Haa-Rei the Marsh Ranger Options

[hazmick]

Chapter 1.0

I ran from the Merchants Inn as fast as I could. Holding tight to the precious bounty I had wrapped in cloth, ignoring the angry shouts behind me. I dipped into an empty side street and paused to look around before examining my prize, a large loaf of bread covered in melted cheese. Deeh would not believe that I had stolen some food without his help, I couldn't wait to get back to Leyawiin and tell him.

The bread was warm out of the oven and tasted delicious as I hungrily crammed it into my mouth. Before I could finish, I heard a rattle of armour and a wall of iron in the shape of a legionnaire crashed down the alley towards me. My hand found the hilt of my dagger but I decided against fighting this particular soldier. If only I had a bow.

“Stop right there pondscum!” his voice was like thunder and echoed about the grubby walls surrounding me. The only exit was behind me. I made a run for it but the soldier was too fast and grabbed my arm in a bone breaking grip.

“I assume you don’t have 5 septims?” This time his voice was lower but still sounded loud in the cramped alleyway.

I quickly swallowed the bread in my mouth, “I…no,” my mouth was dry and my voice croaked, if I was a man or mer my face would be bright red with embarrassment and fear.

“Come with me,” The soldier secured the irons tightly on my thin wrists, cutting off the circulation. Minutes later we arrived at the imperial prison, it’s walls were darker than those of the other city districts and corpses in various states of decay hung from atop it’s large spire.

Once inside I was lead down a short tunnel, light seemed to fear this place as it grew darker and darker the deeper we descended. One of the rusty cell doors was open, I assumed this was mine.

Sure enough on reaching the cell, an iron clad hand grabbed me by the neck and pulled me closer to the soldier.

“ I hope you rot, criminal scum,” His voice was a low growl with an edge of disgust which most people had when talking to me and the other beggars. The soldier threw me into the cell, my head colliding with something hard. Everything went dark.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Aug 17 2010, 03:56 PM

[haute ecole rider]

I'm glad to see you taking the time with developing the scenes and the characters. Sights, sounds, smells and touch are all present in this chapter. As a result, if feels so much richer. So Haa-Rei loves books, huh? That's good - knowledge is the great equalizer.

Your writing is showing the result of you slowing down and taking your sweet time to review your writing and edit where necessary. I didn't see any nits, and I felt the story flowed a lot better. I didn't get the sense that I was missing something.

Maybe it was the chicken soup in a bread bowl . . .

Best of luck in college - it's going to be a hectic couple of weeks while you settle down. Be sure to focus on your studies, and we will wait here for your next installment in Haa-Rei's story. Do not feel obligated to throw something here every so often - all of us here know about real life and understand that some things are more important than our stories. After all, it's college! It's your FUTURE, darn it! Just don't forget about us, or Haa-Rei.

One word of advice: you probably already know this, but keep a small notebook with you at all times. If an idea, a phrase, a scene from your story pops into your head in the middle of a dull, dull lecture, write it down! You won't remember it later, trust me. Many's the time I wished I had done just that! I'm much older now, wiser and use my laptop for just the same thing!

Oh well, that's me, contradicting myself in subsequent breaths.