Hmmm? then we´re two of a kind Tel! And it´s true, writing it off your mind is really very relieving....

I would also say music is very theraputic, at least for myself. For some reason, some music just connects to me and I can just release all the emotions I have within myself. It's really a great way to get out your frustrations and problems.

It was around your age too that I began to find my identity somewhat in music as well. Just listening to some of the lyrics of certain songs and you can experience a connection with the songwriter. Kinda like "Yea, I know what you mean there.."

Music has helped me so much, it's definately helped with my bitterness. Hopefully it could help you as well.

I'm really glad you've let this forum know about this though, it's the first step to helping yourself out.

That's true ... it is the positive step of talking about it with us, your online friends. And yes, music is very powerful. It can be soothing, it can help you vent, certain songs just speak to you in such a close way that it's almost like it was written for you.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, Wurlon, k?

Another thing is..you can simply not let it effect you and be happier.

Half of depression is self talk. When you start thinking you are all depressed your mind likes to focus on that, being the human mind likes to pinpoint problems and focus on them. Dont let yourself be drawn into that. Tell yourself "Im gonna have a good day, and no ones gonna stop me!" And go call friends, if you "dont" have friends go make some. And dont let anything stop you.

Im going through the same thing you are, probably not the same degree currently. But if I let myself Id be some dark unhappy person. It hit hard a year ago.
What it feels like is that there is a weight tied to my emotions. Basically my mind doesnt feel free. But dont let things like that pull you down.

There is ONE person who is helping a ton right now, I can be completely darkened one minute and be smiling the next. Find someone like that. Just a good friend, who you can trust. Because it is incredibly hard to pull through alone, maybe impossible. I tried coming through alone and all I had was an emotional crash, not anything fun.

Another thing, never let others judge you. I see it all the time at the schools. Be who you are, if you wanna be one of those guys who is with all the girls at school then you can sure as heck become that way. If you want to be one of those guys who likes playing video games and has friends come over and you guys sit there playing games all night, then be that kind of person.
My worst mistake was letting people judge me. And now that I am who I want to be, Im doing better.
Dont let stress kill you either, get all the chores, the homework, and all the stuff you need out of the way, out of the way, and then relax. Its a lot easier to live that way.

Ive been through what you've been through. Even though I may be younger, I was one of the first to mature at my school. Which means Im one of the first to hit stuff like this. There is most likely no way to get it completely away, but there are ways to deal with it.

this is a long response, caution. well, i don't post on here that often. come to think of it, i've never even really had a conversation with anyone here. however, i concur that it is a supportive, friendly environment. as yet another "i've been there before" statement, throughout my formitive years, i suffered from severe clinical depression, and still do. actually it's even worse now, but that's because of my other mental imbalances. the only way i got through it was by accepting the truth that life is difficult at best. from 7th grade until my junior year of high school, i was in a strangely similar situation to what you have described. after a while, i just decided not to give a crap about anyone else or what they thought. This may have been easier for me than other people, but i'll get to that in a minute.

something that helped me more than anything else was to realize that no matter what, it could always be worse. that may not make sense at first. but think on it a little. if it could be worse, that means that your life is better than you might have thought. imagine for a moment not having any family, not ever even seeing other people, not having any sort of support structure at all. hopefully, you'll see as i have that this sort of thought process can help you realise that there are many good things about your life.

another way to look at it is this. if you take value in every moment of your life, you may start to see things differently. even when things are bad, you can take a step outside yourself for a moment and realise "this is my sadness. only i will ever know what it's like to be me in this moment. this experience is mine". thinking in this fashion repeatedly will hopefully make it easier to accept that your life is valuable simply because it is "your life", and no one else will have that. other people's lives may seem better, or easier. in truth, 99% of people wear masks every day to hide what's really going on inside. the guy at your school that may seem to be always happy, has lots of friends, has an attractive partner, and all that, is actually wrestling with his own inner demons just as you are. the only difference is that he alienates himself from the way he feels, and ultimately, will most likely have a much more difficult time accepting negative things that life throws at him. you're in touch with the way you feel. that's a reason to smile, if even for a moment. just think, you actually accept the way you feel instead of trying to hide it.

your feelings of rage and anger, while possibly linked to a mental illness, are most likely a result of the chemical changes going on inside your body as a whole. most young men at about your age have a greater degree of hostility. the teenage years are a time of emotional turmoil. while you're young, the process of maturing can result in tremendously strong emotional responses to even the simplest of stimuli. as you continue to age (and by all means, do continue to age, it really is worth it), you will find yourself experiancing emotions in a dulled fashion. unfortunately, as you get older, you tend to feel things in sort of a numb way. and believe it or not, you may one day wish you could feel things as strongly as you do now. i wish i could still feel those wonderful highs and lows of emotion.

after a while, which may seem to take forever, the turmoil inside your body and mind will pass, and you'll not have to deal with many of the problems that you are now. there will be new problems, yes, but your experiances in your young life will help you deal with these as they occur. obviously, not all of the things that are happening in your head are results of chemical changes and all that rot. many of them are caused by your environment and the instances of unkindness that you've gone through. if you do decide on life (which is best, really), you'll most likely find that as your peers age, even a few years, many things will change in the way they act. every year you'll find people becoming less "clique-esh" and exclusive, more accepting and open. as my highschool years drug on, strange things happened. as freshmen, there were emnities and hatred left over from middle school. over the course of the four years that followed, everyone just sort of let that all go. of course people stuck with their group of friends, but there was no reason that a "jock" woulnd't hang out with "the emo kids" or vise versa. ever wonder why graduating classes all seem to get along? it's because the layers of ingrained hatred and intollerance have worn away.

possibly the best thing you could do is to consciously decide to think differently. this is different for everyone and is difficult, to put it lightly. i'm not saying become one of those "half full" people overnight, but take baby steps with it. gradually change your outlook. a few years ago, i didn't have a positive thing to say to anyone, now i'm the guy that points out that it's not all that bad. it's about "mind power". taking control of your own mind and thought process is very helpful. so try not to let your mind run your life for you. when things start spiralling downhill when you're lying in bed, don't just stay in bed and let it take control. get up, get your blood pumping by walking around your room, maybe fix yourself a snack to eat, or turn on the tv or computer, or maybe the best option, pick up a good book to lose yourself in it. the sort of thoughts that keep you from sleep is one of the worst parts about depression, and also one of the most common. i can't think of a single person that hasn't experienced that phenomina in their lifetime.

by all means ask your parents if they'll set up an appointment with a psychologist (not psychiatrist, that comes later). a psychologist is basically a professional counciler. it's someone that is legally bound to keep your secrets, so you know you can trust them. make sure to have him/her describe the exact nature of doctor-patient confidentiality to you at your first visit. after hearing that (yeah, actually hearing it helps, believe it or not), there's no reason to hide things from the doctor. the worst thing you can do is lie to your doctor(s). they are only there to help you, and if you don't tell them what's going on, they can't do that. after several appointments with a psychologist, you may be referred to a psychiatrist, which is similar but not the same thing. the main difference being that a psychiatrist can diagnose you with specific illnesses and perscribe the neccesary medications.

now for my "it could be worse scenario". this isn't me complaining about my life or anything like that. just giving an example of something worse to hopefully make you feel better about your situation.

i'm 22, failed out of college in the second semester because of a drug problem. a few years later, after drifting from one dead-end job to the next, my fiancee left me and moved out, the guy who was living with us moved out, and i ended up having to leave town and move back in with the parents. not only have i been diagnosed with clinical depression, which i haven't found a working medication for yet, i suffer from severe paranoid schitzophrenia. basically what that means is i'm what everyone thinks of when someone says "crazy". i halucinate almost constantly, always watch what i think because i know everyone can read my thoughts, hardly ever leave the house because "they" might be out there, experience constant twitches and muscle spasms, can never fully relax, i have voices and urges inside my mind that make me do things i don't want to, i'm a danger to myself and others, so i can't be trusted to be employed. i fight the uncontrollable urge every day to not kill my family and their pets, and have odd bio-chemical reactions to improper stimuli, such as when i become injured, i feel a "body buzz" that lasts for a minute or two. when i think about hurting people or animals, the same thing happens. i have to take 800mg of tranquilizers every day along with anti-depressants to help with this. and it doesn't help that much.

however, that does make it easy not to give a crap about what other people think. (see, thinking positive, looking on the bright side, it helps)

i'll stop this absurdly long response with something i wrote on another forum on a different issue. it still applies though, mostly.

"in closing, if you give up, nothing will come your way. if you fixate on only one person forever, most likely you'll be forever alone. don't let your love for one person blind you to the potential futures that may lie in store. i don't believe in fate, destiny, or a higher power, but i have learned a few things in my pointless and ultimately forgotten life. always keep your options open, and don't plan on things going according to plan. you never know what might be in store for you over the next passing of the sun over the dry earth. be true to yourself, and never let yourself get into something you can't get out of. if you're not happy right now, doing something about it is the only thing that will make your situation change. don't waste your limited time living on pointless sorrow, live for the moment, and treasure each one. no matter what the circumstances, we all only have so long. i'll probably die young from lung cancer or some other vice induced illness, but i'll die knowing i lived my life to it's fullest, in every precious moment. and i'll welcome the void of oblivion with a smile and a laugh.

know that, in my own fashion, i care for each and every one of you. maybe you can learn from my example as my brother has, and lead a better life than i. and know that until your last fleeting breath, that there is always a new dawn to come, and another chance to attain your own vision of paradise and lasting fulfillment."

The problem is I don't want to talk to people and I can't. I've already taken medication for depression for an entire year and it only seemed to make it worse so I had to stop.

Ooooooooooh. Yeah man, that totally sucks. It's said when adolescants stop taking depression medication they get suicidal thoughts, but no one ever listens. Yeah, that's a rought time, best thing you can do is find someone you can talk to. It'll pass, but of course now you have teenage crisis compacted with drug withdrawel, which doesn't make it any easier. I know the feeling.

Anti-depressants typically make adolescent depression worse.

You're better off with finding someone to talk to. As hard as it may be, you have to do it.

If you find it too difficult to tell how you're feeling to those around you, why don't you write them out? That way you could just hand someone you want to know a piece of paper or something and that way you won't get all muddled up trying to explain or get out what you want to say. You'll have exactly what you want to get out on the page.

Heck, maybe just writing out your frustrations and feelings might help. Maybe just seeing the words on the paper could help.

I do suggest that someone around you should know how serious you are about the way you're feeling. Writing it down might be the best way to show them.

Hang in there!

Actually, mallet, you just reminded me. I have like a gigabite of frustrated writing on my computer. Whenever I got pissed off I just started writing until I calmed down, sometimes it'd take me hours.

Maybe the reason you don't want to talk to people is because those you've tried to exlpain your emotions and feelings to have not been able to truly or really understand what you meant as you conveyed your thoughts and problems. Forgive me if I've just stated the obvious, which I fear I have.

Some time from now when you look back on that day, you'll figure that you're happy you didn't take your own life. There are years ahead of you now, since you're fourteen, and think of all that will fill those years to come. Its what I do.

There are bad days and good days, sometimes even bad years and good years. They all pass, and in the end, you'll find that life is well . . .tolerable, even wonderful. When I feel down I don't try to get my mind off what it is that gets me down, but I think about it, and I realize that it seems so strange to be worried over such a thing. I'm picked on often at school, but it doesn't get to me because I don't let it. I shrug it off, and go on staring straight ahead at the blackboard as some jock jeers mockingly at me in front of the rest of the class. You know why I can shrug it off, becuase I'm imagining that jock in a clown suit standing in a corner and juggling. People wonder how I tolerate it, I wonder why they wonder. I quite frankly don't care what other people say about me, they can laugh, giggle, eat their own damn waste for all I care. ThePerson98 is right about what he said. As for me, I'm one of those guys who lets others take the girls, I prefer my education. If people at school treat you poorly, you should literally go up to one of them, and ask them out loud in front of a classroom full of people why they treat you like they do. Ask them calmly and firmly. This is just a suggestion. I ask people who treat me as if I'm weird "Why can't you just act normal, leave me alone?"

In the end it all comes down to you. Cheer up, there are better times to come, no doubt. You're not insane, if anything just a little lost. You'll find yourself.

This post has been edited by gamer10: Jun 28 2006, 07:01 AM

People dont like it when you complain..Going around finding people to complain to randomly does nothing. No one ever said this would be the easiest thing to pull through. Pull a bit of hapiness out and watch people react a ton different.

Hmmmm......but you do talk to us don´t you? That´s good, just continue talking to us here at chorrol. we care for you I can assure you I do anyway!

Minque, that was exactly what I wanted to say a couple days ago, but I then thought "hey, he may choose not to believe ANYONE" and that is the truth, really. Really, Wurlon could talk to us about problema and ask for advice whenever someone here has a constructive solution for it, but that's just all, I'm affraid. Wurlon, I can only tell you what I know - and that is the fact that drugs, no matter how effective or even neccessary they might seem to be sometimes, fail the organism in the end and weaken it. When person uses a tranquiliser in large ammounts to amortise shocks of life and emotional pain on daily basis, soon it becomes addiction... and when the pills run out, the tide of bad emotions just hits you with doubled strenght

I have just learned several days ago that me & my family have been using VALIUM for years, on occasions, to supress sorrow and momentary bursts of depression or rage. Sure, it is called Diasepam here, but it is Valium. So, now I have to ponder about how I should cope with life in better ways than this, and just roll with the punches when they come - WITHOUT the damn tranquiliser. You see, if one doesen't feel pain one can't learn from it - this might sound idiotic at this point, but it is true. One eventually has to stop running from its demons and turn arrond to face and fight them. I would repeat my previous post - find comfort in your family, because they must have (at least some) love for you, no matter what you think about them. Find a good friend that will be your emotional suport. And yes, come here often and just talk, if you feel like it. People will listen.

p.s.: I am sorry about possible typos [godamnit, I will never learn]

This post has been edited by Ze Milanio: Jun 29 2006, 11:14 AM

i would like to point out that certain disorders are almost impossible to overcome without use of medication. adolescant use of psycho-active drugs is almost universally a bad thing, as it usually starts more problems than it fixes (as you've already pointed out from your experience with antidepressants). without my medication i would have to be hospitalized. but that's a different situation entirely. If you can overcome your problems without medication, then that is definately the best route. medication taken without a true need is a crutch, as has been said above.

If your situation either deteriorates or remains the same in a few years, then i would definately suggest trying some sort of medical assisstance. if you do decide to go the route of medication, it's best to do it while your still covered by your parents insurance policy. it'll be a better policy than any you can get right out of high school, almost assuradly (sp?).

anyway, good luck.

Care? Wouldn't that be the last word you would want to use? I know no one here, no one. I only post on this mini forum because I had grown interested in the tes f'ruum library mod, which I have lost track of! Its nice to see people want to help, but I don't think any of you can anymore.

Just remember all these hopeless thoughts you find entering your brain are a result of being medicated and then taken off that medication compacted with the same old coming-of-age hormonal manic depression that I, too, went through not too long ago. These thoughts aren't really you, and what you're perceiving is not really your reality.

So yeah. maybe you feel like you have no one to talk to, know one who knows you, no one who will understand or not pass judgment, and yeah it sucks, I didn't really have anybody to help me out with my depression either so I did a little biut of what you did, talked about it on the internet, wrote about everything I was feeling until my fingers were cramped and I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I started exploring around the county, taking walking tours. Oh yeah, then I started doing a lot of drugs, and that part I don't recommend to you.

Trust Rainer, there are always people who care. Even if it doesn't seem that way.

Rainer would not know what to do if you left...

Or did you turn your cheek to God?

Of course we can sort of help you! If you let us! We can talk to you, support you, and most of all.....listen! You may blurt it out to us, what´s on your mind, just like that! Do it! try us out! You´ll see......

We do care for each other here.....trust me!