Castle Ravenmist, A Psychological Thriller Story Options

[Zalphon]

Prologue

Thirty-Three years before the Oblivion Crisis

The biting cold of Skyrim was like fire. Lord Alu'Kar punched his servant for taking so long to bring him some Flin. All the servants of Castle Ravenmist were Dunmer. Lord Alu'Kar had long, ebon hair that fell to his shoulder blades. His skin was ashen gray and his eyes were blood red. He wore black boots, black pants, a black shirt, black gloves, and a black cloak.

His consort walked up to him. She had fiery red hair, light gray skin, and crimson eyes. Alu'Kar gently kissed her lips and whispered, "Go to bed, tend Zalphon, I'll be to bed in an hour." He sat at the hearth, staring into the dancing embers and growing flame. He sipped his Flin.

He walked out and mounted his Magical Steed. He was riding to Icewind Village, to collect his investments. Suddenly he was knocked off his horse. He was stunned and laid on the ground. Walking up to him was a person in black robes, a black hood, and a black scarf. The only part of his body that could be seen was the bridge of his gray nose and his scarlet eyes. "You've lived like a lord for many years, Alu'Kar," The Dark-Clad Dunmer whispered. "You've been cruel to your servants..."

Alu'Kar was freezing in the snow. "Th-They're servants, a step above slaves," He retorted. "Now what do you want, money, power, Skooma?" His voice confident, but he stuttered due to his shivering in the freezing cold of the snow of Skyrim.

The Dunmer said with his raspy voice, "You to feel their agony." He rest his hand on the chest of Lord Alu'Kar and muttered under his breath. Alu'Kar's vision faded to blackness. He was unconscious...

[Destri Melarg]

I understand that this is the story of how the relationship between Quick-Strike and Lord Alu’Kar developed. I also gather from your post that there will be some detail given to Quick-Strike’s past. Given that, it might not be fair to give a critique based on the first few chapters, and if there is something that I misunderstand or just plain don’t get, then I apologize in advance.

First, everything about this story feels rushed. I would like to have seen you give us more detail. In the prologue we can infer that it is night by the comments Lord Alu'Kar makes to his consort. Yet he decides to travel, alone, and aboard a 'Magical Steed', to rouse the villagers of Icewind Village in order to collect on his ‘investments’. I assume he is waylaid on the road, but by your description it could have happened in the courtyard.

In chapter one you have Quick-Strike reveal his most secretive and personal detail within seconds of meeting Alu’Kar. I doubt that even ‘former’ shadowscales would be so quick to volunteer such information about themselves, especially to a complete stranger whose name they don’t even know. Even if he did it to gain the confidence and trust of Alu’Kar because he didn’t want to attempt escape alone, it still felt rushed.

In chapter two, where did the boulder that broke Quick Strike’s left arm come from? It seems fairly obvious that you have plans for the broken wing in the chapters to come, but the boulder that caused the havoc seemed to be placed there as a convenience instead of as an organic part of the story. Is Lord Drad’s estate built around a quarry? What is the nature of the work that they are forced to do?

Having read The Knight I know the high level of talent you bring to your writing. While I think you have an interesting premise and I already like the characters thanks to your other story, this one feels like it could have stayed on the keyboard a little longer.