Meera's Dream, One girl's dream... Options

[seerauna]

Hey all,
I've been reading the stories here for awhile and finally decided to post my own. Please I want feedback and critcism. Even a "hey, good work" is good, but it doesn't help me write better stories. It is a short story, but I am working on my series now. Yes, I am another writer who has been inspired by treydog.

[seerauna]

Meera’s Dream

Meera stared at the sky and sighed. She wished she could fly. Only then would she be truly happy, even if she would be a beggar, because the spell was so expensive. She had heard that the other elves were able to make themselves levitate. The one spell she wished she had the most though, was one where she could shapeshift herself into a bird. She had heard that it was almost immediate transformation. She was unsure though. But Meera had never heard of a Bosmer casting that spell before.

Suddenly, a thought, almost a premonition, crossed her mind. Meera, all of the sudden, knew that at some point she would be able to fly. “Strange, that’s never happened before. It’s like I’m a seer or something.” She murmured to herself.

Years later, sitting in that very spot, staring up at the same piece of sky, Meera sighed yet again. She was going through the same thoughts of that long ago day, when her keen ears heard a noise. She whirled to find a female Argonian standing behind her, blocking the door, wielding a gold and black blade.

Meera’s gaze darted around, looking for an escape, but dropping tree stories to the ground from her bedroom window and the blocked door were her only escape routes. She looked at the Argonian, terrified. “W-what do y-you want? The Argonian smiled unpleasantly. “My name is Ocheeva little one, and I am here to send your soul to Sithis."

With those last words, she threw the dagger. It couldn’t miss at that range. As Meera’s soul soared, it realized one last thing. Meera’s dream had come true, because she had finally flown.

This post has been edited by seerauna: Jul 4 2008, 04:37 AM

[redsrock]

Nice use of irony at the end, I like that. Because this a "short" story I won't say much in terms of plot and whatever, because you wrote it short on purpose. There were a few awkward sentences, so if you'd like me to point them out just tell me.

Also, this new series, is it already finished or something?

[Lord Revan]

I can't say anything that Reds hasn't stated. A little awkward in some sentences, not something I haven't done many times in the past or continue to do now.

[seerauna]

Yea reds, please point them out to me. I might be able to fix them later. Thank you for the comments.

[redsrock]

Only then would she be truly happy, even if she would be a beggar.

Does this mean that in order to fly she would have to in turn be a beggar on top of that? If so, how come?

She had heard of other elves, most of them different races, were able to make themselves levitate.

In the first part of the sentence, I would replace the 'of' with 'that the'. To me it just runs smoother, but anyone can correct me if I'm wrong on that. Also, there's no need for middle part, simply because in the first part you tell us that they are the other elven races.

was one where she could shapeshift herself into a bird. But that was other elves.

A tad bit awkward here, but I still know what you're trying to say. So, how do they shapeshift themselves? This is a magic I'm sure a lot of readers have never heard of, so it would have been good to describe how the process works. And if it's the only the other elven races that can do it, then why is that?

A good way to restructure the second sentence would have been, "But that ability lied to the other elven races as well." Or at least something similar, it doesn't have to be exactly how I just wrote it.

Also, different races.

Again, this is redundant so you can just take that out, since it had already been told several times that it is the other elven races that can use the magic Meera wishes to possess. (sp?)

but the three-story drop to the ground if she climbed out the window and the door were the only escape routes.

The way it's written is a bit awkward. Try something like, "but her only options of escape were either dropping down three stories out of her bedroom window, or else running through the door".

And if in fact the Argonian had been blocking the door, you should explain that. Because the way it is written right the reader doesn't know exactly where the Argonian is standing, and to me that could potentially mean that Meera could have very well ran through the door. You see what I'm saying?

Again, I love the irony at the end, but those were just some of the mistakes that caught my eye. So, I love helping people like this and I have a lot of fun doing it. However, if this is too harsh in any way just tell me so. There's someone over at BGSF who didn't like the way I was critiquing one time, so, I'm a little hesitant now-a-days...

[treydog]

Nicely done. In a very short space, we learn enough of the character to feel sympathy and empathy for her... I hope you will grace us with more of your work.

[seerauna]

Nice use of irony at the end, I like that. Because this a "short" story I won't say much in terms of plot and whatever, because you wrote it short on purpose. There were a few awkward sentences, so if you'd like me to point them out just tell me.

Also, this new series, is it already finished or something?

In answer to that question, no it's not finished. I'm finishing up the second chapter. Just was dealing with writer's block. This was a nice distraction. I'm writing it again, so expect it in a couple days, or after the weekend's over.