The Connivers of Bosmora, For THE Contest... Options

[redsrock]

This is the story I will be submitting for the Competition. I would REALLY appreiate your help, especially since this is for a contest. If you don't mind, just tell me how you feel. Constructive criticism is the best way to better myself as a writer, and that is what I am aiming to do with this story. Thanks and enjoy the tale...


Prologue

As I peacefully sat at my hardwood desk, reading a borrowed-copy of “Children of the Sky”, someone came knocking at the front door of my house in Godsreach, Mournhold, at eleven o’clock at night no less. I placed the fine read on the table with bookmark in place, and walked towards the door. The peacefulness had been broken, for now at least, and I was already in sleeping clothes; which happened to be light blue cloth pants and a thin shirt to match.

I couldn’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would be knocking at someone else’s door at this hour, not to mention being out-and-about this late at night to begin with. And I didn’t dare think it to be someone of danger to me simply for the fact that I, unlike many of my special and unique profession, am a liked man.

When I peaked through the eye-hole at the top of my door, which I cleverly thought up and installed immediately upon moving in, I saw a male Dunmer dressed in fancy crimson-red attire. He was holding in his left hand a brightly lit torch, and in the other a manila-colored envelope.

After opening the door I gave the elf a curious look, and he did his best to give me a friendly and warming stare. But that was not the case; I could easily see the truth. He didn’t really even want to be here, and it was likely he hated his job, and I knew exactly what that job was. It was his attire that gave it away; he was a courier for King Helseth.

“Yes?” I said, a little embarrassed by my sleeping garments.

“I come with a letter from Lord Helseth, sir,” The Dunmer announced, giving me a little bow in the process

I took the letter from the elf, handed him a couple of gold coins, and then closed the door as he walked merrily down the street, having an end to a not-so-bad night after all. And then I sat down, moved the book from its resting position, and replaced it the envelope.

Inside was a letter with the usual extravagant lettering and seal that held it together. After getting past all of that I held the message in my hand, and even read it aloud to be sure I read everything carefully.

Dear Louis,

I would like to once again thank you for your help with the Telvanni issue. That was by no means an easy task to accomplish, and you dealt with the problem like the professional being you are. But unfortunately there is something else that has come up, thankfully not involving the Telvanni this time. I wish to speak with you first thing tomorrow morning if you would, the matter is extremely important. I apologize for the inconvenience of bothering you this late at night, but I simply could not wait any longer.

Hlaalu Helseth

So he needed me again, eh? I supposed I really shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, I did handle that Telvanni situation rather well now that I think about it. It only makes sense to hire me again for another mission. But will I accept that proposition? I don’t know…it’s likely. There’s not much else to do anyway. In fact, I came here all the way from my homeland in Cyrodiil specifically help King Helseth and his Royal Court. Because of my background he thought of no one else besides me.

But perhaps I should give you that historical background before continuing? Yes, I believe I should…

My name is Louis Marquardt, son of the late Bartimus Marquardt. I come from a family of Bretons living closely together in a small settlement called Summer’s Watch, which is still alive and running in Western Cyrodiil. As a child I enjoyed a great education given to me by the local scholar, and I’ve learned the ropes of the Imperial government. I know it like the back of my hand, which I think is one reason why Helseth originally hired me in the first place.

At age 27 I became an ‘inquisitional-agent’ of sorts, working for various clients across Cyrodiil, and even a few across the Morrowind border. I work for those who need my help in investigating various things, and I’ve also been known to do some free-lance government work as well thanks to my sharp education.

I started out with a job of investigating a crime in which someone had stolen a painting belonging to the Countess of Chorrol, Lady Valga. I was lucky my first job was with one of such prestige, for Lady Valga was obviously an important person. I believe played a huge role in my quick success. Everything went well during the investigation, actually exceptionally well now that I think about it. I found the culprit in one day, a female Redguard, and was given a handsome reward for my troubles.

After that word of my work spread across the land. Apparently Valga’s influence was pretty big with the people of Cyrodiil, and suddenly I had many from all over coming to me asking for help. At first I tried to take on all offers, which was a terrible mistake. I simply had too much on my plate, and the quality of my work began to suffer. So I quit working for just anyone, and instead focused on the more prestigious clients. They paid the most after all. You can call me money hungry, but really, who isn’t deep down inside?

At the ripe age of thirty-five, what landed me the job with Helseth was having accomplished several jobs just across the Morrowind border. A Dunmer land lord was having trouble with money, and it came to be that it was his wife that was stealing everything. And it just so happened that the Dunmer was a good friend of Hlaalu Helseth, and therefore I moved my business to the city of Mournhold; Or King Helseth to be exact.

A Telvanni mage had, at least in Helseth’s mind, acted funny at a trip from the Azura’s Coast region of Vvardenfell. Helseth thought perhaps that the Telvanni had done something wrong, and after checking his office, realized a few documents had been stolen. Well, to make a long short, the Telvanni did in fact steal the documents, and claimed to have ‘picked the wrong papers’ during the meeting. The situation was easily sorted out, and Helseth let it go.

That was two weeks ago, and since then the King had not spoken another word to me. He offered 50,000 septims in exchange for my service, and I of course didn’t argue with that. I bought my house, settled down, and ultimately decided to stay in Mournhold. I like the atmosphere here, and the people are nice. I figure even if I don’t get a lot of clients, I could retire any time I wanted to since I had plenty of money, besides what Helseth awarded me. And so far I have done just that.

And now for the past two weeks I’ve been holed up in this town, drinking and a lot and caring a little. I never was much of a drinker back in Cyrodiil, but here it seems like ‘the thing to do’, if you know what I mean. All the big-shots go to the local pub in the evenings and talk [censored], like they know everything there is to know about everything. It gets annoying at times, but the drinks make up for it.

Hession does a wonderful job of keeping out the bad-people, and she also provides the best of quality drinks Tamriel has to offer. The place was a rich one, mind, you and that is what I think keeps out the beggars and lazy, good-for-nothing alcoholics. Although recently I’ve heard that I fall under the description of the latter. A few days ago I got into a shouting match with another patron of the pub, The Winged Guar. It didn’t really escalate into much, but people tell me I was pretty drunk, something I seem to have taken a habit to here lately. Oh well, I didn’t consider it a problem, only a ‘guilty pleasure’, if you will.

Once I read a few more chapters of my book I stumbled upstairs and sat at the edge of my bed. I looked at the dresser drawer and a half-empty bottle of flin. I took the bottle and downed it in a couple of seconds. It wasn’t a big deal; the bottle wasn’t too large to begin with. That was the evil of flin; tastes really good but you don’t get much, and therefore you end up buying more. That’s probably why they’re so high in price. Damn sellers…..

This post has been edited by minque: Apr 4 2008, 09:56 PM

[Olen]

There's certainly potential but your introduction needs reworking. The opening moves too slowly, you have a lot of unnessesary information and, in my opinion, use too many adjectives which hurts the pace. Also the first lines are rather ponderous:

"As I peacefully sat at my hardwood desk, reading a borrowed-copy of “Children of the Sky”, someone came knocking at the front door of my house in Godsreach, Mournhold, at eleven o’clock at night no less. I placed the fine read on the table with bookmark in place, and walked towards the door. "

Personally I would consider the following:

'peacefully sat' whenever you use an adverb ask yourself if a stronger verb would be better, maybe use relaxed or lounged?

also consider whether what the reader gains from knowing the book is borrowed (and even its title) and that the desk is hardwood or the advantage of 'fine read' over 'book' when balanced with the loss of pace. Bear in mind that in the opening you have to grab the reader so everything should be tight and fast, you can ramble more once you have the reader caught.


‘But perhaps I should give you that historical background before continuing? Yes, I believe I should…’ This sort of line can have a negative effect on the pace too, it announces that you are going to have a large stack background information. While I agree this is nessesary it may be better to keep it to a minimum and hide it as best you can. On the other hand it develops the tone of the story very effectively.


The story itself seems sound so far and the characters certainly have potential but I think you should look at its pace and perhaps cutting information which is less relivant. I see potential and will certainly read the next update so keep at it.

PS - the above is just my opinions but you said you wanted a fuller critique so these are my thoughts.