Rak’nor the free slave Options

[dragonguy93]

Rak’nor the free slave.

Prolouge

It was a hot day in Sadrith Mora today, Rak’nor and the other slaves were serving their master Neloth, many thought of Neloth being one of the kindest of Telvanni Councilors, but the slaves knew they were wrong. The slaves were abused in any possible manner, they were kept in cages during the nights and forced to do hard labour, they consisted of mostly beastfolk; Argonians and Khajits. All of their wills were broken long ago, they hadn’t seen anything except the old tower and some parts of Sadrith Mora. Though they met many important people and knew what has been going on, one of the most prestigious people they had met was the Nerevarine himself, when he came to ask about becoming Telvanni’s Hortator. One night a slave no different from the others an argonian, Rak’nor started dreaming once again. He dreamed of how life would be outside these walls and halls on the mainland or other countries, how wonderful it would be if he saw the black marsh and while the others kept working and working he kept dreaming, one day his dreams got so strong that he took the courage to go to Neloth and asked to be freed, Neloth was suprised by the question, no slave ever dared to even speak to him before, if he had not spoken first. He declined the offer and after that started to give Rak’nor more work one harder than the other, he was willing to do anything to break the argonian’s spirit. Sadly, nothing seemed to work, the argonian came back everyday and asked to be freed, over and over again. Soon they started to call him Rak’nor the free slave, after about a year of asking, master Neloth finally gave in and decided to give Rak’nor a chance to be free, he created a otherwise forbidden slave bracer that allowed him to kill the slave anywhere anytime he wanted and put it on the argonian and kept the key close to himself, he asked the argonian to bring him kagrenac’s tools(Wraithguard, Sunder, Keening) that had been distributed around vvardenfell’s most important dunmer temples, master Neloth knew this was no easy feat so he gave the slave exacly a year to do this task to have the death trap on his wrist removed. Rak’nor knew what he had to do was wrong and bad and a betrayal to the nerevarine, who thank the gods has not been in vvardenfell for awhile. Rak’nor accepted the deal and the deal was sealed with a magical bomb, being attached to Rak’nor’s wrist.


What do you think of it, my first time writing fir elder scrolls and made it short, cause i wanted to be sure i can write decently Elder scrolls, so comment. Constructive criticism welcome and my home country does not talk in english, so don't mind the hordes of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, if it really bothers everyone, maybe someone here can fix them

[paragenic]

Dragon I like your idea and would love to read the story. You've introduced a cool item (an exploding bracer), set the background for a journey, and the "deadline of one year" and the nickname add to the realism. The pace is just right for me as well.

As for your English, is it perfect? no. Does it bother me? not that much. The story itself is so interesting that I find myself glossing over the errors as I read, and the errors themselves are not so horrid as to make the piece unreadable.

Certainly if you can keep up the pace of the narrative, continue surprising us with slight extensions to the familiar TES world that give me the reader the feeling I am exploring something new, find a good plot and ending to the story, AND keep up with what I think is a great streak of originality, what you have started should evolve marvellously.

One advice I could give you though - try to split up the text into paragraphs. It is good for the digestion.

This post has been edited by paragenic: Apr 29 2008, 11:06 AM