The Slaying of the Fiend, Chapter One Options

[Disasterpiece449]

Prologue

The chilling frost of a northern evening gripped him down to his very bones as the moonlight cast his dark silhouette upon the snowy mountainside. Scanning with a heightened sense of sight the vampire staked out the great city of Bruma, its granite walls casting a dark shadow upon the earth that hid a being from all but the most vigilant of hunters. It was a woman, a slender figure dressed entirely in the black livery of the Dark Brotherhood.

Moving with uncanny swiftness the vampire advanced upon his quarry, taking care to leap over every boulder, every bush that happened to block his path. As he closed in he couldn’t help but recognize the beauty of the woman. A beauty so perfect, so complete that it would put to shame the gods themselves should they unveil their true appearance. Perhaps that is why her fate was so hideous.

Stopping cold the vampire whispered softly, muttering a dark incantation into the night. Suddenly, thrusting his arm forward, an orb of brilliant light rushed from his fingertips. Smiling silently he watched as it sped toward its target, taking but half a second to make contact. The woman became deathly still, falling in a crumpled heap upon the powdery snow. At a comfortable pace the vampire covered the last dozen yards.

Laying the woman on her back he felt the pulse. Heart beating strong, she lay paralyzed but fully conscious, watching every move the vampire made. He lowered his head to hers, so close now that he could feel her heavy breathing upon his pale cheek.

“Shame.” He whispered in her ear. Closing his eyes he swiftly thrust his dagger into her abdomen. The purification was complete…

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I've got it in my head to write something, if only I can stay motivated.

[The Metal Mallet]

Oooo, looks like we got a cold-blooded killer on the loose. Then again, she was a Dark Brotherhood assassin, perhaps that makes him one of the decent fellas... or one who is indifferent to his victims. Perhaps we'll find out in future updates.

Wonderful use of description by the way.

[canis216]

Purification? Perhaps this vampire was wiping out a brace of Dark Brothers... or perhaps this is something entirely different. In any case, this is excellent prologue here, and I'm interested to see what comes next.

[Disasterpiece449]

Thank you for the positive feedback. I'll start a new installment in a few, and rest assured that it'll have some length to it.

[Dire Cheesecake]

Perhaps he didn't kill her, but instead stabbed into her womb, thus killing her unborn child. All because she tried to leave the Dark Bortherhood. Then she seeks revenge. Am I looking to far into this? Should I not have watched Kill Bill?

Still that would be pretty interesting. I guess I'm just not much into assassin stories.

This post has been edited by Dire Cheesecake: Jul 23 2007, 11:14 PM

[darkynd]

For something so short, this was pretty good. The only genuine flaw I noticed during my perusal was this:

Scanning with a heightened sense of sight the vampire staked out the great city of Bruma, its granite walls casting a dark shadow upon the earth that hid a being from all but the most vigilant of hunters.

That is a somewhat unwieldy sentence. Too long, mostly. You could shorten it, or break it up a little bit into a few shorter sentences. But really, that was one thing cherry-picked from what was a good bit of writing.

[Dire Cheesecake]

A shame, another potentially interesting story ends abruptly. Even more abruptly than mine did. Wish I had some ideas for writing without making it feel forced.