Riden's NEW Journal of Cyrodiil, The new version since my old one got wiped from my computer T_T Options

[DarkZerker]

Um so here I am. I was going to say one month but what the heck, I just started up Oblivion since my Oblivion save file and all my Microsoft Word files were wiped. Thank god I had both my Fallout 3 fan fiction saved on a USB so does my Oblivion ASSASSIN save file.

This is the new Riden Snowe as my new thumbnail and signature suggests. This was actually my first real roleplaying type character. An assassin based off the "Assassin's Creed" games(at least the armor and hidden blade). Since I have better writing skills, it will be better. Bladesong rewrite! Annoying but what the heck.

Chapter One, Corruption is the root of my money.

I looked down at my latest contract given to me by the corrupt Count Regulus of Bravil. Sipping some tea in the local tavern, I readied my weapons. As usual, the target was very paranoid. I couldn't get a good look on the man's face but during one of my stakeouts on a bench nearby, it was clear that he was an Argonian.

I sighed at the Count's racism to beastfolk but shrugged it off, the pay will be amazing. The Argonian started running and I raised an eyebrow.

Behind him were three people in armor flanking him. The Argonian stopped and started talking to them calmly. I didn't get a single word but it was clear what he wanted them to do, Attack anybody following him.

With a grumpy huff, I climbed my way up on the housetops and started following him from above. Even then, I had a few close calls as the man's bodyguards looked up occasionally. I had probably followed him for an hour before the bodyguards left. I got out my secret weapon, the Hidden Blade.

I jumped down a couple feet behind him. As I crept up, the bodyguards started to return. Noticing me, they yelled to the man, "Usheeja! Behind you!" But it was too late. I sank my knife in his throat and laid him down peacefully. I took off running with three very angry bodyguards behind me.

They were pretty determined to kill me. I spent probably a good thirty minutes trying to avoid them before I was boxed into a corner. One of the men swung his battle axe like a madman trying to make contact with me. After the display of madness, I realized that these guards were very unskilled.

Another one with a hammer rushed and came down at me with all his strength. With quick footing, I barely dodged the heavy lump of steel. With the huge power came a long recovery time. Enough for me to slash with my trusty sword, Gwilth. He fell while the other two guards started to question if attacking me was a good idea.

The one with the battle axe charged at me and slashed. Obviously not learning from his comrade, I jumped back and rushed forward with Gwilth. With a thrust, he also fell. The last one with the sword was smart enough to run. Feeling generous, I let him go.

After a small trek through the streets of Bravil, I headed to the castle. The guards immediately stopped me before the Count nodded to let me through. I whispered, "It's done."

The Count nodded and tried not to smile. He grabbed my arm and handed me a pouch with a letter in it. I greedily snatched the pouch and left. When I was safely back at the tavern, I opened the pouch. Inside was a huge pile of gold and a letter sitting on top of the mound. I grabbed the letter and started to read it.

Dear Riden Snowe,
I'm very happy to hear word of your success. I have no more contracts for you and the Dark Brotherhood is after my head since I'm contracting a rogue assassin instead of them. If you have any friends, I'll be more than willing to pay you an extra five hundred gold to bring them here to guard me. Oh and have fun with the 1000 gold I gave you.

Your client, Count Terentius

I smiled at the gold and threw out the letter to keep the "where did you get that gold" question a mystery. The gold weighed me down a bit but it didn't stop me from packing up my weapons and venturing back to the Imperial City, my base of operations.
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Yeah yeah, Kinda redundant and a bit short. Not to mention that the whole "Imperial City" thing was from my last story.

My roleplaying is pretty standard when it comes to the first chapter of my story or in game. I rushed QUITE A BIT. Took me a good 20 minutes to finish off this. Not long...

Remember to Read and Review. R&R

[Destri Melarg]

There were a few things that seemed a little too convenient and contrived in this chapter:

1). Riden noticing the large print label with the word WARNING on it only after giving the potion to Tess. *I can let this one slide though, because that does sometimes happen.*

2). The fact that the healer passes by their (presumably) secluded cabin just as Riden is coming out of his first vision. And the idea that the healer is able to correctly diagnose Riden as being part Dremora simply by Riden telling him about his vision which, to my recollection, was about a blue light healing Tess and had nothing to do with any sort of daedra.

3). Riden’s ‘sudden’ recollection of a family tree once read that identifies him as being part Dremora. That is definitely not something that one would be likely to forget!

4). There is NO WAY that a guard of the City Watch gripes about a lack of professionalism in a note that he sends to the assassin he has hired! That one made me laugh, but I don't think that's what you were going for.

I think the conflict that you have between Riden and Tess (will he or won’t he quit being an assassin?) is the strongest thing you have going in this story. It draws us in far more than your story arcs concerning a war with the Dark Brotherhood and Riden having powers because he is part Dremora. Why? Because the conflict between Riden and Tess feels genuine. Your version of the Dark Brotherhood doesn’t feel real simply because there is no way that the DB sends a letter to the man who just killed their listener (begging the question of just how they came across that information. Although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised with the number of incriminating notes floating around Cyrodiil in this story ). Equally outlandish is the fact that they address the note to ‘Riden Snow and family’.

Give us more of Riden and Tess. That’s who we care about, and that’s who we want to root for!