Kalith the Magister - A Life in Oblivion, I'm back, baby, and with Oblivion! Options

[DarkHunter]

Thats right, back, in Oblivion, and ready for another go at all of your sanities/interest.

Kalith, The Magister.

A night in the cell. Thats what they had tagged on him for accidentally burning down an inn in a small town near the Imperial city. One night, maybe two they had said, along with a few hundred septium fine. He hadn't expected them to put him in one of the deep cells, and especially not to forget about him down there in the dingy, dark, cell. The skull and few other bones scattered about the room did nothing to improve his mood, and the cellmate across from him wasn't the most pleasant of company. He, of course, spent his now hours without number meditating, and preparing his spellwork, no use in falling out of practise for when they finally let him out of this Imperial-made hell. They had no right to lock him away, a respectable Breton mage like himself. Of course, it probably would have helped if he had joined with the local Mage's Guilds in the Imperial Provience instead of having his own small practise that had been carried over from the eastern provience of Morrowind. On Vvardenfell, the rules and watching upon the practise of magiks use had been far less scrutinised, and the more influential members of the Cryodillic Mage's guild were probably the reason he was still locked in this miserable place.

One Week Later

Well, he was to have nothing of it, and this fine night with the full moon's light shining gently in through the window was the perfect time to finally escape. He would do it. Attract the guards attention, subdue him with a simple spell, then unlock his cell and make a break for it. Then, something unexpected happened, a change in the wind, a foretelling of sorts, something had changed in the City, a sense of urgency, of death. Minutes later Blades, escorting the Emporerer himself, broke into his cell. Now what, he wondered to himself.


(Mind you all, I'll be updating randomly over the week.)

This post has been edited by DarkHunter: Nov 20 2007, 12:52 AM

[jack cloudy]

Lol, I guess our opinions on that point differ, Steve. I hate rushing, except to get a frantic pace during some fights. Otherwise, I prefer to take it slow.

So I would suggest you try to show more, rather than tell. And to look further into possible plothooks. How did Kalith react when the Emperor came, how did the Blades and the Emperor react to him? As it stands now, it feels like the two sort of ignored each other.

Also, perhaps trying to write out the dialogue rather than just presenting the outcome. There is a huge amount of characterization you can put in through some simple dialogue. Or rather, I should say that the characterization comes from how the words are being brought.

,,Who are you?" Kalith asked, paying more attention to the bug crawling on the wall than the conversation at hand.
,,Who are you?" Kalith growled, clenching his hands into fists and baring his teeth.

Exactly the same words, yet they give us a much different insight. The first Kalith is bored and simply not interested. The second Kalith is damn furious and ready to pounce at the slightest provocation.

Also, a little nitpick on the last sentence of the first part. I'll quote.

Now what, he wondered to himself.

The problem I have here is that it isn't quite clear to me. The first part suggest that it is an actual bit of (internal) dialogue, as does the second. Yet the comma in the center flows better inside a normal sentence. So I would suggest here to do either of the following.
,,Now what?" He wondered to himself.
Or
He wondered to himself what was happening now.

I personally prefer the first one. The italics are optional, but I like to use them to distinguish between spoken text and thoughts.

And one last question to end this. Is it Kalith or Malkith? The title suggests Kalith, yet your second update uses Malkith twice. Or is it Malkith Kalith, as in a family name?