Actually, that immaturity in the RP is only temporary. It'll wear off, the events in the end of this story, and the ones that took place in my earlier Niran fanfic entitled "Niran", caused him to go basically psycho.

Yeah, I got what you meant.

Wow awesome job gamer. Seems I have been out to long had alot of reading to do. Keep up the good work.

15 Years - Chapter 6

Niran tore throught the forest, running as fast as he could towards the source of her voice.

He nearly ran into her, she was down on the ground examining a hive scrib.

"Faili?" Niran said, puzzled "You okay?"

Faili spun around at the sound of Niran's voice, and she blushed.

He had come for her . . .to make sure she was safe.

"Yes, I'm allright-" She turned back around "Do you know what these are called, he doesn't seem at all harmful."

Niran kneeled beside her, "It's a scrib, just don't attack it or you'll find out what it can do. It's bite can paralyze you, so I would back away from it now."

Faili stood up slowly, as did Niran.

"Well, I suppose we should be getting home now." Niran aid, taking a step forward.

Suddenly the scrib moved backwards, to avoid his leg.

Niran spotted it and jumped back, trying to avoid it's bite. It instead lunged for whoever was closer. In this case that was Faili. Niran watched as she was paralyzed to the spot, he drew his sword and jumped towards the creature, carefully dodging it's bite.

He thrusted down at it, catching it in the middle and picking it up with his sword.

He used his boot to kick it off, and let it fall to the ground, sheathing his sword he turned towards Faili.

The creature had managed to bite her three times before Niran could draw his weapon and kill it.

She wasn't going to be moving for a while now.

Well, theres only one way we can continue, Niran walked forward and picked her up.

Turning around he headed out of the forest, as fast as he could manage.

When they reached the edge of the forest, Niran knew for sure the paralysis had worn off, however being unable to move must have bored her terribly, she had apparently fallen asleep.

Niran walked through the first row of houses, getting some strange glances, what was he doing running from the forest with a girl in his arms, he wasn't exactly unknown in his home town, being a member of the wealthiest family of Skingrad.

He followed the road home, and as he came into the house he saw his mother, sitting at the table in the dining area.

"Where have you been?" she asked sternly, before realizing that he was carrying Faili.

"Oh my, what has happened?" she asked, worried.

"Nothing serious mother, she was bitten by a scrip, but the poison seems to have worn off. I take it that she's just asleep now." Niran said, before starting up the staircase, he had been carrying her for at least six hours now.

He came to his room and put her down on the bed, before exiting. He would have to inform her father immediately.

This post has been edited by gamer10: Jul 25 2005, 05:33 AM

Good update, I like how you progress so quickly from one point to another in your story. You give Niran a feeling of mortality as well as maintaining your original writing style which is a huge plus. Niran has more feeling but basically the same personality as in the RP, good stuff.

Here's a good picture of Faili.
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b80/gamer10/Faili.png

This post has been edited by gamer10: Jul 25 2005, 05:36 AM

Thats a nice pic gamer.
I just read more of the RP it really feels like the same guy but different, he's more friendly and sociable in the story though, But in the RP when you tell people they are in hell...priceless.

This post has been edited by Kiln: Jul 25 2005, 06:01 AM

15 Years - Chapter 7

Niran stood outside, looking at the ground, Faili's father was talking to her, asking her all of what had happened in the forest.

Suddenly the door opened and he came out, turning swiftly to face Niran, Faili following. "The forest eh, why would you want to go there?" he asked accusingly, raising an eyebrow.

Niran was shocked, what reasons did he need. He enjoyed exploring there. Faili's father sounded as if he was interrogating Niran , "Well I go there every day that I can sir, I just well - explore."

The man narrowed his eyes, doubt obvious on his face.

"Right, I'm sure." he walked away, Faili followed giving a nervous glance at Niran as she passed.

What did you say? he thought angrily, she had probably made it sound horrible. She couldn't sleep outside for one night?

The man turned his head to the side as he walked farther away, staring at Niran out of the corner of his eye. "You'll not be going near my daughter again, I'm sure there are others who will think of her safety before their own, I don't know what the hell you were thinking." He said, raising his voice to a loud enough level to make Niran wince. Then he spun around again, walking briskly away from Niran.

Faili stood for a few seconds looking desperately at Niran. He returned the look with an puzzled look, that eventually faded into a glare.

She looked away quickly and hurried after her father. Shrugging, Niran headed back into his house. Not to his surprise, his sister was waiting for him.

Oh, great.

She smirked haughtily, "I was right!" she said "You were going to see a girl, what was her name?"

Niran rolled his eyes, annoyed with her. "I wasn't going to see her, she was pushed onto me by that lousy dunmer bastarde," he snapped.

Niran's sister raised an eyebrow, before turning around and marching off, to where Niran didn't really care.

He climbed up to his room, and lay in his bed.

What did she say? she must've made me sound horrible.

After you carried her all that way home, she'd still be out in the forest if it weren't for you.

Niran stared up at the ceiling, he had missed his schooling this morning because he was busy bringing her home, he'd be in trouble tomorrow.

He sighed and turned over on his side, trying to fall asleep. However his dreams weren't refuge, they were absolute nightmares.

He woke up, and looked around, it was totally dark. Had he slept that long? What had awoken him?

The moonlight barely lit up the room enough for him to see anything.

He stood up and walked forward, trying to make his way to the door. He needed to go for a walk, sleeping hadn't done him any good.

As he reached out his hand to turn the handle on his door, he heard someone breathing on the other side. Somone was in his house.

A thief!

He stepped back and picked his sword up from the ground, where he had dropped it when he came into the room.

The handle on the door turned, and he waited, prepared for whoever it was.

This post has been edited by gamer10: Jul 25 2005, 09:49 PM

Cool.

Niran is going to be killed. by a theif. in the night.

Or so we think *eyes dart around*

Obviously not,

Oh, and by the way, YAY FOR MARS VOLTA!



This post has been edited by gamer10: Jul 25 2005, 09:24 PM

Very good that you updated it!

A few CC (if you do not mind):

1) However, this update felt (please do not get mad at me) a little short on the details and emotional side. I want to know more, feel more of the characters' attitudes, not just Niran's. For example, the father of Faili could be described with more emotion and detail. Like, did he shout angrily those words? Did he look angry? Or did he said it coldly/sharply? With maybe a threatening look? Also, more details on the actions, too. Not just, 'he turned'. How about, 'the man turned around to face Niran, his eyes narrowing.' Something like that?

2) Finally, please put some periods here and there. There are quite a bit of commas that should have been periods, instead.

That's all. Nice cliffhanger you got there. Keep up the good work!

A fellow fan of the almighty band named The Mars Volta??

why, that's just splendid!

Yes master Yoda.

Nice, a little vague on details but still good.

To add to mergirl's post...

there are a lot of periods that you put down that should be question marks.

I'll go find an example (or twelve) you do it all the time.

"What are you looking for, how in the world would you find something in a forest this big."

needs a nice thing we call a question mark (not a period)

How did she get over there, she must've moved when I was sleeping.

same. Should be. "How did she get there? She must've moved when I was sleeping."

This post has been edited by Dantrag: Jul 25 2005, 09:42 PM

Guess what, I think my next chapter will have 400 sentences that require question marks. Instead, I'll make them all periods.

If you really want to annoy people then you should write it with caps lock on and replace all punctuation with exclamation marks...I've seen it done...very annoying.

15 Years - Chapter 8

Niran's breathing was soft, yet it came fast. Who could be opening the door to his bedroom at this time of night?

He held his sword in a thrust ready posistion, ready to kill any threatening being that might enter through his door.

The door handle finished turning, and the door began to open. Niran backed away sneakily lest he be hit by the opening door. That would ruin the surprise waiting for the intruder.

"Niran, are you awake?" A worried voice asked, "I can hear you moving about."

Niran froze as the person spoke, it was no intruder. That was his mother.

He quickly leaned his sword on the wall and stood straight up. His stature changing to one of a more civil person.

"Yes mother, I'm awake." He said pulling the door open the rest of the way and then lowering his arm again.

"Niran, you slept all day. I was just wondering whether you were hungry." She said, walking into his room. Her eyes shone with worry, but he couldn't see them in this darkness.

"No mother, I don't think I can eat right now." Niran looked down remorsefully, knowing the cook must've prepared something already. Even though it was very late.

"Please send the cook my apologies," Niran looked up, hoping he didn't look as tired as he was.

"I'm going for a walk, I have a lot to think about right now."

His mother ruffled his hair and smiled "All right then, just don't get yourself lost in a forest."

When outside Niran stretched his arms, and walked on the side of the road. He came to an alleyway and made his way down it, he had come here often. Mainly at night, it was quiet and no one bothered him here.

He leaned against the wall, looking out on the street.

The moonlight didn't reach where he was, however it did light up the street and he watched as a shadow fell on the ground. Moving closer and closer to the alleyway. It looked as if whoever it was, did not plan on coming into it.

Niran stood still in the shadows as the person passed.

Wait a minute, was that Faili? What was she doing out this late?

Niran spoke up before he could stop himself, even though he wasn't sure whether it was actually her or not.

"Faili?" he called out, hoping it was her.

The person gasped, and turned to face the alley. Niran could now see her face clearer, and saw that she was staring wide eyed down the alley at him. Recognizing his voice she took a nervous step forward.

He walkd forward, placing an arm on her shoulder. "Faili, what are you doing?"

Her eyes were still wide, not in fright anymore. Just in surprise.

"Niran - well I was just going for a walk." she pasued and swallowed, "What were you doing - down there." She asked, her eyes straying to the dark alley.

"Thinking, that's all." Niran said putting his arms around her, and running his right hand through her hair.

"You okay? I'm afraid I might've given you a bit of a shock."

She fidgeted nervously, before putting her arms around his neck.

"I'm fine." she said softly, pulling herself as close to him as she possibly could "Niran . . .are you angry with me?"

Niran raised an eyebrow.

"Of course not" he told her, trying to keep from getting too emotional. "I shouldn't have taken you into the forest, you obviously don't enjoy such trips."

Faili pulled away, "That wasn't what I was talking about, I- I slapped you. . . .I'm sorry."

Niran grabbed hold of her arms.

"Faili, don't apologize! I was acting like a jerk!"

Faili turned away, and started to cry. Leaning against the wall, she continued sobbing with her hands covering her face.

Niran reached out a his arm, and pulled one of her hands from her face.

"Don't cry." He pleaded softly "Come on Faili, don't cry. I'm sorry for yelling, okay? Please, don't cry. . . "

Suddenly Faili pushed him away. "Get away from me. . ."

However, Niran didn't budge from the spot.

She pushed him again, still crying.

"Get away from me!" Her voice was shrill and loud now, as she pushed him even farther.

"Faili," Niran said grabbing hold of her hands "Stop, you'll wake everyone."

Faili wrenched her hands from his grip.

"Just-go away."

This is an...erm....interesting relationship.

So many mood swings.

Niran will be Niran.

I think she's got multiple personalities.hehe
I want to see where this is going, please update soon.