Riden's NEW Journal of Cyrodiil, The new version since my old one got wiped from my computer T_T Options

[DarkZerker]

Um so here I am. I was going to say one month but what the heck, I just started up Oblivion since my Oblivion save file and all my Microsoft Word files were wiped. Thank god I had both my Fallout 3 fan fiction saved on a USB so does my Oblivion ASSASSIN save file.

This is the new Riden Snowe as my new thumbnail and signature suggests. This was actually my first real roleplaying type character. An assassin based off the "Assassin's Creed" games(at least the armor and hidden blade). Since I have better writing skills, it will be better. Bladesong rewrite! Annoying but what the heck.

Chapter One, Corruption is the root of my money.

I looked down at my latest contract given to me by the corrupt Count Regulus of Bravil. Sipping some tea in the local tavern, I readied my weapons. As usual, the target was very paranoid. I couldn't get a good look on the man's face but during one of my stakeouts on a bench nearby, it was clear that he was an Argonian.

I sighed at the Count's racism to beastfolk but shrugged it off, the pay will be amazing. The Argonian started running and I raised an eyebrow.

Behind him were three people in armor flanking him. The Argonian stopped and started talking to them calmly. I didn't get a single word but it was clear what he wanted them to do, Attack anybody following him.

With a grumpy huff, I climbed my way up on the housetops and started following him from above. Even then, I had a few close calls as the man's bodyguards looked up occasionally. I had probably followed him for an hour before the bodyguards left. I got out my secret weapon, the Hidden Blade.

I jumped down a couple feet behind him. As I crept up, the bodyguards started to return. Noticing me, they yelled to the man, "Usheeja! Behind you!" But it was too late. I sank my knife in his throat and laid him down peacefully. I took off running with three very angry bodyguards behind me.

They were pretty determined to kill me. I spent probably a good thirty minutes trying to avoid them before I was boxed into a corner. One of the men swung his battle axe like a madman trying to make contact with me. After the display of madness, I realized that these guards were very unskilled.

Another one with a hammer rushed and came down at me with all his strength. With quick footing, I barely dodged the heavy lump of steel. With the huge power came a long recovery time. Enough for me to slash with my trusty sword, Gwilth. He fell while the other two guards started to question if attacking me was a good idea.

The one with the battle axe charged at me and slashed. Obviously not learning from his comrade, I jumped back and rushed forward with Gwilth. With a thrust, he also fell. The last one with the sword was smart enough to run. Feeling generous, I let him go.

After a small trek through the streets of Bravil, I headed to the castle. The guards immediately stopped me before the Count nodded to let me through. I whispered, "It's done."

The Count nodded and tried not to smile. He grabbed my arm and handed me a pouch with a letter in it. I greedily snatched the pouch and left. When I was safely back at the tavern, I opened the pouch. Inside was a huge pile of gold and a letter sitting on top of the mound. I grabbed the letter and started to read it.

Dear Riden Snowe,
I'm very happy to hear word of your success. I have no more contracts for you and the Dark Brotherhood is after my head since I'm contracting a rogue assassin instead of them. If you have any friends, I'll be more than willing to pay you an extra five hundred gold to bring them here to guard me. Oh and have fun with the 1000 gold I gave you.

Your client, Count Terentius

I smiled at the gold and threw out the letter to keep the "where did you get that gold" question a mystery. The gold weighed me down a bit but it didn't stop me from packing up my weapons and venturing back to the Imperial City, my base of operations.
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Yeah yeah, Kinda redundant and a bit short. Not to mention that the whole "Imperial City" thing was from my last story.

My roleplaying is pretty standard when it comes to the first chapter of my story or in game. I rushed QUITE A BIT. Took me a good 20 minutes to finish off this. Not long...

Remember to Read and Review. R&R

[Destri Melarg]

Hello ‘Zerker. I have just finished reading Riden’s tale and I know you want some R&R so here it comes:

First I need to address some of your pre-chapter comments. Telling us you’re writing something only because you’re bored is like telling us that you’re speaking to us only for want of something better to do. It’s condescending and it doesn’t ingratiate you to new readers. Likewise telling us that you spent a whopping three hours to write a chapter isn’t very productive either. Many writers spend weeks or months writing and revising a single chapter and still don’t end up happy with it.

Now onto the story:

Even though he is an assassin, I find myself liking Riden. That is not an easy thing to do. I do think that you need to slow down the frequency with which you post. Effective fiction is not something you ‘get the hang of’ in a few days, weeks, or months. Acadian and Winter Wolf have given you some excellent advice that I see you incorporating into the story, kudos for taking their words to heart. The last few chapters read much smoother than the first few. Still, you could take their advice even further if you are willing to double or even triple the time you are now taking to re-write your work.

I think that there is an aspect of Riden’s personality that has developed over the course of the first six chapters that hasn’t really been focused on, the fact that he is something of a buffoon. From the very first chapter he discards the Count’s note that gives his name, his profession, and the fact that he is walking around with 1000 gold on his person to anyone in Cyrodiil who can read. Then he is not in the Imperial City for five minutes before Phillida and half of the Watch show up to arrest him. Phillida not only knows his name and his profession, but he also knows of his activities in the days prior to his arrival, even though he has not been focused on capturing Riden. Not exactly the ‘secretive assassin’ that we are used to seeing! Add that to the fact that Diram in Aleswell marks him as an assassin during the course of a single conversation, and the foresters know that he is an assassin the minute they lay eyes on him when they burst into Tess’ cabin. You can’t explain that away by saying that they are trackers. Trackers would be able to follow Riden’s trail to the cabin, but only if they are actively engaged in tracking Riden. What you have done is make these foresters psychic, which mirrors the behavior of guards in the game but doesn’t work from the standpoint of good fiction.

I don’t want you to take all of that the wrong way. Small inconsistencies aside, I think you have stumbled on an excellent way to develop a character who is an assassin while still keeping him likeable. It certainly makes him unique! There are times in the reading of your story that I am reminded of Inspector Jacques Clouseau or Agent Maxwell Smart, and I mean that as a compliment.

In closing I will tell you that I hope you keep going with this. And if you only take one thing from this critique I hope it’s the desire to slow down and take a LOT more time in re-writing your work.

And I will keep reading it.