Your character is quite whimsical. Make sure she takes note to listen to Jauffre's lectures, now! We don't want her to go off into that place without proper preparations, do we?

Typical, typical teenage (or college age) girl.... Next thing we know she'll be thinking the most important thing about a visit to Oblivion is not having split ends or something.

Couple of nits:

I think you mean "too" here.

This is something I wanted to touch on in the previous chapter, but I had given you quite enough to work with already so I let it slide. I would advise against using numbers in your descriptions unless you have no other choice, or you absolutely to the bottom of your gut feel that they are needed. It's much more fun to read "a quiver half-filled with arrows," or "a quiver filled to the britches with arrows" than it is to give us numbers.

For small numbers (IMHO, up to five), it's okay to give us a number (just spell it out instead of using the numerical character) because that is an amount that can easily be counted on sight. 30, on the other hand, is not. It's up to you to judge what amount is the limit, but I feel that the absolute maximum is ten. Anything over ten, it is better to omit the numbers.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 14 2011, 10:01 PM

which I smuggled in my hair
So now we know she did not smuggle it somewhere else...

no money, no weapons, no lipstick.
Oh noes! (You also forgot to capitalize the first word in the sentence).

I tried to look as attractive as I could, but that was a challenge when you were wearing an empty potato sack.
Yep, Lissa is a girly-girl alright!

I remained in the shadows, creeping past the intellectually challenged creatures, eventually making it to the exit. As I began to head out, something brittle snapped loudly beneath my foot.
So much for being smart!

The party all turned to look at me. The Emperor looked pleased to see me. The soldiers did not.
I loved this paragraph, and the way that you re-inserted Lissa into the Royal party by having her point out the fateful side passage. Then Lissa spacing out while the Emperor spoke to her was just hilarious.

Apart from a gasp of surprise, nothing really.


The Archer/Archress exchange was hilarious, especially following so closely on the heels of Jeffrey/Jauffre!

All in all a fun part. I see a lot of humor surfacing in Lissa, that really lifts the story.

nits:
were stood by my cell door.
I think you meant standing.

There was a man stood behind them.
Same thing here. Or you might just delete stood. The sentence works fine without it.

His hair was white, {and} his face was old.
You are missing an {and} where I inserted it above.

“Now the passage should be over here. There is a loose brick which is a secret switch. Ah, here it is.”
The female soldier pushed a brick, causing the wall to open. As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.
The hungry forum ate your space between paragraphs here.

As this was happening, the old mane turned his attention towards me.
I think a Khajiit stole your man and replaced him with a mane.

The guards looked as if they were ready to protest, but they resisted. “Yes, Emperor.”
Emperor!?
The hungry forum is at it again.

“Emperor, we have to keep going.” said the Redguard soldier, and then he turned to me. “You stay here.”
Oh, but…
Same here.

After repeating my actions a few Times the wall crumbled,
That should be a lowercase times there.

To add to what Thomas "Captain Cook" Kaira said about the number of arrows, I humbly submit that saying two dozen, or three dozen, etc... works well with moderately large numbers.

which had a large dip in the centre which homed some caged rats.
I think you wanted housed here.

They were stood by a gate; the Redguard was trying, yet failing, to unlock it.
You can just delete the were here.

“It’s no use, it won’t budge. We’ll have to find another way.” said the Redguard.
I noticed there was another room on the left hand side of the locked gate, so I spoke up.
Hungry forum once more.

“Now we are free from my guards I must inform you that you are key to the survival of Cyrodiil’s people…”
He went on about oblivion, saving the world, his assassinated sons. I spaced out, to be honest.
And again.

The Redguard Soldier stood before me
No need to capitalize soldier.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Mar 15 2011, 12:30 AM

I lol'd at that

Good explanation of what was going on in the prison. I never did find out what my character was in for...

Hi Rihanae. I’m Destri. I was hooked at ‘Redguard Archress’. We can never have enough Redguard stories, in my opinion.

SubRosa’s advice to you after the first post was right on target (as is usual with her). I got the impression that you might have been a bit confused as to how to remedy the tendency to info dump. And I also know that there aren’t a lot of examples to give you a concrete knowledge of what all of that really means. I am certainly no expert, but I might be able to help.

Take this statement made by Maelona in the prologue:

The two bold sentences are an info dump. All of the information presented already exists through action in the story. We see Mother’s worry when she clings to Lissa during the lesson, and explains her motivations for it. We see Lissa’s penchant for exploration when she ventures into that cave, in spite of her father’s orders. Like ‘Rosa said, you are already showing us these things organically through the story.

Now take Maelona. She goes into that room at the beginning of the story to wake up her sister. The fact that she gently scolds her sister in the process gives us at least an inkling of their relationship, which is reaffirmed when she retrieves her sister’s wayward amulet. Without telling us we are led to the conclusion that Maelona is the older sister who loves Lissa very much. And like an older sibling she feels responsible for her sister, even when that sister can be exasperating. That’s what you’ve shown us in the space of a few lines of dialogue and action without telling us anything other than the fact that Lissa is late for her Restoration lesson. That is effective writing.

Prologue Part 2:

I found the solution to the mystery presented in the first part of the prologue interesting. Lissa’s father was herding ‘sustenance’ to that cave to keep a vampire from preying on his family. I especially liked the fact that, as he died, he viewed his actions as cowardly. That speaks volumes of his sense of right and wrong and makes him easy to respect as a character. That was why it was so hard to see him exit so early. I can also understand why his death prompted Lissa to adjust her planned date of departure.

Chapter 1:

This felt a little rushed to me. It was almost as if you wanted to get the boring bits in Hammerfell over with so that the real story could begin. Be careful not to make that mistake. In Jak and Falvor you give us two incredibly uncommon personages . . . namely Redguard mages. In Hammerfell! As a rule Redguards revile and despise the use of magick, and they feel an almost pathological mistrust of those who practice it. Covering the year that Lissa spends with Jak in the space of a single sentence cheats yourself (and the reader) of some wonderful story possibilities. During that year we could have seen her grow as a person (as well as an archress). We could have seen her confronted with the intolerance and cruelty of members of her own race who hate her new friend and mentor. We could have been given some indication of her growing fondness for Jak that would have resonated with us when she finds herself forced to leave him.

I also thought it was strange that, once you established Lissa’s guardian spirit, you chose to keep him/her silent during and after Falvor’s reading.

Chapter 2

I absolutely loved this:

Just as Lissa is getting a little full of herself, fate (or the Nine) decides to knock her down!

Once again ‘Rosa’s nits are well observed. I have nothing to add to them. Likewise TK’s advice on the use of numbers (and on the use of conjunctions) is sound.

I’ll look forward to more.

This is great fun! Lissa continues to be a charming character.

We see now how she 'afforded' her carriage and what it cost her. Must be fate!

I loved the Jeffrey/Jauffre exchange.

Yes, I completly agree with your comments about this chapter. i will work on it and give it more depth.I did read the lore on Redguards but i must of not read the part about magic. I will keep Jak and Falvor as mages, but I will have them as loathed characters to the people of Dragonstar. I will work on it shortly.

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 15 2011, 07:12 PM

I got a huge kick out of the lack of ability to communicate between Baurus and Lissa - Really funny!

I think you did a wonderful job at taking a part of the game we all know (ad nauseam) and making it your own - and did it solely by the great personality of Lissa!!

Your story stays interesting and Lissa gives a very genuine accounting of herself in it !! Loving this, please keep up the great work !!!!

This post has been edited by mALX: Apr 2 2011, 11:15 AM

mALX: Again, thank you for the compliments. I'm very happy that you enjoy Lissa's story so much!

Acadian: I'm glad that you are enjoying the journal, and that Lissa's personality is coming across :)

SubRosa: Haha, I thought I'd better explain exactly WHERE Lissa hid the sapphire for that reason :)
Thank you for the nits. Edited

Everyone else: Thank you for the compliments :)

This next chapter is in three short parts. It also introuduces an original character of mine, Jessie, a Bosmer.

PREVIOUSLY: After stowing away in a first class carriage from Hammerfell to Cyrodiil, she was dicovered and sent to prison. Whilst in prison she met the emporer and his guards, who she escaped the prison with. she witnessed the assasination of the emporer, to gave her an amulet to give to a man named Jauffre. She left the prison via a sewer system and is now headed for Chorrol.

Chapter 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 1

The Imperial City was, to say the least, enormous. All I noticed whilst entering the capital was the titanic tower in the middle of the city. As I walked through the busy streets I thought to myself about what my plan of action was for that particular moment.

So I can either stay in town for the night or head to Chorrol now…

I couldn’t decide, it was too hard. I wanted to give the amulet to Jeffery so it was out of the way, but I also wanted to explore the city a bit more, maybe get a bite to eat.

I have to find somewhere to buy some decent clothes, anyway.

Seeing as I found at least fifty septims in the dungeon, I thought I may as well do a bit of retail therapy after my ordeal, but I doubted that I would find anything even remotely affordable.

“I suggest you stay in town for the night, at least. Rest up a bit. Jauffre isn’t going anywhere.” Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.

I thought about what I would do, where I would go. So many shops, so little time.

“I think your main priority should be getting your bow repaired. It’s in bad shape.”

“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”

I decided to ask around to find a source of water large enough to bathe in. I thought about the beautiful stretch of water outside the sewer exit, mentally kicking myself for not bathing while i had the chance. I saw and asked a beggar, I thought about giving her money for helping me, if I felt like it. Maybe. I barely had enough money for me.

“Um, excuse me, I’m looking for a public bathing spot. Or a shower. Do you know of any near here?”

The beggar woman looked at me and smiled.

“Yes, please, follow me… for a piece of gold.”

Without protest, I reached into the bag Baurus gave me and took out a single septim. She took it gently from my fingers and thanked me, then beckoned me to follow her.

“So what is your name, Redguard?” she asked.

“Lissa- Lissa Cristenn. I’m an archress from Anvil.”

“How wonderful. My name is Simplicia.” She told me.

“Good to meet you Simplicia. So... where are we going?”

“There is a small stream of water within the city, near the door to the palace. It’s not exactly fresh, but it should do the job.”

So using dirty water to get clean? Genius.

“Is there nowhere... um... more hygienic?” I asked the kind beggar.

She laughed at me, as if I told a really bad joke. Either that or I just have one of those faces you can't help but laugh at.

“I can honestly say, no. The only way you can have a clean bath here is to break into the palace!” we stopped walking as we reached the door she spoke of and, as she said, there was a stream by the door. It smelled.

*

“Well, that was pleasant.” I said, putting my clothes back on. Simplicia smiled at me.

“Imagine bathing in there everyday, child!” Her smile quickly turned into an expectant gaze. “Is there anything else I can help you with?"

“Your repairs, Lissa! It’s important! Get her to take you to a weapon shop, or armouror!” demanded Rihanae.

“You’re boring me now.” I replied. Simplicia looked at me, confused. She must have thought I was talking to her. “No, not you. Um... I need to find a weapon shop. Could you take me to one? For this?”

I reached into my bag and pulled out another gold coin. Simplica had a grateful look on her frail face. She took the coin from my hand.

“Thank you, Lissa. I’ll take you to ‘A Fighting Chance', it’s the best, I’ve heard.”

Simplicia began to walk and i followed, looking at each person I walked past to see if they had a ‘By the Nine what is that SMELL!” look on their face.

*

We didn’t have to walk far to get to ‘A Fighting Chance’, hardly worth the gold to be honest, but if it helped out Simplicia I didn’t mind.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off, no doubt to do more begging, as beggars do. I opened the doors to the shop, and was met by a room full of weaponry. Swords, daggers, bows and other dangerous things. I walked over to the counter where an old-ish woman was writing on some paper. I coughed to hint at my presence, catching her attention. She looked at me.

I don’t believe it!

“Auntie Rohssan!” I screamed with glee in my voice.

“Lissa? what brings you here?” Rohssan replied. She walked around the counter and embraced me; it was wonderful seeing a familial face again.

“You know, got arrested, escaped from prison. The usual!”

“Wait, What?” Rohssan said, slightly confused.

“Its a long story.” I told her.

“I’ve got time.” Rohssan informed me, leading me to a seat.

*

“And now I’ve got to give this to some guy called Jeffrey.” I showed her the amulet.

Rohssan smiled, she seemed quite entertained by my story, strangely.

“Well, you Cristenn women certainly know how to cause trouble!”

“Don’t I know it!” I replied. I went to ask her a question before we were interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening, a red headed Bosmer stood in the doorway. She noticed we were talking and walked sheepishly towards us, holding a fur cuiress in her hands.

“Sorry, Rohssan, but I’m in a bit of a predicament..."

“Did you break your bow again, Jessie?"

“No, not this time. I’ve ripped my cuirass.”

I looked and saw, like she said, a large rip on her cuirass. It looked more like a claw mark, though.

“Oh, I see.” Said Rohssan. She stood and took the cuiress from Jessie then walked over to her counter and took out a sewing kit, starting work.

Jessie came over and sat in Rohssan’s seat. She smiled at me, as if she was expecting me to initiate a conversation. She was pretty, but that wouldn’t mean we’d be friends. Suddenly Rohssan spoke.

“Jessie, this is my niece, Lissa. Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Jessie."

Great, Thanks auntie-

“Pleased to meet you!” Jessie said, rather excitedly. She held out her hand which I took, shaking it.

“Ditto.”

The silence was awkward. I prayed for Rohssan to finish up so the atmosphere would loosen up.

“So... what brings you to the city?” Jessie asked.

“Just a pit stop, really. I’m headed to Chorrol.”

“Oh. Any particular reason?”

“Yes, actually. Thank you for asking.” I said sarcastically.

I didn’t mean to be, well, mean, but I couldn’t stand small talk. Jessie was nice enough yes, but I wasn’t in the mood to chat about nothing.

Rohssan walked over, holding the cuirass, now repaired.

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuirass. Jessie had a pleased look on her face and took the cuiress, standing as she did so.

“Thanks Rohssan, it’s perfect!” She turned to me. “Nice to meet you, Lissa.”

I smiled at her and she left. I was now free to continue my conversation with auntie Rohssan. I had lots of questions to ask.

About Maelona, about the latest happenings.

About mother...

---------------------------------

Lissa and Rohssan

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Apr 13 2011, 01:14 PM

I wanted to give the amulet to Jeffery so it was out of the way
Jeffery once more!

So many shops, so little time.
The woman's lament.

Auntie Rhossan? Now that is a brilliant touch! Obviously she is from a different part of the family, else her name would be Maessan!

Something tells me that we shall be seeing this red-haired Bosmer bowgirl again.

All in all a nice little piece as Lissa catches her breath and gets her bearings in the Imperial City.

nits:
She must of thought i was talking to her.
One of your baby I's sneaked back in.

‘A Fighting Chance”,
Looks like Simplicia took your single quote, and replaced with a double quote at the end there.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia
And then she made off with her own capitalization!

holding a fur cuiress in her hands
That is a cuirass.

“No, not this time. I’ve ripped my cuiress.”
Here too.

Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Lissa.”
I think you meant to end that with Jessie?

Rohssan walked over, holding the cuiress, now repaired.
That dastardly cuirass at at it again. No wonder it got ripped!

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuiress.
And again.

'I thought I may as well do a bit of retail therapy after my ordeal,'
I loved this!!!

'Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.
. . .
“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”
I really enjoyed the intentional contradiction and perfect young womanly logic you employ here!

Like SubRosa, I enjoyed that Rohssan is Lissa's aunt.

Nits:
“How wonderful. My name in Simplicia.” She told me.'
You want is vs in.

'She must of thought i was talking to her.'
I would recommend have vs of. If you want to make it sound more casual, you might use the informal contraction of must have, which would be must've.

'I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off,'
SubRosa already identified that Simplicia needs to be capitalized, but I would also use wandered vs wondered.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Mar 22 2011, 01:28 AM

A very fun piece. What a neat twist have Rohssan be Lissa's aunt!

“Oh hush, you!” I replied, slightly annoyed. Rihanae was getting on my nerves. “My main priority should be having a bath!”


Once again, you give your character a delightful whimsy. You gave me several faint smiles with her observations.

Nits:

“I suggest you stay in town for the night, at least. Rest up a bit. Jauffre isn’t going anywhere.” Rihanae suggested, and he was right, as always.

“Well, that was pleasant.” I said, putting my clothes back on.

“You’re boring me now.” I replied.

“Its a long story.” I told her.

“I’ve got time.” Rohssan informed me, leading me to a seat.

“And now I’ve got to give this to some guy called Jeffrey.” I showed her the amulet.

“Yes, actually. Thank you for asking.” I said sarcastically.

“Here we go Jessie.” She handed Jessie the cuiress.

This one is a bit tricky, because punctuation within quotations excepts a rule about period usage. The idea is you don't ever use periods in your quotations if you are transitioning to a narration immediately afterward. Question marks, exclamation points, every other form of punctuation is okay. It is also perfectly fine to use periods when the paragraph contains only the quotation. It's just the periods when switching immediately from quotation to narration you can't have. All of those selections I made above need the periods inside the quote-marks replaced with commas.

I thought about what I would do, where I would go.

I'd swap this comma for a semicolon or add a conjunction here, this sentence doesn't flow very well with just a comma.

Simplicia began to walk and i followed, looking at each person i walked past to see if they had a ‘By the Nine what is that SMELL!” look on their face.

Multi-nit passage: You need to capitalize your pronoun Is here. You also have an errant double quote at the end of your single quote.

I stood outside the shop door with simplicia, thanked her and she wondered off, no doubt to do more begging, as beggars do.

This sentence seems rather clunky. I'd suggest rewriting it. Also, don't forget to capitalize Simplicia.

She walked around the counter and embraced me; it was wonderful seeing a familial face again.

Did you perhaps mean familiar here? If not, feel free to disregard this, familial works in this case, too.

I told her everything.

Don't tell us, show us! You don't need this sentence at all, the transition you gave is quite enough. I suggest you delete this one.

“Jessie, this is my niece, Lissa. Lissa, this is my favourite customer, Jessie."
Great, Thanks auntie-

Those darn moderators forgot to feed the forum again! It ate your space, the ravenous beast!

I know, I know, I can be a bit anal at times, especially about sentence structuring. I just want you to become the best you can be, is all. I really do enjoy reading these pieces.

Great chapter! I love the stop to see auntie!

Funny !!





ROFL !!! All that arguing with Baurus and still got it wrong !!! ROFL !!!

And poor Jessie, lol. She picked the wrong day to need repairs !! Sounds like a Daedra ripped her cuirass, hmmmm...

Great Write !!

Hmmm, it seems that SageRosa, the Acadi-editor, and TK have already pointed out everything there was to point out. As they said, Lissa’s sense of humor makes her immensely likeable. I hope she can sort out the problem of Jeffrey Jauffre’s name before she gets to Weynon Priory.

Having Rohsan as an aunt at least gives her a friendly face in the big city. And I have a feeling that we will be seeing Jessie again soon.

Destri Melarg: Thank you for the kind words, i too hope she is able to pronounce his name correctly! can you imagine how embarassing that would be? haha

mALX: Yeah, it appears Jessie did. Hopefully she didn't take it to heart!

Thomas Kaira: Thank you for the compliments and the nits. as with SubRosa and Acadian's, they have been edited.

Acadian: I am really pleased that you are enjoying the journal! Lissa is dear to me and I hope she come's across in a good manner

SubRosa: Again, thank you for the compliments, i am glad you enjoyed the twist about Rohssan being family! Lissa has A LOT of family across Cyrodiil!

Here is part 2 of chapter three. It is short, but hopefully still enjoyable

PREVIOUSLY: Lissa made it to the Imperial City where she met a beggar, Simplicia, who let her to a weapon shop called 'A Fighting Chance', as Rihanae suggested Lissa repairs her weapons. Unknown to Lissa, her aunt Rohssan own 'A fighting Chance' after a quick conversation with Rohssan. Lissa met a Bosmer girl named Jessie, who Lissa felt slightly uncomfortable around, due to Jessie's very forward nature. After Rohssan had repaired Jessie's damaged cuirass, her and Lissa continued their conversation...

CHAPTER 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 2

“You’ll have to excuse Jessie, by the way,” Rohssan said. “she could talk for Cyrodiil!”

“It’s okay aunt Rohssan, she wasn’t bothering me.”

Much.

“So anything big happen while I was away?” I continued, changing the subject. There was so much I needed to know.

“Well, Maelona got married and-“

“Wait a minute, hold up. What? And she didn’t let me know?” I was slightly aggravated that Rohssan said this as if I already knew about it. How could I?

“Her and Gogan last year. It was a beautiful ceremony. She did say she tried to contact you via a private investigator.” She could clearly the how angry I looked as her expression turned stern. “You need to realise that you were away for a LONG time. She had no idea where you were. Wipe that look off your face. You can’t blame Maelona when she had no possible way of letting you know about it.”

Rohssan was right and, yeah, I may have been a little bit selfish being a bit annoyed by her revelation, but I put on a smile and acted as if I was ok with it. It wasn’t that Maelona didn’t let me know about it, it was more that fact that I wasn’t there on her big day. I was angrier at myself than anything.

“Lissa, this is wasting time. You need to get to Jauffre NOW!” Rihanae ordered. I couldn’t exactly answer him in front or Rohssan, so I tried to excuse myself.

“Um… I need to go outside for a bit of fresh air. I feel really stuffy. Is that okay?” I asked Rohssan.
“Of course, but please come back. We have more to talk about!” She replied with a smile on her face.

I rose from my seat and headed toward the shop door, opened it and left the shop. To the right had side of the shop there was a small arch; perfect for talking to Rihanae without people thinking I’m a lunatic. Once I was under the arch I spoke to Rihanae.

“You could of at least waiting until I’d stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much,”

“We have no time for family reunions. Not right now anyway.”

His comment made me slightly livid, but again I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by raising my voice to no-one because that’s just weird.

“I don’t understand exactly why it should be me who has to deliver it.”

“Because the emperor entrusted you with a task. A task which you should complete.”

“But WHY! How is me giving an amulet to Jeffrey going to save the world exactly?”

“No, I don’t think Jauffre is the key. But I DO think he is a link. A link to your true destiny”

“Oh, okay, my DESTINY! Right.” I replied, sarcastically of course.

Destiny shmestiny.

“So you’re really going to be this stubborn?”

“Stubborn? Stubborn? I’ll give you-“

Suddenly I heard a voice next to me. A familiar voice.

“Who’s being stubborn?

Jessie was stood next to me, a big grin on her face.

“Erm… no-one, it doesn’t matter,” I replied with a smile and asked her a question, “so you got attacked?”

My eyes pointed in the direction of her cuirass. She went all sheepish on me.

“Um, yeah. Something I tried to do went a bit wrong…” she told me.

A BIT wrong?

Her eyes suddenly turned hopeful.

“I need to ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot.” I said.

As long as it’s not a question about her hair, because I would have to be brutally honest.

“You’re heading to Chorrol, aren’t you?” she asked; a hopeful look in her eyes.

“Um…”

“Yes, you are.” Rihanae said.

“Maybe. Why?” I said.

“Well, I’m trying to get into the Arcane University and I need to get my recommendation from
Chorrol.”

“And that involves me because…” I asked.

“Because I would really like some company if I’m honest. I’ve been travelling alone and I get bored.”

Her face looked quite sad, I wanted to say yes, but I didn’t know if I was even going to Chorrol. While I was thinking, something suddenly registered in my head.

“Wait a minute, you’re a mage?” I asked Jessie.

“No, I’m a conjurer. I’m an apprentice.”

That is seriously cool.

“Can you… show me something?”

Jessie looked around, registering the people walking by.

“Here? Now?” She asked.

“Pretty pretty pretty please! PLEASE!” I begged.

“I don’t know. I’m not very good. What about if what I summon attacks someone? It was something I summoned that attacked me. I can’t risk it hurting someone else.”

“Life is for risks Jessie and I can easily take it down if something gets out of hand,” I informed her. “how about this; you summon something, ANYTHING, and I accompany you to Chorrol.”

Jessie thought about it. She looked around a bit more, then smiled at me.

“Okay.”

YES! This’ll be fun!

Jessie had a look of deep concentration on her face. She raised her right arm and an intense purple glow engulfed her hand. A small portal appeared in front of her and out popped a living skeleton.

Okay. Wow.

I stood in awe of what Jessie had just done. I was the least to say, impressed.

“That is incredible Jessie, seriously. You should be so proud of yourself!”

I was genuinely happy for her. It was amazing.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me. Not a lot of people think I’m very good at what I do.”

“Don’t let what people say bother you, Jess; can I call you Jess?”

“Yeah, sure!” Jessie smiled.

“Look at me! I’m a redguard archress. That’s not very common.”

“I guess! I’m a bit of an archer myself on the side. I don’t suppose you could give me some pointers?”

I smiled at her and held her shoulders.

“How about when we get to Chorrol? Is that okay?”

Jessie’s face lit up.

“Really? You’ll come? Thanks!” Her happiness was obvious, and a bit overwhelming.

“Well, I have to speak to my aunt first but how about I meet you in the inn next door in, let’s say, an hour?”

“Yeah, sure!” I was slightly confused about why Jessie was so exited about me accompanying her to Chorrol.

I must just have that effect on people.

“So what do you have to do in Chorrol?” Jessie asked me. For some reason I didn’t feel reluction to tell a complete stranger my private plans.

“I have to go to Weynon priory and deliver… something to a guy called Jeffrey.”

“OH! I know Jauffre-”

Oh, it IS Jauffre. Now I feel stupid.

“He’s friends with my dad. I know how to sweet talk him!” she said, proudly.

“Do you live in Chorrol, then?”

“No, I live in Bravil, but I used to visit Chorrol a lot since the guild there specializes in conjuration. My dad works there.”

I wasn’t in the mood for an info dump from Jessie right now, so I changed the subject. There would be plenty of time to talk on the way to Chorrol.

“So is there anything about conjuration you can teach me?”

“Are you any good with magic?”

“Basic spells, really. It’s enough to get me by.”

Jessie looked deep in thought. She did that a lot.

“Well, I can’t teach you anything personally, but I’m sure my dad can teach you something basic.”

Major awesomeness right there!

“Well then, it’s a deal. I take you to Chorrol and teach you a bit about archery and YOU get your dad to teach me something in conjuration. Deal?”

“Deal!” replied Jessie.

I’m not sure what it was but there was something about Jessie that I trusted. She was totally insecure and hardly self sufficient, the opposite of me; but despite all this I just knew, there and then, that we were going to be great friends. Even though her hair looked like she’d just been attacked by a bush. But I was willing to let that slide… for now.

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 28 2011, 09:02 PM

LOL I love Lissa's personality in this chapter!

This was so very light and fun. Quite delightful!

You are doing a nice job of slowly building a rough start betwee Lissa and Jesse into what seems may become a fine friendship.

Heh, a little early to tell which direction the sparks between impetuous free-spirited Lissa and task-focused Rihanae will settle.

Lissa has some delightful observations, and you strike a nice balance with her youthfulness, replete with some expected selfishness and loads of enthusiasm - all wrapped up in a fashion conscious package. What's not to love here?


Nits:

'She could clearly the how angry I looked as her expression turned stern.'
I would change the word 'the' to 'see'.

'It wasn’t that Maelona didn’t let me know about it, it was more that fact that I wasn’t there on her big day.'
I would change 'that fact' to 'the fact'. Not only is it correct, but it will drop the use of 'that' from three to two times in this sentence.

'To the right had side of the shop there was a small arch;'
I would change 'had' to 'hand'.

“You could of at least waiting until I’d stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much,”
Three small problems. Change 'could of' to either 'could've' or 'could have'. Change 'waiting' to 'waited'. Change the comma at the end to a question mark. I would recommend this for a final product: "You could've at least waited until I'd stopped talking to Rohssan. Rude much?"

'I didn’t feel reluction to tell a complete stranger my private plans.'
Change 'reluction' to 'reluctant'.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Mar 29 2011, 12:35 AM

You need to get to Jauffre NOW!”
Yep, this is how the game acts. Drop everything and do the main quest. As if the world was going to end or something if you don't! I just ignore it...

Destiny shmestiny.
Now that is the spirit! You gave me such a grin with this!

“Can you… show me something?”
Hubba, hubba! I have been waiting for the girls to start showing one another something, for a while now!

Okay, so it was only magic, but I am still hoping. The entire scene between Lissa and Jess was just adorable. Oh to be that young and carefree again!


nits:
“You’ll have to excuse Jessie, by the way,” Rohssan said. “she could talk for Cyrodiil!”
Since you ended the passage before it with a period, She should be capitalized. Or leave it lowercase, and end Rohssan said with a comma instead of a period.


“Um… I need to go outside for a bit of fresh air. I feel really stuffy. Is that okay?” I asked Rohssan.
“Of course, but please come back. We have more to talk about!” She replied with a smile on her face.
The forum ate the space between these two paragraphs.


“Well, I’m trying to get into the Arcane University and I need to get my recommendation from
Chorrol.”
It also threw in a line break right before Chorrol.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Mar 29 2011, 01:10 AM

I gotta agree with KC, Lissa's personality stole the show in this chapter !!! Great Write !!!

Hey guys! Sorry it has taken so long for me to write this part, i had to do alot of planning for it. Anyway, i hope it is worth the wait!

SubRosa: haha, sorry to dissapoint with what Lissa wants Jessie to show her Thank you for the nits (This applies to everyone).

Acadian: I'm glad that you enjoyed the developing friendship between Lissa and Jessie, I can't wait to see what develop's between them.

mALX and King Coin: I hope that Lissa's personality isn't too overshadowing in this chapter, but to be honest, she can't help who she is haha

PREVIOUSLY: Whilst conversing with Rohssan, Rihanae demands Lissa continues with her quest. She leaves the shop to speak to him, but is found by Jessie. Jessie tells Lissa about her skills in Conjuration, showing her in the process and Lissa, impressed, decides to accompany Jessie to Chorrol so Jessie can get her reccomendation, as long as she can get her dad to teach Lissa a spell or two...

Chapter 3 ~ The Imperial City ~ Part 3

“AH! You’re back!” Said Rohssan as I walked through the shop door, back into her presence.

“Yeah, sorry I took so long. I saw Jessie and-“

“Say no more, that explains it. Like I said; she can talk for Cyrodiil!” Rohssan joked.

“I can’t stay long, Auntie Rohssan. I told Jessie I’d go with her to Chorrol. Poor chick was desperate for company!”

A little white lie. Rohssan’ll never find out about mine and Jessie’s deal. I do do things out of the kindness of my heart though...

Rohssan’s face suddenly turned disappointed.

“Oh, that’s okay. There was a lot I needed to talk to you about, but it can wait.”

She beckoned me over to sit with her, so I did. I sat next to her on the wooden bench, a grin spread across her face.

“I have something for you,” she said with such glee, “Wait here.”

Rohssan rose from her seat and headed toward the basement door at the far end of the shop, opened it and dissapeared.

I wonder what she has for me! Oooh…

I got up from my seat and walked over to the counter. I hoisted myself up onto it, sitting with my legs dangling off the side.

“Lissa, please get of the counter.” Rihanae nagged.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it won’t look good on Rohssan if a customer walks in and the first thing they see will be you sitting on the counter like a child!”

“So?” I replied. I enjoyed winding him up.

“Lissa, Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please get off the counter!”

He was getting agitated now. I would have gotten off eventually, I just wanted to see how far I could push him. For a dead guy he was rather bossy.

“NO! You’re not the boss of me!

“Get off!”

“NO.”

“Lissa, get off the counter please.”

I turned to see Rohssan, back from the basement. Without hesitation I gently hopped
off the counter. I noticed something in Rohssan’s hand. A large warhammer.

Cool hammer.

“Cool hammer, Auntie Rohssan.” I said enthusiastically. It was pretty awesome.

“I’m glad you like it Lissa. It’s your fathers.”

My-

“My… fathers?”

“Yes. Please come and sit down. I’ll explain.”

We walked back over to the bench and sat down. She began to explain about the hammer.

“About a year after your dad died, Oleta came into the shop, dragging this hammer with her. She wanted me to sell it.”

“Even though it was dads?”

“She said she wanted to lose a painful memory.”

My eyes began to water.

Why would she try to sell something so precious? How could she?

“Anyway, I gave her my word that I would do what I could. But I decided to wait.”

“Wait for me?” I asked.

“Yes. I thought it would be better off with a Cristenn than a stranger.”

“You’re letting me have it?”

“Yes,” Rohssan smiled, “I am, it should belong to you.”

I reached for the hammer, but before I could touch it Rohssan pulled it away from my grasp.

Um, okay.

“First of all, I need to give you this.” Rohssan said, pulling a bronze ring off her finger, handing it to me. “This ring I hand enchanted with strength. Without it this hammer would be near impossible to wield. For you, especially.”

Thanks, Rohssan. Great pep talk.

I put the ring on my index finger. I felt a little bit different, but not a whole lot.

Time to test it!

I stood up from my seat and grabbed the hammer, which Rohssan and placed on the table before She took the ring off. It would have been quite funny if she took the ring off before dropping the hammer.

Ha-ha.

To my surprise the hammer felt as light as a feather.

Holy moly this ring is amazing!

“Do you like it?” Rohssan asked.

I looked thoughtfully at the hammer, noticing a small inscription on the mighty weapon.

Shatterheart. Cool name.

I raised my head to make eye contact with Rohssan.

“Yeah, I love it!”

*

“Promise me you will visit me soon, okay?” said Rohssan. We were stood outside her shop.

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Good. Now give your old auntie a hug!” she said, her arms outstretched.

I grabbed her for a hug, her armour hardened the blow. We stayed embraced for a little while before we let go of each other. Rohssan gave me a thoughtful nod and headed back inside her shop.

I wondered about what I was going to do now. I had to meet Jessie at some point but first, there was something else I needed to do.

*

I stood inside ‘Red Diamond Jewellery’, a shop just opposite Rohssan’s. I was greeted by a Nord; a rather loud Nord.

“WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?” he said. Actually, he belted it.

“Um, I was wondering how long it took you to fashion a piece of jewellery out of-” I pulled out my guardian stone, “This?”

“Lissa, what are you doing?!” Rihanae asked. I ignored him.

“WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE.” He informed me.

I thought for a little while.

I know…

*

“Oh my gosh, Jessie I have so much I need to tell you!”

I saw Jessie sat at the bar as I entered the ‘Merchant’s Inn’, so I ran up to her to show off everything I had gotten.

“First of all, how do you like this?!” I said, showing her my strength ring.

“Wow! that is pretty cool!” She said, exited.

“And… THIS!” I said, showing her Shatterheart.

“AMAZING! It’s so beautiful, Lissa!”

“And… this!” I said, showing her the silver bracelet I had made from my Guardian Stone, and the stone worked just as well even with it’s new look. “I had it made from my sapphire. The guy at the shop cut the sapphire into little bits and forged the pieces onto this bracelet. Pretty, no?”

“No.” Rihanae interrupted. I ignored him, again.

“That is amazing Lissa, I love it!” Jessie exclaimed. A bit over the top, but I appreciated her enthusiasm.

I turned my tone serious. Well, more serious than it was, anyway

“Now, have you done everything you needed to do here?

“Yeah, I have.” Jessie replied.

“Then shall we head to Chorrol?” I asked.

“We shall!”

*

We took a gentle stroll through the city as we headed towards the main exit at the Talos Plaza District. The city was absolutely gorgeous. The architecture was exquisite… and it was so CLEAN!

“How long till we get to Chorrol?” I asked Jessie.

She thought before she answered.

“Maybe about half a day?” she replied.

“This’ll be fun Jessie. A journey with just us girls! It’ll be-“

Before I had a chance to finish I was grabbed from behind. I spun around to see an old Breton man staring at me with terror in his eyes.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“You! It’s you” you’re the person who saves the world! You must go now. Go go go go… now. Go. You have to.”

“Okay, you’re crazy.” I informed him.

“The fire surrounding you, it burn’s so bright. THE DRANGON FIRES! Help them, they must cleanse the city of Dagon…” He continued.

“Are you okay, sir?” Jessie asked him.

The crazy guy turned to Jessie and looked her up and down before speaking to her.

“You’re going to do a good thing. The loss of one life to save many. A valuable asset to the party…”

Jessie had a strange look on her face. She looked scared. I walked up toe the old guy and gently shoved him.

“Don’t you DARE talk to her like that! You could really scare someone, you know?!”

His eyes gradually began to change to hatred, anger, rage. His expression began to boil and before I could even scream for help I was on the floor, the man on top of me tightening his grip around my throat. Jessie tried to help but the crazy guy used some sort of paralysis spell on her.

“Ge-get o-o-off. Get OFF!” I croaked. I could feel my life slowly slipping away. Even with my ring of strength

I was no match for him. I could barely hear Rihanae’s cries of desperation.

I'm gonna die...

The guards seemed to just ignore what was happening. Whoever this guy was, he has some immense power. It’s like he hypnotised the guards into ignoring the attack.

Just as everything was turning black, my life slipping away beneath the crazy guy’s fingers, I heard the release of a drawn bowstring followed by an arrow shooting inside the crazy guys head. The guy released his grip and fell on top of me. I pushed him off and staggered to my feet. Jessie stood, mobile, with her bow in her hand. The look of shock and horror was on her face. She saved my life, yet ruined her own. She killed someone. And she knew it.

The first is always the worst…

I gently walked over to her and put my arm around her.

“Come on. Let’s get to Chorrol.” I said gently to her.

We began to walk away from the scene with the guards still in a mystical trance and the crazy guy led on the floor, blood oozing from the arrow wound in his head. Jessie turned to me, tears in her eyes and shock in her face.

“What was he talking about, Lissa?” she asked.

I turned my head away from her.

…I don’t know, Jessie. I don’t know.

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Apr 12 2011, 02:37 PM