The Talendor Chronicles, Part One Options

[TheOtherRick]

AUTHORS NOTE AND DISCLAIMER

This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I am not a writer, by profession or hobby. At least it wasn't a hobby until now. We'll see where that goes. So since I am not a writer, grammatical and spelling errors may slip past the spell-check from time to time. Please feel free to point them out so that I may make the proper edits.

I have read very little fan fiction, which is to say that I have not finished reading any story that I started reading...yet. But starting to read a few has put a flow in my creative juices. (Go Buffy!) Any similarity to any other fan fiction posted in this or any other forum is purely coincidental, with one exception. I have posted this story on another site. I am posting it here because I would like feedback, and I am not getting any at the other site. The readers here seem to post more feedback than readers at the other site. I'm not trying to be a glory hound, and I encourage constructive criticism.

The story is a gameplay narrative. It starts in the 3rd person for the prologue only, the rest will be in 1st person. It is not a walk-through of the Main Quest. However, as it is a gameplay narrative, so readers will have to plod through the tutorial section much as I had to plod through while writing it. The tutorial is essential for character development, as you will see. The posts will be relatively short so that the reader will not have to wade through miles of text per post. To keep them short, I am going to borrow Acadian's chapter numbering system (1.1, 1.2, etc.) so I don't end up with three digit chapter numbers.

I hope you will enjoy...The Talendor Chronicles

Post Script - I have already screwed up. Instead of putting "Authors Note and Disclaimer" in the subject line, it should read "Part One". Is there a way to change that?

Post Script #2 - The first four installments after the Prologue are way too long. This was a rookie mistake and has been rectified Beginning with Chapter 3. I apologize for the long posts, but I promise you'll be glad you slogged through them.

This post has been edited by TheOtherRick: Feb 5 2011, 02:00 AM

[Acadian]

Welcome to Chorrol and to the arena of fan fiction! This is starting out as a very good story that is both clever and well-written!

Prologue and Chapter 1.1:

I have already screwed up. Instead of putting "Authors Note and Disclaimer" in the subject line, it should read "Part One". Is there a way to change that?
You can't, but you might PM a mod with your request - they can.

But starting to read a few has put a flow in my creative juices. (Go Buffy!)
Ok, right off the bat, you've got Buffy and I on your side!

I am posting it here because I would like feedback
The best way to get feedback is to read and comment on the stories of others. It is also a wonderful way to see and enjoy a variety of writing styles.

MY EARS ARE HUGE! WHAT IS GOING ON?
There was no way that armor was going to fit me though. It was way too big.
Buffy was giggling as she read this pair of lines. Get used to it! You're a wood elf!

Wouldn’t one kill me if he saw me in a red robe?
I have considered the same thing and come to the same conclusion. Nice touch!

Chapter 1.2:

Good use of flashbacks. More confusion over who or what our big eared hero is. Out of the prison and into an inn.

Chapter 2.1:

A delightful tour of the Market District, getting rid of those pesky wrist irons and finally the fortunate finding of a guidebook and map.

Bosmer? Did this man know me? Was my name Bosmer?
This was delightful and made perfect sense!

Chapter 2.2:

Ah, acquiring a serviceable weapon, more tour of the city and a brief on the transportation system. And finally, (whew!) we arrive in Chorrol!

One woman on a black horse actually passed us!
Now, everyone knows there are only five women in all of Cyrodiil who ride black horses. Four of them are riders for the Black Horse Courier, and the fifth is . . . Buffy!

* * *

I encourage constructive criticism.
Since you asked. . .

He slid down wall into a squat.
Here, I think you want to say 'slid down the wall'

“Chorrol.” I said.
Here you want a comma after Chorrol instead of a period because 'said' is an actual speech tag. This is just one example of numerous ones in the story. It is clear from your impressive level of skill that you have written before, but dialogue is tricky and new for most of us. I very much recommend you google 'dialogue punctuation' and study up on the intricacies of punctuating dialogue. A very necessary skill for fiction writers.

Slow down your posting. Prologue + 1.1 + 1.2 + 2.1 + 2.2 . . . My goodness! Give it a few days between updates so folks have time to get around to reading it. If readers get behind because you're posting too fast, they either give up or skim - you sure don't want either of those things! I know you have posted this on the Bethesda forums, but to folks here, it is all new. Don't lose them before you even really get started. Which leads into the next comment -

Limit posts to 1000 - 2000 words (not +3500 ). The trouble with long posts is that they invite skimming - and you don't want that! You would have been well served to just post your prologue, then wait a few days between each subsequent update. Then because of the length of 1.1 for example, it would have served well as two or three posts - again, with a few days in between each. You get the idea. Small delicious bites well-spaced.