Edward an Imperial's Story, Coward, bounder, thief, murderer...and hero? Options

[Rachel the Breton]

For many, this story is not new, but has been running for awhile on Bethesda. While most of the beginning is not going to be updated, there are points where I'm fixing the grammar/tweaking things...so, if you want to reread, or if you haven't read it yet, please do.
This is a parody, so note that I've taken some rather significant liberties with the story/world...I know some people hate that, so you've been warned.


Oh prison really, really sucks,
I should be out making big bucks
Instead I'm rotting in this stinking cell
I just hope my honoured user jailer rots in hell!
-- Edward's Lament

Chapter One

Once upon a time, in a far away land, an Imperial named Edward lived in the Imperial Dungeon of the Imperial City . Edward was an average young man, with nothing outstanding about his background, family, life, or appearance. Indeed, he was so ordinary that no one seemed to know anything about him, and he didn't remember anything about his past (at least, that was his story, and he was sticking to it). All he knew was that he was stuck in a jail cell -- and there, across from him, was another prisoner, taunting him.


Edward didn't pay much attention to what was said, but he got the gist...the guards were going to torture and kill him, as that's all that happened to prisoners here.


"Funny," Edward thought, "this guy doesn't look like he's been tortured, and, unfortunately, he's still alive, and making a damn lot of noise, too..."


Just then, the distant clinking of armor came to the prisoners' ears.


"Aha, they're coming for you!" the annoying prisoner taunted.


Edward frowned. Maybe, just maybe, he might find out why he was here. It couldn't have been those loaves of bread, swiped from the King and Queen Tavern, could it? Nah, no one saw him, he was sure. What about that beggar...what was his name?...that he'd pickpocketed as he slept in the rain outside the chapel. No, surely, they wouldn't throw a respectable young man like him in prison over a slimy beggar, would they?


He waited, musing these things silently, as the noise grew louder, and then, to his surprise, a group of guards and a very well dressed man came into view. Edward's blue eyes sparkled as he saw the rich robes.


"Those must be worth a fortune! And that amulet! I'll bet I could sell that for a lot!"


"Stand aside, prisoner!" an authoritative voice demanded. "Move to the end of the cell, and do not interfere!"


Edward hesitated, his eyes still fixed on the amulet.


"Now! Or we'll make you!" the voice commanded again.


Something in the tone caused Edward to draw his eyes away from the sparkling gem, and to the speaker.


Jumping as he did so, he quickly complied; the speaker had been a less-than-friendly, armor clad, weapon wielding warrior, surrounded by two similarly attired, similarly armed, similarly disposed warriors. Edward tripped in his haste to oblige, but pulled himself up quickly. "Why certainly, milady! Happy to be of service!" he declared.


The warrior scoffed at him, and turned to the rich man. "The passage is here, my lord. I don't know why they put a prisoner in this cell; it is always supposed to be off limits."


The rich man seemed sullen, and did not speak.


"Come with us, my emperor; time is pressing!"


"Emperor!" Edward gasped.


"Why?" the Emperor asked, his tone melancholy. "It's no use...nothing is any use anymore."


The warriors exchanged glances, and the apparent leader spoke again. "My lord, let us get you to sanctuary, where you may then contemplate the futility of existence in safety."


Edward hadn't paid much attention to this conversation, though, as he'd found his eyes returning to the amulet. "You know," he thought to himself, "I'll bet an emperor's amulet would sell for a fortune, even if that ruby is fake!" He found himself licking his lips nervously. Here, merely an arm's length away, was probably his fortune made; but his arms were shackled, and three very unsympathetic guards stood between him and retirement.


The Emperor seemed to sense Edward's eyes on him, and he turned. The old man's eyes lit up. "You!" he whispered. "I've seen you in my dreams!"


Edward grimaced. "Sorry, but I don't go that way."


The Emperor looked at him in puzzlement. "This is fate!" he said at last.


"Sorry," Edward said, stepping backwards. "Not interested." To himself, he wondered at the impertinence of this man. "And, really," he thought, "that's the worst line I've ever heard. 'I've seen you in my dreams'...please!"

"But...the fate of the world rests in your hands! The gods have chosen you to save this empire!"


Edward blinked. He liked the sound of that, but he was still suspicious about the old man's motives. "How?"


"My sons are dead...my time in this life is at an end," the Emperor said.


"Oh, I see," Edward said, his manner suddenly very engaging and excited. "And you need a good, trustworthy soul to take over the empire after you...expire? And, of course, you recognize the very virtues and character you seek in me?"


The Emperor raised an eyebrow. "No...but I might need you to deliver a message for me, if I expire before I can deliver it myself."


Edward's jaw dropped. "A message? You think my virtues and character are only worthy of being a royal messenger?!"


"Well," the Emperor answered slowly, "not really...but, if my visions are right, you'll be the only one I have left to carry the message when the time comes, so I'll have to take a chance on you."


Edward frowned deeply at the old man. Of all the insolence!


"Are you interested?" the Emperor asked.


"Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly.


The Emperor shrugged, and started to head down a passage that had, somehow, appeared in Edward's cell wall. "Ah well, suit yourself. Of course, it would have meant that you'd get out of prison, but..."


By now, the guards and emperor had disappeared around a bend in the passage, but Edward lost no time in taking to his heels after them, calling, "Wait! Wait, I've changed my mind!"




This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Aug 25 2010, 01:28 AM

[Rachel the Breton]

Winter Wolf: Thanks! I love writing comedy, although sometimes I just run out of inspiration, at least on the same story. As for not posting until now, I honestly didn't mean to torment the community, lol...but I'll not be so careless this time.
Thanks for posting -- your comment is appreciated!!

Treydog: Thanks, it's great to finally have time to spend here! As for putting up with Edward...well, he gets his butt kicked enough to make it worth it, I hope.

Sub Rosa: Thanks for the welcome! I look forward to spending some more time here...and seeing what that awesome Bosmer of yours is up to!!

D. Foxy: Glad to see you here! I'm reposting with the grammar/spelling/etc. tweaks that I find, but I'm afraid I haven't really "Dhertee Innu-endo"-proofed the story.


Anyhow, more chapters coming...



An adventurer's life for me,
Rats and goblins to flee!
An adventurer's life for me,
A hero I shall someday be!
-- Excerpt from a childhood poem written by Edward

Chapter Three

Edward reached the door that the Emperor had disappeared into, only to find, to his great dismay, that it was locked. In a panic, he tried the handle again, and found that it was, indeed, fastened on the other side.


Fear gripped him, and he began to run about the room wildly, calling for help.


He continued to circle the room screaming for several minutes, stopping only when he tripped over one of the corpses, who now lay in his underclothes staring at the ceiling with dead eyes. Something about this scene was so morbid that Edward pulled himself to his feet, more panicked than before, and ran straight for a hole in the wall that he had not previously noticed.


He didn't see where he was going, and barely noticed the strange goblins and giant rats around him as he plunged deeper and deeper into the musty cellar. He continued running, past chests and skeletons, until he reached an underground opening. He was arrested by the pungent odor of cooking rat, and he stopped running to seek the source; disgusting as it was, he was hungry!


He found a giant rat roasting on a spit, and quickly set about munching on the foul, furry thing. It was then that he noticed a basket of human skulls nearby.


Nearly choking on a mouthful of rat meat, Edward loosed another scream, and took to his heels again. He didn't bother to look where he was going, but ran blindly into whatever tunnel opened up before him. He didn't notice the ever increasing horde of goblins and rats that pursued him.


Finally, much to his relief, he saw the dank dirt of the cellar open into the paved stone of the secret passages that the emperor had traversed -- and, what's more, he heard the sound of the Emperor's voice.


"This flight is futile, I tell you, futile! We men are but doomed creatures, doomed at birth to die! What matters it, if today be the day? What matters it, if tomorrow be the day?"


Edward, pausing to regain his breath, suddenly was aware of the creatures on his tail. Screeching with horror, he took once more to his heels, crying, "Your Majesty, protect me!"


He burst into the tunnel, spotted the royal pack, and ran toward them, a hissing, spitting, cursing, furry mob hot on his heels. He ran toward the emperor, and somehow made it past the guards, who apparently couldn't make up their minds if they should attack the robed man or the horde of creatures he'd brought with him.


When the Emperor saw the goblins, rats and other creatures, he ran in the opposite direction; Edward, finding his Imperial shield gone, took off after him. The guards, meanwhile, were already engaged in combat with the creatures, and only heard the frightened shrieks of the two men as they ran down the passage.


Finally, coming to a dead end, the Emperor stopped to look about him. Seeing Edward, his eyes widened with horror. "Assassin!" he screeched, pointing his finger at him.


Edward screamed out loud, and ran to hide behind the Emperor, assuming that the other man had meant that there'd been an assassin behind him. The Emperor let out a terrified yelp at his advance, and threw up his hands defensively. This move surprised Edward, and he glanced over his shoulder. Realizing that there was no one there, and that it was him, Edward, that the Emperor had cowered from, he asked in amazement, "Don't you recognize me, Your Majesty? I'm not an assassin, I'm your messenger, Edward!"


The Emperor peered at him suspiciously, but half raised himself from his frightened crouch. "But...but you're wearing the assassin's robes!"


Edward glanced down at his clothes. "Me? Oh, no, I'm just wearing one of those beautiful silk robes..." he trailed off, his face turning ashen. "You mean...those dead guys...they were assassins?" he asked, comprehending at last.


The Emperor nodded. "Of course...what did you think they were? I don't just keep corpses in my secret passages, you know."


"Yes," Edward said, "but what happened? They had been wearing such scary armor, not these expensive robes!"


The Emperor looked at him quizzically for a moment, and then sighed, as if annoyed by his stupidity. "It was magic! They're Mythic Dawn mages, who can spawn their own armor!"


Edward gaped. "You mean, I looted the corpses of magic dead guys?"