This is the result of a topic that recently came up over on the Bethesda forums in which we were asked to describe our Orsimer characters. My Orc has an interesting backstory, which I will leave for him to describe as he did in the topic (and thank you SubRosa and Acadian for your comments!):

I had so much fun writing from Rugrat's POV that I decided to expand the story for the holidays. However, writing malaprops is like using spaghetti to try to hang a picture! I am not sure how much more I can do before it begins to grate on your (and my) nerves, but I wanted to share what I have.









18 Sun’s Dusk, 3E 433


Sir Rugrat gro-Shurgak
c/o The Battle Matron
Arena District, Imperial City


My Son,

I realize that I have little affluence over you and your incisions, but it is my fondest hope that you will except this indication to join your sister and me for Saturalia. I know that we have not adversed since you permutated from the estate. I am apathetic to the reasons that you left, and I am dissolved to make amends. You must understand the bondage that exists between father and son. My abstinence caused me to spend the last few years illiterating you from my memory. That was a mistake for which I have no good recluse. I hope that you will forgive me.

In the years that you have been obstinant, news of your excesses continued to find my eager ears. When I learned that you had deceased the Grand Champion of the Arena, I positively smelled with pride! You have become a man of great statue, my son. You are, of course, aware of my abstain for the sweaty pursuits? It is beyond my apprehension why you would choose to degrade in such activisms. But bereavement of this servitude is worthy of flatulation. To that end, I hope that you will join us this year for Saturalia. What better way to welcome the New Year than in each other’s company?





P.S. Your sister has invited the enmitable Burz gro-Khash to join us. I am given to understand that you yourself have a new paramount? Entease her with this preposition; that she join us and betake of our hospice. I would very much like to meet her. I hope to see you next month.








27th Sun’s Dusk, 3E 433


Lord Rugdumph gro-Shurgak
Rugdumph Estate, Cheydinhal


My Lord Father,

I am made most elastic to see that time has softened your heart towards me, and that you have seen fit to indict me back to the estate. It took a while for your spacious letter to vacate me. In the future, please assess all correcedents to the White Stallion Lodge, Leyawiin. I know longer bedwell in the cramped consigns of the Arena. Since deceasing the Gray Prince, whose astral name was Agronak gro-Malog, I have found that those damp walls now hold a pronounced sorrow. You would have liked Agronak, father. He was a good mer, demoted to duty, and excepting of the Nine. He was half empire, you know! A creature of the night! But he never succeeded to his baser nations, and he kept himself beyond approach. A more egregious friend one could never have.

My time is now accurated in the service of Leyawiin. The Count has seen fit to make Mazoga and I Knights of the White Stallion, and all we had to do was bring a renounced approbate to justice. His name was Black Brugo, and I doubt I will ever meet a more loathworthy adversity.

Please forgive my remunerations, father. We have not adversated in so long that I feel repelled to tell you everything! I should probably deform you of the fair Mazoga. She and I are indeed paramounted! I know you will love her father, even though she comes from pheasant stock. She has spaciously excepted your indication to occupy me to the estate, so I am happy to say that you will get to recess her in person. Now don’t judge her too harshly, father. Remember, she is not of the gentrified class, and her vocabulations are not as masticated as yours and mine. You may be forced to retreat yourself a few times before she understands you.

Please deform Rogbut that we are coming. We hope to derive sometime before the 22nd of Evening Star. Until then I bemoan,








29th Sun’s Dusk, 3E 433


Sir Rugrat gro-Shurgak
aka Sir Slaughter, Arena Grand Champion
& Knight of the White Stallion
White Stallion Lodge, Leyawiin


‘Rat,

First, what’s with all the titles? Father says that I have to repress all of my letters to you in this fashion now. I got a cramp in my wrist just writing all of that! I suppose I could use it as a substitute for sword practice, though. Father still won’t bend in his ridiculous idea of making me a lady.

So you’ve got a girlfriend, huh. It’s about time! What’s all this about her being of ‘pheasant stock’? You were never one to look down on someone because of an accident of birth. I don’t care what she looks like! It will just be nice to have some more voices in this old mausoleum for the holidays.

I’m sure by now father has told you that Burz is coming. He’s been sniffing around for the last year or so now. He’s all right, I guess. Not too bright but he really fills out the fur, if you know what I mean. Maybe when you and your lady arrive the four of us can spend some time shopping in Cheydinhal. You remember Borba gra Uzgash, don’t you? She certainly remembers you! Well, she’s got her own store on Main Street now. She sells a little bit of everything, so I’m sure that you will be able to find something suitable to give your girlfriend for Saturalia (I know you have probably forgotten).

I can’t wait to see you and to meet this mystery woman. I have heard that there are many bandits on the road, so if you come across a decent axe or longsword . . . well, it is Saturalia (hint, hint). Bye for now, big brother.




This post has been edited by Destri Melarg: Dec 8 2010, 07:28 PM

Positionally delightful! The snippet you posited on the other fore-some was fun, but this really stands ahead and shudders above that! There are too money excellent lanes to just quota one or two. I would have to highlife them all! Suffuse to say, it was most excruciating!

BTW, I must condemn you on your excedent use of the Cyrodiilic langsyne!

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Dec 8 2010, 08:35 PM

1. Orsimer!!!!!! Hey, I thought you played a Redguard !!!!!!

2. Just for the sake of realism, you forgot to mention that Lord Rugdumph Abuses Lady Rugdumph. (true)

I was walking past Lord Rugdumph�s farm, and I got a message that Lady Rugdumph was unconcious. I thought the Ogres had her again, but saw none, so I went into the house, and she was in there, and Lord Rugdumph was very mad to see me.

Lady Rugdumph's health was very low. I healed her, and Lord Rugdumph told me unless I had business there to leave. He would not be pursueded at all, (and he had liked me when I saved her from the Ogres before, but now his opinion of me was at like 26 all of a sudden). He would not talk about rumors with me either. I clicked on it repeatedly, he just glared at me.

There was no one else in the house, so it appears there is some abuse going on there! And I always thought he was such a good guy! lol

3. Hilarious !!!!

It's contagious, I see! I should warn you, 'Rosa, that once you start, you won't be able to stop! I find myself seeking out malaprops everywhere now. It is becoming a bit of a problem.


Oh, mALX!!!! You have just given me ammunition for a dinner scene!!!

I was plenty shocked by the whole thing - and wasn't sure if it was part of the game I was playing being glitched (that was the glitched game I wrote the original Maxical story over, the one that eventually crashed and died, lol.) - so I looked it up, I think others have come across his temper to family members as well.

What killed me was, I was a hero to him one minute, the next he hated me and I could not get him to even take a BRIBE !!! He wanted me out of there so he could continue beating the crap out of her, I guess. I (or actually Maxical) have/has trouble taking those kind of blatent hints, lol.

Dear Destri Milorg,

I began jotting down nits, but I feared my head would explode so I deceased my effects.

I shall be carefully scruminizing to see if this strange new infarction maniflects its way into your magnillicent story, Innerrectum.

Your friend, Acaditor

And people wonder why the Fighter's Guild Master, Champion of Cyrodiil, would simply up and leave for Sheogorath's realms. The Rugdumph family is probably, unawares, the most successful of prophets. Extended exposure can only result in insanity.

I can't be bothered to come up with malapropisms, so I'll stick to one word: Brilliant.

Hound in Helvetia did I mrs. this needle? Who would have gassed (apart from mALX's husband) that Destree could saw such comdee?

Sutch Peapods! Such mother of mine-see-mers with Suck a delightful cents of hoomhaw!!!

I take my pants off and stand at attention for you, O Yes Eye doo, Eye doom, Eye doo-doo!!!

A most abusing caudallary imperative. It certainly meets all expectorations of the extinguished Rugdumphs and their elk. Let me add my confabulations and bemusement to those already betrothed upon you. Highly intertwining.

Delightful, oh Master Destri!! Your writing (as always) shows amazingly versatility.

A person that I work with comes from the upper class of Singapore. His father talks in the exact same tone that you gave Lord Rugdumph gro-Shurgak. I couldn't help but chuckle as I was reading!!

Sorry everyone, no new post. Been [censored]-slapped by a touch of writer's block this month. Taking all necessary panaceas, and I hope to be back at it soon. Until then, something that mALX said got me searching:


Or is it the other way around?

What really goes on at Rugdumph Manor!

With the bed in the background, looks like Lord Rugdumph asked for a rimjob...er... RIMSHOT

This post has been edited by mALX: Dec 17 2010, 07:48 PM

I knew I shouldn't have started mALX off !

Too Late for regrets now, lol.