Haa-Rei the Marsh Ranger Options

[hazmick]

Chapter 1.0

I ran from the Merchants Inn as fast as I could. Holding tight to the precious bounty I had wrapped in cloth, ignoring the angry shouts behind me. I dipped into an empty side street and paused to look around before examining my prize, a large loaf of bread covered in melted cheese. Deeh would not believe that I had stolen some food without his help, I couldn't wait to get back to Leyawiin and tell him.

The bread was warm out of the oven and tasted delicious as I hungrily crammed it into my mouth. Before I could finish, I heard a rattle of armour and a wall of iron in the shape of a legionnaire crashed down the alley towards me. My hand found the hilt of my dagger but I decided against fighting this particular soldier. If only I had a bow.

“Stop right there pondscum!” his voice was like thunder and echoed about the grubby walls surrounding me. The only exit was behind me. I made a run for it but the soldier was too fast and grabbed my arm in a bone breaking grip.

“I assume you don’t have 5 septims?” This time his voice was lower but still sounded loud in the cramped alleyway.

I quickly swallowed the bread in my mouth, “I…no,” my mouth was dry and my voice croaked, if I was a man or mer my face would be bright red with embarrassment and fear.

“Come with me,” The soldier secured the irons tightly on my thin wrists, cutting off the circulation. Minutes later we arrived at the imperial prison, it’s walls were darker than those of the other city districts and corpses in various states of decay hung from atop it’s large spire.

Once inside I was lead down a short tunnel, light seemed to fear this place as it grew darker and darker the deeper we descended. One of the rusty cell doors was open, I assumed this was mine.

Sure enough on reaching the cell, an iron clad hand grabbed me by the neck and pulled me closer to the soldier.

“ I hope you rot, criminal scum,” His voice was a low growl with an edge of disgust which most people had when talking to me and the other beggars. The soldier threw me into the cell, my head colliding with something hard. Everything went dark.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Aug 17 2010, 03:56 PM

[Acadian]

Wel-done hazmick! You really progress from your prologue.

Your writing seems much better and the run on sentences are almost gone. Take a look at this one though:

The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door, {I recommend break the sentence here} it did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through.

This is wonderful. I know the dialogue is from the game, but the bold part is beautiful.

“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.

I see you also did some looking into speech tag punctuation.

My goodness, I am laboring on about your technical stuff. I suppose mostly because I am so impressed by your sharp learning curve here. You definitely 'get it' about show vs tell.

Now, the story: I like it a lot. I must confess a weakness for accounts of other players going through the game of Oblivion. I am always fascinated by the perspectives their character see, and the differences the writer brings to familiar things. So, this seems to be my kind of story.

I like how you are not pushing details of your poor Argonian at us in a rapid manner, but letting your character reaveal themself to us. Hmm, do you notice that I'm referring to your character in a gender neutral manner? Indeed, I can't say if your lizard be he or she yet. If I somehow missed that, please slap me. If you have not yet revealed it, I look forward to discovering. See? You have me anxiously awaiting more of your story.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Aug 14 2010, 03:05 PM