my father works at the place were they pump up the trains wheels



my friend is so ugly when he was a baby the doctor tinted his incubater windows
his mother had to tie a piece of meat around his neck for the dogs to play with him.

Jokes, hmm, ok I got one.

This is probably PG-13 so....dont get to sensitive, besides, it's just a joke

An average guy wih an average face and build was in his trunks on the beach, hoping to attract a woman to him. For hours he wandered the sand, but to no avail. The Women simply paid him no attention.

However he did notice a Handsome bodybuilder on the beach that women absolutley adored and crowded around just for the privlege of standing next to him.

So the Average man approached the bodybuilder and begged him to reveal his secret. The bodybuilder being an amiable sort leaned in and whispered to him: "I put a potato in my swimming trunks."

The average man seemed confused but was willingto try anything at this point.

A week later, the average man confronted the bodybuilder and angrily demanded to know what was wrong wih his advice, he yelled and screamed that before at least women just ignored him, but now they avoided him like the plague, often looking at him with disgusted faces.

The bodybuilder looked him over and leaned in again.

"Try putting it in the front."

I have a joke but it's so silly that I will make it a joke and a guessing game, k?

DISNEY'S DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:

1.) _____ says "My husband is an animal."
2.) __________ says "Mine still drives a pumpkin!"
3.) ____ _____ says "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
4.) _____ says "Mine wants me to wear fish net stockings."
5.) ________ ______ says "I just pretend to be asleep."

Now there will be bigtime prizes distributed to the winner of the quiz, the first person to guess all five Disney housewives in the right slot. hahahaha

1.Belle; Beauty and the Beast

2.Cinderella; erm,...Cinderella

3. Snow White,.....snow....white

4.Ariel; The Little Mermaid

5.Princess Aurora, Sleeping Beauty


Not that the cold-hearted assassin Black Hand has ever watched a disney movie mind you!

*Holds back a tear as Bambi's mom gets shot*

You got them all first guess! Mickey will be sending prizes around shortly.

OMG ... the sadness of Bambi, Dumbo and Old Yeller. Nobody makes movies like that anymore.

Old Yeller????? Ohh that was my favourite book when I was....ehrm....young.....it´s awesome!

I really wished I had some less adult jokes I really do, but nothing comes to mind. Except for a "Your Daddy is so Poor" quip, but I don't know if those are acceptable.

Here's one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the
universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"

Here's another one:

Up in heaven, a bunch of scientists are playing tag,
and it's Albert Einstein's turn to be "it". Once he gets done counting,
he turns around and sees Isaac Newton just standing there,
in the middle of a box he's drawn on the ground. So Einstein walks over and tags him,
but Newton doesn't do anything. Einstein says, "Newton, what are you doing? I caught you."
And Newton replies, "No you didn't. I'm Newton over a square meter. You caught Pascal."


The second one's a bit hard to comprehend without some knowledge of physics, but I think you'll manage.

Ok im not very good at telling stories so go easy on me.

A man goes to a drive through bank. And when he got there he sent a note to the banker (via air tube thing) saying that he was robbing the bank. Then the banker sends $50,000 back to the Bank robber. Then the man drove away. The next day the banker was Fired.

Who's dummer?

why did the woman cross the road? thats not the point why is she out of the kitchen

whats the difference between pms and a terrorist? you can negotiate with a terrorist

why dont woman have drivers licenses? theres no road between the kitchen and bedroom

why dont woman where watches? theres a perfectly good clock on the stove

I love the one with Holmes and Watson. Funny!

This is the cleanest joke I can think of off hand. God dammit, I have some killers, too.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went to Ireland? I basically spent the whole time in different pubs because well... I could drink there. So I was at this on bar and this guy comes over with a thick accent and says, "Aye could I sit down with you boys?"

We of course said yes and he almost instantly started talking to us. He was a really interesting guy, full of stories, they were good stories, too. Eventually though he says, "You know why I always pick this table? I built this table with me own hands. Yeah, I did but do they call me Carl the table-builder? No. Do they call me Carl the carpenter? Carl the furniture maker? No. They don't call me that."

I bought us another couple rounds and we kept drinking, I was getting kind fo drunk while he kept talking, and eventually he said, "You guys like this bar? It's a dive but it's a nice looking dive. Yeah, you know what? I built this bar with me bear hands, I did. But do they call me... Carl the bar builder? Eh? Carl the building maker? Carl the carpenter? No!"

We sort of shook it off, but he kept going. "You know that road you boys drove in on? I built that road with me bear hands. I walked 16 miles every day to get the gravel for it from a quarry, back and forth with no help. Yeah! But do they call me Carl the road builder? No! But you **** one sheep!"

Haahaha ... lucky you to get into the pubs of Ireland. Do you know I was there so long ago (1970s) that they wouldn't let women in the pubs? Not any women ... not American women, not lady tourists, not Irish women, weren't even any barmaids. Shhheeeshsh. We had to get drunk in our rooms.

So that was a funny one you cleaned up Doom. Can't you tell some more in code? Guess you can tell I'm bored. My Morrowind mod I was making crashed the game (a static was too big) so I've gotta start again. For some reason I don't have Pisces to bother me constantly anymore ... thought that would be relaxing if it ever happened, but now it kinda feels like something you forgot nagging at your memory or like a burr that gets nestled between your shoulderblades and you just can't reach it.

Wonder if somethings wrong. Maybe I should email instead of pm. Bet he's bit the big one = he's in love. Of course it would happen during snowboarding season knowing Pisces.

haha, N/m**2, awesome ! Do you have some Tesla jokes, too ???
Anyway, here's an old S/M joke:

masochist: Hit me ! Hit me ! For the love of God, HIT ME !!!
sadist: hell no


edit: it just hit me, how refreshingly ridiculously hillarious the very notion of tag between Einstein & other science quacks up in the Heaven is to me, the very point of joke aside [ROFL, I need a godamn ROFL smiley here, people!]

This post has been edited by milanius: Aug 13 2006, 09:51 PM

Could anyone kindly explain that Pascal joke to us 7th grade science class dropouts??

Actually, I did pass high school biology and chemistry but never had to take physics. Totally cheated my way through the chemistry lab .... just made the smartest girl in class my lab partner in exchange for sitting at my lunch table where the cute guys hung out. (Isn't shcool idiotic?)

I was so bad at lab alone that I think I set rubber on fire ... it wasn't even supposed to look like rubber, it was supposed to congeal into a clear gel but mine turned to rubber and then caught on fire! Would have been a fine joke if I knew the actually chemicals to tell about it.

Rubber, oh my... you were even worse than me ! I didn't even know what the heck to do during chemistry and physics lab classes I was decent in theory, though, but that was so long ago... I forgot most of that stuff anyway.

And now, to explain - here's the Pascal Unit - notice that it's One Newton/One Square Meter (yes, meter, sorry if that rocks your yards ); and here's also The Man Himself... so, in essence, Newton draws a square on the ground, with dimensions of 1m x 1m (= 1m**2) and then stands over it... get it ? Pascal ???

Okay ... funny. Thanks. Reminds me of my family (a buncha scientists and engineers) who tell word problems at the dinner table instead of jokes. ...... I am known as the artist born into a scientific family, talk about a black sheep. sheeeesh

Ahhhh .... but I have a funny and arty joke. Does anyone know how to bathe a khajiit???

Telekinetically throw him into the nearest lake? (My favourite choice.)
Drench him with Skooma?
Throw a lump of Moonsugar into the lake?

-What do you call a Plothole in a TES Game?

A dragon Break

-What other job does an Ordinator have?

Dishwashing, so it can watch the scum


- How many Ordinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to do it, the other four to watch the scum.

tehehe ... how many workmen does it take to get the lightbulb to the 5 Ordinators .... as they are told throughout the streets carrying the lightbulb to "Move along now. Just keep moving ...."