Riden's NEW Journal of Cyrodiil, The new version since my old one got wiped from my computer T_T Options

[DarkZerker]

Um so here I am. I was going to say one month but what the heck, I just started up Oblivion since my Oblivion save file and all my Microsoft Word files were wiped. Thank god I had both my Fallout 3 fan fiction saved on a USB so does my Oblivion ASSASSIN save file.

This is the new Riden Snowe as my new thumbnail and signature suggests. This was actually my first real roleplaying type character. An assassin based off the "Assassin's Creed" games(at least the armor and hidden blade). Since I have better writing skills, it will be better. Bladesong rewrite! Annoying but what the heck.

Chapter One, Corruption is the root of my money.

I looked down at my latest contract given to me by the corrupt Count Regulus of Bravil. Sipping some tea in the local tavern, I readied my weapons. As usual, the target was very paranoid. I couldn't get a good look on the man's face but during one of my stakeouts on a bench nearby, it was clear that he was an Argonian.

I sighed at the Count's racism to beastfolk but shrugged it off, the pay will be amazing. The Argonian started running and I raised an eyebrow.

Behind him were three people in armor flanking him. The Argonian stopped and started talking to them calmly. I didn't get a single word but it was clear what he wanted them to do, Attack anybody following him.

With a grumpy huff, I climbed my way up on the housetops and started following him from above. Even then, I had a few close calls as the man's bodyguards looked up occasionally. I had probably followed him for an hour before the bodyguards left. I got out my secret weapon, the Hidden Blade.

I jumped down a couple feet behind him. As I crept up, the bodyguards started to return. Noticing me, they yelled to the man, "Usheeja! Behind you!" But it was too late. I sank my knife in his throat and laid him down peacefully. I took off running with three very angry bodyguards behind me.

They were pretty determined to kill me. I spent probably a good thirty minutes trying to avoid them before I was boxed into a corner. One of the men swung his battle axe like a madman trying to make contact with me. After the display of madness, I realized that these guards were very unskilled.

Another one with a hammer rushed and came down at me with all his strength. With quick footing, I barely dodged the heavy lump of steel. With the huge power came a long recovery time. Enough for me to slash with my trusty sword, Gwilth. He fell while the other two guards started to question if attacking me was a good idea.

The one with the battle axe charged at me and slashed. Obviously not learning from his comrade, I jumped back and rushed forward with Gwilth. With a thrust, he also fell. The last one with the sword was smart enough to run. Feeling generous, I let him go.

After a small trek through the streets of Bravil, I headed to the castle. The guards immediately stopped me before the Count nodded to let me through. I whispered, "It's done."

The Count nodded and tried not to smile. He grabbed my arm and handed me a pouch with a letter in it. I greedily snatched the pouch and left. When I was safely back at the tavern, I opened the pouch. Inside was a huge pile of gold and a letter sitting on top of the mound. I grabbed the letter and started to read it.

Dear Riden Snowe,
I'm very happy to hear word of your success. I have no more contracts for you and the Dark Brotherhood is after my head since I'm contracting a rogue assassin instead of them. If you have any friends, I'll be more than willing to pay you an extra five hundred gold to bring them here to guard me. Oh and have fun with the 1000 gold I gave you.

Your client, Count Terentius

I smiled at the gold and threw out the letter to keep the "where did you get that gold" question a mystery. The gold weighed me down a bit but it didn't stop me from packing up my weapons and venturing back to the Imperial City, my base of operations.
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Yeah yeah, Kinda redundant and a bit short. Not to mention that the whole "Imperial City" thing was from my last story.

My roleplaying is pretty standard when it comes to the first chapter of my story or in game. I rushed QUITE A BIT. Took me a good 20 minutes to finish off this. Not long...

Remember to Read and Review. R&R

[Acadian]

I liked it!

There is still much to learn about your assassin, but he and his scribe have a light sense of humor that oddly seems to suit the assassin quite well. In fact it is kind of fun - an assassin story with sense of humor. That is the 'thing' or 'twist' that can make this work it seems.

Ok, what we need now, is a couple more things:
- More info on Riden. I don't believe we have really any physical description of him beyond a man with a scar on his head. No rush though, but perhaps gradually fill us in.

- Supporting characters that have some depth. So far, eveyone but Riden seems a little. . . flat and almost buffoonish. Surely you are going to want some of your characters like that, but oddly enough, we grow to like your main character more when he is interacting with full characters with rich personalities. Perhaps an old friend on the Waterfront with a very likeable personaltiy and shady past for example. I'm talking some solidly developed characters beyond Tess. Speaking of supporting characters. . . Tess. My guess is you will soon introduce her. She, of course is the best example of what I'm talking about, and I expect her to win our hearts as well as Riden's. She, combined with your first person pov and humor should help things along nicely.

If this seems like a lot to weave in, let me submit that you are moving things along at a very fast tempo. That is covering a load of ground in a single chapter. If you need to slow down, you have plenty of room to do it. Only you know what will turn out to be important in the long run. Those are the things that should get lots of attention and full development. Are any of these things/characters going to be important? Carbon, Adamus, Gwilth?

Another thing to consider is the assassin's targets. Killing some target is ok - whacking pixels. Killing a target that you have richly developed makes it a big event. Whether the target deserves it or not, developing the target makes his death emotional for the reader.

Ok, enough rambling. Please take all that with a grain of salt. What I really want to say is that this is GOOD! Well done, Zerker. I'm looking forward to going to Aleswell with our assassin.