This is fantastic Rihanae!

It's amazing to see such a jump in quality from your first post (which I still enjoyed greatly ).

Definitely keep it up!

You've got another intrigued reader.

Thomas Kaira - you can certainly begin a sentence with a conjunction, as my Good friend (C. Edward Good that is) will testify (see pages 157-159):

http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=KHp1kMd...p;q&f=false

I personally would say that Rihanae's use of conjuctions to begin sentences is OK. However, in this passage:



I probably would not use the second 'but', just: 'Then I noticed something.'

Rihanae, I am intrigued by your story. I enjoy Lissa’s informal way of speaking, and I like that it carries across to the narrative parts.

With a name like that, I was expecting this guy to be of the evil sorts. Glad that he isn't.

I never said it was a concrete rule, nor did I say you are not supposed to. I simply said that it does not make much sense to do so. The purpose of a conjunction is to join together two clauses in one sentence. I've seen several authors who do occasionally (I say occasionally) start sentences with conjunctions, but the point I am trying to get across is that such a practice is a bad habit to get into starting sentences with them all the time. That it why I only point this out if you are doing it too much.

You also need to be careful where and how to use a conjunction as a sentence starter; they need to feel natural. This passage:



Does not feel natural to me, it feels like the "and" was tacked on at the end needlessly. Whereas this one:



Is a better example. You can't just throw them in at the start of a sentence and expect them to work. You need to maintain a the flow of the writing, and conjunctions as sentence starters tend to disrupt that flow for beginning and amateur writers, which is why I advise against doing so if you are just starting and are still working out your grammar skills.

I will revise my criticisms on these a bit, but please keep in mind that just because something is technically okay to do does not make it okay to do all the time. I take liberty with the language which we speak just as much as you do, and while I agree with Good that it is okay at times to use a conjunction to start a sentence, I must respectfully disagree with his idea that it can be done all the time, as this passage is testament to:



In fact, I myself do not like his usage of sentence starting conjunctions here at all. If I were to rewrite this sentence, this is what it would look like:

So go ahead and start sentences with conjunctions; your writing will improve dramatically. You'll also help your readers move along from sentence to sentence. But if you have trouble convincing your professors...

Yes, I know, he was trying to make a point. But with this idea, less is most definitely more. (HA!)

By only rarely using conjunctions to start sentences, you make them stand out. And if you do it properly, you add impact to your writing. ( )

THAT is how you use conjunctions as sentence starters, at least in my eyes. Rihanae's problem was that she was tacking them onto tiny sentences that didn't really have much strength to stand on their own, which is a beginner mistake. That is NOT proper usage of conjunctions as sentence starters. Notice how the two I did, if you were to remove the sentence before them, would still be able to stand on their own?

It is a trend I have noticed in beginning writers to add a sentence-starting conjunction to a tiny sentence that would be better off integrated into the sentence before it. This is simply them taking the desire for short, concise sentences in fiction writing a bit too far. That is why I pointed it out here, I wanted to make Rihanae aware of this. You can't just tack a conjunction onto the start of a sentence and expect it to work, you need to be careful. Pick and choose where you wish to use them. THAT is how you will become a better writer.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 12 2011, 08:07 PM

Right, that's that messy business out of the way. I am really liking the style you are developing here. Very whimsical and innocent, and it fits Lissa quite well.

"My name is Jakkel Smithin, but please, call me Jak."
Argh! It's Jak! He who is nimble with the candlestick! Run for it, Lissa! Don't let him light his candle in your hearth!

It was so beautiful I almost didn’t want to open it. But hey, what was I supposed to do?
That's the way it's done.

It appears Mehrunes Dagon is on the move, as well. Will Lissa return to Cyrodiil in time? I hope so.

Nits:

“Well, Lissa, let{'}s get you inside and you can tell me all about your travels!”
You're missing an apostrophe where I've indicated. You want the contraction (which separated means let us) here.

I don’t care{,} I need to get to Cyrodiil now!
This comma probably got scared off by Falvor's intensity!

Jak just looked at me. He slowly walked over to me and hugged me.
These two together are confusing. perhaps if you were to insert "then" between "he" and "slowly"?

The rest of these are style-based considerations, so feel free to ignore them if you wish:

My hair was awful. It was ratty and greasy, it was just awful.
These two sentences could probably do better joined together. Perhaps like this? "My hair was awful; ratty and greasy, it was just awful."

...but who was I to turn down his offer, assuming he was telling the truth anyway.
This one might work better separated in two. Perhaps like this? "...but who was I to turn down his offer? Assuming he was telling the truth, that is."

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 12 2011, 08:44 PM

Hmm. I personally think (just my opinion) that Rihanae's use of conjunctions to start sentences was actually quite good. For example, in this passage:



you said that the 'and' as a sentence-starter was awkward, but actually I think it worked pretty well. In my opinion, it builds the tension to have individual sentences rather than one sentence or a paragraph. It creates the feeling that these thoughts are actually unfolding in Lissa's mind one by one, rather than being written in a paragraph which for me would create the feeling of a much more detached account. Put another way, which is more dramatic, the real version (above) or:



I certainly agree with your assessment of Mr. Good's use of conjunctions as sentence-starters. 'For your writing will improve dramatically' just does not sound right at all. I also agree that it can definitely become an overused feature of grammar. But (and see I'm doing it now!) I think it largely worked to good effect in Rihanae's first entry.

By the way, you can't use a stative verb (to like) in continuous tenses. You can only use continuous tenses with dynamic verbs (running, swimming, playing etc.) It should be 'I really like the style you are developing here' rather than 'I am really liking the style you are developing here'. But hey, I blame McDonalds for starting the whole 'I'm loving it' crap.

This post has been edited by Ceidwad: Mar 12 2011, 10:07 PM

Edited

@ Ceidwad & Thomas Kaira: I suggest taking the conjunction junction debate to another topic, and leave Rihane's topic to her story. The thread on Writing might be a good one to talk more on the subject, or perhaps even start a new one on grammar usage.

Now, back to the LF.
Hmmm, I wonder if Jak has a springheel?

“Prove it?” I said, as nicely as I possibly could.
You go Lissa!

I love Hammerfell. So many young men.
They've all gone to Cyrodiil. Just ask Chance!

A mostly quiet little piece, yet still with a great deal going on. Lissa meets and archery teacher, gets a voice in her head, and finally a doomful pronouncement from the local Witchman. When you look back, it is hardly quiet at all!


nits:
So tell me about your Travels young…
travels ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun.

Oh my god.
Not actually a nit, just an observation. Unless you mean to change it, Tamriel is presented as being polytheistic. You might want to change that to gods, or use the name of a specific one, if there is one of the Nine that Lissa feels particularly drawn to. For that matter "By the Nine!" is a rather common exclamation one sees in ES that you might use instead.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Mar 12 2011, 10:23 PM

Agreed. If you could re-post your response in the writing process thread, Ceidwad, I will respond to you there. However, I must state one thing...



This is needless. When I am responding to a story, I am a lot more interested in the grammar in the story than in my own (and vice versa for my own tale). Besides, it's a response, and I am typing in the way the words first come to me. You are essentially correcting my speech patterns here, and some people can take offense to that. I don't, but just to let you know. It also gives the impression that you are cherry-picking my responses to try and damage my credibility (but don't worry, I know you are not ), which that is certainly unacceptable.

Thanks anyway, but you didn't exactly choose the right place to grade my grammar.

Sorry, Rihanae... didn't mean to drag you off-topic again.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 12 2011, 10:54 PM

Just to be clear, I am not trying to damage anyone's credibility (and if I were, I would likely go further than critiquing that individual's grammar). Also, I am not planning to engage in debate on your grammar, whether here or elsewhere. The only reason I pointed it out was for the benefit of others.

Wonderful! You have created a character that is interesting, endearing and vulnerable. What's not to love?

I quite like how you summarized the previous episode before you began. It snaps us right into where you want us to be.

You are still excelling at the 'show' vs 'tell'. Here you gave us a feel for her journeys without specifically reporting them to us. You also showed us exactly how old she is now by detailing her nineteenth birthday. And what a birthday present! I'm looking forward to learning more of Rihanae.

A troubling fortune telling compelling Lissa to return to Cyrodiil. I know she has received some bow training; I hope it will help her as she heads south.

Over all, your story is shaping into an excellent passion-driven tale of an endearing character. Again, wonderful!

I agree with Grits in liking Lissa's informal manner of speech that carries into her narrative. That is one of the privileges of writing a story in the delightfully intimate first person.

*

So sorry to point out a couple nits for consideration:

'We sat in Jak’s cottage. It was very homely, I felt very safe.'
I think you want 'homey' here, not homely. At least that's the impression I get from your context.

“So, are you ready for this?” said Falvor, yet another old Reguard mage. I love Hammerfell. So many young men.'
It struck me as a bit odd to follow mention of 'yet another old Redguard' by being pleased to find 'so many young men'. The latter observation seemed somewhat contradicted by the first, or at least not supported by it. Just a thought. EDIT: After reading the comment below of wise mALX, you know I'll bet she's right. If you meant it to be sarcasm, please forgive my old thick head.

“Then I’ll take a crriage.”
carriage

This post has been edited by Acadian: Mar 13 2011, 04:12 AM

A nice little piece of character building. And now Lissa has the assets of a marksman skill and a spirit guide to aid her when she returns to Cyrodiil...to face who knows what? Very enjoyable and keeping me coming back.

GAAAAH! I love this chapter !!! My fave parts:

Her friendship with Jak grown so close - it skipped over a lot I would have loved to have read, but that's okay!!

Next - "pick the blue dress.” - loved that the spirit guide is also fashion advisor - that made me laugh !!




This had me rolling !!! Great sarcasm !!!





BWAAAA! Snork, snork ... how sad! Poor Lissa - but what a powerful note to end the chapter with !!

AWESOME WRITE !!!!!

Count Lauriel: Thank you for a very positive response, and thank you for reading

Grits: Thank you It seem's Lissa's particular style of speech is to everyone's taste

King Coin: Haha, well he might be! you never know! But im sure he isn't

SubRosa: Again thank you for the kind words, and also thank you for helping me with my edits

Thomas Kaira & Ceidwad: The page consuming debate aside, that you for the comments

Acadian: Thank you I'm glad that you enjoy reading Lissa's story and yes, the 'young men' part was intended to be portrayed as sarcasm. I apologise if that didn't come across immediatly.

TheOtherRick: Thank you. I'm glad that you are enjoying Lissa's journal

mALX: Haha, thank you for the enthusiastic compliments. I'm glad that you found Rihanae's sense of fashion amusing, he may seem like a bit of a misery, but hopefully him and Lissa will learn to love each other

So... here it is. The dreaded tutorial dungeon chapter. Hopefully Lissa's particular sense of life will make it different. Enjoy. Also, a small segement of the chapter is courtesy of Count Lauriel

PREVIOUSLY: After two years of travelling Lissa made it to Hammerfell, where she met Jak, a mage and master of marksman. She studied under him for a year, learning the art of the bow. on her nineteenth birthday she recieved a Guardian Stone, a magical sapphire which enables her to communicate with her Guardian Spirit, Rihanae. She also recieved a reading from a fortune teller named Falvor, who told her that if she didn't go back to Cyrodiil, many people would die. After a tearful goodbye, Lissa decided's to go back to Cyrodiil.

The only question was how would she...

CHAPTER 2 ~ PRISON BREAK

I woke up; my head was pounding. I stood up off the dirty, concrete floor and took in my surroundings. Prison.

Darn. I thought it was just a dream.

Apart from my Guardian Stone, which I smuggled in my hair, I had nothing to my name. no money, no weapons, no lipstick. It was awful.

I noticed a small table with a single stool in the corner of the clammy cell, a single ray of light beaming across from a sorry excuse for a window. I sat on the stool, thinking about why I was in this mess.

That’s the last time I stowaway in a first class carriage. It’s a bit of a severe punishment though…

Reality didn’t even hit me. I just sat on the stool, thinking about how awful my clothes were. A cloth shirt with disgusting trousers.

And the colour! Eurgh...

It was not the best outfit in the world, but it was better than nothing.

I guess I’m l lucky that no-one is around to see me wearing-

“Why, hello there pretty Redguard! Aren’t you a fine example of the female form!” There was male Dunmer stood in the cell opposite mine.

Eww…

“One of the guards owes me a favour. I could have you moved into my cell in minutes… if you like.” The sleaziness in his voice was more of a turn off than a turn on.
I stood up from the stool and walked over to the cell door, staring the Dunmer in the eye.

“Oh, I do hope you’re not talking to me, because if you are, when I’m released, I’ll have you singing the falsetto quicker than you can protect yourself. Do you understand me?”

“Oh, the Redguard has fire in her. I like that.” Suddenly the Dunmer stopped speaking. His attention turned to the sound of soldier walking down the prison steps. “Oh here they come! To take you away!”
I panicked, slightly. These soldiers sounded quite terrifying. I heard the voice of a female, who sounded very uptight. I knew before I saw her that I wasn’t going to like her. Before long the soldiers, three of them, were standing by my cell door. There was a man standing behind them. He wore very royal looking robes. His hair was white and his face was old.

“WHAT!? What is this prisoner doing here! This cell was supposed to be off limits!” shouted the female soldier. She may have been very forthright, but at least I was prettier than her.

“You. Stand by the window. Now.” said another soldier. A male Redguard. A young male Redguard. I did what he said and walked over to the window. I tried to look as attractive as I could, but that was a challenge when you were wearing an empty potato sack. The soldiers walked over to a wall in the far right corner of the cell.

“Now the passage should be over here. There is a loose brick which is a secret switch. Ah, here it is.”

The female soldier pushed a brick, causing the wall to open. As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.

“You. I’ve seen you before. In my dreams…”

“…Thanks?” I replied, slightly confused. Was he flirting? Or was he senile?

He turned back towards the soldiers, “She comes with us. No questions.”

The guards looked as if they were ready to protest, but they resisted. “Yes, Emperor.”
Emperor!?

The Emperor, again, turned towards me.

“Come with us.”

An early release AND the Emperor is speaking to me? Wow…

* * *

I followed the party through the ruins of what appeared to be some sort of tomb, I wasn’t to sure. The architecture was like nothing I had seen before. It was quite large, and I was tempted to shout just to see if it echoed, but I thought that wouldn’t go down well with the soldiers.

Suddenly we were attacked from all around us. There were men in red and black armour trying to attack the Emperor. The soldiers readied themselves for a fight, while I tried to keep the Emperor safe, mainly by hiding with him in a dark corner.

The battle was intense. Blood splattered the walls of the ancient building, but soon enough all the bad guys were dead… but so was the female soldier.

“Captain Renault…” grieved the Emperor. She may have been a stuck up idiot, but she fought well.

“Emperor, we have to keep going.” said the Redguard soldier, and then he turned to me. “You stay here.”

"Oh, but…"

The emperor looked and me, smiled and nodded. The party walked through a gate at the far end of the room, leaving me on my own.

“Lissa, Look over there. That wall is weak. You can knock it down.” said Rihanae.

I noticed the wall of which he spoke and, as he said, it was weak. I readied myself and shoulder rammed the wall. I could feel if moving, but I needed more power. After repeating my actions a few times the wall crumbled, to reveal a dank and stench ridden cavern.

I strolled cautiously through the cavern, spotting something that peaked my interest. A single bow and a quiver of about two dozen arrows attached to a skeleton, which also wore a full set of what appeared to be leather armour. I wasn’t even remotely bothered about touching, and breaking, the skeleton, I was just happy that I was finally armed.

* * *

The rest of the cavern was more than a little bit dangerous. On more than one occasion I was attacked by rats, which I easily took care of, and there was even a zombie, which I found slightly disturbing. My journey led me to a wide open space. A huge circular cave, which had a large dip in the centre which housed some caged rats.

Well, this is rather peculiar…

Then I saw something, something quite nasty.

GOBLINS! Okay, now not so peculiar.

I had no idea what I was going to do from there, so I tried to sneak past them. I wanted to save my arrows, so avoiding detection seemed like the best answer. I could see the exit, which I slowly headed for. Everywhere I turned there seemed to be a goblin. There was even a goblin mage, which I’d never seen before, but was careful not to attract.

I remained in the shadows, creeping past the intellectually challenged creatures, eventually making it to the exit. As I began to head out, something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot. I jerked my head up and round, to be met by the stares of every Goblin in the cavern. I didn't think, I spun and sprinted towards what I thought was the way out. I ducked under a stalagmite, but not low enough. It clipped my shoulder and sent me spinning. I scrambled to my feet and tried to re-orient myself. The goblins were still on my tail, so I continued to sprint for my life.

I didn't think it would end well.

Notgonnamakeitgonnadie!
* * *

I managed to lose the goblins, and I found an entrance back into the tomb. At the end of the cavern there was a large hole gouged through the wall. I jumped through the hole and into the tomb. I could hear the voice of the Emperor, and relief overcame me. I followed the voice and found the party, all still intact. They were by a gate; the Redguard was trying, yet failing, to unlock it.

“It’s no use, it won’t budge. We’ll have to find another way.” said the Redguard.

I noticed there was another room on the left hand side of the locked gate, so I spoke up.

“What about this room here?”

The party all turned to look at me. The Emperor looked pleased to see me. The soldiers did not.

“What are you doing here?” said the other soldier. He unsheathed his sword and came towards me. “Careful, she might be working with the assassins!”

“No, she’s not. This girl is innocent." the Empereor turned to face me. "Please, accompany me to this room of which you speak. We must talk.” said the Emperor. I obeyed his orders and entered the room with him, with the soldiers remaining outside, keeping guard. The Emperor began to speak again; I could feel a lecture coming on.

“Now we are free from my guards I must inform you that you are key to the survival of Cyrodiil’s people…”
He went on about oblivion, saving the world, his assassinated sons. I spaced out, to be honest.

After his speech he took his amulet off from around his neck and handed it to me. “You must take this Amulet to a man named Jauffre. He resides in the Weynon Priory just outside of Chorrol. Speak to him. Tell him that there is another heir-“

I heard fighting outside. The sound of blades clanging made me nervous, but I knew we were safe. Well, until an assassin came out of nowhere and within miliseconds he killed the Emperor before my eyes. I was shocked as I had no clue as to where he came from. Startled, I fell to the floor. The assassin began to slowly walk towards me. I froze in fear as he lifted his sword ready to plunge it into me.

“You’re going to regret helping the Emperor, Redguard.” threatened the assassin. I closed my eyes, sure of death, when I heard the assassin collapse with a crash to the floor. I opened my eyes. The Redguard soldier stood before me, offering a hand. He killed the assassin. The other soldier was nowhere to be seen.

“Are you ok?” he asked

I brushed myself off before I answered. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.”

“The Emperor. I can’t believe he’s gone. I’ve failed him… did he say anything before he passed?”

“Apart from a gasp of surprise, nothing really. Not anything interesting anyway, but he did give me this amulet.”

“By the Nine! He trusted you with this?”

“I guess. I’ve got to give it to some guy called Jeffrey.”

“Jauffre.”

“Jafferey?”

“Jauffre.”

“Jauffre?”

“Yeah. He’s the head of my order, the Blades. If the Emperor said you have to go to him, then you have to.” He fumbled around in his pocket for a bit, before unveiling a key. “Here, take this. This’ll get you to the sewers, which if you follow will get you out of here.” He handed me the key, then smiled at me. “I’m guessing you’re an Archer. Am I right?”

“Nope. I’m an Archress.”

“An Archress?”

“Yes.”

“So… an Archer?”

“No, an ArchRESS.”

“Okay.” He looked slightly puzzled, but he turned serious again. “You have to go. Now. And please, Be careful.”

* * *

After trekking through dirty water in the rancid sewer I made it to the exit, a single beam of light revealing daylight from the outside. I opened the exit gate and ran towards my freedom.

Fresh air! Sun! FLOWERS!

I danced beautifully with glee at the beauty of my daring escape, of which the end result was to say the least, beautiful.

But before I caused my self an injury from my, frankly, brilliant moves, I stopped to think.

I’ve got to get to Jeffrey immediately… then to Anvil.

This was only the beginning of what was to come…

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 17 2011, 02:24 PM

Another fantastic section, Rihanae. You bring Lissa very much to life.

The only critiscism I can make, is that sometimes in places where I feel there should be a sense of urgency, there is none.


This part in particular. I'm not very good at the advice, so someone else who's more experienced may be able to help you better. But here goes. Including more description, what Lissa sees and feels, but keeping it short and snappy can (in my experience) help quicken readers pulses.

"Something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot. I jerked my head up and round, to be met by the stares of every Goblin in the cavern. I didn't think, I spun and sprinted towards what I thought was the way out. I ducked under a stalagmite, but not low enough. It clipped my shoulder and sent me spinning. I scrambled to my feet and tried to re-orient myself."

This is merely what I would have done though. It's your story and feel free to disregard what I say. I may be completely wrong, haha.



Lmao! This is very well done, and very Lissa.

Edit: Formatting.

This post has been edited by Count Lauriel: Mar 14 2011, 12:02 PM

Thank you for the advice. I put your segement in the chapter, and i acknowledged that it was your segment in the description bit before the chapter

You may wish to make it your own though. That was a very quick "off the top of my head". Regardless, keep up the good work!

I did change one or two things, but IMO it seemed perfect for the situation

Then all is well!