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@ Acadian - Sheeeees Baaaaack! Thank you so much Acadian! You ROCK !!
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@ Zalphon - Thank you Zalphon! She had to come, it was inevitable. You can blame Winter Wolf, who hinted me into it, lol.
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@ Winter Wolf - Thank you very much Wolf, and I want you to know it was your hints that brought her here!!! I wasn't going to do it, but you got me missing her too badly, lol. Thank you Wolf !!!! You ROCK !!!!
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@ Destri Melarg - Thank you so much Destri! I just hope she can keep her old friends, but if she makes new ones - so much the better! Thanks again Destri!
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@ Treydog - (Houston, we have a problem?) - are you equating Maxical to trouble? ROFL !!! Thank you so very much Treydog!!!!
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The Orphanage
Memories of the orphanage; 3rd Era, years 417 - 421
Chapter 1: The Imperial Orphanage For The Un-adoptableI learned later that the Legion had listed me as “Two year old female, albino beast of unknown race.“
The Legion made their regulated period of attempts to find an adoptive home for me before I was transferred to the orphanage in the Imperial City Prison Compound. That’s where orphans considered “un-adoptable” were sent.
All the beast races end there, or any human too old to be considered cute. I wasn’t cute, and that “unknown albino beast” stamp on my papers would have scared off anyone who might have thought I was. They could have placed a mudcrab before I would have found a home with that label.
There was a certain look they'd get on their faces before slamming the door, a look I'll never forget. You don't have to understand the language to know rejection when you see it.
The Legion may not have known what race I was, but their attempts to place me are how I discovered that (despite the lack of a kingly snout or thick rug of fur) I was Khajiit. I spoke their language, and understood them instantly. Those were the worst rejections, maybe because I did understand what they were saying.
It was from them I learned that to superstitious Khajiit an albino is considered a jinx. My white fur frightened them. Even walking down the street Khajiit would cross to the other side, chanting “Vaba” under their breath to ward my ill spirit off them. Translated literally it means, “It is;” but when spoken by itself it means “Bad omen.”
I've never known why I looked different than other Khajiit, but growing up I hated being different. I remember as a child rubbing dirt into my fur in an attempt to look like them, to look normal.
Back then it was devastating to know I was hated by what should have been my own people. Looking back now, maybe they were right; because bad luck seems to have touched a lot of lives connected to mine.
Years later while eavesdropping I learned that Ma'Thjizzrini Qa roughly translated means "What the hell did we do to deserve this child." From that point on, I was glad that for all intents and purposes my name was legally changed on the day of my parent's death. I never used my given name again, and only those closest to me know it.
I’m not going to say that didn’t hurt at the time, it did. Eventually anger carried me through that kind of pain; but below the surface, deep inside me the scars remain of that time. Then you eavesdrop at the wrong time and learn the meaning of your given name.
Maybe it distorted my perspective, but sometimes when you hear that kind of label you begin to believe it is true. You either live up to it or get angry. I did both.
*******
The Imperial Orphanage For The Un-adoptable. The name alone strips everything from you, disintegrates hope that your life will ever be any different than it is right now walking through those gates. A chill of fear shivered over me as the gate thud shut and the bars clanged across behind me.
In front of me were cold gray stone walls lined with barred windows. In several were grimy bleak faces peering out. Prisoners. On my left the upper windows weren't barred. No curtains hung, but children were peering out as I was led in. Their expressions were the same bleak hopelessness as the prisoner's, and their faces were just as grimy.
Those gates sealed out all hope of having a life, a family; I could see that in both the children's and prisoner's eyes, and feel it looking at those high sheer walls. They blocked any view that might fuel dreams of a different life.
In this place the orphans were labeled and sentenced just like the prisoners, they shared an identity with them. The apathy and resignation was tangible from both. They'd stopped caring because nothing they did good or bad mattered once those gates sealed shut; they were here till their sentence ended. For us orphans that was when we turned eighteen.
Most ended returning here on the prison side of the compound for stealing food to survive, unable to find work with no skill training. For some the crime was a means to get back here to the only place they understood...the only people that understood them.
What I learned rapidly about being an orphan here at the Compound, they are tightly bound to each other as a family once you are accepted into their fold. They take care of their own. There was a regular swiping of food that was carried out in midnight stealth missions to any of our orphans that ended up on the prison side.
Getting accepted by the Compound orphans was nearly impossible when I first arrived. Not speaking Cyrodiilic didn't help. There was a hierarchy, and beasts were at the bottom of it. Beasts that were also freakishly different than the rest of their race rated even lower than that. Friends didn't come easily at first.
The exception to that was the Khajiit girl that came into the Legion office that day, Nisaba. She very quickly became my dearest friend. Nissy spoke in my tongue, Ta'agra; and was the only one there who understood me when I first arrived. Somewhere deep inside me the Cyrodiilic resonated familiarly, and with Nissy's help I learned to speak it quickly.
***Nissy either had an amazing memory or was great at making up stories. Although she'd only been a little over two years old at the time, Nissy remembered her own father dropping her off at the orphanage. She said it was a day she would never forget, and planned to search for her father when she was released from the orphanage. She never said what she'd do when she found him.
Nissy also said she remembered me; that we'd been raised like sisters by my mother because her mother had died birthing her. She only had scanty and limited glimpses of memories of my mother, but remembered she and I had shared a straw bed on the floor of a cave; and remembered us playing and tumbling with each other in the grass outside the cave entrance while my mother washed clothes and dishes in the nearby river.
I didn't remember Nissy, or any of the glimpses of memories she shared. She may have been making it up. A lot of us in the orphanage played that game, so badly wanting a family to claim as theirs, one that wouldn't drop you off here and walk away. l did, wanted it so desperately that I clung to Nissy's imagined memories.
"Tell me everything you can remember about my mother, what was she like?"
"Ma'Thjizzrini Qa, how can you have forgotten?"
"I don't know, Nissy. I don't remember anything, not even what my mother looks like."
"Well, all I remember is that she had yellow eyes, and long hair the color of strawberries and wheat."
"What color is that?"
"I don't know, you'll know it if you see it. She cried the day Papa took me away to bring me here, so did you."
I struggled to believe it, wanted badly to believe it. Something to say I did have a life before that Legion office. What convinced me more than anything was that she had recognized me, knew my name that day in the Legion office. I don't look like any other Khajiit on Nirn. I prodded her to tell me everything she could about it.
"Why did he take you away?"
"There was a row, your father and mine were yelling about something. Then my father took me away and brought me here."
"What were they fighting about?"
"I don't know. Papa said your father's soul was as black as his fur." Nissy's face puckered with the memory.
"My father was a black Khajiit?"
"He was black as the night, I can't believe you don't remember him, Ma'Thjizzrini Qa."
I had a sudden memory of the men in that Legion office saying something about a man with fur as black as coal. That moment was the first time I realized that it really was my parents they'd been discussing that day.
The shield of abstractness was shattered, taking with it any lingering belief that by some horrible mistake I'd been in the company of two strangers that day; the hope that my real parents would come for me soon. That was the moment I realized that I was really an orphan. Inside myself it felt like that front gate to the Compound thudding shut again.
***Knowing my parents were really dead made me that much more desperate to learn all I could of them.
"Tell me about my father."
"He was huge, much bigger than Papa. I remember being scared of him, thought he was a giant. He never smiled, and had a way of looking at everyone that made my insides feel like we'd better obey him."
"What was his name?"
"Uncle S'Van...Uncle S'Vandera...I can't remember."
"What about my mother, what was her name?"
Nissy shrugged. "Maman is all I know. We both called her that."
Nissy and I did become as close as sisters after that. Even after she'd told me every memory she had of that time I continued to hound her to keep repeating it, and absorbed everything she said in hopes it would jog my own memories. It never did.
It was many months before my Cyrodiilic was understandable enough that the other orphans were beginning to talk to me, months of belief in Nissy's stories before they were shattered.
"You idiot, can't you count to two?" One of the older Altmer girls held up her hand with two fingers sticking up. "You see my fingers? This is how old you are. Nissy has been at the Compound three years, since before you were even born. She couldn't have known you on the outside, she is lying to you."
"But she knew things they said in that office."
"Everyone here does. We all know about a minotaur killing your parents, and your temper."
"How?"
"Eavesdropping, idiot. Nothing is secret in this place."
I was crushed. Maybe I should have known all along it couldn't be true. I never told Nissy I knew it was a lie, but never asked her about my parents again after that.
It was hard to be mad at Nissy for those stories when they gave me the thing I wanted more than anything on Nirn, to know I existed before that day in the Legion office. I wanted to believe it all as badly as she wanted a family to cling to. We both needed each other. I couldn't have endured living at the orphanage without her.
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This post has been edited by mALX: Aug 3 2013, 09:47 AM