Idiosyncrasy, This won't end well. Options

[Petra Arkanian]

Okay, so I've been unactive for a while (yeah, yeah, underestimated, more like 3 months, which is a long time), and most of the reason why is because I've been trying and trying to come up with good ideas for my other story (Concerned but powerless), and sadly, I have - for the moment - failed. Utterly and completely. I have realized that I was playing the same old card like fifty times, and... yeaaaaaaah. Anyway. Rambling. So, basically, long story short, I have decided to start a new story and yeah I can see where this is going because it's such a common trend with me, as I have a ton of books that I've started and never finished. Yep. Okay, now for the story.

CHAPTER 1

Run, run, run. Toward the deer, away from the deer, just run.

I vault over a large fallen tree, knock an arrow, and try to aim at the buck while sprinting. My arrow sprouts out of it's neck, and I slow my pace to a walk as I go to fetch my kill. The arrow is snapped in two, which I expected, since the buck had fallen on his left side, which is where the arrow was. I shove the deer over onto its back, with its legs lolling out aimlessly, and I try to dig the shaft out of the smooth, tan hide. A young buck - that's good. I haven't had meat for a while, since the Blackwood is relatively devoid of animals, but flourishing with plants. And let me tell you, living off plants is no party. I once knew a few people (they're dead now) who'd live of anything besides meat. And I'll never understand why.

As I gather wood for a fire, I begin to contemplate where I'll go next. I've always wondered what it's like in Bruma, but really, I don't really fancy the cold, and in any case, I'm not much of a people person. I like dead people okay, but live ones? Definitely not. They talk too much. It's the same with pretty much every kind of humanoid. Self-centered and unrealistic. So I stay away from them as much as possible. The other ones I kill. Not always, but usually.

The crackling fire illuminates the now dark forest around me.

Ahh, the Panther River, where game grows on trees.

I walk back to my deer, take out my trusted hunting knife, and begin skinning it, as it's too large for me to drag back to my fire. And in any case, the fire is so close by that it's hardly worth it. And if I had made the fire here, in the clearing, then the smoke would definitely have alerted someone that I was nearby. And then some stupid 'Imperial Legioner' would have come to get me and I'd have to kill them.

So I try to steer clear of these weirdos.

The carcass is mostly skinned, and the only parts with fur are the head and paws, and since I don't eat those anyway I cut them off with my knife and begin slicing the buck into sizable chunks.

I wrap these in the skin and bring them to the fire, skewer one on a burned stick, and wait for it to heat up. It will take a while, so I begin an inventory of my current items. A few knives; about two dozen arrows (I'd better come across a bandit archer soon); several large edible nuts whose name I still don't know, but which I call treenuts; one last pair of camouflage patterned clothes; a short sword; two black capes, one of which is mostly in tatters; and a large waterskin. Empty, of course.

I'll need to find a stream, and soon, but for now I think I'll just rest and wait for the meat.

In about an hour, I have two large pieces of venison roasted and ready for eating, and so I begin. They taste like heaven, if heaven tasted like deer meat. Which I bet it doesn't.

Full and rather sleepy, I retire to my small sleeping bag, which I carry around, because sleeping on moldy acorns and wet leaves isn't very enjoyable. I would know.

***

I wake up, feeling more refreshed than usual. No dreams tonight. This comes as a relief - nearly all of my dreams are nightmares, and I always flail about when I sleep, so I usually awake with bruises. This being said, I don't sleep too often.

I pack up my things, smother the fire with the abundant rocks, and stretch. I begin walking, chewing on a wad of the inside of pine bark, which tastes a lot like mint, and continue to contemplate the question that I'm always facing: Where next?

Perhaps I'll just look for a bandit camp and ambush people and settle down for a while. In fact, I decide that's exactly what I'll do; and I head out to a famous one that people somehow always pass and somehow always forget to bring their weapons: Fisherman's rock.

It's about a days journey, and I almost dread having to turn back to the Blackwood, but I persist. It's the perfect camp.

So with my pack full, my stomach settled and my mind made, I hurry on, anxious to find the camp.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Mar 14 2011, 07:39 PM

[Thomas Kaira]

Hello again, Petra! We may not have met before, but I have noticed your presence. I am liking what I see in here so far. The chapter was very relaxing and soothing. It gave a nice window into what it is like to be a lone, wandering forester. I'll be watching this thread for updates, as you have perked my interest!

Now, you asked for some constructive criticism, so here we go:

I'm seeing a lot of questionable verb tenses in your writing. Here's a few examples:

I walk back to my deer,

wrap these in the skin and bring them to the fire, skewer one on a burned stick,

wake up, feeling more refreshed than usual.

This is something of a personal matter to me, because I don't really like starting sentences with present basic tense verbs. However, the main issue here is that you are using the present basic tense too much, which stagnates the writing. You might want to experiment with conjugation in some of your sentences to make them flow better.

I shove the deer over onto it's back, with it's legs lolling out aimlessly, and I try to dig the shaft out of the smooth, tan hide.

Both of these are improper contractions, however at the same time this is one of those many spells of weirdness in the English language. Normally a contraction such as Buffy's or Teresa's implies ownership, but that is not the case here. It's means it is, so your sentence is essentially reading "I shove the deer over onto it is back, with it is legs lolling out aimlessly...." This is a fairly common error (one that I am guilty of myself on several occasions) because it violates most of the standard rules, because in this case the uncontracted form (its) is the correct one.
EDIT: And I did it again! Yay me! :facepalm: Also look out for whose (possessive) vs. who's (who is), which has turned out to be a major stumbling block for me.

I once knew a few people (they're dead now) who'd live of anything besides meat. And I'll never understand why.

These two sentences need not be separated, as this causes two problems. Firstly, the latter sentence does not stand up very well on its own (it's not quite a fragment, but it's pushing the boundaries), and secondly because it makes no sense to start another sentence with a conjunction (what are you joining together with it in such a case?). I'd suggest combining these two sentences together. Oh, and speaking of starting with conjunctions...

I walk back to my deer, take out my trusted hunting knife, and begin skinning it, as it's too large for me to drag back to my fire. And in any case, the fire is so close by that it's hardly worth it. And if I had made the fire here, in the clearing, then the smoke would definitely have alerted someone that I was nearby. And then some stupid 'Imperial Legioner' would have come to get me and I'd have to kill them.

In this paragraph, save for the first, you started every sentence with a conjunction, which also happens to be the exact same word. You may want to consider rewriting this paragraph.

I've always wondered what it's like in Bruma, but really, I don't really fancy the cold,

You've used "really" twice in rather quick succession here. I'd suggest removing the latter iteration.

A few knives; about two dozen arrows (I'd better come across a bandit archer soon); several large edible nuts whose name I still don't know, but which I call treenuts; one last pair of camouflage patterned clothes; a short sword; two black capes, one of which is mostly in tatters; and a large waterskin.

Every semicolon in this (very long) sentence is being used improperly. Read up here on how to properly use semicolons in writing. These buggers are actually a bit difficult to grasp, as they're basically a sort of weird hybrid of a period and a comma. The basic usage is if you want to combine two sentences into one without using a conjunction, but where a comma would be improper; this leads to a bit of a judgment call for the writer as to where to use them. (That was also an example on how to properly use a semicolon, albeit it's not a very great one.)

if heaven tasted like deer meat. Which I bet it doesn't.

Another unnecessarily separated sentence here. Once again, the latter sentence doesn't need to be separated.

This comes as a relief - nearly all of my dreams are nightmares, and I always flail about when I sleep, so I usually awake with bruises.

This is an example where it would have been better to show us, rather than tell us. A nightmare is an excellent way to hook someone into your story. After all, I did it myself (so maybe I'm biased here, but still).

Again, welcome back! I hope to see more from you soon!

Various edits: I needed to research my own grammar for a few of those to make sure I was using the correct words.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 9 2011, 09:17 PM