Kalith the Magister - A Life in Oblivion, I'm back, baby, and with Oblivion! Options

[DarkHunter]

Thats right, back, in Oblivion, and ready for another go at all of your sanities/interest.

Kalith, The Magister.

A night in the cell. Thats what they had tagged on him for accidentally burning down an inn in a small town near the Imperial city. One night, maybe two they had said, along with a few hundred septium fine. He hadn't expected them to put him in one of the deep cells, and especially not to forget about him down there in the dingy, dark, cell. The skull and few other bones scattered about the room did nothing to improve his mood, and the cellmate across from him wasn't the most pleasant of company. He, of course, spent his now hours without number meditating, and preparing his spellwork, no use in falling out of practise for when they finally let him out of this Imperial-made hell. They had no right to lock him away, a respectable Breton mage like himself. Of course, it probably would have helped if he had joined with the local Mage's Guilds in the Imperial Provience instead of having his own small practise that had been carried over from the eastern provience of Morrowind. On Vvardenfell, the rules and watching upon the practise of magiks use had been far less scrutinised, and the more influential members of the Cryodillic Mage's guild were probably the reason he was still locked in this miserable place.

One Week Later

Well, he was to have nothing of it, and this fine night with the full moon's light shining gently in through the window was the perfect time to finally escape. He would do it. Attract the guards attention, subdue him with a simple spell, then unlock his cell and make a break for it. Then, something unexpected happened, a change in the wind, a foretelling of sorts, something had changed in the City, a sense of urgency, of death. Minutes later Blades, escorting the Emporerer himself, broke into his cell. Now what, he wondered to himself.


(Mind you all, I'll be updating randomly over the week.)

This post has been edited by DarkHunter: Nov 20 2007, 12:52 AM

[jack cloudy]

Lol, I guess our opinions on that point differ, Steve. I hate rushing, except to get a frantic pace during some fights. Otherwise, I prefer to take it slow.

So I would suggest you try to show more, rather than tell. And to look further into possible plothooks. How did Kalith react when the Emperor came, how did the Blades and the Emperor react to him? As it stands now, it feels like the two sort of ignored each other.

Also, perhaps trying to write out the dialogue rather than just presenting the outcome. There is a huge amount of characterization you can put in through some simple dialogue. Or rather, I should say that the characterization comes from how the words are being brought.

,,Who are you?" Kalith asked, paying more attention to the bug crawling on the wall than the conversation at hand.
,,Who are you?" Kalith growled, clenching his hands into fists and baring his teeth.

Exactly the same words, yet they give us a much different insight. The first Kalith is bored and simply not interested. The second Kalith is damn furious and ready to pounce at the slightest provocation.

Also, a little nitpick on the last sentence of the first part. I'll quote.

Now what, he wondered to himself.

The problem I have here is that it isn't quite clear to me. The first part suggest that it is an actual bit of (internal) dialogue, as does the second. Yet the comma in the center flows better inside a normal sentence. So I would suggest here to do either of the following.
,,Now what?" He wondered to himself.
Or
He wondered to himself what was happening now.

I personally prefer the first one. The italics are optional, but I like to use them to distinguish between spoken text and thoughts.

And one last question to end this. Is it Kalith or Malkith? The title suggests Kalith, yet your second update uses Malkith twice. Or is it Malkith Kalith, as in a family name?

[DarkHunter]

So I would suggest you try to show more, rather than tell. And to look further into possible plothooks. How did Kalith react when the Emperor came, how did the Blades and the Emperor react to him? As it stands now, it feels like the two sort of ignored each other.

Also, perhaps trying to write out the dialogue rather than just presenting the outcome. There is a huge amount of characterization you can put in through some simple dialogue. Or rather, I should say that the characterization comes from how the words are being brought.

,,Who are you?" Kalith asked, paying more attention to the bug crawling on the wall than the conversation at hand.
,,Who are you?" Kalith growled, clenching his hands into fists and baring his teeth.

Exactly the same words, yet they give us a much different insight. The first Kalith is bored and simply not interested. The second Kalith is damn furious and ready to pounce at the slightest provocation.

Also, a little nitpick on the last sentence of the first part. I'll quote.

Now what, he wondered to himself.

The problem I have here is that it isn't quite clear to me. The first part suggest that it is an actual bit of (internal) dialogue, as does the second. Yet the comma in the center flows better inside a normal sentence. So I would suggest here to do either of the following.
,,Now what?" He wondered to himself.
Or
He wondered to himself what was happening now.

I personally prefer the first one. The italics are optional, but I like to use them to distinguish between spoken text and thoughts.

And one last question to end this. Is it Kalith or Malkith? The title suggests Kalith, yet your second update uses Malkith twice. Or is it Malkith Kalith, as in a family name?

Three important points I have to bring up here:

A- There wasn't a reactional point on either side, this was little more than a chance meeting. Not much emotion on our side of things either.

B-The reason for the lack of characterization will become evident in time.

C- It's niether, AND both names. Yet again, all will be explained in time.

And unfortunatly, yes. Despite my best intentions this work is going to be rushed for the next few weeks, I'm a buzy little bugger in the real world at the moment, and short updates will be all that happens until I have more time on my hands.

Well, thanks crowd for finding the time to reply!

Actually, I've found some time at the moment... so in we go!

Imperial Sewer Complex, Malkith

Three shivers. Four heartbeats that moved down the passages toward a far door. A very far door. He moved soon as the soft beats began to fade, the winds of magika had shifted in Cryodill, he had niether the control nor the vastness he had on Vvardenfell, not even the lessened amount of mintues before. What is to become of you, Malkith? Soon, he had caught up with them. The Blades and the Emperor, that is. New heartbeats had joined them for a moment, but by his arrival there were nothing but scattered red cloaked corpses, along with one Blade, the girl, who had been neatly lain out by one of her companions. The sword, her sword. It would be no use to her in the afterlife, and he found no compunction in not retriving it from the corpse. His head snapped toward the sound of the Blades, it seemed that one of them had the idea of slaying him, simply for being here. Ridiculous. Uriel Septium seemed to argue against it, and the Blades no longer had a say in the matter. They left him there, with instructions to contiue off down a seperate path, through the caves, rather than to tag along behind them. Of course, all he heard was nonsense, but the meaning was clear.

Imperial City Caves, Kalith

Why had they left him here like this? He understood that they were simply protecting thier ward, the Emperor, but they could've been more helpful on how to find his way out of this wretched place, besides to head through the caves. Whats wrrrrong little Kalith? Fate not very kind to you? Well, at least he had that, and so thereon is where he headed, into the caves. The first thing that was easily evident, was that the Imperials had no care for thier sewers, as a large, and fierce, rat dove upon him as he entered the first cross-ways. It already had sunk it's vile teeth into his arm by the time he had realized enough what had happened to react. A Flare, more commonly known as a fireball, despite its lack of power to be one, was his first reaction, searing the flesh from the vermin. Vermin... Mortals do not understand the meaning... It died quickly as the fire continued through it, leaving a smoking corpse of the rodent upon the ground. Kalith, was repungent about the odour, and the look, of the burn little creature, so he left it there, and continued onward through the tunnels. There were more rats of course, but now he was more aware to his surrondings, and the onset of a full colony of the pests. Do the Divine not protect thier champions better?

Imperial City Caves, Malkith

Goblins. There were goblins nearby. He skittered through the shadows nearer to the stench, the pathetic mind of the thing. Vermin, hardly sentient. He burned the first he came upon without remorse, darts of fire flicking from his fingers into his victim who hardly recognized the pain before it's eyes dulled and it collapsed upon the dirt floors. He moved on, looting the body with a flick of his hands through it's grubby rags. A pair of lockpicks were on this one. And the next met the same fate, and the spoils of its body weren't much greater. Fate, is a wonderful thing... much... like a burning ring... On he moved through the caves, a Goblin Witch met it's demise much like it's less magikally intuned brethern, though the magics of its staff had singed his skin with the burst of electricity before it became a pillar of cinder. He laughed maniacally, brushing the ash aside, and collecting the scant pickings from the resulting pile. The staff, was something he found intriguing, though. Head on a spike... sound familiar? He moved on.


((Figured it out yet? ))

This post has been edited by DarkHunter: Nov 22 2007, 01:08 AM