First I'll comment on your story before I get into a certain....issue that I have with your comment below. Your story isn't bad, a little fast and the chapters are short, but not bad. I have some nits regarding Chapter 3.

I slashed at the Bosmer, who parried. "I'll kill you," he hissed. His eyes were like two burning coals. He fought with such finesse and talent, I thought he wasn't a thief, but a well-trained veteran of the Imperial Legion. In return, he thrusted at me, but dextrously I dodged.

Thrusted isn't a word. Just use thrust, since apparently it can be used in all tenses. A better option would be to use an entirely different word, like stabbed or the best lunged. Also, I think you meant to type dexterously. I also feel like a better word could have been used, like deftly or nimbly

Then, after Quick-Strike murders the Bosmer, his daughter comes crying out. And what's Quick-Strike do? Has a short conversation with Korvan, then gets stabbed in the arm.

....

Did he feel any pain?


Umm....Divinty in the Aurbis doesn't work that way. In the TES universe, there is a set of dieties (and the daedric princes) and that's it. Of course, there are other pantheons, but everything overlaps. Alduin the World-Eater is Auri-El who is Akatosh who is Alkosh, King of Cats, who is Tosh Raka.

It gets weirder, too, when you take into account the Anuic and Padomaic lines, and that the Et'Ada (who aren't alive anymore having become the Earth-Bones), and the Daedra, are actually planets. And then you factor in the God-Head and how it fits into everything...And your mind explodes.

To put it bluntly, there are no "demi-gods" in Aurbis/TES Universe. A few things pass as demi-gods here, but they really aren't. The Tribunal stole their powers from the Heart of Lorkhan, and Tiber Septim only mantled Shezaar and supplanted that diety in the overall pantheon, and he had CHIM. Wulfharth/Zurin Arctus/the Underking was only an avatar of Lorkhan. There is a good chance Pelinal was actually a ROBOT from the future. Morihaus was not a man, but the Bull of Heaven (in the archetypical sense). Reman was the personification of Cyrodiil itself.

So Korvan being a demi-god doesn't really fit into the overall mythology of TES. There are plenty of other things he could be, like an avatar, but since he's a grandson of Zalphon, then the entire character just doesn't make any sense to me. He could be mantling, but that takes a very special, mythic person like Talos.


Yeah, like Remko said, this probably should have been apparent in the story. Not handwaved later.

*sigh* I never could write a story to please everyone... I'm not quite the lore-buff you are Verlox...

I think I'm going to stop writing for a while. It's not fun when every move you make is nit-picked. I do this for fun, not so you guys can dissect it and look for the most minute of errors.

Being a good critic is extremely nice. You guys are good at that. But I do like some of the good to be brought up too. Chriso of Bethesda always was an intense critic, but he remarked on my improvement and my strongpoints. You just take low-points and nothing else.

If you beat somebody down, repeatedly and never throw them a bone, they get irritated. Eventually the irritation turns to frustration... Frustration turns to hatred of the art in general... But in conclusion, I'm taking a break. For how long, I do not know... Could be a day, a week, a month... I'm not quite sure...

This post has been edited by Zalphon: Jun 2 2010, 02:12 AM

Aw Zalphon! But you just got into Cyrodiil!!!!! ARGH !!!!!!!! I was really looking forward to a venue I recognized !!!! ARGH !!!! You know I've always got your back Zalphon. I just love your creative mind and think you ROCK!!! <333

I'll be back, but the original trio will be retired. Too many problems with lore. However, they'll be at least remembered by the populace. The mere mention of the name, "Zalphon" will leave people in fear. The mention of "J'skooma" will inspire a respectful nod. The mention of "Quick-Strike" will most likely earn, "May he rest in peace."

Ok, enjoyed this story to date. Sad to see it discontinued. I understand what you are saying.

When you rest up some and start again (I know you will, ) you might consider an intro at the beginning of your story that lays out your purpose and objectives. You can certainly make it clear where you want to draw lines between 'reality' and the mechanics in game. Similarly with lore; if you wanted to set the story in Lut Golein you could - just make sure and tell people what your intent is. If you want to follow in game quest lines strictly or loosely or not at all, any of that is fine, but it may help to clarify things up front and ask for the type of critiquing that you would like. For example if you don't want typos pointed out, you can certainly ask for that.

I know you appreciate comments, but yes, they can sometimes be a double-edged sword. Please take some comfort in the fact that anyone who comments does so primarily because they care enough about you to take the time to do so.

Rest up, my friend and we will look forward to your return!

Thanks Acadian, you really know me since you know I'll return soon. I am almost sad to retire my trio. But they will always have a special place in my stories. Even though they were mainly an Elder Scrolls group, in my novel there will be an Aqueean Rogue and a Tigran Wizard waiting to make an appearance

Edit: Any critiqueing is good, just please be generous enough to leave a good comment too.

This post has been edited by Zalphon: Jun 3 2010, 12:33 AM

Not....not getting rid of Zalphon? GAAAAAAAAAH !!!!!!!!!

The days of Zalphon must come to an end. It's best to let them die a noble death then allow them to fizzle out.

The new trio, well, you'll like them just as much

Aww, it's always sad to see your characters 'die', y'know? Hopefully, the next trio would make up from that, huh?

Oh, and like mALX said, I also got your back, bro.

Sorry to say this, but Pelinal Whitestrake being a ROBOT actually made me laugh. You are right in all accounts, but Tosh Raka being Akatosh... D

Where did you get this bit of info, Verlox? I wanna see it myself and question whoever made this. Curious, is all.

We have a giant stompy robot that can break reality and time, is it really so odd to have a smaller robot that shoots lasers? Of course, another way to look at is that Pelinal is an avatar of Lorkhan.

Look on the Bethesda lore forum for more information regarding Akavir being a "myth-echo" of Tamriel. There was a discussion on it awhile back, but you could probably start your own topic to ask.

To give some extra information: Tosh Raka. The Tsaeci, once the dominant power on Akavir, were supplanted by the Ka'Po'Tun, which mirriors the Aldmer being supplanted by men as the greatest power on Tamriel.

Tosh Raka being Akatosh: A slightly better view is that Tosh Raka is Akavir's version of Tiber Septim, but instead of mantling Lorkhan/Shezzar, he mantles Akatosh.

This post has been edited by Verlox: Jun 3 2010, 06:45 PM

Ok, since this is getting a little bit OOC and don't want to ruin this piece of thread, I'll check it out. Thanks.