 Living Hell, A poem by me. |
| contureh |
 Dec 19 2008, 01:11 AM
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#1
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Retainer Joined: 7-December 08  |
A Living Hell
The Waters of Oblivion begin to swell Opening a portal to living Hell. The adventurer enters the fiery red gate Unbeknownst that his will decides his fate. Before his eyes lay a desolate scape The death and demons of the Deadlands making him gape. A Daedroth charged lashing its clawed fist out Causing the adventurer to writhe and shout. The Daedroth attempted another attack but failed This time finding itself, by a sword, impaled. The adventurer continued, strengthened but worried Behind him irritated, dangerous Scamps scurried. Rushing into a dark ancient spire Greeting him is a blazing column of fire. A Dremora swung his blade Fortunately it was a swing he was able to evade. Soon his sword and its flesh met Quickly neutralizing the enemy threat. The adventurer continued up the tower At the top a Xivilai stared at him with a glower. The Xivilai charged using its sword like a spear He shouldered him into the inferno and its skin began to sear. The Xivilai burst into flames and blazed Leaving the adventurer blinded and dazed. The adventurer peered at the black pulsating stone Only then did he realize that he was alone. As he grabbed it the Spire began to fall apart From the damned place he was to depart. The Waters of Oblivion fell Closing a portal to living Hell. |
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Replies(1 - 3)
| Colonel Mustard |
Dec 19 2008, 03:31 AM
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#2
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 Master  Joined: 3-July 08 From: The darkest pit of your soul. Hi there! |
Nice ballad Contureh-short and to the point, and with a few good pieces of imagery in there. However, some of the lines don't really fit with the poem's rythm, such as 'the death and daemons of the deadlands making him gape.' However, if you just read it aloud to yourself, you ought to be able to sort out those glitches.
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| contureh |
Dec 20 2008, 06:30 PM
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#3
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Retainer Joined: 7-December 08 |
Yeah. Some of those long lines don't sound to good.
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| Olen |
Dec 21 2008, 01:41 PM
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#4
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 Mouth  Joined: 1-November 07 From: most places |
Yup, a nice ballad. I echo what's said above, some lines didn't fit the meter well enough (at least in my opinion). Also certain word choices seemed a little strange, 'neutralised' in particular.
But its good to see people doing poetry here, I might even have to have a shot. -------------------- Look behind you and see an ever decreasing number of ghosts. Currently about 15.
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