The Way to Daedric, A comedy. Options

[LeTren Thundakk]

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The Way to Daedric

==Day One==

A round table of immense size held all sixteen of the Daedric Princes, arguably the most powerful entities in a single collection, yet from the whole gathering and purpose of the table, only a few bits of conversation spoken were fit for a mortal’s ear:

Hermaeus Mora: I am the most erudite among us.

Hircine: I may not be of a scholarly mind, but who needs it during the hunt.

Sanguine: Exactly, being inebriated by the blood of mortals makes for a better hunt anyway.

Hircine: I wouldn’t dare hunt with you.

Clavicus Vile: He would wobble and sit on his bottle just trying to leave this table.

Sanguine: Oh yeah? Watch me!

Sanguine proceeds to slip on the recently waxed carpet.

Peryite: Oh, come on…I just cleansed the floor. Who waxed my carpet!

Sheogorath: The lowest order, eh? Speaking of business done out on the lawn, how are you Malacath?

Malacath: …

Vaernima: (After checking through an orb.) Another mortal has felt my wrath.

Mehrunes Dagon: You know it’s just a dream, right?

Vaernima: How did your plan to rule Tamriel go?

Mehrunes Dagon: Not my fault the Camoran fool had his facts wrong.

Sheogorath: I couldn’t resist.

Clavicus Vile: That’s okay. At least we aren’t cursed.

Jyggalag: I will get you and your little dog too!

Clavicus Vile: Leave Barbas out of this.

Sheogorath: Why should I?

Molag Bal: Try and stop him, the Madgod doesn’t seem to lose.

Hircine: Don’t remind me…

Hermaeus Mora: He could never have a win over me.

Sheogorath: You are too boring.

Sanguine: He never drinks.

Hircine: He never hunts.

Mehrunes Dagon: He never fights.

Vaernima: He never sleeps.

Boethiah: He never participates in a tournament.

Molag Bal: He never corrupts mortals.

Clavicus Vile: He rewards mortals with a book.

Hermaeus Mora: A book of POWER!

Clavicus Vile: Still a book…

Nocturnal: What’s wrong with a book?

Vaernima: Nothing, if you can read in your nightmares.

Nocturnal: Looking at you is a nightmare.

Meridia: I agree.

Vaernima: and how did YOUR plan to have your pal rule Tamriel go?

Meridia: I know nothing about that!

Hermaeus Mora: (laughs) I know EVERYTHING about that.

Sheogorath: Enlighten me.

Hermaeus Mora: The knowledge is mine and mine alone!

Meridia’s eyes shift left and right.

Meridia: I know about it…I saw the whole thing fail.

Namira: The fool walked around with golden armor. Shadow is the stuff of victory.

Sheogorath: but who could see it?

Mehrunes Dagon: Bah, I’m glad he wore bright armor. Perfect for showing the enemy their killer!

Vaernima: Except he was swiftly defeated.

Meridia: Don’t remind me.

Peryite finishes rebuffing the carpet.

Peryite: At lease I’ll be consistent. (As much to himself as anyone else there.)

Hircine: How go the plans for the next tournament?

Boethiah: I might mix it up a bit. Care to enter?

Hircine I have a Blood Moon to prepare for.

Vaernima: and how did…

==End of Day One==



This post has been edited by LeTren Thundakk: May 17 2008, 04:33 AM

[LeTren Thundakk]

==Day Three==

“Each event is preceded by Prophecy. But without the hero, there is no Event.” – Zurin Arctus, the Underking

After yesterday’s kerfuffle, one would hope the Princes would settle down. Too bad it didn’t work that way.

Peryite: Aha! I just created deodorant! (He holds it away from Sanguine and opens it.) Who ate my deodorant?

Mehrunes Dagon: Who knows? (He flashes a smile of white teeth with a green stripe running across.)

Malacath: Not fair, I wanted a taste.

Peryite and Hermaeus Mora: It’s not for eating!

Sanguine: How do you know…Oh, right…

Hermaeus Mora sticks his tongue out.

Molag Bal: Anyone want to arm-wrestle?

All 15 other Princes, including Azura and Mephala: NO!

Hircine: Finally, the other anticipations talk!

Mephala: Well, Azura can’t speak perfectly…What with Vivec and all.

Azura: FHUPT RHUP!

Hircine: What’s that?

Azura: FHIREP BFUSHUF

Hircine: Huh?

Azura: HRRPFFU MRFRD

Fourteen of the Princes: HUH?

Sheogorath: I understand it. She wishes to divvy up her realm to everyone and give him or her “pleasures” only someone who ate the Muatra could give.

Azura: NFF FWHFFF

Sheogorath: Yes that’s what I said.

Hermaeus Mora: No…She’s saying you’re an idiot, and that she needs help with the cotton balls stuck in her throat. Is this right?

Azura shakes her head yes.

Sheogorath: She’s dazed and confused, what does she know? I vote for extra realm space and Muatra-mouth! All in favor say I!

Silence.

Sheogorath: All oppose, say…nay?

The other fourteen: Nay!

Jyggalag: I vote nay.

Sheogorath: Eh, who are you to vote?

Meridia: Who are you talking to?

Sheogorath: Sanguine.

Hircine: No you aren’t.

Malacath: Yes he is!

Boethiah pulls the last of the cotton balls out of Azura’s mouth.

Azura: Finally I can talk! (She gets out of her chair and slips on the carpet.) This carpet is STILL waxed?

Peryite: It makes sense to me now.

Sanguine disappears and reappears away from the table. Starts running towards it.

Sanguine: (As he jumps and slides.) SLIP N’ SLIDE!

He rips the carpet, sustaining massive rug burns.

Peryite: You ripped my carpet!

Sanguine: Yeah, okay. Don’t mind me…I’ll just help myself up.

Mehrunes Dagon: (The closest in proximity.) Okay…

Hircine: (Second closest in proximity) Sure thing…

Mephala: Just voicing a thought. Why hasn’t anyone challenged Molag Bal for the arm-wrestling championship recently?

Mehrunes Dagon: If he could beat me, than no one could beat him.

Azura: Oh?

She challenges and quickly loses to the arm-wrestling champion.

Molag Bal: I win!

Sheogorath: You sure showed him, eh Azura?

Mephala: Don’t you have a Greymarch happening soon?

Sheogorath: Sooner than the next Blood Moon!

Azura: At least Hircine doesn’t always lose.

Hircine: Hey, the Nerevarine is a monster.

Azura, Mephala, and Boethiah: We don’t see how!

Mehrunes Dagon, Molag Bal, Malacath, Sheogorath: We do!

Sheogorath: or do I? No, I do…not. WAIT! I remember it like it was yesterday. He was! Who are we talking about? The Septim or the Skooma Den?

Azura: How can the father of were-beasts call someone a monster?

Hircine: Easy, I just did. I’ll do it again: HE WAS A MONSTER!

Peryite: (After finishing the floor.) There, it’s done. Nobody mess up the floor!

Clavicus Vile: I have twister! (Lays down the sheet and grabs Mehrunes Dagon.) I’ll spin.

Clavicus grabs the wheel and spins it.

Clavicus Vile: Azura, left foot green! (Spins the wheel.)

She does so.

Clavicus Vile: Boethiah, right hand blue. (Spins the wheel.)

He does so.

Clavicus Vile: Namira!

Namira: (Getting exited.) YEAH?

Clavicus Vile: You aren’t playing.

He spins the wheel, Namira lays her head on the table.

Clavicus Vile: Mehrunes, left lower arm red, right upper arm yellow, left upper arm purple.

Mehrunes Dagon: That’s not a color in the game!

Clavicus Vile: Can’t do it? (Blows a whistle.) YYYYYYYYYYER OUT!

Sheogorath: Bad call ref!

Clavicus Vile: I made the game, so you’ll play by my rules. (Spins the wheel harder than he should have, it breaks.) RIGHT FOOT BLUE!

Sheogorath: (For the first time in known existence, the Madgod is speechless.)

Hermaeus Mora: Too bad I can’t play.

Clavicus Vile: Third right tentacle, green.

Hermaeus Mora: Yippee!

Hircine: Enough of this. Time for the Hunt!

Boethiah: No, time for the tournament!

Vaernima: No, time for nightmares!

Sanguine: No, it’s time…to…get…FUNKY!

All sixteen Princes get soaked in the most potent liquor.

Hircine: Now on to the hunt!

All sixteen: HEAR, HEAR!

==End of Day Three==