The Talendor Chronicles, Part One Options

[TheOtherRick]

AUTHORS NOTE AND DISCLAIMER

This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I am not a writer, by profession or hobby. At least it wasn't a hobby until now. We'll see where that goes. So since I am not a writer, grammatical and spelling errors may slip past the spell-check from time to time. Please feel free to point them out so that I may make the proper edits.

I have read very little fan fiction, which is to say that I have not finished reading any story that I started reading...yet. But starting to read a few has put a flow in my creative juices. (Go Buffy!) Any similarity to any other fan fiction posted in this or any other forum is purely coincidental, with one exception. I have posted this story on another site. I am posting it here because I would like feedback, and I am not getting any at the other site. The readers here seem to post more feedback than readers at the other site. I'm not trying to be a glory hound, and I encourage constructive criticism.

The story is a gameplay narrative. It starts in the 3rd person for the prologue only, the rest will be in 1st person. It is not a walk-through of the Main Quest. However, as it is a gameplay narrative, so readers will have to plod through the tutorial section much as I had to plod through while writing it. The tutorial is essential for character development, as you will see. The posts will be relatively short so that the reader will not have to wade through miles of text per post. To keep them short, I am going to borrow Acadian's chapter numbering system (1.1, 1.2, etc.) so I don't end up with three digit chapter numbers.

I hope you will enjoy...The Talendor Chronicles

Post Script - I have already screwed up. Instead of putting "Authors Note and Disclaimer" in the subject line, it should read "Part One". Is there a way to change that?

Post Script #2 - The first four installments after the Prologue are way too long. This was a rookie mistake and has been rectified Beginning with Chapter 3. I apologize for the long posts, but I promise you'll be glad you slogged through them.

This post has been edited by TheOtherRick: Feb 5 2011, 02:00 AM

[Acadian]

A neat view of Chorrol as we traveled with your Bosmer seeing it for his first time.

Your descriptions are very good. You gave us a rich feel for the forest, city, central statue, a Khajiit, then later an Argonian.

'Something in my heart sang at the sight of woodlands.'
Ah yes. Breathe deeply of it, Bosmer!

'How does she avoid breaking glasses and bottles with that thing?'
When I had a great dane, the answer was to keep everything from tail level. Not sure with a Khajiit though.

Speaking of Khajiit, let's talk Khajiit speech for a moment. Well, ok, for a few moments. . . in fact for the rest of my comments -

“This one would be happy to tell you about our proud heritage, but that would take more time than this one has right now, and perhaps more time than you could spare. If you come back when this one is not so busy, then you can learn about Khajiit,” she told me.
Here you seem strong on using the traditional Khajiiti third person speech patterns. Since 'this one' is rather unique, using it three times in one passage can seem a tad redundant. If you want to do this, then you might want to work with phrasing ways to reduce the times she refers to herself. Then don't forget she can also refer to herself in third person by using her name: 'It would take more time than Talasma has right now'.

“I cannot say that I do, but I have only been up from Leyawiin a short while now. I am sure if you ask around town, someone will know of this ‘Jauffre’, if he is indeed from these parts.”
Now here, you jumped to the complete opposite, appearing to abandon your previously strict adherence to Talasma referring to herself in third person.

My recommendation? I would blend the two. Basically have your Khajiit speak more or less normally, with a few references to themselves in the third person. I wouldn't necessarily expect every Khajiit to speak the same, so I would not be surprised to see some speak very traditionally and others speak much more like humans and elves.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Jan 28 2011, 02:09 AM