The Talendor Chronicles, Part One Options

[TheOtherRick]

AUTHORS NOTE AND DISCLAIMER

This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I am not a writer, by profession or hobby. At least it wasn't a hobby until now. We'll see where that goes. So since I am not a writer, grammatical and spelling errors may slip past the spell-check from time to time. Please feel free to point them out so that I may make the proper edits.

I have read very little fan fiction, which is to say that I have not finished reading any story that I started reading...yet. But starting to read a few has put a flow in my creative juices. (Go Buffy!) Any similarity to any other fan fiction posted in this or any other forum is purely coincidental, with one exception. I have posted this story on another site. I am posting it here because I would like feedback, and I am not getting any at the other site. The readers here seem to post more feedback than readers at the other site. I'm not trying to be a glory hound, and I encourage constructive criticism.

The story is a gameplay narrative. It starts in the 3rd person for the prologue only, the rest will be in 1st person. It is not a walk-through of the Main Quest. However, as it is a gameplay narrative, so readers will have to plod through the tutorial section much as I had to plod through while writing it. The tutorial is essential for character development, as you will see. The posts will be relatively short so that the reader will not have to wade through miles of text per post. To keep them short, I am going to borrow Acadian's chapter numbering system (1.1, 1.2, etc.) so I don't end up with three digit chapter numbers.

I hope you will enjoy...The Talendor Chronicles

Post Script - I have already screwed up. Instead of putting "Authors Note and Disclaimer" in the subject line, it should read "Part One". Is there a way to change that?

Post Script #2 - The first four installments after the Prologue are way too long. This was a rookie mistake and has been rectified Beginning with Chapter 3. I apologize for the long posts, but I promise you'll be glad you slogged through them.

This post has been edited by TheOtherRick: Feb 5 2011, 02:00 AM

[Olen]

Well I read this one and I'm glad I did. The first few sections were a little daunting but I'm glad I persevered, this is good. Talendor is an excellent character, his amnesia is an unusual plot device (it put me off slightly initially) but it's really worked well. You've developed him through his actions letting them define him rather than his past, and you've developed him a lot, he's a very rounded character for the among you've written about him. I suspect he's at least somewhat based on a real person(s), either way he's a strong character with realistic weaknesses and strengths.

A list of comments I noted down as I read over it:

1.2: 'At least THAT much looks normal, just too small.' - it's lines like this which make this piece, it's such an accurate observation of male thought patterns.

2 - His confusion was well written and again really formed his character well.

3 - Another feature of this piece I enjoy, his thoughts. This time on the beast races. They're really funny and incisive.

4 - This part (and subsequently) was noticeably cleaner than the earlier parts with fewer tense issues and clunky phrases. His naming himself through requirement was interesting, something which might have been profound forced through circumstance...

5 - Picking up a living (hunting in this case) isn't as easy as it looks or everyone would do it. Nice bit of accuracy from a world-building perspective.

6 - the moral struggle was good though a little quick for my tastes... nice touch there though, says more about Talendor's character (as almost everything does).

8 - Opening to Honditar was a bold move, but it fits with Talendor's character. By this stage he's really taken shape and is great fun to read.

9 - 'Stopping to pick locks might be hazardous to my health', I enjoyed this line.

11 - Not being constrained by gameplay mechanics is good for a story. What works in a game doesn't always make sense in fiction so I liked his letting the bandit go.

13 - The dream sequence was good, it gives a hook to hold the piece together. I enjoyed the mages guild, your vision of the game world is quite different from mine and refreshing.

15 - Your introduction to magic is good. I also loved the phrase ''This should smooth Teekeeus’ scales' , very lore friendly.

It's a good piece, I like his character and thoughts a lot. My main critique would be from a style point of view you have the occasional sentence in a peculiar tense (I'll point out the next I see), and things are a little morally black and white, though that's part of his character so not really an issue (and is very much a personal taste thing).