well, for a crazy man, and he had the advantage. It was while we were fighting that their armor started to fall apart. It literally fell apart, in pieces, and disappeared. Then their weapons started to deteriorate as well, and this bright light shot through the tunnel we were fighting in. I covered my eyes, and when I opened them, both of the assassins were gone. Just gone…” his voice started to wobble, and the Emperor put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“The Nine are watching over you, Baurus.” He turned and looked at me with a glint of curiosity.

“I wonder though…” His thought trailed off unfinished, and we set off towards the end of the tunnels, or so I hoped. I promised my exhausted feet that if I got out of this alive I wouldn’t walk for at least a week.

“Any idea how much longer?” Glenroy grumbled, looking at me with suspicious eyes every so often.

The Emperor’s velvet clad shoulders shrugged, and we kept walking. As the tunnels began to square, and the floor grew smoother, we all grew tenser. Glenroy glanced back several times, pupils dilated, and I was tempted to sneer. Old habits told me not to, and I looked down at the floor, worn and cracked stone with moss growing in between. It felt much better on my feet, and I paused for a moment to enjoy the softness.

When I looked back up, the situation had changed with remarkable speed. I could see several red-robed assassins running at us, and I heard Baurus’s shouts as he positioned himself between the Emperor and the assassins.

I ran up, sword out and ready, already seeing nothing but the attackers, focused on only my own survival. Somewhere inside, I felt selfish, but it was too late to think about such things. The four of us fought, swords flashing in the dim light.

The assassins kept coming, although the wall Baurus, Glenroy, and I made kept many of them out, and away from the Emperor. But there came a time when the three of us were tired, even more tired then before, and the Emperor joined our line, short-sword glistening with blood.

It was after bodies covered the floor in front of us, and blood ran everywhere, that Glenroy fell. We were slaughtering more of the innumerable assassins when I heard a cry of pain, and a hoarse shout. There was only time to glance over and acknowledge the death, a point scored on the assassin’s side. Then the fighting continued.

Posted by: Acadian Nov 16 2010, 05:49 AM

Maya continues to show her skill, and will to survive (,and sore feet tongue.gif ) .

QUOTE
The Emperor’s velvet clad shoulders shrugged, and we kept walking. As the tunnels began to square, and the floor grew smoother, we all grew tenser.
Beautifully written, this. smile.gif

And after Glenroy falls, did I read correctly? Score another for the assassins? Does that mean the Emperor just fell?

Posted by: Remko Nov 16 2010, 12:14 PM

I have a thing for (Female) Dunmer (no, not like that tongue.gif ) so I was easily drawn in by this good story.
The elbow in Dreth's face made me smile.

Keep it up cool.gif

Posted by: SubRosa Nov 16 2010, 06:01 PM

Yay, more u.D.g. smile.gif

The Emperor's pronunciation that it was the Nine that protected Baurus seems prophetic. Given his own inevitable death. It implies that Baurus is being saved for something that he (the Emperor) is not.

I liked the extra description you gave to the change in the surface of the floor, noting how the moss made it softer. Much more comfortable for our barefoot u.D.g.!

@Acadian: I believe that point scored was Glenroy's death.


nits:
I ran up, sword out and ready, already seeing nothing but the attackers, focused on nothing but my own survival.
You have a repetition of the word nothing in the same sentence. I think you might just change the second instance to only (and drop the "but").

Posted by: Destri Melarg Nov 17 2010, 09:30 AM

I like the new twists that you are giving this. The image of U.D.G fighting back to back with the Blades for the life of the Emperor gives a great deal of impact to this chapter.

one nit:

QUOTE(Linara @ Nov 15 2010, 08:10 PM) *

The tunnel was quiet as we waited for Baurus to speak. After several minutes he took in a deep breath, then began to talk.

'Several minutes' seems like a long time to wait for a professional warrior to gather himself, especially given that assassins are still bearing down on them. Spending his life so close to the Emperor, one could imagine that Baurus would be accustomed to seeing things that defied easy description.

Posted by: treydog Nov 17 2010, 06:17 PM

Our poor u.D.g.’s poor feet! The consistency of the characterizations is again clear- Glenroy’s suspicion, Baurus’ loyalty, and Uriel’s mystic fatalism. And into this mix we have several mysteries, not least the source of the light that dispelled the assassins’ armor and weapons. The former prisoner is also showing herself as no stranger to sword-work.

Posted by: Linara Nov 29 2010, 04:19 AM

Remko: Glad you like it. It's tough stuff to write, and its hard to turn out stuff on a weekly basis. Baurus's elbow is becoming increasingly popular.

SubRosa: Thanks for explaining that. Yes, Baurus is destined for greater things.

Destri:Thank you for pointing that out, I changed it to moments. Yes, considering the Jagar Tharn mess, Baurus would be used to the very strange.

Chapter Five-Part Two
In which an Empire begins to crumble


There was blood everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, all over me. And bodies, so many bodies. There air rang with the cries of corpses to come, the smell of death hung heavy in the tunnels.
*Earlier*

The Emperor lay gasping for breath on the blood-slicked floor, the wound in his side dyeing his purple robes. He looked up at me beseechingly, and his lips trembled as they tried to form words that had to be said.

“You have been so…so brave…” He struggled with each word, and I shook my head pleadingly, begging him to save his strength, to live.

“My sons have been killed…but there is one left…a-a boy…Martin…Kvatch…take the amulet…” His breathing grew harsher and more inconsistent, but still he tried to talk.

“S-so brave…” His head fell back and his breathing stopped. I stayed there, kneeling, as the blood around me began to dry. I could here the clang of metal against metal, and I knew that Baurus still fought, but to what end? The Emperor was dead.

*Present*

I felt a light touch on my shoulder, and whirled around, sword at the ready. In the process I nearly chopped off Baurus’s nose, and he stumbled back, alarmed, but only for a second. He was breathing heavily, and I noticed that for the first time in what felt like years no assassins were trying to kill of us. Of course they wouldn’t, since they already achieved their goal, I thought bitterly.

Then I noticed that I couldn’t feel my knees, and I pitched forward, nearly falling on a dead assassins body. Baurus caught me, and helped me to sit down, against a wall. We sat there quietly, at a loss and defeated.

“So,” Baurus finally said. “So what now?”

We looked at each other, then back at the carnage that faced us.

“Well…” my voice trailed off as I thought of what the Emperor had said to me.

“The Emperor said something about another son to me.”

“Another son?” Baurus sounded puzzled. “Not the Emperor. He was always faithful to his wife, although she was a shrew. Still is, far as I know. No, I don’t think he would do something like that…”

“His name is Martin, and he lives in Kvatch,” I said quietly. “Where’s Kvatch?”

But my question went unanswered, as Baurus was staring at me with wide eyes.

“Are you sure his name is Martin?” His voice was low with urgency, and I nodded quickly, a little frightened by his tone.

“I have to ride to Kvatch, right away. If the assassins find out about Martin there is no hope for the Empire. “

Baurus gently took the amulet from around the Emperors neck, and tucked it away. He stood up, and turned back to me.

“I…” His voice trailed off, and I felt myself start to pale.

“Just follow me out of the sewers okay? I’ll show you how to get to the City; then-“ He stopped, turned away, and started walking.

“I guess we’ll see what happens,” he said, so quietly that I could barely hear him.

“I guess we’ll see,” I murmured, and than I followed him.

~~~

All: So there it was: The toughest thing I've written in a long time. The inevitable chapter, and all that. The crossroads of plot has finally come, and so it may be awhile until something gets put up. Should the unnamed Dunmer girl try to discover her past, or help Baurus in the search for Martin and all the Main Questery? Decisions, decisions...What do you guys think?

Posted by: SubRosa Nov 29 2010, 05:29 PM

Very original take on the old tale of the Emperor's death! I liked how you flashed back and forth from past to present. It kept things tight and moving, without getting bogged down. Also a very good and sensible course of action on the part of Baurus taking the amulet and decided that he would be the one to go find Martin. It does make a lot of sense that the secret agent would be the one to do that!

So what next? I take you you have not decided? Perhaps you could do both, and have the u.D.g. tag along with Baurus and in so doing, learn more about her past. I do not know what you have worked out concerning that, so it is hard to offer any specifics. But it could be as simple as she starts having memories of her past while she goes about the MQ with Baurus. Or they find the places they visit have people who knew her. Perhaps she is a Kvatchian for example? Or there is someone at Weynon Priory who knows her? That sort of thing.

It would be nice for us to have a reason to start calling her Maya, rather than the u.D.g... wink.gif


nits:
There air rang with the cries of corpses to come, and death was in the air.
Two things here. First I think you meant "The air" at the beginning? The second is that there is repetition of air in the same sentence. Perhaps you could remove the last one by saying something like "death loomed like a pall" or "death shrouded all"


the wound in his side dying his purple robes.
I think you want dyeing here.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Nov 29 2010, 10:26 PM

Ah, so it is Baurus that takes the amulet in your version of events. Well, if you want my opinion, I think her next course of action is obvious. It was the Emperor who both freed and empowered her. That same Emperor now lies in a pool of drying blood. Intermingled with thoughts of vengeance would be a desire to see the will of the now dead Emperor done. To my recollection we have never had a story where the main character ventures to Kvatch in the company of Baurus. Will they bypass Weynon Priory, or will Baurus insist that they make their report to Grandmaster Jauffre? The mystery surrounding her own identity is of secondary concern when placed against the fate of the Empire itself.

On to Kvatch! wink.gif

Posted by: Acadian Nov 30 2010, 02:08 AM

The changes you have incorporated surrounding the Emperor's death are reasonable and flow quite naturally. It is a fun balance between the familiar, and the way it might have been. Good job!

Advice going forward? Ask your character what she wants to do, and listen carefully to her. If she needs some coaxing, ask her the following questions:
- How do you feel about the Emperor?
- Is 'The Empire' important to you? If so, why?
- How do you feel about Baurus?

Posted by: treydog Nov 30 2010, 10:36 PM

It’s good that you moved away from the forced entry to the main quest and are making the story your own. And I think that is the answer to your question. Whatever you do (or have u.D.g. do) next, it will be your own vision. She will emerge from the sewers- what will she do? Will Baurus offer advice- a contact- money-an introduction to a guild steward? Although he is consumed with his mission, she was a comrade-in-arms, however briefly- he does not seem the sort to leave her without any guidance….

Beyond that- what is your vision for this character? What do you want her to do? What does she want most-right at this moment? How will she get it? Whatever you decide, I will read with interest.

Posted by: Linara Dec 7 2010, 05:39 AM

SubRosa:Thanks for catching those nits, Rosa. Yes, it was true that I had not decided what the U.D.G. would be doing next. I don't usually do a past present switch, but I thought that in this case it worked pretty well.

Acadian: Thank you for your advice Acadian! As you will see below, advice was followed.

Destri Melarg:Spoken like a true historian and writer of a bigger picture, Destri! Thank you for your advice!

Treydog: Thank you for your advice treydog, it was very helpful.

All: So it finally happened. The U.D.G. is finally leaving the sewers. I'll admit, it was tempting to send her off to discover her identity. Then I read what everyone was saying, and so, I asked Maya. Her answer was very clear, so a different course of action is being taken. Thank you everyone for your advice, and your comments through this!
It took research and determination to get through this chapter, but I'm glad I did.

(On a research side note: Has anyone else thought that the people on the Imperial Library forums are a bit...rude? Beg pardon if anyone is on there, but I've never read the words of a less welcoming TES fan.)

And now: The end of the tutorial dungeon, and a new direction.

Chapter Six

In which we step through a grate

Baurus and I stepped through the open sewer grate, and thus ended a living nightmare that had seemed days long. We had made it through the sewers in relatively short order. Neither of us spoke during that time, except to alert each other to the numerous goblins that would throw themselves against us in a suicidal manner.

I covered my eyes as we exited, and cowered beneath a sun I could not remember shining. Baurus waited until I could stand the light, then we both seated ourselves on the ground and avoided looking at each other. I took stock of our surroundings, my eyes watering as I gazed in wonder.

There was a river near us, and a dock that led into it. Across the river were trees and hills, and perhaps a stone ruin, but I could not tell for sure. My eyes were enchanted with the color of the place, and I rejoiced in the cool breeze that ran across my skin.

It was when I touched the sword at my side that I remembered. The drying goblin blood painted my fingers a greenish yellow, which I knew would stain my clothing should I try to wipe it off.

The blood jolted me back to the present, a place I did not particularly want to be. In the present, Baurus was planning to abandon me as soon as we reached the Imperial City, and go gallivanting off to Kvatch.

As soon as I thought it, I knew that I was being unfair. Baurus wasn’t gallivanting anywhere, merely going to save the Emperor’s son, and the heir to the throne. The only problem with that was the fact that he planned to do it alone, and something in me said I should come with him.

After all, the Emperor had told me to take the amulet, but that was only because Baurus had been fighting off assassins. He would have said the same to Baurus if I hadn’t been there, wouldn’t he? But still, I needed to come, and I needed to convince Baurus of that. I looked up at him, and said,

“I’m coming with you.”

Instead of the numerous objections I had thought he would make to my statement, he only nodded.

“I know,” he replied, as my eyes widened in surprise. “I was thinking about it the whole time we were going through the sewers, and I realized that it wouldn’t be safe to leave you in the city. It’s a dangerous place, and without any memory, you might be hurt, or worse. Besides, I’ll need back-up,” he said, grinning slightly, for he had seen how indignant I was becoming at his statements.

“I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” I cried, but there was no anger in my voice, and we both smiled.

“So, on to Kvatch?” I asked. Baurus chewed at his lip for a moment, then shook his head.

“I’d like to get to Kvatch as soon as possible, but that’s not an option right now. You need food, some new clothes, and sleep. Much as I hate to admit it, I need rest as well. I’ve never fought so many enemies before, and my arms feel like they’re on fire. So, we’re going to the city, renting a room at an inn, and heading out tomorrow morning.”

With that, we set off, heading uphill towards the city.

Posted by: SubRosa Dec 7 2010, 06:17 PM

I have never actually looked at Imperial Library forums. It looks like it is just as well!

Very nicely done. Once again we see Cyrodiil through fresh eyes again as the u.D.g. blinks through the glare of a sun she cannot remember ever seeing before.

I loved the u.D.g.'s very natural resentment over the fact that Baurus is abandoning her. Seeing that he is the only person in the world that she knows, it would be strange if she did not latch on to him. Likewise her decision to see through the quest to find Martin shows us some of her own quality.

So now Baurus and the u.D.g. are shacking up for the night! hubba hubba! laugh.gif


Posted by: treydog Dec 7 2010, 09:44 PM

The mixed blessing of stepping into the sunlight, only to be nearly blinded, was a wonderfully crafted reminder of the time underground.

QUOTE
The blood jolted me back to the present, a place I did not particularly want to be. In the present, Baurus was planning to abandon me as soon as we reached the Imperial City, and go gallivanting off to Kvatch.


That passage sings, as it tells us a great deal about our nameless protagonist in just a few words.

Above all, I like the choices you (and U.D.G.) have made with where to take the story.

Posted by: Acadian Dec 8 2010, 02:13 AM

This was lovely! smile.gif

Your use of dialogue and wonderful description blended perfectly with Maya's internal musings and decision making.

“I’m coming with you.”
Yes, this is said from Maya's heart. I'm so glad you listened to her. 'Tis not whether it is the best choice; simply that it is the best choice for her. Most importantly, I see you listened to her and let it be her choice. It is a magical thing when you can hear your character.

I am also proud of Baurus here, for blending his duty with compassion. He understands his responsibility includes more than the Septim line.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Dec 8 2010, 03:00 AM

This is my favorite passage:

QUOTE
My eyes were enchanted with the color of the place, and I rejoiced in the cool breeze that ran across my skin.


Hooray! They will go to Kvatch together! biggrin.gif

The guards at the gate are in for quite a treat! They must make for an interesting pair; A haggard Blade, so soon after the Emperor’s murder, with his arms dragging from fatigue, and an unnamed Dunmer girl, in disheveled prison attire, with greenish yellow goblin blood staining her fingers!

Posted by: Linara Jan 6 2011, 07:55 AM

Alright guys, I have excuses by the dozen. Steampunk adaptations, school, life, writing...But really? I was lazy. So, I'm posting after a month (a month!) and hopefully will get back to regular posting and commenting on Chorrol.(Skyrim was announced too, how cool is that!)

Subrosa:Yeah, the people there can be pretty awful. I had a feeling that the u.D.g. would be angry that the only person she knows in the world would be fine with leaving her alone...And I realized that Baurus could not do that, because he has a conscience.

Treydog: I've spent some time in caves, and although what is in the caves can be amazing, the end result is squinting and watering eyes. Although I'm not sure if Dunmer would be affected in the same way...

Acadian: Thank you, Acadian. Maya is definitely a special character with a mind of her own. Knowing what she wants to do is amazing, really.

Destri: Yep, the guards are in for quite a shock, as we shall see!

All: The penultimate chapter, before the u.D.g. gets -somehow- a name.

Chapter Seven
In which waiting occurs

It is entirely possible that the guards on duty were about to fall asleep from boredom before we approached the main gates of the Imperial City. As it was, one of the guards jumped several inches in the air –no easy feat with all that armor- and the other straightened up as much as he could.

We were a sight, to be sure. One of us was wearing battered armor, the other in prison garb, as far as I knew, and we both had swords covered in different colors of dried blood. Unfortunately, neither of us had paid much attention to our appearance, so we were unprepared for the reception we received.

Baurus managed to calm things down, by snapping “Gladius!” at the jumping Legionary. If he hadn’t been wearing his helmet, his face would have been bright red, I’m sure.

“That you, Baurus?” he asked, as we approached.

Baurus ignored the question, and merely said “Gladius, the Emperor is dead.”

Instant pandemonium, and then questioning. I began to realize how hungry I was as the sun started to set. Baurus was still surrounded by a group of Legionaries, and the air was beginning to chill. I wrapped my arms around myself and shivered, but to no avail.

It must have been nearly two hours after sunset when Baurus finally pushed the guards away, and walked over to me.

“I’m sorry about that-“ he paused, and looked at me oddly. “They needed to know. One of them will talk to the Courier and by morning a flood of disinformation will cover the city.” He sighed. “ I suppose it’s best that the people find out, but it will make our stay and travel more difficult. Things will be crazy, as panic spreads.”

I shrugged. What does tomorrow’s panic matter when you’re hungry and tired? Baurus seemed to realize this fact, and he tilted his head toward the open doors of the City.

“Let’s see if we can find a decent inn. I’ve only got a few Septims on me, and I’m not eager to beg some off Gladius.”

We began walking towards the doors again, and my toes curled on the cold stone. Baurus looked down at them, then asked me; “What’s your name?”

I’ll admit the question threw me. I hadn’t thought about since I’d gotten out of the prison cell. In fact, once I started thinking about it again, the anxiety began to return. It was lessened by Baurus’s assurance to bring me with him, but I still had no name, no memory, and no decent clothing. I swallowed past a lump in my throat, and looked down at the ground.

“I don’t remember, actually. Is there any mention of it on the prison records, do you think?”

“No, there wasn’t any mention of you at all. Your cell was supposed to be empty, at the Captain’s request.”

We avoided eye contact as the streets became darker, and I felt rather stupid, although I couldn’t say why. Baurus finally stopped at a building on the corner of the street, and my eyes could barely make out a swinging sign that said ‘The King and Queen Tavern’.

As Baurus moved to open the door, he turned to me.

“You know,” he said gently, “you ought to think of a name for yourself.”

My eyes widened, and I stood frozen on the street as Baurus entered.

Posted by: SubRosa Jan 7 2011, 12:02 AM

Yay, Linara and the u.D.g. are back! We missed you Lin!

A good little episode dealing with the aftermath of the chaos beneath the prison. Here we step away from the big picture, and stop to deal with the more down-to-nirn issues that would naturally crop up after an assassination.

One of them will talk to the Courier
I think http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Courieris busy in New Vegas, something about being shot in the head... wink.gif

What does tomorrow’s panic matter when you’re hungry and tired?
This is very well put, because it is so true.

Finally, does this mean we will be calling Maya by her name? biggrin.gif

Posted by: Acadian Jan 7 2011, 04:11 AM

Welcome back! We hope you can post a touch more often, but honestly, 3 or 4 chapters a month is fine. It is just good to have you back. smile.gif

Oddly, I found this a delightfully gentle chapter - and, as such, thoroughly enjoyed it. Your descriptions amply transferred to us Baurus' sense of responsibility regarding the shivering elf in his charge.

And of course, being inside the perspective of our heroine enabled her to clearly share her own uncertainly and identity frustration with us.

You could have easily said: 'We slogged up to the city and got a room.' However, you wisely lingered long enough to share some rich character development with us. Well done!

Posted by: mALX Jan 8 2011, 02:39 AM

Baurus should think up a nickname for her.

Posted by: TheOtherRick Jan 26 2011, 09:51 PM

Ok,,,in a word...WOW! I just read the whole bit from beginning to stopping point (notice I didn't use the word 'end')

At first, I was mortified because the main character in my FF story is also suffering from amnesia. All I could think of was someone posting in my thread "Nice rip-off job dude!"

I solemnly swear I had not read a word of this until today.

With all that said....again...WOW! This is really good! Please keep it going.

BTW, I love the way the readers have tagged the protagonist as "u.D.g."

Posted by: Linara Feb 3 2011, 01:46 AM

After surviving the CAHSEE I hurried to the computer, and finished this part of Chapter 7, after a month of indecision.

Rosa:Maya now has a name, finally. Not that anyone will remember to use it...I heard the Courier branched out to Tamriel lately. The Cyrodiil branch has been infinitely more successful laugh.gif

Acadian:Thank you. I'm trying to post more often, but semester finals are trying, to say the least. Baurus definitely feels responsible for the u.D.g., although she might not always appreciate. But so it goes...

mALX: That's in a few chapters...First he has to figure out her name smile.gif

TheOtherRick: Thank you for reading, and not using the 'end' word. The u.D.g. has a way to go. As for rip-offs, don't worry about it. One, you probably wouldn't, and two aren't we all using someone else's world and story? By the way...Can we call you Rick? TheOtherRick is a bit long.

Chapter Seven Part Two
In which a name is given

Baurus had to push me into the tavern, but I didn’t notice, I was lost in a sea of names that had deluged me as soon as I tried to think.

It’s too much! I wanted to shout, but I couldn’t. Faces swirled in my mind, with names I vaguely remembered, Maelana, Hashiri, Damara. I fell on the ground, barely noticing the floor rushing up to me as it faded to black.

~~~~~~
You go too far this time. She could have died!

She did not die, and we must hurry. Time is of the essence. Martin has little left. The chapel is falling.

Your chapel? That’s rich. I suppose to hurry things up you’ll just show her your whole foolish plan?

Do not be ridiculous. Only when she is ready. And it is not foolish. Watch yourself Septim. Don’t overreach.

Look, she’s coming too. Give her a name, love.

You might make her prettier. Those ears are a mite big.

Shush. I’ve given it to her. Be brave Maya…

~~~~~~

There were two voices I heard when I woke up. One of them was Baurus’s, and it was frantic. The other was strangely familiar, a woman’s voice, gentle and pitying.

“Be brave, Maya” it whispered, and I knew then that I had a name. It popped out of my mouth as soon as I opened my eyes.

“Maya,” I said with a smile. The shaking stopped, and Baurus came in view.

“No, it’s me, Baurus. There’s no Maya around here. Are you okay? Can you remember anything?” he turned away, and addressed someone else. “She might have damaged something, did you hear that crack when her head hit the floor?”

“No!” I said loudly. I had not damaged anything. I was perfectly fine, and we needed to leave now.

“I’m fine, Baurus. I know who you are, and I know who I am too!” Baurus nearly jumped at this, and as he turned back to me I saw a small crowd gathered around to watch the spectacle. Taverns must be lifeless if this is exciting, I thought.

Baurus picked me up, and addressed a man with a strong resemblance to one of the sewer rats; “How much for a room?”

The man mumbled something, and Baurus nodded, then handed over a few coins. Where did he keep them? I wondered, and then I remembered that we needed to get to Kvatch. And that I had a name.

Baurus started up the stairs and I began to struggle.

“No, Baurus we have to head to Kvatch! We have to leave, now!”

I heard several laughs, but ignored them. Unfortunately Baurus was ignoring me as well. I continued to kick and struggle, but I was exhausted and in shock. If my only friend didn't listen to me, than who would?

Posted by: Acadian Feb 3 2011, 02:41 AM

And she has a name! . . . but. . . those ears are a mite big? Argh! laugh.gif

I read her dream sequence over and over. A hundred possibilities come to mind, so obviously most of them must be wrong. You're a tease! More tantalizing questions than answers here! tongue.gif

Baurus picked me up, and addressed a man with a strong resemblance to one of the sewer rats;
How delightfully you put this! Baurus' protectiveness and a clear description of the innkeeper in so few well-chosen words.

Posted by: SubRosa Feb 3 2011, 04:10 AM

Maya returns! Ears and all! biggrin.gif

An intriguing conversation she overheard. Might I guess that one of them was Mara? and the other Talos? wink.gif In any case a lovely way for the u.D.g. to find her name.

I see Baurus has swept her off her feet as well! Literally if not figuratively.

Posted by: TheOtherRick Feb 3 2011, 02:49 PM

QUOTE(Linara @ Feb 2 2011, 06:46 PM) *

TheOtherRick: Thank you for reading, and not using the 'end' word. The u.D.g. has a way to go. As for rip-offs, don't worry about it. One, you probably wouldn't, and two aren't we all using someone else's world and story? By the way...Can we call you Rick? TheOtherRick is a bit long.

Yes, Rick is just fine.

And on the subject of names, it's great to see the u.D.g. get one too.

Acadian and SubRosa have already touched on it...I love the hook at the beginning of this write! I got the impression that it was a sub-scene of Gods looking down and conversing as events transpired, ( a la Zeus and Hera discussing Hercules ), rather than a dream sequence. Either way...nice insertion of some more mystery. Coincidence that her name is only one letter off from Mara?

Great installment! goodjob.gif


Posted by: Linara Mar 11 2011, 07:31 AM

It has been years, perhaps decades, since last I posted, and for that I apologize. Just...life, ya know? Well, and school, and finally, finally, submitting my first short story for an anthology. It's been crazy. Anyway, it's a short post, but I've gotten on top of the game again, and writing regularly, so expect another post next week.

In a group response, since everyone guessed, yes it was a meeting of the gods, and there were more then two present. Also, Rick, it is a coincidence that Maya's name is what it is. I was trying to think of a good name, and thought "Mara, why not!" Then I realized that there is already a rather important Mara, so it was back to the brainstorming...which led to Maya. So, here's the newest short installment - again, I'm sorry, but there are some places where it's good to split a chapter and this was one of them. Now to go check up on Buffy and Teresa...

Chapter Seven Part Three

The King and Queen Tavern was both noisy and small, and it took only a minute for Baurus to reach the room he had procured, even holding me in his arms. The room he turned into was small, somewhat grimy, and contained only a bed and chair. Baurus dropped me in the bed, which squeaked alarmingly. He sat down in the chair, after turning it to face me.

“You have a name.” Baurus stated. I gulped, then sat up and nodded.

“When I...blacked out, I heard these people talking. And there were these faces, with names. Too many of them. But one of the people, a woman, she called me Maya...”

I decided to leave out the part where my ears were called big. Although, I reflected, for all I knew they were huge. Baurus cleared his throat, which brought me back to the present. The ever-baffling present.

“Well,” he said slowly. “That is strange. But after what happened in the sewers, nothing is unbelievable. Did you hear anything else?”

“Well they said Martin didn’t have much time left. That the chapel is falling...Do they mean the chapel in Kvatch?”

Baurus nodded, and looked grim. “Unless Martin has left Kvatch, but we would have been informed...”

“So we should leave, now.”

This seemed like an important point to get through to Baurus, for along with my name I had been given a sense of urgency that made itself clear every time I thought of Martin.

“No, we shouldn’t. Do you know how many people we’ve killed in the last day? Not to mention the goblins, crabs, and rats that we encountered on the way out of the sewers! I, for one, am exhausted, and if you stop to think for a minute you’ll be fast asleep on your feet.”

As Baurus spoke I realized he was right, and a wave of fatigue hit me, followed by one of hunger.

“We didn’t eat...” I said slowly, but the temptation of a bed, no matter how small or grimy, was overwhelming, and before Baurus could reply I was asleep.

Posted by: SubRosa Mar 11 2011, 06:21 PM

Yay, Mara Maya is back!

Do you know how many people we’ve killed in the last day?
A lot!

Our named Dunmer girl and her Redguard companion get a well-needed rest. I liked how you described the King and Queen as being very barebones. It goes with the low price of the room.

Posted by: ghastley Mar 11 2011, 08:49 PM

un.D.g does appear to spend a lot of her time unconscious, doesn't she? I hope this a passing phase and won't happen during combat, or anything else. nono.gif




Posted by: TheOtherRick Mar 12 2011, 01:20 AM

Welcome back Maya and Linara! biggrin.gif That was a tasty little morsel to get us back into the story. Tasty morsel? Oops, I forgot...no food yet... tongue.gif Glad to see Talendor isn't the only one worried about ear size. Looking forward to more. goodjob.gif

Posted by: Acadian Mar 12 2011, 02:57 AM

I really enjoyed this! You have a neat sort of camaraderie going between Maya and Baurus that is a pleasure to read. You make Baurus quite likeable and, via your first person narrative, make it easy to identify with Maya.

Oh Dunmeri ears are beautiful! So delicately curved and not too big at all! Of course we know that most young ladies are never satisfied with what Mara gave them. tongue.gif

Nit:
“You have a name.” Baurus stated. I gulped, than sat up and nodded.'
Here you want to replace 'than' with 'then'.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Mar 14 2011, 10:06 AM

It is such a simple thing, but when Baurus tells Gladius that the Emperor is dead I actually stood up and applauded my computer screen! That is such an often overlooked detail! I know the citizens of Tamriel hear of the Emperor's assassination through the Courier, but how does the Courier hear of it? There are only two living witnesses and, in your story, they are together.

I imagine that over in the Temple of the One some Invoker feels a sudden draft while walking next to the Dragonfires! He promptly sends a runner who bursts into the Elder Council Chambers and yells 'Holy [censored]!' before passing out from exhaustion (it being such a long journey from the Temple District to Green Emperor Way). Ocato then dispatches a committee to study the extinguished flame and a team of battlemages who lament that confirmation of the runner's cry requires them to foray into the sewers!

I've been gone a lot longer than you, Linara. So don't feel too bad about the infrequency of your posts. Yours is one of the few stories that I was able to catch up on easily! wink.gif

Posted by: Grits Mar 17 2011, 05:23 PM

I really like your Baurus, and Maya is fun to read. She’s been hungry for a while now, no wonder she keeps passing out! smile.gif

Posted by: Linara Mar 23 2011, 07:02 AM

Rosa: Yep, Maya's back, and ready for some new clothes.

ghastley: Welcome, don't think I've seen you on here before. Maya does spend a lot of time unconscious, although messages from higher beings and lack of sleep will do that to you, I hear. Luckily the next couple of chapters will be written from a conscious viewpoint.

Rick: Thanks, it's good to be writing again. As for ear size..well, I think it's an elf thing.

Acadian: Thanks for catching the nit. Baurus and Maya's friendship is most of the story, at this point. Especially in chapters such as the one below, where the Emperor's ghost is nowhere to be seen.

Destri: I never really thought about how the news spreads...I always thought it was strange that the people in Pell's Gate knew before Jauffre, but apparently the Courier has priorities, and they don't include Weynon Priory. As for Baurus telling the Watch, well it's only logical. And it made for some good writing.

Grits: Welcome to Maya's story, and thanks for reading smile.gif.

All: I have a few things to say about this chapter. Firstly, it seems a little shallow to me, but I've never liked clothes shopping so that could explain it. Secondly, my representation of Palonirya's character is taken from a story I told my sister about a girl who was taken in by Palonirya and Rohssan, and raised by them. It's been a while since I told that story, but the idea of a warm, friendly, open-hearted Palonirya remained. Also, I apologize for my weak description of the different races. Read and enjoy. Oh, and lastly, I think I've got a regular posting schedule again. Yay!

Chapter Eight Part One

Red Velvet

I woke with a start. Something had broken downstairs with a crashing sound, and in the moments it took for a loud voice to start protesting its innocence, I was crouched on the edge of the lumpy bed, katana in hand. Then I remembered where I was and sat down, feeling foolish but still on guard.

As it so happened, I noticed a person laying in front of the door. It was Baurus, but I didn’t recognize him at first, for he wasn’t wearing the bulky armor that had seemed part of his skin.

I stared at his arms, seeing the numerous scrapes and scars covering them, as well as their strange paleness. They were a stark contrast to my own smooth, blue arms. As I looked at Baurus, he stirred, and turned, almost impaling his head on the katana, which I still held.

“Kaoc!” He exclaimed in surprise, and I quickly moved the sword away.

“I wasn’t paying attention.” I said by way of explanation.

“Clearly you were not.” Baurus said in annoyance, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. He studied me for a moment, and then a loud growl broke the silence. Another followed, while I glanced around wildly, looking to see if an angry goblin had appeared in the room. Then I realized it was my stomach.

The suspicion in Baurus’s gaze cleared, and he laughed.

“You should probably eat. I had dinner, but it was impossible to wake you up...”

He stood up, brushing dust, splinters of wood, and who-knows-what-else that was on the floor from his clothes. I got off of the bed, feeling hungry, sore, and still tired.

“Breakfast, and then...” I glanced down at my legs, which were covered in scratchy, muddy, dried-bloody sackcloth. “And then we go shopping.”

~~~~~~~

I wolfed down the bread and cheese that we got on the bottom story of the tavern, as well as two cups of wine. Then I dragged Baurus out the door, knowing that somewhere nearby there was a shop with clothes that were much better than the ones I had on.

Sure enough, there was, although we walked about fifteen minutes to get there. The two of us turned more then a few heads, bedraggled and carrying weapons. My head turned as well, at the huge grey stone buildings, and the armored guards that seemed to be everywhere.

I marveled at the variety of people on the streets, who seemed vaguely familiar, yet completely strange. The small elves, many of them with bows and quivers of arrows. The tall elves, haughty and cold-eyed, towering over most of the other races, and clad in flowing robes. The lizardfolk were another marvel, and I stared at one with brightly colored blue and green scales for nearly a minute before Baurus suggested that we move on.

The catfolk were unique in their own way, graceful and rough, some of them rather intimidating to me. I saw a few who had skin the color of mine, but their hard, red-eyed stares had my hand going straight to the katana at my waist and my face turning away. I wondered if I had red eyes as well, but thought it a strange question to ask Baurus. Most people knew the color of their own eyes, I was sure.

The shops themselves were intriguing, and several times I stopped to peer through the open door of a shop. I glimpsed dusty rooms filled with scrolls and bottles, others with arrays of swords and armor. Baurus paused at these, but I pressed forward. Finally, after twenty or so stores, I found one that seemed right. When I peered inside, a vast sea of color and cloth met my eyes, dazzling and calling alluringly. I turned behind me to look at Baurus pleadingly. He sighed, and we stepped in.

An aging tall elf dressed in red and purple rushed over to meet us, and stopped short when she saw the state of my dirty clothing. She looked me over from head to toe, and then pronounced:

“Dark colors, I think. Maybe a hint of yellow or red.”

“Err...” Baurus hemmed and hawed to get her attention, then said “She’ll be wearing armor over it most of the time, I don’t think the colors really matter.”

“Of course they matter!” The shopkeeper was obviously affronted. “Young man, a woman’s clothes always matter, down to every detail!”

She turned back to me and smiled.

“Now dear, we shall find you some proper clothing. I have a lovely black gown that might fit you, with some longer sleeves.”

The woman grabbed me by the shoulders and steered me away from the door, leaving Baurus in who knows what state, and myself in surprise, and some delight. I was going shopping.

Posted by: Destri Melarg Mar 23 2011, 08:10 AM

I have no idea what you feel compelled to apologize for! I thought this description:

QUOTE
I marvelled at the variety of people on the streets, who seemed vaguely familiar, yet completely strange. The small elves, many of them with bows and quivers of arrows. The tall elves, haughty and cold-eyed, towering over most of the other races, most clad in flowing robes. The lizardfolk were another marvel, and I stared at one with brightly colored blue and green scales for nearly a minute before Baurus suggested that we move on.

Was just great! As a matter of style, I would remove the second 'most' to avoid the repetition. You could replace it with 'and'. Also, 'marveled' is spelled with one 'l'.

As a male I can feel Baurus’ pain. Between Maya (thank the Nine we don’t have to call her U.D.G anymore), Lissa, and Buffy the shopping bug seems to have hit Tamriel, hard. tongue.gif

Posted by: SubRosa Mar 24 2011, 12:26 AM

As our Second Age historian said, I do not see anything to feel bad about. This was a solid entry. Like him, I liked your descriptions of the various races within the Imperial City.

for he wasn’t wearing the bulky armor that had seemed part of his skin
I love this observation. It is one I share in the game, when you meet him later in the MQ and he is wearing regular clothes.

And then we go shopping
Yaay! I think Buffy can suggest a merchant who sells nothing but shoes... wink.gif

I loved Maya's reaction to the other Dunmer. I kept expecting to hear one say: "We're watching you outlander!" Plus her wondering what color her eyes were was just perfect.

Finally, it sounds like Maya has found herself delivered into the arms of Palonirya. Now she will be just fine. "Anyone can wear clothes, but the right clothes!"

Posted by: Acadian Mar 24 2011, 01:18 AM

'The small elves, many of them with bows and quivers of arrows.'
Psst. Hey, Teresa! I think she means us! wink.gif

And just in time to go shopping!

“Young man, a woman’s clothes always matter, down to every detail!”
Quoted for its essential beauty and truth.

This was a delightful episode, and continues to develop our growing picture of Maya. Since she doesn't know the color of her eyes yet, it seems we are learning as much about her as she is! Another excellent reminder that she is still trying to discover who she is.

Posted by: Pyrmidal Mar 25 2011, 02:43 AM

I really like this a lot, I'm trying to gather up and absorb all I can for my own Fan Fic, and I thank you for teaching me some useful things. I like this recurring theme of Amnesia, allows you to project ideas on what the character's (Maya's) background might be. Great job! I've just read the first two parts of the first chapter, I will keep on reading. smile.gif

Posted by: Linara May 9 2011, 06:05 AM

Remember what I said about a regular posting schedule? Well, it was all lies. Not on purpose, but there's this thing called a kernel panic... Anyway, I got sucked into Doctor Who again, and I've been writing fics for that, then school ate me, and now it's a month and a half later, and I've barely written a chapter. However, I feel guilty, and while it's not much, it is written, so I'm putting up the second part of chapter eight, which should really have a blanket title of 'Shopping in the Imperial City'. I know, I know, Baurus made a face too when I told him.

Destri: Aw, I liked the u.d.g! but it's nice to have an actual name to put with the face, er, vague description. Thanks for the nit-catching.

Subrosa: I suppose it wasn't an awful entry, but there was a sense of wonder that I wanted to enscribe into there, and it never really worked itself out... Maya's encounters with her kinsfolk are going to be fun to write, I just know it biggrin.gif

Acadian: Yep, Teresa and Buffy are now the Bosmer standard in my head. Felt they needed a mention.

Pyrmidal: Hello there! I hope you can get a few more tips from my story than just the fact that I'm a horrible procrastinator, I think there's a little bit more than that. And Amnesia is very useful in this sort of writing, especially if you have a large plot that involves a lot of writing to put together. Hope you keep reading.

All: And here it is, part two. Read and review, that sort of thing.

Chapter Eight Part Two
For the Emperor

Over the next hour I tried on many different articles of clothing, ranging from delicate black dresses to thick brown pants that trailed past my feet. The shopkeeper, Palonirya, looked at me with sharp eyes, and was ready with an opinion on everything I tried. The rare moments that she was not flitting back and forth through her shop, searching for clothes, Palonirya was bemoaning the state of my hair.

When I looked in the ceiling tall mirror, I bemoaned my black tangled mass as well. As Palonirya put it, “It looks like you were dragged through a mud puddle backwards and then slept in a barn.” In truth, it was worse than that, and I wondered why there had not been gasping in the streets. Perhaps there was, and I was too busy staring at the city to notice it.

By the end of the hour I had decided two things: My hair needed to be chopped and burned, and I looked awful in green. Palonirya did not share the former belief, and she protested that “it only needs a thorough washing and combing!”

Baurus came in at that moment, and his eyebrows raised. I smoothed down the red skirt and shirt I was wearing nervously.

“Looks nice on you. Unfortunately we’re going to need some sturdier clothing than that. Have you got any...protective clothing? Leather, maybe some strips of chain mail?”

Palonirya bristled at the question.

“What do you take this for, an armory? This is a clothing shop. And what are you planning to do with this poor girl anyway? Take her into battle?”

Baurus looked a little embarrassed, and I wondered how he was planning on answering that question. Could he answer it? He took a deep breath, and studied Palonirya for a few moments. Then he began to speak.

“The Emperor is dead. He was assassinated about a day and a half ago. We were his...bodyguards, and we’ve been tasked to head north, to Bruma.”

If I was surprised by Baurus’s half-truth, Palonirya was stunned.

“The Emperor...d-dead?” she asked, wide-eyed. For a moment she had the look a a child who has just been betrayed by the world. Then the decades of adulthood slid back into place, and she looked at me critically.

“If you were one of the Emperor’s bodyguards then why did you come in here dressed in prison garb?”

“Camouflage.” Baurus said smoothly, saving me from what would have been a stuttering explanation that answered nothing. “We were attempting to get him into hiding.”

Palonirya nodded, and said “I’ll be a moment.” Then she slipped upstairs, and I was left to stare at Baurus.

“Why did you tell her?”

“Tell her about the Emperor? Because the Courier is probably printing up news sheets with the same story, or a dramatized version of it, and I have a feeling that Palonirya will spread the word just as fast. It saves me more explaining, because in two, three days at the latest, most of Cyrodiil will know, largely because of the three sources that now have this information.”

“Three?” I asked, putting the Courier in the back of my mind. I would ask him what it was later.

“The Legion, Palonirya, and the Courier. Most of the Legionaries gossip like old women after a few pints at a local inn.”

He smiled at his own words, and than we both turned as Palonirya came down the stairs. Or rather Palonirya’s body came down the stairs, her head was completely obscured by a large pile she was carrying. She dropped said pile at Baurus’s feet, and proclaimed “My life’s work.”

We both stared at her until she frowned.

“Go on, pick it up!” she said to me.

I bent down and peered at what seemed to be a charcoal grey leather shirt. On picking it up I discovered that there was also a pair of pants, and that the leather was not merely leather but something...thicker.

“I can feel metal in it.” I said. Palonirya looked proud.

“It’s enchanted, my dear. I had the man at Mystic Emporium do it. The strength of steel with the weight of leather. It’s also fireproof.”

Baurus looked impressed.

“What do you think?” I held the shirt up to my shoulders, and he gave a nod of approval.

“How much?” he asked Palonirya, and she shook her head.

“Nothing. And believe me, it’s hard to say that, but if you were sent by the Emperor...I couldn’t make you pay for it.”

Both Baurus and I were surprised, but there was a gentle understanding on Baurus’s face that told me the Emperor had been loved by his people, and Palonirya was no exception.

“Thank you,” he said softly, as he took the armour from my hands, and we headed out from the shop. Palonirya let us go without a word, standing alone amidst the piles of clothing with a desolate expression on her face.

Posted by: SubRosa May 9 2011, 08:37 PM

Yay! I am so glad to see Maya return, even if it is on a bad hair day! laugh.gif

A clever bit of obfuscation by Baurus, telling Palonirya that they are headed to Bruma.

And clothes shopping! And not just any clothes, Palonirya's! So now our Named Dunmer Girl will be flitting about Cyrodiil in a skin-tight leather. Rawr!

Palonirya let us go without a word, standing alone amidst the piles of clothing with a desolate expression on her face.
This was simply wonderful, a powerful ending that reinforces that an age has indeed passed, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Posted by: Acadian May 10 2011, 12:24 AM

Well, we have to get UDG Maya properly attired for adventure. Leather works!

'For a moment she had the look a a child who has just been betrayed by the world. Then the decades of adulthood slid back into place, and she looked at me critically.'
Not only was this passage beautifully written, but you employed it to perfection!

So it seems the dynamic duo may soon be northbound. Once Maya gets her hair sorted of course.

Posted by: Linara May 31 2011, 12:00 AM

Maya's memoirs will return after June 10th, and probably before June 30th, due to exams and moving. Thanks to all who are reading.
Linara

Posted by: treydog May 31 2011, 12:53 AM

QUOTE(Linara @ May 30 2011, 07:00 PM) *

Maya's memoirs will return after June 10th, and probably before June 30th, due to exams and moving. Thanks to all who are reading.
Linara


THIS is wonderful news! The return of the story, that is. I hope the exam results are also good news. As to the moving--- well, 3 moves equals one fire...

Best of luck and I look forward to Maya's return.

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