Riden Snowe's Journal of Cyrodiil, What happens when Riden embarks to Cyrodiil after 10 years in service? Options

[DarkZerker]

This is my first Oblivion fan fiction ever so...please help me get better at TES writing? I'm a natural writer in normal topics but not fan fictions. This story will be have references to Midas Magics and Bladesong. Along with some weapon mods and an armor mod.

Chapter One, Beginning

I was positioned at the hilltops for another assault on a fort taken over by marauders over near Skyrim. I sighed as nearly a hundred Legion soldiers charged head first, not caring for their safety. The marauder archers made quick work of any would be heroes. I held my hand up, waiting for an opportunity to unleash our barrage of spells.

I motioned my platoon to let loose. I myself cast a very powerful spell that unleashes a giant fireball that plumes up. I believe it's called Aurum Nuclear blast. The resulting barrage of spells caused the marauders on the top of the fortress to either die by spells or jump from the fire and die.

Either way, due to my platoon, we emerged victorious. Now then, about me and my platoon.

My parents are both deceased but they left me some valuable things. Firstly, my father was of the Imperial Legion. He fought for good. He kept trying to hammer that into my head but the absent term of Good and the biased term of evil is foreign to me. But anyways...my mother was an alchemist of no small talent. She could cook up potions left and right within a single day. I was more inclined to the teachings of my mother, who taught me various alchemical tricks and even how to create poisons when I was old enough. Although my father did teach me many things about the blade, some that even saved my life.

My father was killed by a band marauders on a particular raid. Due to his death, my mother started to become overly paranoid. She stopped alchemy and went for the more powerful and dangerous magics. It's known as Midas Magics or Spells of Aurum. For over five years, she taught me every spell there was. But after I learned all the spells, she started to go insane from all the alchemy she had to do to produce the spells. In a year, she died from the alchemical poisoning of the spells. But before she died, she gave me a family sword. Gwilth, a light blue Katana with daedric magics carved into the blade.

About me? I'm an Imperial purebred since both my parents were Imperials. I'm trained in many different techniques of both the blade and magics. My name is Riden Snowe. A very unusual name but I like it and I'll stick to it. I have a very exotic armor called Tyrael Armor. It's beautifully carved from ebony and enchanted to make it very durable. You would think that I'm part of the Mage's Guild right? Well absolutely not. I hate the Mage's Guild and wish to see it destroyed.

When my mother was teaching me Midas spells, she was verbally abused by many of the Mage's Guild for teaching a child unorthodox magics. That is until she got tired of it and turned one of them into a sheep.

Ugh, I'm rambling. Well now, about my platoon. The Imperial Legion was more than happy to make the magics I practice legal outside the Mage's Guild so long as I helped them. At first it was just giving support to the troops on the ground but now...I lead my own siege platoon. All of them are experienced mages but none were taught the Midas Magics because personally, I don't trust any of my idiot comrades to wield such magics.
Fan fiction end. I know it's bad but it's the beginning and well...this is my first.

[SubRosa]

Hi Zerker. Welcome to Chorrol.

You have an interesting character in Riden Snow (would his evil twin brother raised by Daedra be named Walker Raine? ), with a rather unique background and abilities. All are intriguing enough to make me want to see more.

However, as Acadian mentioned, this entry was mostly an infodump, and not much of an actual story. You did not need to tell us all of that about Riden, Midas Magic, his parents, etc... I think it would have worked much better if you concentrated on the battle, and just thrown in a few tidbits here and there about the other things. There is no hurry for us to find out everything. In fact, revealing a bit at at time tends to make the reader continue to want more, and stay more engaged.

Most of all try to show us things, rather than tell us. For example, rather than tell us that Riden has not taught the other members of his unit Midas Magic, it would be better to have one of the others ask him "hey boss, when are you going to teach us that stuff?". This way the information flows naturally from the story, rather than feeling forced. Or rather than tell us that his mother went mad, show it to us when one of Riden's rivals in the legion taunts him with that.

The last thing that comes to mind is that I would suggest you stay away from modern terms like nuclear, or platoon. They do not sound like something from a fantasy swords/sorcery setting. Try to use the kind of terms you might hear in a Tolkien movie. Or pull them from ancient or medieval history. Such as warband, or conroi. That will keep your reader's head firmly in the setting.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Jul 12 2010, 09:08 PM