As Acadian said, a tremendous difference! That was well worth the wait. I look forward to the next episode of the Lissa Show!

Much better job, Rihanae.

I will be following you along avidly.

Yay! I especially enjoyed the dialog between the two sisters.

Much, much more interesting. Now I want to know what happens next.

I did notice several nits, which makes me think that English may not be your first language. Am I correct?

Like SubRosa said, I really hope you can do this on a computer. It's so much easier than on a phone, no matter how smart it is (I almost never use my iPhone for text work beyond texting, not even email).

Let me just point out a few things:

I see where you mixed up your past tenses in a few places:

.

It should be either was standing or stood in the first, and were sitting or sat in the second example.

The contraction means you are, the possessive form, which is what you want here, is your.


At least two instances where the period was left out before the closing quote. Easy to miss when on the phone, or tired from too many rewrites. Or maybe the little dots were so bored by the lecture they skipped out.


Here you have Maelona repeating the same gesture twice. Did Lissa not take the necklace the first time Maelona handed it to her?

Overall I see considerable improvement in the writing, which tells me you really want to do well at this. I think it's great, and I do see a lot of potential here. It'll be very interesting to see where you take this story. Keep up the good work you're doing!

Thank you everyone for your comments on the re-write. i like to think i am improving

haute ecole rider: English is my first language, I'm just a little bit bad at typing, but i hope that will improve in time, but i will edit what i should anyway.

Here is part two of the prolugue. (it isnt very long, as some details i wanted to save for later chapters. This is just a short conclusion to the prologue, really. But enjoy none the less! )

PROLOGUE ~ PART TWO

I walked slowly through the damp cave, the light from my torch bouncing off the grimy walls. The smell of death was overpowering me. But i wasn’t scared. I wouldn’t allow myself to be scared, because then I would be vulnerable, and I couldn’t let that happen.

As I journeyed I could feel something. Something strange and unsettling. I stopped to examine my surroundings more closely, but there was nothing. Zilch. But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was in danger. But if Dad did that he wouldn’t hurt me, would he?

I tried to drop that thought immediately. Just because Dad couldn’t be found, and he went in the cave, and there are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them. Did it?

I continued exploring, and before long I heard voices. Male voices, but they weren’t clear. I followed the sound of the voices, carefully sneaking to avoid detection, just in case. The voices began to increase in volume, and eventually I saw the source. Two figures stood in the darkness. I perched myself behind a large rock, listening carefully to the conversation between the two figures.

“You told me that you wouldn’t harm any humans! That was the deal!”

“But she wasn’t human, was she? She was a Bosmer. The lowest of the low. That’s my opinion anyway”

“You told me that if i brought you blood, Any blood. Even animal blood, you would leave my family alone! That was the deal!”

The talk of blood sparked a thought. A vampire? Oh my-

“Khajiit are animals now?”

“The criminals are, yes.”

“So it’s ok to lead the Khajitt into my home, but you just ‘forgot’ to rescue the Bosmer first?”

“You didn’t give me a chance to-“

“Wait! Something is here.”

I froze. The vampire began to smell the air, and his eyes pointed to the space I was hidden.

“Come out little Lissa!” Taunted the vampire. I remained in my space.

“Lissa? What are you doing here?” I stood up cautiously from behind the rock and saw the other figure as clear as day come towards me.

Dad...

“Dad, did you kill those people? I can’t believe-“

“No... I didn’t. I just... home. Now. We will talk when we get back.”

"Oh no my dear fellow, first you will-" said the Imperial vampire. I didn’t even let him finish. Anger overcame me.

“YOU! Stop talking! What have you got my dad involved in?”

“Lissa, honey. Don’t worry.” Dad turned to the vampire. “Our deal is done. You broke the agreement.”

The vampire just stood there. His grin made the skin on his pale face crease. “It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.”

Suddenly the vampire pulled out a long, bloodsoaked blade and stuck it through my dad’s abdomen. It was so quick. I screamed, in fear and in anger. Adrenaline filled my body. I bolted towards the vampire. I attacked him with my torch. I used all my strength and beat him. He was engulfed in flames. But i continued attacking him. I couldn’t stop. Even when he was dead I couldn’t stop.

“Liss- Lissa, s-s-stop.” The frail, dying voice of my dad. I dropped the torch and ran to him, kneelling by his side.

“Dad! You’re ok-“Blood spurted from his mouth. “Oh, Dad, we have to get you home. Come on.”

“Lissa, it’s too late. It’s too late for me. You need to go home. Forget what you saw. I don’t want Oleta and Maelona’s final memories of me as being a coward.”

"You are not a coward! Don't ever think that! You did what was good for our family."

I began to cry.

"Come on, we need to get home now, Dad!" I tried to lift Dad, to no avail. He spoke again. His voice began to fade. He didn’t have long.

“Promise me something. Never give up on y-your dreams. You discover the world. Promise me.”

I hesitated to answer, my tears wouldn’t let me. But I spoke.

“I promise, Daddy”

Dad smiled. His breath faded. Then he was gone.

* * *

“Are you sure you’re ready, Liss?” Maelona’s voice was reeking of concern.

“Yes! I’m sure! Stop worrying. You’ll get wrinkles!” I laughed. Maelona continued her frantic rant.

“It’s just you said you’d go when you were 21 and you’ve only just turned 16!”

“I know, but when Dad died I decided not to waste any of my life, you know?”

Maelona frowned. She held my shoulders gently, almost comforting me.

“I understand that you’ve been going through some things since Dad died. We all have. But, Liss, that was 3 years ago. You need to have a serious think about what you’re doing.”

I put my hands on Maelona's, “I have thought about it. Don’t try and stop me. Please Sis.”

Maelona just looked at me. She had a sympathetic look in her eye. She soon smiled,
“Well, if it’s what you want to do all I can do is support you. Have you told mum?”

“Yeah... she’s ok with it.”

"Well have you said goodbye to everyone at the guild?"

"Yes Maelona, I have." I answered, exhausted of the questioning.

"Good. I'm certain that everyone wishes you well."

Silence engulfed us.

“So when are you leaving?” Maelona asked. She looked upset, it was heartbreaking.

“Now, I guess. No time like the present, eh?”

The revelation shocked Maelona, I could see it in her eyes, but she recovered from the state and hugged me. “Please promise me you will keep in touch. Promise me.”

I tried to get away. I hated long goodbyes.

“Yeah, I promise.” I assured her.

She let go of me, but we embraced in a hug one last time. When she let go I could see tears streaming down her face while I forced mine back. I began to walk towards the main gate. I tried not to look back. My adventure was about to begin. Maelona would be fine. I knew that. Maelona shouted after me. "DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR UNDER GARMENTS TWICE A WEEK!"

I turned, flabbergasted. "Maelona! Don't tell everyone what I wear under my clothes! Or I'll tell Gogan what you wear under your clothes!"

I gave Maelona a cheeky gesture, suggesting what I meant, but Maelona turned all serious again.

"Just... just be safe, ok?"

"I will. Love you Sis." I could feel myself welling up, so i turned back towards the gate.

But I couldn’t get over the lie I told her.

It hurt to much to even think about it.

I didn’t tell Mother I was leaving...

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 12 2011, 12:09 PM

This chapter is so sad! For sending your story in by phone you are doing very well - the main thing is that you have a very creative mind, and if you can't access a proper computer - have still found a way to tell your story. Great Story and characters !!

I am on a computor now. Doing it by phone is to hard
and thank you for the compliment

I was trying to picture in my mind - How you could see what you are typing on that tiny phone screen, typing on that tiny keypad - it is amazing that you did that and it came out as good as it did. Your story and characters sound really interesting, and you are amazingly dedicated to getting it out - that is inspiring !!

Keep up the great work, if your character is half as tenacious as you are - we readers are in for one great story here !!!

I think you are like my cat - I have a cat that is tenacious - if you tell him he can't do something, he will do everything in his power to do exactly what you said he couldn't. He has survived near death 7-8 times because he never gives up no matter what - he doesn't fight with other cats ever, but is a fighter in his heart.

Four years ago the vet said the cat wouldn't make it overnight, wanted to euthanize him. I refused, he even offered to do it for no charge if I changed my mind. He went ahead and didn't charge me for most of the work he did on him. Four years later I am still petting that cat, here is a picture of him:


THE Bocephus Possom - If you say he can't, he damn sure will!

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images0...b71413143f0.jpg



*

Keep up the great work !!!!

Haha, i'll take that as a compliment!

Yeah, I guess Lissa is pretty tenacious. Shes very outspoken though. Hey, she told a vampire to shut up! Shes got alot of guts to do that haha

And your cat's so cute

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 10 2011, 05:01 PM

Thank you, and yes - it was meant as a compliment. I saw the guts and determination in her. Through her worst fears (that her father had done all that) - she still sought him, even going into that cave. That said a lot about her. Outspoken is great - interesting, unpredictable - I like that in her a lot !!!


This line was huge to me, very powerful statement about who she is:




I am very impressed by Lissa, and awestruck that you were able to get all this out ON A PHONE !!! Holy Cow !!

This post has been edited by mALX: Mar 10 2011, 05:29 PM

Again, thank you for the compliments

Btw for my readers, I would love your comments. Your positive remarks (or criticsisms) give me the inspiration to continue writing about Lissa's journey

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 10 2011, 08:27 PM

Don't worry about the readers! Just continue to publish interesting chapters and they will come! See? Here I am!

Now, I enjoyed this chapter... it was quite terrible having Lissa witness the death of her father. And by the hands of a Vampire, no doubt! My oh my, they are sure becoming a popular villain nowadays!

“But she wasn’t human, was she? She was a Bosmer. The lowest of the low. That’s my opinion anyway”

I demand a retraction of this statement immediately! Please do so before a certain blond Bravilian Bosmer comes across it, otherwise you might find yourself on the wrong side of her doctrine.

"Maelona! Don't tell everyone what i wear under my clothes! Or I'll tell Gogan what you wear under your clothes!"

Oh, my... a TES-ified vibrator? That's a new one for me.

Now, I do have some technical criticisms for your consideration:

First off, I'm noticing a lot of places where you dropped the capitalization of the possessive "I." Here's an example:

As i journeyed I could feel something.

"I" should be capitalized here.

I continued exploring, and before long i heard voices.

Same here, and in a few other places.

Next I am seeing a lot of places where you are starting your sentences with conjunctions:

But i wasn’t scared.

But if Dad did that he wouldn’t hurt me, would he?

But i spoke.

Starting a sentence with a conjunction does not make very much sense. Conjunctions exist to allow you to join two sentences or clauses together into one. If you already terminated the previous sentence, what would you be joining together if you started the next one with a conjunction? You should probably combine those previous sentences with the ones before them.

This is a multi-nit passage:

Just because Dad couldn’t be found, and he went in the cave, and their are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them.

I had trouble following this sentence, as it seems to ramble a bit. I would suggest experimenting with it a bit to see if you could get it to flow better. Also, "their" is possessive form of "they." You want "there."

“Lissa, honey. Don’t worry.” Dad turned to the vampire. “Our deal is done. You broke the agreement.”
The vampire just stood there. His grin made the skin on his pale face crease. “It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.”

The hungry forum ate one of your spaces!

I dropped the torch and ran to him, kennelling by his side

Perhaps you meant "kneeling" here?

“I promise, Daddy{.}”

You lost your period here.

I put my hands on Maelonas’...

Your apostrophe is in the wrong place here. This is the possessive plural usage, and since there are not two Maelonas in the room at the time, it doesn't make sense. Just move your apostrophe one space to the left, and all will be well.

I answered, exausted of the questioning{,} "Yes Maelona, I have."

Perhaps you would consider reverse the ordering of these sentences? You normally start with the quote, and then the narration. However, if you do not wish to, you do need to insert a comma where I have indicated. Also, "exausted" should be "exhausted." (It's a common misspelling, and I constantly have to catch myself on it, if you would know.)

Maelona shouted after me,
"DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR UNDER GARMENTS TWICE A WEEK!"

Looks like an errant press of the "enter" key here. These two sentences should be in the same paragraph.

Thank you for bearing with me through all that. I don't mean to sound like a windbag, my wish is simply to help you become the best writer you can be. Fiction writing is a very good way to gain an excellent grasp of the language which we speak, so please continue.

I continue to look forward to more story!

EDIT: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? The forum dropped all my quotes...

Excuse me, I need to re-format my post.

EDIT 2: There we go.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 10 2011, 10:38 PM

Thank you for the comments

My opinion of Bosmers is not the same as the vampires, I love Bosmers
Hopefully that certain blond bosmer will appreciate the slaying of the racist vamp

About the 'undergarment' comment, just sisterly banter, left to the imagination. Lissa does have SOME standards haha

I appreciate the comments about the errors. Hopefully one day my writing will be flawless

Thank you

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 10 2011, 10:46 PM

That was an exciting conclusion to the prologue! I really liked how you arranged the plot, with Lissa's father bringing the vampire food so that it would not harm his family. It all made perfect sense. Likewise Lissa's decision to up her timetable to go out and see the world was very understandable, given the circumstances of her father's death.

Your prologue has done exactly what one should. It has set the hook in your reader's mouths, making us want for more. Keep it up!


nits:
I found a pile of things, almost all of them failure to capitalize the word "I". Given how often you do it, I suggest you set your word processor's auto correct options to change that lowercase to an uppercase automatically. Or make a point to do a Search after your first draft to find them all.

Just out of curiosity, how many redrafts do you do of your writing? By which I mean, after you write the entire piece out, how many times do you read through it from start to finish to edit it? I typically do 5-6 drafts, and save each for a separate day so that I can tackle it with a fresh eye. Some people do much more.

and i couldn’t let that happen
That should be an uppercase I there.

As i journeyed I could feel something
Same here.

But I couldn’t shake off the feeling that i was in danger.
And again

and their are dead bodies everywhere doesn’t mean he killed them.
You were looking for there.

and before long i heard voices
And another I again.

and eventually i saw the source
And again.

You told me that if i brought you blood
And again.

Khajitt are animals now?
That is Khajiit.

So it’s ok to lead the Khajitt into my home
Same thing here.

and his eyes pointed to the space i was hidden
An I again.

i stood up cautiously from behind the rock and saw the other figure as clear as day come towards me.
And again.

“Oh no my dear fellow, first you will-“said the Imperial vampire.
There are two issues here. First you have no space after the closing quote. The other is that you have an opening quotation mark, rather than a closing one.

But i continued attacking him
The I once more.

kennelling by his side.
I think you meant kneeling?

“Dad! You’re ok-“Blood spurted from his mouth.
The same problem with the closing quote as the previous time.

But i spoke.
The I once again.

I put my hands on Maelonas’
That should be Maelona's

Well, if it’s what you want to do all i can do is support you.
Another I.

“Please promise me you will keep in touch. Promise me.”
I tried to get away. I hated long goodbyes.
The hungry forum ate your space between these two paragraphs.

Don't tell everyone what i wear under my clothes
And I again.

I gave Maelona a cheeky gesture, suggesting what i meant,
And again.

so i turned back towards the gate.
And again.

But i couldn’t get over the lie I told her.
And blessedly, the last lowercase I.

First things first. Great job on the rewrite of the first installment. You took the advice to heart and ran with it.

On to the second installment. Great stuff! I won't go into any nits because you have been inundated with plenty of them. No point in repeating.

So perhaps we have a budding vampire slayer in the making? Lissa certainly has cause to hunt them down. I'm looking forward to more of Lissa's adventures.

This post has been edited by TheOtherRick: Mar 11 2011, 01:42 AM

You are really doing well with this concept of 'show', don't 'tell'. In this episode you covered plenty of ground and revealed plenty of background just through what Lissa saw and heard.

A sad end to Lissa's father that shall, I suspect, retain a shroud of some mystery. Killing a Bosmer hating vampire? Lissa, you go, girl!

And now, our little Redguard heads out on her own to see the world.

I know that writing and editing can be lots of work. I'm another who edits endlessly as a draft slowly works its way up the queue toward posting it seems. You have a wonderful concept here and as you can see, there is plenty of help to work out some of the crafty bits on writing.

Well our protagonist seems to be skilled in magic of some type(s) and blunt weapons (beat the vamp to death with a torch, hey I think there is a mod that lets you do that).


Will be checking for updates!

Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments

I just want to let you all know that the next part will be here tommorow, and after that at least once a week.

By the way, don't worry too much about nits (but do try to build your proofreading skills and grammar by addressing them in future publications), the best way to improve your writing skills is to just write.

Write your heart out, take the comments into consideration, address any grammar errors you may have made, and your skills will develop very well.

Thomas Kaira & SubRosa: Thank you both for the kind words and the edit suggestions for the journal. Hopefully my grammer will improve if I keep at it!

King Coin: Thank you for the kind words. Lissa has basic skills in Destruction, Restoration and Illusion, which will come in handy for her in the future if she decides to improve them.

Acadian: Thank you so much. It feels like an honour having you congratulate my work! thank you

TheOtherRick: Thank you for the kind words. Maybe Lissa will decide to hunt vampires, and maybe not. It depends on how she feels if she sees another one of those dreadful being! haha.

Anyway, on to the first chapter:

---

PREVIOUSLY: Lissa was just living her life in Anvil, Learning restoration with her mother and arguing with her sister. One day, hoever, she went for a walk with her dad. Her dad noticed Khajiit bandits chasing a female Bosmer and decided to go after them, telling Lissa to go home.

Lissa refused and chased her father. She was led to a cave, full of dead people, and she became worried that it was her dad who did it. She eventually found out that the cause of the death's was a vampire, who Lissa's dad had been working for in order to protect his family. The vampire kills Lissa's dad for stopping their deal, so the Vampire kills him, and Lissa kills the vampire.

3 years after, Lissa decided to go out and explore Tamriel...

CHAPTER ONE ~ HAMMERFELL

“Welcome to Dragonstar, fellow Redguard! Been in Hammerfell long?”

I was quite overwhelmingly greeted by a friendly man, quite old but still nice. He was also a Redguard and by his attire I could only assume he was a mage of some sort. He wore a blue robe, which was very well made, and he carried a large staff. It was almost as big as me.

“Erm… No, not really. I’ve only just arrived.” I told him. I’d already been travelling for two years, receiving the same greeting everywhere I went. All I wanted was a nice hot bath, and maybe to visit a salon. My hair was awful; it was ratty and greasy, it was just awful.

“Well, I’m suspecting that you are in dire need of some relaxation. Please, come with me. I’ll get you sorted.” The old mage said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me through the town.

“Thanks, I could use a sit down I guess, you know, treat myself.” I joked. I needed to keep him talking about anything, before he asked me about my travels. They always do. They always ask every little detail. They obviously didn’t realise the amount of effort it took trying to remember-

“So tell me about your travels, young... oh, I don’t know your name, do I? My name is Jakkel Smithin, but please, call me Jak. And yours?

“My name is Maelissa Oleta Cristenn, but just call me Lissa.” I said, slightly mocking him, a little joke to myself I hoped he wouldn’t understand.

“Well, Lissa, let's get you inside and you can tell me all about your travels!” Jak said with delight. He looked at me, smiling, so I forced a smile right back.

Yay…

* * *

We sat in Jak’s cottage. It was very homely, I felt very safe. Apart from the stuffed bear head on the wall that stared directly at me, I felt very at ease.

“So after I left Skyrim I made my way to High Rock, then here. But if I’m honest, Hammerfell has always been my main destination, I wanted to get in touch with my roots, you know?” I told Jak, I had been stuck telling the story of my travels for an hour at least. I was beginning to bore myself.

“Well, you certainly have been around haven’t you?” He said, he looked almost proud of me, for some strange reason. “So, how long are you planning of gracing Hammerfell with your presence?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a couple of months or so, I don’t know. I was hoping to find a mentor for using the bow, but I don’t know whether Hammerfell would have any. Valenwood would be the best bet, wouldn’t it?”

Jak had a smile spread across his face. “Actually, it just so happens that I’m a master of marksman. I could be your mentor if you would like?”

The coincidental revelation stunned me. It has always been very unlikely for a Redguard to be such an expert in marksman, but who was I to turn down his offer? Assuming he was telling me the truth, that is.

“Yeah, that sound great, Jak, thanks. But do me a quick favour first, yeah?”

“Of course I can. What is it?”

“Prove it?” I said, as nicely as I possibly could. If he was telling the truth, I wouldn’t want to anger him. “Please.”

Jak rose up from his seat. He walked over to a cupboard and grabbed a golden bow and a quiver of arrows. He stood by the open window, readied his shot and fired. I jumped from my seat and ran to the window. A perfect hit of a very thin tree, almost 60 feet away. I turned to Jak, with a smile on my face.

“So… When can we start?”

* * *

“I have a gift for you Lissa. Happy 19th birthday!”

Jak was standing by where I was sat, holding a small package wrapped in silver paper. It was so beautiful I almost didn’t want to open it. But hey, what was I supposed to do?

“Thank you, Jak. You shouldn’t have!” I said, taking the parcel from Jak and opening it carefully, yet hastily. A Sapphire. “Oh… you shouldn’t have.”

Jak laughed.

“No, Lissa this is a Guardian stone.”

“A what what?” I replied, confused.

“This is a stone which enables the holder to speak with their Guardian Spirit. In your case, a young archer named Rihanae.”

“Really?” My voice suddenly turned quite shrill. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!”

I jumped out of my seat and grabbed Jak for a hug.

“But that isn’t all.”

A smile covered my face as I wondered what more he could possibly have.

“You have been doing so well with the art of marksman that I have arranged for my friend, Falvor, to come over and give you a reading. He can tell you things about your future.”

My smile grew bigger.

Oh my gosh. Best. Birthday. EVER!

* * *

I sat in my room, waiting for Falvor to arrive, trying to pick out my best clothes.

“Is that really important? He won’t care what you look like.”

I turned around rapidly, scanning the room for the speaker. Nobody was there.

“You won’t find me. I don’t have physical form, well, not anymore.”

I remained on alert mode.

“Are you really this air headed? It’s me, Rihanae, your Guardian.”

I suddenly relaxed, feeling kind of stupid that I didn’t work it out straight away.

“Oh, okay. I really should have guessed that, shouldn’t I?”

It was strange. It was like someone was speaking into my ear as clear as day, but no one was there.

“Anyway like I said, he won’t care what you look like.”

“You don’t know that. He could be a young, handsome Breton for all you know.”

“I doubt that… pick the blue dress.”

“Ooh, good choice!”

* * *

“So, are you ready for this?” said Falvor, yet another old Reguard mage. I love Hammerfell. So many young men.

“Yes. I most certainly am!”

Falvor took my hand. He pressed his thumbs gently across it. His face looked so serious. It was kind of funny. He seemed to have been mumbling something under his breath. I looked at Jak, who gave me a reassuring nod.

After 5 minutes Falvor’s grip of my hand began to tighten, to the point of causing me pain. He started to speak.

“You have to go back, you must go back. Things will get bad. Very bad. Only you can stop what is coming. Only you can. Go back. You must go back to Cyrodill. NOW! They need you. GO NOW!”

I released my hand from Falvor’s grip. I was slightly unnerved. Jak held onto Falvar and guided him outside.

What the-

After a short while he came back in. I stood up and walked over to him, confronting him.

“What just happened, Jak? Is he insane?” I asked, slightly angry.

“He may be a bit intense, but he is never wrong.”

We stood in silence. If he was never wrong, that meant that I was to be some kind of hero or something. But also that meant that people were in danger and if that included mother and Maelona, I had no time for thinking, only doing.

“Right, I’m going back to Cyrodiil.” I informed Jak. He didn’t seem surprised, nor did he try to stop me.

“How will you get there? You can’t walk, not if you want to get there as soon as possible”

“Then I’ll take a crriage.”

“Do you realise how much money you would need for that journey?”

“Then I’ll stowaway. I don’t care, I need to get to Cyrodiil now!”

Jak just looked at me, then he walked over to me and hugged me.

“You’ve been here a year and you’ve already grown up so much, Lissa.” He let go and held my arms. “You must do what you have to do. But you must know that I will always be here for you, okay? And if you ever need me… well, I’ll just know.”

I stood in silence. I felt emotional, but I hugged him and unintentionally spoke,

“Thanks Daddy.”

I didn’t even notice what I called him…

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 12 2011, 10:41 PM