Minx, A Fan-Fiction Options

[Zalphon]

I accidently reported the wrong one to be closed...

Prologue

I stared into the night sky; stars gleamed over the city of Anvil. I sat upon Benirus Manor. Clothed in my black-leather uniform with a black, hooded cloak, I stared at the sea. My older brother left for a career as an Imperial Soldier to Akavir. A long time ago they tried that, but the settlers were all killed by mysterious circumstances.

“You’re always waiting for him, Minx,” a voice whispered. I looked behind myself and noticed her. My friend, a khajiit smiled at me. Her eyes were dark and her fur was vibrant orange with ebony black stripes. Unlike most of her kind, she spoke like a normal citizen, probably due to the fact that she was raised by Imperials.

“I’ll never stop waiting for Fargoth. He always wanted to join the Legion and when he finally did,” I whimpered. “They were supposed to return six months ago.”

She hugged me and whispered, “Fargoth will return or my name isn’t Aunya.” Aunya always knew how to comfort me. The Khajiit was a few years older than me, but mentally it was as if she had been around for eras.

We lived in the five-hundred, twenty-fifth year of the fourth era, but Aunya could recite events back before the second era. I climbed down the Mansion and a well-dressed man fled past me. “Help me,” he shrieked as he fled. I looked and a group of Anvil guards charged after him.

I threw down some flash-powder to create smoke, but before I knew it they had me surrounded. The Guard Captain spit in my face and scowled. “You just helped the head of the Thieves’ Guild branch in Anvil escape,” he barked. “You sap-sucker, I’ll make sure you serve at least fifty years.”

Aunya was nowhere to be seen, she was always a non-confrontational type. One of the guards shoved me to the ground and hissed, “Poor sap-sucker, I can’t wait until Countess Alessia lets me enjoy you. Reman Septim holds no power in Anvil.”

He was right; Reman had no power in Anvil. It was lawless. Countess Alessia was a known member of the new Thieves’ Guild. The Thief Wars were occurring day-and-night; the guards were all servants of Alessia who held high rank in the new Thieves’ Guild also known as the Imperium Tong.

I felt a coarse, linen sack thrown over my head and cold, iron shackles shoved onto my wrists. For several minutes, they carried me. Various scents filled my nostrils as we walked, but the cold bit my flesh. After they tore the sack off me, I was in the dungeon. “You stopped the local Old Guild leader,” the Guard-Captain scowled. “You’ll suffer, for that, Sap-Sucker.”

I gulped. He really needed something to make his breath stop smelling like Nix-Hound feces. This man was insane; I could see it in his eyes. The Imperium Tong weren’t like the Old Guild. Aunya was an Old Guild member; she held the rank of Operative. The Guard-Captain exited with a smile.

The person across from me wore sackcloth pants. He thinning, gray hair and was thin. “I’ve been in here for five years, every day they’ll beat you like they have me. I got in here for insulting a ‘guard’ also known as an Imperium Tong Thug,” he coughed. “Listen Bosmer, my life is over. My body is broken, you’re just a girl. I picked the lock on my cell, when the guard comes by; I’m going to cause quite a ruckus. Snatch his keys, open your cell, and run. He’ll kill me, but you can still escape.”

This aging Imperial was going to give his life for mine. His nobility knew no bounds, I merely nodded. I needed to be patient for the plan to fall into place, and if I failed then I’d be as dead as him…

[Ornamental Nonsense]

I gulped. He really needed something to make his breath stop smelling like Nix-Hound feces.

I truly adore this line. You've got some really nice phrases like that throughout your work, and they make me smile, both because they're creative and downright humorous. I also like your characters quite a bit, and I'm waiting to see where you take them.

And now an observation for improvement:
Perhaps it's simply an editing oversight, but I've noticed that you frequently use commas where there should be periods, and sometimes vice versa, especially in dialogue. For instance, this section:

“I’ve been in here for five years, every day they’ll beat you like they have me. I got in here for insulting a ‘guard’ also known as an Imperium Tong Thug,” he coughed. “Listen Bosmer, my life is over. My body is broken, you’re just a girl. I picked the lock on my cell, when the guard comes by; I’m going to cause quite a ruckus. Snatch his keys, open your cell, and run. He’ll kill me, but you can still escape.”

Corrected, it would look like this:
"I've been in here for five years. Every day they'll beat you like they have me. I got in here for insulting a 'guard', also known as an Imperium Tong Thug," he coughed. "Listen, Bosmer: (or you could just use a period here, but I don't think that's as effective.) my life is over. My body is broken. You're just a girl. I picked the lock on my cell. When the guard comes by, I'm going to cause quite a ruckus. Snatch his keys. Open your cell, and run. He'll kill me, but you can still escape."

I realize that a lot of people make mistakes along the lines of "Listen Bosmer", but whenever there's a form of address in a sentence like that, there needs to be comma before the name/title being used. I hope that you don't think of this as nitpicking, because these things really do affect the story. Even when the meaning of your words is clear, it makes the writing look unpolished. And again, perhaps you simply wrote the chapter very quickly, but these little mistakes add up for a reader, and they distract from a worthwhile story.

I look forward to seeing more from you.