A Daughter's Promise ~ Lissa Cristenn's Journal Options

[TrisRed]

Hey there!

Here is the journal for my Redguard Lissa Cristenn.

Lissa is an Archress, she is very 'pro-female', so she refuses to be acknowledged as an archer, as she finds it sexist. She is 19, carefree and VERY unpredictable. She knows what she want and doesnt take no for an answer, whether she is encouraging her freinds or trying to haggle with a merchant.

I plan to write as much as my brain can handle, which will hopefully be well over 150 chapters, but it depends on the reception I get. I plan to write the journal in first person, to get a more in depth view of Lissa's personality.

Enjoy :D

Edit: I have recently had a complete overhaul of the first part of this chapter. All comments before my comment about the edit, were for the pre-edit

PROLOGUE ~ PART 1

Lissa. Get up.

Lissa, You need to get up now!

“LISSA!”

My eyes pried themselves open. The sun was shining through the window. Another sunny day in Anvil. Maelona was standing by my bed, her hands on her hips.

“Do you realise how long I’ve been calling you for?” Maelona hovered over me, grabbed my duvet and pulled it off the bed, leaving my body vulnerable to the cold air. “You have to get up. Mother wants you to meet her at the Mages Guild before you go and help Dad with the horses.”
“But I had a lesson yesterday. Come on…”
“Look, Liss, You know what Mother’s like. You know what you want to do in life and that’s good. But Mother wants you to be safe.”
I groaned. “Well, you go and I’ll just copy your notes.” I smiled at Maelona, who smiled back.
“Come on Sis, the sooner you get it done the sooner you can go and help dad.”
She was right. Even though tending to the horses was not very thrilling, I got to spend some personal time with my dad, which hardly ever happens due to him being away a lot. I rose slowly out of my bed and put on some clothes. “There’s a good girl. Now hurry to the Guild. I’ve got to meet Gogan.”

* * *

“Now, what do we know about draining health?”
I was sat at a desk in the Guild, tears of tiredness streaming down my face. Mother’s lessons were boring. That’s the only word to describe it. She was adamant that I become at least an Apprentice in Restoration before I set out on my adventures, But I was only 12. I wasn’t going anywhere just yet.
“Mother, I know all this. To drain health you have to get up real close to the enemy then BAM, health draining goodness.”
“Well, no, you have to touch the enemy to drain its health. Have you even been listening Lissa?”
There was an awkward silence, but I spoke up. “No.”
“Lissa!”
“I’m sorry Mother, but I just don’t understand why I have to learn so much RIGHT now. I’m not leaving until I’m 21”
Mothers eyes turned from angry, to sympathetic. She walked over from the bookshelf and perched next to me. Her hand touched mine. “I know honey, I’m sorry. It’s just that I worry. I just want you to be completely safe for when you venture out into the world. If I know that I’ve contributed to your safety, I won’t worry as much.”
I felt incredibly guilty after Mother told me this. “Oh… sorry Mother. I didn’t know you felt like that. Ok… I wanna keep going.”
“No, Lissa, You’re right. I’m pushing too much on you.” She stood up, walked over to the coat rack and grabbed my coat. “That’s enough for today. Go and see your Father.”
Mother smiled at me. I ran up to her and kissed her on the cheek, grabbed the coat from her hand and left.

* * *

“LISSA!”

I turned to see Maelona running towards me. “You left this at home.”
She was holding the jade necklace she bought me for my sixth birthday. My most treasured possession.
“Oh, thanks, where’d you find it?”
“Under your pillow. You need to take care of it. It’s magic, you know.” She smiled and handed me the necklace.
“It sure is Mae. I gotta go see Dad. See you later.”
We exchanged hugs and Maelona ran back towards Gogan. They were sitting by the big oak tree opposite the Mages Guild. Maelona spent all her time there. It seemed a bit boring to me. I headed to the main gate to get to the stables.

* * *

“Sorry honey but the horses are all sorted.”
Dad leaned on the fence of the stables. We had a lot of horses, but not one of them were ours.
“Oh… That’s ok. I’ll go back and see Mother, then.”
“Actually, I had something else planned.”
My eyes lit up. “Ooh, what is it?”
Dad laughed. “Now if I told you that, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”
I was incredibly exited. Not only was I spending quality time with my Dad, but he had an amazing day planned. Things were looking perfect.

* * *

Dad and I went on a little journey along the Gold Coast. It was about as exciting as getting pinched by a mudcrab, but I loved it. I was with my dad. We were walking along the coast, the sun burning its gaze into our skin when Dad suddenly stopped in his tracks. My attention met with what caught his; a young Bosmer girl being chased by what I could only assume were bandits. Dad unsheathed his mighty Blade and said:
"Honey, go back home. Daddy's gotta take care of somethin'." His tone was serious. Mine was not.
"But Daddy, I wanna go with you. I'm not scared."
He knelt down to my level. His eyes met mine.
"I know you're not, honey, but do this for me. Ok?"
After a pause I nodded, my eyes obviously showed my dissapointment. Dad kissed my forehead, rose to his feet and chased the Bandits.

After Dad was out of sight I headed back to Anvil. But then I stopped. I needed to know that Dad was ok, so I turned back around and ran in the direction my Dad had gone. I was disobeying his orders, and I didn't care.

The fresh footprints in the sand led to a solitary cave, which I entered without fear. All I could see was black. All I could hear was the lonley sound of water dripping from above. All I could feel was supressed fear.

I grabbed a torch that hung loosely from the cave wall. Luckily, i knew a minor flare spell, so lighting the torch was no big deal. It was big, though. I looked like an idiot holding it. The moment the heavy torch was lit, horror filled my body and caused my skin to freeze.

Bodies. Lots of bodies.

The bodies of the bandits, bodies of villagers... and the body of the Bosmer. The fear on her face terrified me. She looked so scared. Her eyes were haunting. The smell was horrible. Some of the bodies could have been there for days, or weeks, or months! That was a horrible thought.
But what kind of monster could have done that?

But then I noticed something. Dad was nowhere to be seen.

And the dead had blade marks etched into their bodies. The weapon Dad took into the cave with him.

Only one question filled my head.

Did Dad do this?

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 15 2011, 02:13 PM

[Destri Melarg]

Hi Rihanae. I’m Destri. I was hooked at ‘Redguard Archress’. We can never have enough Redguard stories, in my opinion.

SubRosa’s advice to you after the first post was right on target (as is usual with her). I got the impression that you might have been a bit confused as to how to remedy the tendency to info dump. And I also know that there aren’t a lot of examples to give you a concrete knowledge of what all of that really means. I am certainly no expert, but I might be able to help.

Take this statement made by Maelona in the prologue:

“Look, Liss, You know what Mother’s like. You want to be a world famous explorer. That’s good. But Mother wants you to be safe, hence the ten hours a week of Restoration lessons.”

The two bold sentences are an info dump. All of the information presented already exists through action in the story. We see Mother’s worry when she clings to Lissa during the lesson, and explains her motivations for it. We see Lissa’s penchant for exploration when she ventures into that cave, in spite of her father’s orders. Like ‘Rosa said, you are already showing us these things organically through the story.

Now take Maelona. She goes into that room at the beginning of the story to wake up her sister. The fact that she gently scolds her sister in the process gives us at least an inkling of their relationship, which is reaffirmed when she retrieves her sister’s wayward amulet. Without telling us we are led to the conclusion that Maelona is the older sister who loves Lissa very much. And like an older sibling she feels responsible for her sister, even when that sister can be exasperating. That’s what you’ve shown us in the space of a few lines of dialogue and action without telling us anything other than the fact that Lissa is late for her Restoration lesson. That is effective writing.

Prologue Part 2:

I found the solution to the mystery presented in the first part of the prologue interesting. Lissa’s father was herding ‘sustenance’ to that cave to keep a vampire from preying on his family. I especially liked the fact that, as he died, he viewed his actions as cowardly. That speaks volumes of his sense of right and wrong and makes him easy to respect as a character. That was why it was so hard to see him exit so early. I can also understand why his death prompted Lissa to adjust her planned date of departure.

Chapter 1:

This felt a little rushed to me. It was almost as if you wanted to get the boring bits in Hammerfell over with so that the real story could begin. Be careful not to make that mistake. In Jak and Falvor you give us two incredibly uncommon personages . . . namely Redguard mages. In Hammerfell! As a rule Redguards revile and despise the use of magick, and they feel an almost pathological mistrust of those who practice it. Covering the year that Lissa spends with Jak in the space of a single sentence cheats yourself (and the reader) of some wonderful story possibilities. During that year we could have seen her grow as a person (as well as an archress). We could have seen her confronted with the intolerance and cruelty of members of her own race who hate her new friend and mentor. We could have been given some indication of her growing fondness for Jak that would have resonated with us when she finds herself forced to leave him.

I also thought it was strange that, once you established Lissa’s guardian spirit, you chose to keep him/her silent during and after Falvor’s reading.

Chapter 2

I absolutely loved this:

I remained in the shadows, creeping past the intellectually challenged creatures, eventually making it to the exit. As I began to head out, something brittle snapped under my foot. I jerked my head up and round, to be met by the stares of every goblin in that cavern.

Just as Lissa is getting a little full of herself, fate (or the Nine) decides to knock her down!

Once again ‘Rosa’s nits are well observed. I have nothing to add to them. Likewise TK’s advice on the use of numbers (and on the use of conjunctions) is sound.

I’ll look forward to more.