The Way to Daedric, A comedy. Options

[LeTren Thundakk]

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The Way to Daedric

==Day One==

A round table of immense size held all sixteen of the Daedric Princes, arguably the most powerful entities in a single collection, yet from the whole gathering and purpose of the table, only a few bits of conversation spoken were fit for a mortal’s ear:

Hermaeus Mora: I am the most erudite among us.

Hircine: I may not be of a scholarly mind, but who needs it during the hunt.

Sanguine: Exactly, being inebriated by the blood of mortals makes for a better hunt anyway.

Hircine: I wouldn’t dare hunt with you.

Clavicus Vile: He would wobble and sit on his bottle just trying to leave this table.

Sanguine: Oh yeah? Watch me!

Sanguine proceeds to slip on the recently waxed carpet.

Peryite: Oh, come on…I just cleansed the floor. Who waxed my carpet!

Sheogorath: The lowest order, eh? Speaking of business done out on the lawn, how are you Malacath?

Malacath: …

Vaernima: (After checking through an orb.) Another mortal has felt my wrath.

Mehrunes Dagon: You know it’s just a dream, right?

Vaernima: How did your plan to rule Tamriel go?

Mehrunes Dagon: Not my fault the Camoran fool had his facts wrong.

Sheogorath: I couldn’t resist.

Clavicus Vile: That’s okay. At least we aren’t cursed.

Jyggalag: I will get you and your little dog too!

Clavicus Vile: Leave Barbas out of this.

Sheogorath: Why should I?

Molag Bal: Try and stop him, the Madgod doesn’t seem to lose.

Hircine: Don’t remind me…

Hermaeus Mora: He could never have a win over me.

Sheogorath: You are too boring.

Sanguine: He never drinks.

Hircine: He never hunts.

Mehrunes Dagon: He never fights.

Vaernima: He never sleeps.

Boethiah: He never participates in a tournament.

Molag Bal: He never corrupts mortals.

Clavicus Vile: He rewards mortals with a book.

Hermaeus Mora: A book of POWER!

Clavicus Vile: Still a book…

Nocturnal: What’s wrong with a book?

Vaernima: Nothing, if you can read in your nightmares.

Nocturnal: Looking at you is a nightmare.

Meridia: I agree.

Vaernima: and how did YOUR plan to have your pal rule Tamriel go?

Meridia: I know nothing about that!

Hermaeus Mora: (laughs) I know EVERYTHING about that.

Sheogorath: Enlighten me.

Hermaeus Mora: The knowledge is mine and mine alone!

Meridia’s eyes shift left and right.

Meridia: I know about it…I saw the whole thing fail.

Namira: The fool walked around with golden armor. Shadow is the stuff of victory.

Sheogorath: but who could see it?

Mehrunes Dagon: Bah, I’m glad he wore bright armor. Perfect for showing the enemy their killer!

Vaernima: Except he was swiftly defeated.

Meridia: Don’t remind me.

Peryite finishes rebuffing the carpet.

Peryite: At lease I’ll be consistent. (As much to himself as anyone else there.)

Hircine: How go the plans for the next tournament?

Boethiah: I might mix it up a bit. Care to enter?

Hircine I have a Blood Moon to prepare for.

Vaernima: and how did…

==End of Day One==



This post has been edited by LeTren Thundakk: May 17 2008, 04:33 AM

[LeTren Thundakk]

==Day Five==

The goings on at the table are moving slow. Patience is wearing thin and someone must break the boredom. This is where Peryite comes in.

Peryite slides his way to the table. He is holding something in his hands.

Peryite: Guess what? I just invented Q-tips!

Malacath: They look like double headed maces!

He reaches over and grabs a handful.

Malacath: What are they used for? (As he starts eating them.)

Peryite: They go in your ears!

Malacath crams them in Molag Bal’s ears.

Peryite: Not like that!

Molag Bal: (He turns to Malacath and shouts.) WHAT IS HE SAYING?

Malacath: HE SAYS THEY AREN’T USED LIKE THAT!

Peryite: You clean your ears with them.

Sanguine: Of course they are for cleaning.

Peryite: It’s all about the hygiene!

Sheogorath: I thought it was all about Molag Bal and Malacath’s stupidity.

Malacath: No need to be rude!

Mehrunes Dagon: Give me those, maybe if I cram enough I won’t have to listen to any of you!

Peryite: They clean your ears so you can hear well!

Azura tries it.

Azura: Hey, I can hear a lot better!

Peryite: REALLY?

Azura: No…

Peryite looks down in shame.

Hircine: These shall be useful for my little mortal hunters. I shall hand them out of gifts and say they are enchanted. Just like all the crap we give out.

Mehrunes Dagon: Those mortals are suckers.

Meridia: Yeah, the suckers!

Sanguine: Says the three who most recently were BESTED by mortals.

Hircine: I never said I wasn’t bested.

Mehrunes Dagon: BLAH BLAH BLAH! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Meridia: I wasn’t bested by a mortal, my boyfriend…err…pal was.

Sanguine: If you say so.

Meridia: Oh, I DO say so.

Boethiah: Personally, I think mortals are better than we credit them.

Malacath: You just say that because they fight in tournaments for you.

Boethiah: No shame in that!

Hircine: Nope, not at all.

Sheogorath: Shall we keep an eye out for the Tournament of Ten Blood Moons?

Hircine and Boethiah: Sure, anything’s possible.

Peryite: Does anyone else want anything? Bleach, toothpaste, deodorant, Q-tips?

Malacath: Why call them Q-tips?

Peryite begins to explain, but Hermaeus Mora jumps in.

Hermaeus Mora: the general shape of the mortal, human, ear resembles a slightly contorted Q.

Malacath, Mehrunes Dagon, and Molag Bal: Oh!

Peryite: I could’ve answered that, they ARE my invention after all!

Boethiah: I could use these on my newest venture, called American Gladiators. Oh, the ratings!

Sheogorath: and it can be played on my new station…Daedric Realm TV! And it could come on right after “Guess the Disease!”

Malacath: I’d watch that!

Hermaeus Mora: “Guess the Disease”, eh? Need a host?

Sheogorath: Sure, you’d be perfect. One look at you and EVERYONE will think they have to guess your disease until they realize, “Oh that’s just an ugly pile of Malacathsquidcrab.”

Hermaeus Mora and Malacath: Hey now! That’s uncalled for!

Boethiah: I said that yesterday.

Sheogorath smiles.

Hircine: I don’t see any of these ideas happening.

Mephala: Me either.

Mehrunes Dagon: I agree.

Peryite: Can I host a cleaning show?

Sanguine: That’s the last thing you need!

Vaernima: I could do a…

==End of Day Five==