Capsized, My new fan fiction. Options

[Kiln]

Alright guys I know its short but bear with me here eh?
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Prologue
I dreamt of Cyrodill and the cool cobblestone streets of the Imperial City. As I walked toward the city gates, the oil lanterns illuminated the many buildings, shops, and people rushing about, giving the city its own unique personality. Brightly colored flowers filled gardens and massive trees overlooked the city from outside the walls. I took a step outside the massive gates of the city and looked toward the woodland nearby, hardly able to see it because of the mist filling the air. In the distance a deer crashed through the brush in the forest as it attempted to evade the graceful mountain lion. Birds and squirrels were stirred from their nests by the noise below. My wife came up from behind and rested her hand on my shoulder lovingly, looking off into the distance with me . I smiled happily and inhaled the fresh air of the city calmly, then I woke.

Chapter 1: Arrival
The huge oak ship creaked and rocked violently around me as crates and barrels in the hold collided and shook, attempting to break free from the ropes securing them to the floor. I sat up and looked at the dirty bedroll on the floor beneath me, unsure of what is going on. My head was overwhelmed with an intense sharp pain. I grabbed the back of my head and felt the bump where I'd been hit but I couldn't remember why or how I'd even arrived there.

I shook off the confusion and attempted to stand but the storm shook the ship fiercely, causing me to fall to the floor once again. I could hear muffled shouting on the level above me as rain fell into the cargo hold through the open hatch at the end of the corridor. As I lay there, a large amount of water rolled inside the trap door and washed over me, soaking my entire body and filling my mouth with ice cold saltwater. I spat the water onto the floor and grabbed a thin blanket from the corner, wrapping myself with it in an attempt to stay warm. I forced myself to stand and began to make my way toward the trap door leading to the next level, staying to the sides of the room and using the cargo to steady myself. One of the imperial guards climbed into the hatch right as I arrived and grabbed me by the shoulder, throwing me to the floor.

"Keep still prisoner, get back with the others!" He yelled over the sound of thunder and the whistling of the wind outside

"Man overboard!" Another voice yelled just outside

As I tried to get to my feet I heard wooden planks crack and splinter in the level below me. I was frozen with fear and I glanced behind me as water rushed in from the bottom deck.

"Breach on the port side!" A voice yelled as water consumed me

The ship popped and creaked as I struggled to stay above water. The ship began to tilt left slowly and then capsized without warning. I try to swim upward to the bubble of air left at the hull of the ship but a strong current dragged me outside into the deadly waters. I finally made it to the top of the water and took a breath, grabbing a floating barrel desperately. I screamed for help in fear as I listed to the screams of the other men as they search for something to grab hold of but weren't successful.

Though the brutal ocean waves threw me into the air and plunged me back into the freezing water I still held tightly onto the barrel, refusing to be devoured by the dark sea around me. I looked around briefly before each time I was plunged into the ocean praying for land. The screams of the ship’s crew became silent and I could no longer see the hull of the ship floating above the water. I was thrown about for hours before the storm dissipated and I finally saw land. I let go of the barrel and was washed ashore a muddy beach minutes later. I looked around weakly, I could see buildings that looked similar to imperial design but no people walked near them and no lanterns lit the streets. No wall separated it from the world outside and no guards patrolled the alleys.

"Please help." I stutter hoarsely

I begin to cough and choke from the cold, my stomach felt as if it were still turning circles inside me, and I was exhausted. I could stay conscious no more so I rolled onto my side and passed out, cold and alone.

This post has been edited by Kiln: Aug 21 2008, 09:56 PM

[Skillgannon]

Same as above. There are certain bits where the character begins something in present tense and finishes it in past tense e.g. I spit the water onto the floor and grabbed a thin blanket from the corner, wrapping myself with it in an attempt to stay warm.
Spit might work better as spat, or grabbed as I grab.
Other than that its horribly realistic, your descriptions of drowning/submersion in water are enough to make me almost forget to remember to breathe. I love the line before the one i mentioned especially this bit- 'filling my mouth with ice cold saltwater' -it sounds just right.
Well done.
Is this an ongoing project?

[Kiln]

Same as above. There are certain bits where the character begins something in present tense and finishes it in past tense e.g. I spit the water onto the floor and grabbed a thin blanket from the corner, wrapping myself with it in an attempt to stay warm.
Spit might work better as spat, or grabbed as I grab.
Other than that its horribly realistic, your descriptions of drowning/submersion in water are enough to make me almost forget to remember to breathe. I love the line before the one i mentioned especially this bit- 'filling my mouth with ice cold saltwater' -it sounds just right.
Well done.
Is this an ongoing project?

Yeah its a work in progress that I started yesterday. Thanks for your comments everyone. I realize that some of the tenses are wrong and thats because I started in a completely different format. I first wrote the entire story in present tense then switched over to past tense afterwards because it didn't sound right to me written in that format.

[Skillgannon]

Yeah its a work in progress that I started yesterday. Thanks for your comments everyone. I realize that some of the tenses are wrong and thats because I started in a completely different format. I first wrote the entire story in present tense then switched over to past tense afterwards because it didn't sound right to me written in that format.

I know that feeling. But that kind of stuff is tougher to change than first thought, it can turn into a full redraft job.