Listen To THe Sound Of The Ashlands, Chapter 1->The Return Options

[Fiach]

Note: This is my first bit of serious fan-fiction, so please be patient with me xD
I would really appreciate it if whoever reads this give me their opinion on the story, as well as any ways that I can improve, which is something that I'm very passionate about.
But without any delay, let's begin.

Prologue

“So you’re planning to go through with it?” Sul-Matuul asked.

“Yes”

The old Ashlander sighed, his hand moving slowly against his withered face.
For a moment I began to pity the old mer. Age had paled his dark skin to the point that it was nearly like that of a imperial, his red eyes turning blank with his years.

He was sitting near the centre of his yurt, his body in its squatted form somewhat resembling an old flower. But he still held his staff proudly, and carried his head high with grace. Well at least he did before I entered his yurt this cold Last seed morning.

“I would like you to reconsider” Sul-Matuul said. With a groan I sat down beside him, my fingers playing with the dusty floor. “I don’t think I can this time my friend” I whispered, “I’ve been here for nearly 5 years, I’ve done a lot here but Morrowind....it just doesn’t need me anymore..”

Sul-Matuul slammed his fist against the ground, but I tried not to flinch, “don’t be foolish Lord Nerevarine” he growled, revealing a mouthful of yellow teeth. “You have so much more to do here, Morrowind is your home, and it’s where you’re destined to be!”

Sadly, I shook my head. “Everything will be ok Sul, I mean with you, Vivec....”
“Vivec is a traitor and a fool” He spat, “He should have had the decency to kill himself the day the others fell.”
I shook my head and rose from the ground. “He has the best interests of Morrowind in mind Sul.” I whispered. “The boat to Akavir will be leaving tomorrow... I have to be on my way.”
“Nerevarine!” Sul-Matuul growled, “Morrowind needs you, please don’t abandon her.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but then I noticed droplets of water against the dusty floor. The old mer was crying.

My courage failed and without another word, I turned around and opened up the small yurt skin door, into the world beyond.
As I travelled along the coastline I began to feel the thud of my heartbeat against my throat, a feeling that had escaped me for so long, Excitement and adventure.
I suppose I should tell you a little of myself before I begin my true story, although most of it I’m sure you already know.

My real name is Furan Saris, and I was born in Highrock, according to the local priests there, my mother was an ashlander who fled morrowind, but since she died when I was born, I guess I can’t really be sure. I was taken in by the local chapel of the nine divines, an experience that thankfully, I’ll never go through again. I learned to read and write, but at the cost of my dignity. I was trapped there, at least until he came to see me.
A man arrived at our village one foggy morning, he was a mage, but one that was not connected to any of the local guilds. It was safe to say that he caused a bit of a commotion in the town. He used his magic to entertain, summoning ponies and warriors that arrived in a plume of fire, his mana stirring and creating wonders before my very eyes. I spent days begging him to take me on as an apprentice, as a means to escape this life. The old man, who saw my mana levels agreed.

We left, I learned what I needed to learn, but after less than 4 years my master caught a chill and died. Magic stopped being an idle fancy and more of a means to survive, I was skilled at illusion and acrobatics, which helped me pilfer items from some of highrocks finest. But one night I tried to steal from a mage and I was caught.
Beginning my journey to Morrowind, which started the story every dunmer child grows up learning, the tale of the battle of the red mountain.

To foreigners of our shores this is where the story of the Nerevarine ends, the oblivion crisis set in and people forgot about the land of the dunmer people.
But I think that it is time that I continued the story.

The story of when the Nerevarine returned.

This post has been edited by Fiach: Feb 26 2010, 11:14 PM

[haute ecole rider]

Fiach, you have some seriously good stuff going on here. The last two chapters have been great in the sense of history (character-wise as well as world-wise) and compelling to read.

A couple of nits (okay, more than a couple):

At the beginning of the first of the two chapters:
[quote]I’m walking through the undergrowth, tree branches brushing past my limbs like the demented claws of a madman.
My guide is ahead of me, a Tsaesci who moved shakily through the wilds as if he feared every shadow beneath him.

I tried my best to ignore it though; the jungles had enough dangers without adding imaginary ones to the mix.[/quote]
You changed the verb tense here - it makes things confusing. I think you started out one way, then caught yourself, fixed it, and that first paragraph escaped your review.

From the same chapter:
[quote]“I found you in the jungle?” he hissed in broken cyrodiilic,[/quote]
Should that be a question? or rather a statement? The question mark seems a little out of place here. Also consider capitalizing cyrodiilc/Cyrodiilic.

Later in the same chapter:
[quote]humans 5 fingered hands.[/quote]
Human's is missing its apostrophe (possessive form); and for the purposes of writing fiction, it reads easier to write out numerals (short ones, anyway) like this: five-fingered hands.

[quote]a little Tsaesci girl was by the fire,but began moving quickly beside him when she saw us, her blue scaled gleaming as Haeil picked her up and gave up a hug.[/quote]
Looks like Wanobe stole the space after the comma in the first, and did you mean scales in the second?

[quote]“I wasn’t scared, you can even teach me how to fight now” She looked up at him hopefully,[/quote]
Seems to me the comma that belongs before the closing quote in the first jumped to the end and kicked off the period that belongs there.

This chapter was a powerful one-two punch, though - how Furan met Haeil and how they became such good friends. The description of the Oblivion Gate and the loss of the lovely little Wanobe is hard to beat for drama and tragedy.

Moving on to the second chapter:
I see that you are missing commas or periods before your closing quotes - keep an eye on that.
[quote]"about 5 minutes walking and you'll find your 'Sadrith Mora'" he whispered.[/quote]
Also, about needs capitalization, and again, 5 would read better as five.

[quote]giving him the ceremonial bow of the Telvanni. right arm lifted and head bowed lower then your superior.[/quote]
Looks like the period that was kicked off by the comma in the previous chapter got its revenge here. I feel the comma needs to come back. Oh, and outstanding description of a little bit of body language here, that conveys more than is spoken.

[quote]Haeil shook his hand and handed him a few cold pieces and Without another word we went our seperate ways.[/quote]
Cold should be gold, right? (though gold can be cold, oh well); Without does not need capitalization here; and it's spelled separate.

[quote]Nothin grew along the ground showing that the attacklers put salt into the soil after they burnt it... the argonians really hated the Telvanni by the looks of things.[/quote]
Nothing lost its ending g; the attackers picked up an l, and the argonians forgot to capitalize themselves. OTOH, this is a powerful sentence that sums up the savagery of the attack.

[quote]I opened my mouth tpo say something before I saw a shape move along the plains,[/quote]
I believe you meant to, not a medical procedure; and it seems the comma has again trounced the period at the end of the sentence.

[quote]And were greeted by 8 hooded men[/quote]
Again, reads better as eight hooded men.

[quote]the last thing I heard was Haeil shouting, the sound of his blades being unsheated.[/quote]
the needs capitalization, and unsheathed is missing its h.

[quote]"Abigail." I murmered with a smile, I didn't know what was going to happen to me...but as long as I saw her as I did now with her unbound brown hair and emerald eyes,]her right hand that moved softly against my cheek.
I would not care.[/quote]
It's murmured. And I think it reads better as: but as long as I saw her as I did now, with her unbound brown hair and emerald eyes, her right hand that moved softly against my cheek, I would not care. I replaced the period with a comma between cheek and I.
And let me say this was a powerful ending to a chapter full of action and adrenaline. It left me more than a little bug-eyed and open-mouthed. Wow!

I know this seems like a lot of nits, but the whole thing was so well imagined, with outstanding content, I felt it needed polishing to make it pretty damn near perfect. I'm one of those people who are easily distracted by technical glitches. I also know, as a writer, how hard it is to look at something I've written and see every nit. We always miss one or two or more. That's why we need editors!

Keep this up, Fiach. I want to see what happens next. I want to know more about Abigail. I want to see more of Haeil. And I want to know what Furan is going to do.