Riden Snowe's Journal of Cyrodiil, What happens when Riden embarks to Cyrodiil after 10 years in service? Options

[DarkZerker]

This is my first Oblivion fan fiction ever so...please help me get better at TES writing? I'm a natural writer in normal topics but not fan fictions. This story will be have references to Midas Magics and Bladesong. Along with some weapon mods and an armor mod.

Chapter One, Beginning

I was positioned at the hilltops for another assault on a fort taken over by marauders over near Skyrim. I sighed as nearly a hundred Legion soldiers charged head first, not caring for their safety. The marauder archers made quick work of any would be heroes. I held my hand up, waiting for an opportunity to unleash our barrage of spells.

I motioned my platoon to let loose. I myself cast a very powerful spell that unleashes a giant fireball that plumes up. I believe it's called Aurum Nuclear blast. The resulting barrage of spells caused the marauders on the top of the fortress to either die by spells or jump from the fire and die.

Either way, due to my platoon, we emerged victorious. Now then, about me and my platoon.

My parents are both deceased but they left me some valuable things. Firstly, my father was of the Imperial Legion. He fought for good. He kept trying to hammer that into my head but the absent term of Good and the biased term of evil is foreign to me. But anyways...my mother was an alchemist of no small talent. She could cook up potions left and right within a single day. I was more inclined to the teachings of my mother, who taught me various alchemical tricks and even how to create poisons when I was old enough. Although my father did teach me many things about the blade, some that even saved my life.

My father was killed by a band marauders on a particular raid. Due to his death, my mother started to become overly paranoid. She stopped alchemy and went for the more powerful and dangerous magics. It's known as Midas Magics or Spells of Aurum. For over five years, she taught me every spell there was. But after I learned all the spells, she started to go insane from all the alchemy she had to do to produce the spells. In a year, she died from the alchemical poisoning of the spells. But before she died, she gave me a family sword. Gwilth, a light blue Katana with daedric magics carved into the blade.

About me? I'm an Imperial purebred since both my parents were Imperials. I'm trained in many different techniques of both the blade and magics. My name is Riden Snowe. A very unusual name but I like it and I'll stick to it. I have a very exotic armor called Tyrael Armor. It's beautifully carved from ebony and enchanted to make it very durable. You would think that I'm part of the Mage's Guild right? Well absolutely not. I hate the Mage's Guild and wish to see it destroyed.

When my mother was teaching me Midas spells, she was verbally abused by many of the Mage's Guild for teaching a child unorthodox magics. That is until she got tired of it and turned one of them into a sheep.

Ugh, I'm rambling. Well now, about my platoon. The Imperial Legion was more than happy to make the magics I practice legal outside the Mage's Guild so long as I helped them. At first it was just giving support to the troops on the ground but now...I lead my own siege platoon. All of them are experienced mages but none were taught the Midas Magics because personally, I don't trust any of my idiot comrades to wield such magics.
Fan fiction end. I know it's bad but it's the beginning and well...this is my first.

[Acadian]

I will apologize up front for the length of this. I also hope you will realize that my comments are simply those of another scribe - not anything definitive. So, please take them with a grain of salt and understand I am simply sharing thoughts with you. Let me organize my comments into three areas.

1. Plot decisions. I start here because I am hopelessly uninterested in plots and not very good with them. I read plots very simplistically and am easily lost. That is why I like the 'anchor' of familiarity that the world of TES provides when it is used as the basis for fanfic. I like the familiar locations and ways that things work on Nirn. My point here, is that you may certainly discard any comments I make on plot decisions.

I like mods within fanfic for logical things like adding saddlebags or bedrolls and other minor tweaks to the game provided a reasonable explanation is offered. You are obviously using some large mods that change the very nature of magic as we understand it in Tamriel. I must confess I don't understand the type of magic that Riden is using. TES has a fine magic system that I do understand though and I will probably gloss over things that very much diverge from that. Eating the products of reactors certainly diverges.

An awful lot of events happened in this chapter, with potentially massive impact. You certainly recounted what happened, but I don't feel I understand what Riden is thinking or feeling. That brings me to . . .

2. Character development. Unlike plot considerations, I am very comfortable in this arena. In fact, I am all about character-driven fanfic. The only disclaimer I will offer here is that I tend to overemphasize character development when I read (since I don't care that much about plots).

I generally could care little about the plot as long as it features an endearing protagonist. I'm not getting enough of what is going on inside Rinden's head for him to really grow on me yet. Yes, effectively presenting internal thoughts and dilemmas and such can be harder with a man than a woman as a character, but you have the great intimacy tool of using the first person. We really should be much deeper into his head. His actions should flow from, and be supported by, his internal thoughts - since you are using first person, we should be snooping in on that - a lot. I want to like and root for Riden, but I need more to work with. I am looking very much forward to the possibility that the introduction of Tess may lead to some richer character development.

3. Basic fiction mechanics. Here I'm talking simple things like word smithing and spelling and grammar and such. I'm pretty good in this area actually.

Your spelling and basic grammar are good - perhaps from experience writing outside the fiction arena. Let me use just a couple of representative examples from your story to hopefully illustrate the kind of things that numerous edits of your story before posting can smooth out:

I was confused by this statement but tried out some lightning spells and it worked perfectly, nothing changing. I shrugged it off and went out of the Imperial City, heading for Aleswell. I tried to conjure up a flying beast to use to ride into Aleswell but nothing. I tried harder and harder to no effect.

In this paragraph, all four sentences start with 'I'. This is something that us first person writers need to constantly watch for. Editing is where you should look for this. There are many ways of wording sentences so you don't have too many in close proximity with the same structure.

The morning was great. I ate a great breakfast and I'm getting ready for the walk to the shop!

Several problems here. I would avoid the use of 'great' two times in such close proximity. Beyond that, consider that 'great' is rather a throw away word that says little. Was the morning full of beautiful sunshine with not a cloud in the sky as butterflies danced in a gentle breeze? Don't tell us it was great - show us. Same with the breakfast - tell us what he had for breakfast. Sweet strawberries, fresh aromatic bread still warm from the oven, strips of still sizzling boar meat grilled with herbs, and a tankard of apple-berry juice - that is a great breakfast. Again, show us. Finally, you changed tenses here during the latter part of the second sentence. Since this is the finish to this chapter, I would have loved to hear why he seems enthusiastic to walk to the shop. This may have been a good time to show us what he was thinking, using what he was doing as merely the backdrop.

I hope all of that makes a touch of sense. I'm very much looking forward to meeting Tess!

This post has been edited by Acadian: Jul 16 2010, 09:03 PM