Riden's NEW Journal of Cyrodiil, The new version since my old one got wiped from my computer T_T Options

[DarkZerker]

Um so here I am. I was going to say one month but what the heck, I just started up Oblivion since my Oblivion save file and all my Microsoft Word files were wiped. Thank god I had both my Fallout 3 fan fiction saved on a USB so does my Oblivion ASSASSIN save file.

This is the new Riden Snowe as my new thumbnail and signature suggests. This was actually my first real roleplaying type character. An assassin based off the "Assassin's Creed" games(at least the armor and hidden blade). Since I have better writing skills, it will be better. Bladesong rewrite! Annoying but what the heck.

Chapter One, Corruption is the root of my money.

I looked down at my latest contract given to me by the corrupt Count Regulus of Bravil. Sipping some tea in the local tavern, I readied my weapons. As usual, the target was very paranoid. I couldn't get a good look on the man's face but during one of my stakeouts on a bench nearby, it was clear that he was an Argonian.

I sighed at the Count's racism to beastfolk but shrugged it off, the pay will be amazing. The Argonian started running and I raised an eyebrow.

Behind him were three people in armor flanking him. The Argonian stopped and started talking to them calmly. I didn't get a single word but it was clear what he wanted them to do, Attack anybody following him.

With a grumpy huff, I climbed my way up on the housetops and started following him from above. Even then, I had a few close calls as the man's bodyguards looked up occasionally. I had probably followed him for an hour before the bodyguards left. I got out my secret weapon, the Hidden Blade.

I jumped down a couple feet behind him. As I crept up, the bodyguards started to return. Noticing me, they yelled to the man, "Usheeja! Behind you!" But it was too late. I sank my knife in his throat and laid him down peacefully. I took off running with three very angry bodyguards behind me.

They were pretty determined to kill me. I spent probably a good thirty minutes trying to avoid them before I was boxed into a corner. One of the men swung his battle axe like a madman trying to make contact with me. After the display of madness, I realized that these guards were very unskilled.

Another one with a hammer rushed and came down at me with all his strength. With quick footing, I barely dodged the heavy lump of steel. With the huge power came a long recovery time. Enough for me to slash with my trusty sword, Gwilth. He fell while the other two guards started to question if attacking me was a good idea.

The one with the battle axe charged at me and slashed. Obviously not learning from his comrade, I jumped back and rushed forward with Gwilth. With a thrust, he also fell. The last one with the sword was smart enough to run. Feeling generous, I let him go.

After a small trek through the streets of Bravil, I headed to the castle. The guards immediately stopped me before the Count nodded to let me through. I whispered, "It's done."

The Count nodded and tried not to smile. He grabbed my arm and handed me a pouch with a letter in it. I greedily snatched the pouch and left. When I was safely back at the tavern, I opened the pouch. Inside was a huge pile of gold and a letter sitting on top of the mound. I grabbed the letter and started to read it.

Dear Riden Snowe,
I'm very happy to hear word of your success. I have no more contracts for you and the Dark Brotherhood is after my head since I'm contracting a rogue assassin instead of them. If you have any friends, I'll be more than willing to pay you an extra five hundred gold to bring them here to guard me. Oh and have fun with the 1000 gold I gave you.

Your client, Count Terentius

I smiled at the gold and threw out the letter to keep the "where did you get that gold" question a mystery. The gold weighed me down a bit but it didn't stop me from packing up my weapons and venturing back to the Imperial City, my base of operations.
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Yeah yeah, Kinda redundant and a bit short. Not to mention that the whole "Imperial City" thing was from my last story.

My roleplaying is pretty standard when it comes to the first chapter of my story or in game. I rushed QUITE A BIT. Took me a good 20 minutes to finish off this. Not long...

Remember to Read and Review. R&R

[Acadian]

Acadian: Thanks for the advice. The assassinations are emotionless because well…Riden simply doesn’t care about the targets so far…but just wait.

Oh, I wasn't talking about Riden's reactions to killing. I was talking about the readers' reaction. The assassin, during his days of 'researching' his target can provide objective observations that develop the character of the target. Only if the target comes to life, will the reader care if they die - if that makes sense. Three examples, assuming that Riden will be practicing his profession in the future:

1. Do Riden's cool, trained observations of his target's words and deeds reveal the mark to be a spoiled young Dunmer who beats his horse, cheats merchants, curses at beggers and laments the fact that he cannot buy an Argonian as a slave in Cyrodiil? A silent blade on a dark night as he bleeds out on the cobblestones will elicit a reaction from the reader.

2. Is the target a middle-aged balding Breton who runs a store? Does he work hard every day and give a break to regular customers who have fallen on hard times? Does he let his stock boy go home early one day because it is the boy's birthday? Does he close up shop and take a small bunch of flowers home to his wife every night? One night, as his wife opens the door to greet him, an arrow pierces his back and flowers fill the air as his lifeless body lurches into the arms of his screaming widow. She falls to the ground, cradling his head and wailing loudly. That will elicit a reaction from the reader.

3. For a bizarre twist, take example two above and add the following: The widow looks up from the corpse of her husband and, with tearless eyes, she scans the empty rooftops across the deserted street. The corner of her mouth lifts into a smile as she says quietly, "Thank you assassin. Well worth the price." That will elicit a reaction from the reader.

Note that Riden's reaction or emotions do not even come into play here. Those are an entirely different matter.

*
Ok, on to the newest episode. This one was fun. I liked meeting Tess. I felt a little rushed, particularly as Riden solved the invisibility mystery. It was 'nice' to see Riden take some damage, revealing some vulnerability. One would not necessarily expect an assassin to be the greatest toe-to-toe fighter, and an orc is a formidable foe.

You asked about introducing POV changes. It certainly has some possibilities. While not common, some writers maintain a base 1p POV and then branch into other 3p POVs for different scenes. mALX is quite good at this. The forum here is definitely a good place to try that and see how it works. 3p can allow you to get into the heads of different characters and opens a world of possibilities. An assassination from the POV of the victim? Delicious.


A couple tiny technonits:

I rolled my eyes thinking if she greets all the customers with a excited voice as if they were her last.

I would change 'a' to 'an'.

She shook her head as if she’s trying to get rid of a distant memory, “No…I just feel a bit anxious about Jongeron’s arrival.”

You changed tense in the middle of the first sentence. Perhaps simply, 'She shook her head, as if trying to get rid of a distant memory, No…'

Arrgghh! I need to reduce the length of my comments.