Serverus Options

[Lord Veneficus]

I know, it is a bit short. But it's just a starter to see how you guys like it.

Serverus slowly crept along the dark halls of the Ayleid ruin. His delicately runed shortsword in his hand. He was a young Imperial of twenty years; with flowing black hair that reached just past his shoulders. A scar ran gracefully down his slightly muscular arm.

He had sworn to himself that he would kill the man who had so wrongfully murdered his first love, Marcella, the only person he had left in his life. The man was jealous and he attempted to court her. After failure at this task, he killed her and threw her body into the river. Serverus knew the man was here. He had spent many days and much gold hunting him down. The man was highly protected by men in ebony armor.

He entered a small room. Serverus searched through the contents of every container. There was a letter on a table next to a dented and scarred shield. He unfolded the letter and examined its contents.

Casimir,

I will gladly pay you five thousand gold pieces for ten more of your men. Send them to the clearing east of the Red Ring Road. I do not wish for my location to be revealed. I hope you understand why I need these men. I will see you there, my legionnaire friend.

A friend

Serverus laughed to himself. It was a little too late for the man to be concerned of his hideout being found. He folded the letter up and placed it into his pack; he then left the room and headed north, deeper into the ruin.

[Lord Veneficus]

No. Unfortunately, I must stop this as it is too 'cliche' for the critics. Sorry.

[0rimus]

No. Unfortunately, I must stop this as it is too 'cliche' for the critics. Sorry.

Wut? Why? Screw the critics man. Even if the most basic part of your story: "Guy takes revenge", is a little used, the intamacies and plot steps along the way can make it completely original. You could also have a shock ending, something unexpected. I actually liked this one, which is surprising considering I hardly ever read fanfic, I usually just write it. As a last ditch suggestion, why not just drop this one and start over if you really think you need to? Personally, I think you should stick with this one.