Edward an Imperial's Story, Coward, bounder, thief, murderer...and hero? Options

[Rachel the Breton]

For many, this story is not new, but has been running for awhile on Bethesda. While most of the beginning is not going to be updated, there are points where I'm fixing the grammar/tweaking things...so, if you want to reread, or if you haven't read it yet, please do.
This is a parody, so note that I've taken some rather significant liberties with the story/world...I know some people hate that, so you've been warned.


Oh prison really, really sucks,
I should be out making big bucks
Instead I'm rotting in this stinking cell
I just hope my honoured user jailer rots in hell!
-- Edward's Lament

Chapter One

Once upon a time, in a far away land, an Imperial named Edward lived in the Imperial Dungeon of the Imperial City . Edward was an average young man, with nothing outstanding about his background, family, life, or appearance. Indeed, he was so ordinary that no one seemed to know anything about him, and he didn't remember anything about his past (at least, that was his story, and he was sticking to it). All he knew was that he was stuck in a jail cell -- and there, across from him, was another prisoner, taunting him.


Edward didn't pay much attention to what was said, but he got the gist...the guards were going to torture and kill him, as that's all that happened to prisoners here.


"Funny," Edward thought, "this guy doesn't look like he's been tortured, and, unfortunately, he's still alive, and making a damn lot of noise, too..."


Just then, the distant clinking of armor came to the prisoners' ears.


"Aha, they're coming for you!" the annoying prisoner taunted.


Edward frowned. Maybe, just maybe, he might find out why he was here. It couldn't have been those loaves of bread, swiped from the King and Queen Tavern, could it? Nah, no one saw him, he was sure. What about that beggar...what was his name?...that he'd pickpocketed as he slept in the rain outside the chapel. No, surely, they wouldn't throw a respectable young man like him in prison over a slimy beggar, would they?


He waited, musing these things silently, as the noise grew louder, and then, to his surprise, a group of guards and a very well dressed man came into view. Edward's blue eyes sparkled as he saw the rich robes.


"Those must be worth a fortune! And that amulet! I'll bet I could sell that for a lot!"


"Stand aside, prisoner!" an authoritative voice demanded. "Move to the end of the cell, and do not interfere!"


Edward hesitated, his eyes still fixed on the amulet.


"Now! Or we'll make you!" the voice commanded again.


Something in the tone caused Edward to draw his eyes away from the sparkling gem, and to the speaker.


Jumping as he did so, he quickly complied; the speaker had been a less-than-friendly, armor clad, weapon wielding warrior, surrounded by two similarly attired, similarly armed, similarly disposed warriors. Edward tripped in his haste to oblige, but pulled himself up quickly. "Why certainly, milady! Happy to be of service!" he declared.


The warrior scoffed at him, and turned to the rich man. "The passage is here, my lord. I don't know why they put a prisoner in this cell; it is always supposed to be off limits."


The rich man seemed sullen, and did not speak.


"Come with us, my emperor; time is pressing!"


"Emperor!" Edward gasped.


"Why?" the Emperor asked, his tone melancholy. "It's no use...nothing is any use anymore."


The warriors exchanged glances, and the apparent leader spoke again. "My lord, let us get you to sanctuary, where you may then contemplate the futility of existence in safety."


Edward hadn't paid much attention to this conversation, though, as he'd found his eyes returning to the amulet. "You know," he thought to himself, "I'll bet an emperor's amulet would sell for a fortune, even if that ruby is fake!" He found himself licking his lips nervously. Here, merely an arm's length away, was probably his fortune made; but his arms were shackled, and three very unsympathetic guards stood between him and retirement.


The Emperor seemed to sense Edward's eyes on him, and he turned. The old man's eyes lit up. "You!" he whispered. "I've seen you in my dreams!"


Edward grimaced. "Sorry, but I don't go that way."


The Emperor looked at him in puzzlement. "This is fate!" he said at last.


"Sorry," Edward said, stepping backwards. "Not interested." To himself, he wondered at the impertinence of this man. "And, really," he thought, "that's the worst line I've ever heard. 'I've seen you in my dreams'...please!"

"But...the fate of the world rests in your hands! The gods have chosen you to save this empire!"


Edward blinked. He liked the sound of that, but he was still suspicious about the old man's motives. "How?"


"My sons are dead...my time in this life is at an end," the Emperor said.


"Oh, I see," Edward said, his manner suddenly very engaging and excited. "And you need a good, trustworthy soul to take over the empire after you...expire? And, of course, you recognize the very virtues and character you seek in me?"


The Emperor raised an eyebrow. "No...but I might need you to deliver a message for me, if I expire before I can deliver it myself."


Edward's jaw dropped. "A message? You think my virtues and character are only worthy of being a royal messenger?!"


"Well," the Emperor answered slowly, "not really...but, if my visions are right, you'll be the only one I have left to carry the message when the time comes, so I'll have to take a chance on you."


Edward frowned deeply at the old man. Of all the insolence!


"Are you interested?" the Emperor asked.


"Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly.


The Emperor shrugged, and started to head down a passage that had, somehow, appeared in Edward's cell wall. "Ah well, suit yourself. Of course, it would have meant that you'd get out of prison, but..."


By now, the guards and emperor had disappeared around a bend in the passage, but Edward lost no time in taking to his heels after them, calling, "Wait! Wait, I've changed my mind!"




This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Aug 25 2010, 01:28 AM

[treydog]

He is described as being sulky, with baby-like features, and a deviant air.

Yup, that’s Edward. I’d know him anywhere.

Until mALX pointed out, I had forgotten Edward's issue with doors- The DB hideout, the Floating Bloatery (twice!)- and there will probably be more. Of course, he has issues with practically all inanimate (as well as animate) objects- so it really isn't a surprise.

And his enslavement fantasy had me giggling- again.

And then Edward's obsession with his first stolen item.

[Rachel the Breton]

And then Edward's obsession with his first stolen item.

LOL, and what a "tragic" end it comes to, too. Glad you're enjoying the story again!!


Pirates roam the high seas,
Bandits haunt the lonely paths,
Assassins traverse the quiet halls,
And fools infest the forsaken empire.
-- Lament of the Ninth, decrying the desolation of the empire after his demise

Chapter Twenty-Six

Edward crept along, cringing every time his already heavy loot bag impacted with a wall, or a crate, or the floor. Despite the fact that he only had managed to find a few items, they were all large, and mostly heavy pottery -- and they made a fair amount of noise when bumped.

"Damn that orc!" he thought to himself. "He should be the one doing this, not me!" His happy plan of Graman slaying the remainder of the pirates whilst he hid safely in the background had vanished after he freed the orc, and saw that his ally had been badly wounded in the original scuffle with the brigands. So badly wounded, in fact, that he could not fight them a second time.

"I'll be able to bring the ship back to harbor," he'd said, "but I'm afraid I won't be able to help you take care of them."

"Damn him!" Edward cursed again. "If only they killed the honoured user the first time!" Then, he checked himself. "Except that I need him to get home...that is, if I survive this...which I probably won't anyway." He frowned darkly. "If they do kill me, I hope they get that damned orc afterwards!"

Creeping up a ladder, Edward stopped as one of the pots in his pillowcase hit particularly loudly against the rungs. Sighing, he pulled himself up carefully, hid behind a crate, and sifted through his bag. He would have to get rid of that pot, he determined sadly, or else he would certainly get caught. Seeing the offending piece of pottery, he pulled it out. And then froze.

Footsteps were coming his way. He didn't dare to move, except to hunker down lower, so that he would be completely hidden behind the crates. A head came into view, and then a body. Edward grew still, not even daring to breathe now. Still the figure approached, stopping only when it was nearly on top of him, directly on the other side of the pile of crates. Edward was still holding his breath.

The figure turned, but stood still to survey the passage. Edward tried to concentrate on the blood coursing through his veins, and not his ever more desperate need of fresh oxygen. Still the figure did not budge.

Finally, his vision blurring and his lungs readying to explode, Edward did the only thing he could think of. He jumped upwards, his grip tightening on the pot he held, and brought said pottery into sharp contact with the brigand's skull; then he collapsed downwards, inhaling and exhaling deeply several times.

He had been so desperate for air that he had not noticed the pirate collapse, and he was only vaguely aware of the fact that he was not already dead at the hands of a furious killer. Only when he had entirely regained his breath did he become aware of the fact that his plan had, in fact succeeded, and that his foe was felled.

Then, he groaned despondently. "My pot!" he murmured. "It's completely shattered!"

Edward spent several minutes pouring over the shards of pottery, wracking his brain for various means of putting them back together, but he eventually abandoned the scheme. There were too many pieces, he decided, and, even if he could glue them back together, there was no way he could conceal the breakage, not even by painting over it. "No," he thought dejectedly, "I'll just have to call it a loss."

With this mournful resolution made, Edward continued on his way to the upper deck. Once there, he looked around. Everything was surprisingly quiet. Too quiet, considering that they were at sea. "Ye gods!" he exclaimed out loud. "Who is manning this darn ship?!"

As if in answer to his question, a sound issued forth from the captain's cabin. The next moment, the door opened and a woman stepped out. Edward stared, enchanted. Despite the fact that she was clad in full body armor, Edward was immediately impressed by her beauty. "Hello gorgeous!" was all he could think of to say, and, judging by the fact that she was drawing her sword and approaching in a very menacing manner, it hardly seemed appropriate.

This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Sep 13 2010, 12:36 AM