This is for my showcase on Tamriel Rebuilt. A draft of this story was submitted to the Chorrol fan fiction competition.
I am working on a new draft at the moment. Hence the reason it has been shortened, for the moment.
Criticism is needed to help the direction of the story.




The Companion of Tuskus and Ahldmeria




The Prologue
A solemn silhouette sailed across the horizon into the bay. A black, hulking dread vessel crewed by a ragtag band of grim pirates and ghastly miscreants. This ship of dark renown, a far more frightening concept than any other craft of legend. The men that stood on its swabbed decks had traveled for weeks looking for an ideal place to store their stolen goods, a place to hide from the law and the storms. These battle-hardened men had recently raided the camp of a dignitary, who was on his way to Gilane; with him were an armored guard. As a result, the ship was now carrying a large amount of loot and covering less and less sea by the day.

The weary eyes aboard the ship looked eagerly upon the stretch of land that lay in the distance. The crew as a whole had cheered the proposal of steering away from Rihad and Taneth in case they were recognized, and for some reason the Captain had expressed his wishes to avoid even a glance of Gilane. The crew, wary of their Captain, listened to the orders he gave head towards a smaller settlement without question, but not without suspicion and talk began. Many spoke of parting company as soon as they made port but most spoke of what, or who, was in Gilane that would make the Captain seem so wary. A select few schemed idly about staging a rebellion and leaving the Captain in the city of Gilane to his own fate.

The beach made for a thick horizon line and, frustratingly, it seemed to loom no nearer now than it had an hour ago. Tensions were high after a series of unsuccessful raids on cargo-less boats and ships. That is what had led the pirates to some inland excursions, where they had attacked the dignitary and his men. The cost in blood had been high and several pirates perished during the short battle. The armed guard had seemed ill trained and appeared to be mercenaries, unconnected to any major force. The pirates’ anger and blood lust had won the battle that day. They had looted and stripped the corpses and trekked back to their ship. There was a surplus in armor, weapons and food but no valuable jewels were found.

After the battle, the crew's discontent with the direction of their piracy was clearly tangible. That was when the captain had cunningly decided to lay anchor in a secluded town to relieve them of their booty and to celebrate another successful raid. At which point his plan had him sailing off in the middle of the night with his loyal crewmembers. None of them were happy to desert their comrades on an unknown shore in the middle of the night but they could and would if it meant avoiding a mutiny. The Captain above all was eager to reach their destination. He had told the first mate one night that he had once 'toured' the shores of Gilane and had found his breaking point, he said no more and the first mate knew better than to ask. A dank air of mistrust had hung above the ship like it‘s own sails and they had quickly navigated towards a piece of land between the three cities.

That piece of land was now close enough to see some of the vegetation and the crew began to prepare the anchor. With this knowledge, the whole crew felt a fresh wind roll over them and carry the boat towards their destination. Talk no longer came so slowly and laughter was no longer forced. For a few minutes, the swabbed decks of the ship shone more brightly.

The crew laid anchor in Hews Bay, opposite a secluded shore near the town of Roseguard. Eight rowboats of eight men set out for land with around a third of the crew remaining on duty aboard the ship. Desperate feet plunged into a warm white gold sea, as the men dragged the rowboats onto the sandy beach.

Hoping to secure a farm or house most of the able-bodied men set out to find a town, whilst the others waiting at the shoreline. The members of the expedition took one last long look at the ship named ‘The Lysirius‘. Its greasy black hull, jutting out of the water like a strange monolith. The Lysirius’ figurehead was the snarling face of a wolf, its piercing eyes keenly gazing out across the new land. The expedition decided to head northeast towards higher ground, in the hope that they would then be able to survey the surrounding area. The crew had not traveled the south of Hammerfell, for now obvious reasons. Having more often-trawled Iliac Bay or followed known trade routes between the Summerset Isles, Stros M’kai, and Cyrodiil and sometimes to a place with no known routes of any kind: Akavir.

This was all new territory and although most of the pirates were eager to rest their weary consciences, being adventurers at heart they could feel the excitement welling inside as they left The Lysirius behind and began their ascent into the hills.

This post has been edited by Skillgannon: Jul 17 2008, 02:57 AM

Any criticisms welcome, please.

Though I liked the content, the format of this it was a little confusing, especially since you posted such a vast amount of text at one time. Anyways about the actual content I'd say that you have an incredibly interesting concept but you need to work on your delivery of said concept.

Try more paragraph spacing and post less at a time since people tend to get bored and not read through such large portions of text. Also try bolding the entries so that people can see where each one separates.

Anyways I'm looking forward to the rest of it if thats any consolation mate.

Thank you so much for getting back to me. That feedback was definitely worth the wait. It's helped me a lot, especially as I was wondering whether I should extend the beginning (as if it needs to be longer ) and make sure that the whole of 'Ahldmeria Entry One' is in third person narrated by Ahldmeria and without skipping so much time in between the lines, all except the little part at the end where he introduces himself.
At the moment I admit, as you said, the format is crazy. With ridiculous spacing to account for the amount of text and a lackluster control on tense, it needs some serious cleaning up. But imagine the mammoth task that is. I'm still working on a redraft at the moment, it's coming along slowly.
I've edited it to accommodate your criticism, hopefully it attracts more people now.
I'll work on cleaning this section specifically for the moment.

It is one hell of a consolation and compliment. Thank you.
I'd almost lost my drive. I'd taken to writing short crime noir stories instead to keep me going.
Skillgannon.

Glad I could help mate, I understand where you're coming from as it can be rather frustrating not to recieve feedback when posting your work. Don't get discouraged, you've got a refreshing writing style and after you edited the format, much better.

I've edited the format so it looks real slick, pilgrim

I need some advice on how the new draft sounds. Criticism, please?

Much better this time around mate, did you have help editing or did you do this by yourself? Either way it is a vast improvement over the original in both format and quality.

Well I had help from you guys, on the forums This one, Beth Soft and TR.
In the end though i just made the layout/format as clear cut as possible and i fleshed (still fleshing atm) the story out so that it was actually third-person, present tense. And not like the quote in my signature says. Ive discovered i have got a case of the annotating writer, i need to just be patient.
I'm working on the rest still but those notes covered months of action/adventure and i am having to write it minute by minute now :S

At the top you say that the solemn ship sailed into view, but the view of who? (whom) The men on the ship can see what they're standing on and from there you don't talk about the people on shore.

From there a few sentences are a bit too "here's the facts", they could use a bit more integration into the narrative. For instance you could say "Through a darkened evening a solemn ship crewed by ghastly and glum pirates slowly sailed into a lonely bay, searching for an appropriate location to cache their recently acquired plunder" and continue from there.

You're making it clear that the crew isn't behind the captain in the next paragraph, but I don't think they're in the position yet to be making group decisions yet. Have the moves be entirely the captain's plan, but have the men question it amongst themselves when he isn't around.

For the next paragraph just from my view of pirates, you might feel differently, but I don't think they would attempt a fight they don't have a large advantage in. Say that they had been receiving information about this envoy and it had been wrong, the troops were more numerous than they were able to confirm before the initial attack.

There's a problem of terms in this next paragraph. The order is actually "Weigh anchor", but weigh anchor means to raise the anchor. It's also quite a pain in the patoot to get a full sized ship loaded with loot off the shore once you get it up there. For a quick getaway situation like this, are you sure that's the best plan? You might want to go with the anchor in the harbor and use rowboats to get the men ashore.

The last thing is the mention of Akavir. They've been pirating around the western half of the continent all this time, but they every now and then sail to the other side of the known world? It seems out of character for pirates.

An initial 'narrator is god' noob mistake I'll rework it.


Do you mind if i steal the word 'crewed'? Its better phrasing than mine.
As to "here's the facts". The whole thing was like this before and there was a lot of it. I took it down and i am fleshing it out. This will be changed.


Maybe, I will have to see if there is a way to include that with the limited narrative.


They are desperate and sneaky , these guys chance it


Better idea. Simple as. I'll change the terminology and work something into it. Thanks


Hm, yeah. A recent addition, not researched in lore respects. Maybe I'll make it more clear that they like Illiac Bay and the captain keeps them away from Hews Bay (and Gilane).




Wow. That was awesome man. If i could have criticism like that off everyone who reads this or just once every time i update, I'd be a happy and inspired writer.
Thank you. If i can do anything in return (i.e. criticism) i will.
And dont forget to check back soon for the changes. Maybe tomorrow night or Friday.

Updated it already

Good stuff. And read it out loud in a couple days, you might find places where you don't like the wording by doing that.

And sure, if you like something of mine you can tell me anything about it.

This post has been edited by Shades: Jul 17 2008, 04:56 AM