Memoirs of a Madwoman, a novel... by Rebecca Watters Options

[Lady Syl]

Prologue
Undisclosed Location in
the Shivering Isles, the
Realm of Sheogorath
3E 433

Looking at my reflection in the mirror before me, clad in the robe of an Order Priest, I never thought that this was where I would end up. I have betrayed my Lord Sheogorath. I am now an enemy of the man I once worshipped as the Madgod. He had been everything to me, just as He is everything to all of His loyal subjects, Manic and Demented alike. But now He is a man I despise. Sheogorath went too far when He allowed that outsider to come into the Realm and usurp the throne of Mania. Now I want Him to pay for what He did to Thadon, and to me, and to all that I loved. He took from me every person, everything that ever brought me joy and love, replacing it instead with fear, pain, and sorrow. He couldn’t stand the fact that my heart might love another more than it loved Him, so He took from me anyone He saw as a threat to my devotion to Him. How I didn’t see it before is almost shameful. But then, He keeps the truth hidden from us beneath the heavy and binding layers of madness which He claims is a blessing. That is the truth of the Shivering Isles. All of us that live here have been “blessed” with madness.

But no longer am I bound by those chains. The blessing of Order has freed me from slavery to that prattling fool, and my mind is no longer bogged down with insanity. I have come to a place of clarity for the first time in my life. I can now see how my life might have been, if not for Sheogorath and His Realm of Madness. Had I been given the chance to steer my own course, I might have led a normal life of no consequence. I might even have been happy. Instead, I am filled with anguish, and I feel as if my heart has been torn into a million tiny pieces while it still beat in my chest. Death will come swiftly; I no longer fear it, and I will welcome it with open arms. Only in death can I hope to find peace for what I have done. But even then, I may find nothing more than punishment—who is to say?

Thadon believed that when we die, we would all go to a place of perfect bliss and live together for all of eternity, never to feel pain again. But then, Thadon lived much of his life in his own false sense of bliss, a world created in his own mind with the help of his precious drugs. What a fool he was. And yet, what a beautiful soul he had. Even with all of his faults, I loved him. I still do, I guess. Our people can’t understand how a relationship ever developed between us; if you look at it from the outside, it’s easy to be shocked and confused by such an unlikely pair as Thadon and I. But one has to look much deeper, and return to the very beginning to understand. There is more to the story than what has been told, and only my heart still holds the truth of our love. Our love, conflicted by our madness as it was, was beautiful and pure. No one can understand that without knowing how it all began, and there is only one other person alive now who knows how the story goes. I began recording my story before the truth of my insane state became clear to me, and I gave it to a trusted confidant because I believe she will keep my story safely hidden away until the time is right for it to be revealed. Perhaps it never will be. One can only hope.

There is more to my life than what is here and now. I’ve lived 37 years, all within this Realm, and for an elf, I’m still very young. But in 37 years, I’ve had enough misery to last me an entire elven lifetime, and I’m ready to move on—whether to punishment or eternal bliss—or, more frighteningly, to nothingness. Whatever awaits me, I will face it with courage. I have no choice. The time has come, and I must answer the call, even at the cost of life itself, if necessary. And I take with me the only remaining link to Thadon that I have. The rest I leave behind me, and I pray that my story will not be lost. There is so much to it that has yet to be told, and all of it is part of who I am and who I was before. The events in my life have shaped me, like formless clay is molded into a twisted and beautiful masterpiece by the hands of a Demented artist. Everything that has happened to me has brought me to where I stand now, and it was all beyond my control. But the things I have witnessed, and the suffering that I have endured will not go down in history. Those who survive will view me only as a traitor, and I will be reviled.

But perhaps the time will come when my story can be told, and maybe then I will not be so misunderstood by all who have heard the echo of my name, trembled at the sound of my voice, and looked upon my cold and hardened face. So many have feared me. So many have ridiculed and betrayed me. And so many have seen me only as an enemy without a heart. But that is not all that true; I am not so cold and heartless as I have appeared. Like with each person, man or mer, there is more to me than what is seen on the outside. There are layers of emotion, thought, and experience that compose the depths of who and what I am. There is a side to me that was broken, and hidden away for many years. To those who truly knew me, I was a loyal friend, a doting mother, and a passionate lover. However, most people do not see the world for what it is. They see everything around them with a narrow view, and do not look beyond what is plain to see. Though I am a woman with a broken soul and a beating heart, to most I am only the Lady of Darkness, or the Mistress of Death. To them I am simply Syl, Duchess of Dementia….

Syl in Order robes

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: Sep 2 2011, 03:58 AM

[Lady Syl]

SubRosa: What a disappointment, right? No more parties, no more sex, no more goth makeup! Ada is laying down the law once again, but will Syl submit? She can only take so much confinement before she needs to break free--a bird cannot do well trapped inside a tiny gilded cage. You hit it right when you pointed out the changes in Syl's relationship with Muurine, also. Eloquently spoken!

Acadian: Though I don't want to do it too often, I do like having her swing back to the present sometimes as she writes. Hinting at what is to come while offering a little more depth into her current thoughts and feelings about her past is essential to her character, I think.

And that torch she burns for Thadon is surely what gets them both into trouble at the end. Sheogorath will not tolerate it forever, though he does so enjoy toying with them and watching them squirm. In many ways, I intend to paint Sheogorath as something of a villain in this story, as he rightly is. However, even he is cursed with madness, so he is a likeable villain--we feel torn right along with Syl, as far as the Madgod is concerned...

mALX: Yes, SubRosa has an excellent and beautiful way of speaking--she pulls it all out so nicely in the way she writes, I agree.

And I'm so glad you noticed the struggle in Syl-the pushing and pulling of everyone in her life, as she grows and develops will be a key feature in her story. In a way, she is tormented by the struggle of good and evil, more so than most people perhaps, because of the Realm of madness... Her spirit is good and light, but the insanity which inflicts her fights to consume her in its darkness. We see the result of it in the game, somewhat, of course.

And not to worry--there is a great deal to cover before I get to the end. I'll cover most of Syl's life between the first and second books, so there is much more to come!



Chapter 6.1--Matchmaker

Sneaking out of the palace after my father had told me no more parties was entirely impossible, as he had a Dark Seducer posted right outside my door like a sentinel, day and night. Muurine was chastised for allowing me to go, even though I swore to my father that she knew nothing about it. He knew better than to believe us, and he sent Muurine away, saying that I had no need for a governess anymore. She went back to living at her uncle’s house again, so she was still nearby, and Father always allowed her to visit. At least this way she had more freedom to do as she pleased, and she didn’t have to be so tied down to raising me, especially now that I was grown.

My father promised that if he saw enough improvement in my studies, I may be allowed to go out on occasion, with an escort and a chaperone, to make sure no one might try to harm me. But what he would consider satisfactory improvement was nearly impossible to accomplish, and my life became dull and tedious. I needed an escape—a way out of this pointless existence. But with the Dark Seducer standing guard over me everywhere I went, that seemed to be out of the question, and the only thing I could do to enjoy myself was to go into the practice chamber to work on my combat skills, which had been greatly reduced because of my neglect.

Most of the time I stuck with blades and bows, both of which I had developed a passion for. I enjoyed hunting with my father from time to time, but he had lost interest of late, and he would not allow me to go out alone, so I was on the verge of giving up archery altogether. But then an old friend showed up, right in the nick of time.

Sindorin had not been to Crucible in nearly seven years. He was little changed since that time—but I was a completely different story. Now that I was a grown woman of seventeen, Sindorin didn’t even recognize me when Muurine brought him to the palace the day he arrived for a visit. I had been out walking the palace grounds—the closest thing to freedom I got anymore—when they came in the door from Crucible. He took one look at me, and he was swept away. He stopped in his tracks and looked at me with his mouth agape and his eyes wide with attraction. Muurine stood silently when I approached them, waiting for him to figure out who I was on his own.

“Good day, madwoman,” he said, bowing politely and pressing my hand to his lips. He could barely take his eyes off me, and I can’t begin to express how good it made me feel—finally, after all those years, he saw me not as a child, but as a woman.

“Good day,” I replied with a lady-like dip, looking at him intently, and waiting for him to realize who I was. Unlike Muurine, though, I wasn’t patient enough to wait, so I dropped a subtle hint. “It is so good to see you again, Sindorin of Ashwood. It has been so long.”

He looked at me for a moment, completely dumbfounded. “Sorry, do I…do I know you?”

Muurine choked back a laugh while I smiled with amusement at his confusion. Then I said, “Have you forgotten me already? It has only been seven years. I’ve not changed so much, except, perhaps, that I have grown…”

Realizing suddenly who I was, he gasped and looked me over, surprised and perhaps even a bit uncomfortable. “Syl?! By the Madgod, look at you! You’re all grown up!”

“Does this surprise you?”

“Well, no; I mean, ah…I just wasn’t expecting you to be so…so grown up…”

Muurine shook her head and chuckled, placing her hands on his shoulders, but speaking to me. “He means appealing.”

“No, I don’t!” he protested, blushing a bit. Then he turned back to me, and said, “I mean…it’s not that you’re…not appealing; it’s just that…well, I’m sure it would not be appropriate for me to…. Aunt Muurine, you’re not helping!”

“Why don’t we go inside,” I suggested, trying to ease his discomfort. “I’m sure my father would be glad to see you.”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” he agreed. Then we all started toward the palace.

As we walked up the stairs together, Muurine turned to me, and whispered, “He means appealing.”

I giggled and glanced over at Sindorin, who seemed all too embarrassed and uncomfortable. Then we went inside the House of Dementia to see my father. He was glad to see Sindorin, as he had always been fond of him. He was like the son that my father had never had, and the two of them got along perfectly in those days.

After catching up with my father for awhile, Sindorin excused himself and went out to the palace grounds alone. He seemed to be in a more solemn mood than what was normal for him, and Muurine prompted me to follow after him when my father became distracted again with you know who….

Sindorin was standing on the lower battlements, leaning on the railing and gazing pensively out at the waterfalls that cascaded from the mountains nearby. He didn’t hear me approaching, so I startled him when I said, “I thought you had left.”

He turned his head to look at me as he startled, then he let out a sigh and stood up, smiling faintly as he tried to avoid looking at me. “No, I was…just getting some fresh air.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“About what’s bothering you,” I replied. “Or, am I mistaken?”

“No,” he said with a sigh. “You’re not mistaken….” He paused for a moment and looked up at me finally, and I could see the longing in his eyes. “I just wasn’t expecting you to have changed so much.”

“Does this displease you?”

“No, not at all. On the contrary, it…it overwhelms me….”

“In what way?”

He looked at me again for a moment, and then asked, “Do you really not know, Syl? Are you truly that naïve; or are you simply playing with me as women often like to do with men?”

I didn’t reply. I honestly didn’t know what to say. It was a bit of both—I was delighted by his attraction to me, and I longed to hear him come right out and say it. But I also had a hard time believing it was true, if only because I had dreamed of this for so long. Finally, he sighed and let out a despairing groan.

“You were only a child when I saw you last! And now…you’re a woman. And you’re…you’re…. By the Madgod! You’re beautiful. I never thought I could have these kinds of feelings for you, Syl. I’m thirty-seven years old, and you’re just a child to me. And yet…you’re not. You…you’re the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen, and I feel… like it’s wrong for me to feel this way for you. And yet…nothing feels more right.”

He became quiet suddenly, and he dared himself to look up at me again, curious to see how I was going to react to his outburst of despair. I stood there, quiet and serene, watching him thoughtfully as he examined my face for any hint of what I was thinking. Then he let out a sigh of frustration. “Madgod, you’re impossible to read!” he cried, throwing up his hands and turning away in shame, saying, “I’m sorry I ever said anything. I should have known better….”

Before he could leave or say anything more, I reached up and took him by the face, bringing his lips down to mine and kissing him passionately. He was stunned, but then he settled into the kiss and wrapped him arms around me, kissing back. When we stopped, he looked at me with question, unsure of what to say, or even to think. I smiled.

“Don’t you see?” I asked quietly, with tears in my eyes. “I have longed for the moment you would say these things to me, ever since I was that little girl on your shoulder. I just never thought this day would ever really come.”

He looked at me a moment longer, in disbelief. Then a soft smile spread across his lips, and he bent down to kiss me again. Everything about that moment seemed perfect, and I never wanted it to end. Nothing could have brought me down from that place of sheer bliss—until we heard Muurine’s voice coming from behind us, and we both came back to reality.

“Well, what have we here?” she was asking, a knowing smile on her lips. “Is that my nephew locking lips with my Syl? How exquisite! The two of you would make a charming couple, I daresay.”

We were both embarrassed that we’d been caught, but at least it was only Muurine. If it had been anyone else, it might not have gone over so well.

Sindorin let out a sigh, and said, “Hello, Aunt Muurine. What is it that brings you our way?”

“Oh, I was just wondering where you’d both gone off to…. But now I know.”

“How convenient,” he said, rolling his eyes a little, knowing full well that she’d had every intention of finding us together, in one way or another. Muurine was very sly like that, and I’d confided in her my feelings for Sindorin, so it didn’t surprise me in the least.

“Well,” she said with a smile, “forgive me for having interrupted. I suppose I’ll have to be more careful where I take my walks from now on.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said Sindorin, still terribly embarrassed and somewhat annoyed.

Muurine turned to me now, and said, “Syl, my dear, your father is wondering where you’ve run off to. It’s time for you to resume your lessons.”

I sighed with annoyance, and then turned to Sindorin. “Perhaps we shall talk some more later?”

He smiled at me, and I felt the fluttering in my stomach that I’d read about in Alanwen’s romance novels. I was certainly in love with him.

“I should like that very much,” he said in reply to my question. Then he took my hand and pressed it to his lips, saying, “Sheogorath bless you, for all of your days.”

I smiled timidly then hurried off to the palace to resume my lessons for the rest of the day.

******

“Well, well,” said Muurine, after Syl had left her and Sindorin on the palace grounds. She was giving her nephew a knowing look, and it made him a little uncomfortable.

“What?” he asked, when she continued to smile at him.

“You tell me,” she replied. “This was rather unexpected.”

“Oh, come on, Muurine,” he said with a sigh. “Don’t tell me you didn’t at least have an inkling that this was going to happen. I know my dearest auntie better than that. I’ve seen how your mind works for all of my life. You were hoping to set me up with Syl, weren’t you?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” she replied; “not exactly… I mean, sure, I had hoped that you would both take a liking toward one another, now that you are both adults; but I wasn’t expecting anything so soon.”

“You didn’t know that she’s been harboring an infatuation with me ever since she was a child?” She wasn’t going to lie to him, but she wasn’t ready to admit to it. Sindorin knew, and he shook his head, a little amused. “That’s what I thought.”

“She has spoken to me about the subject,” she finally admitted, “but how did you know?”

“She told me, shortly before you ‘stumbled’ upon us,” he replied. “After I told her how much of a shock it was to me that I should suddenly feel this way for her…I mean, I barely know her.”

“She’s the same girl you knew before, Sindorin.”

“No, but she’s not. She is a woman now—a lady. And that’s what intrigues me all the more. She’s the same in all the ways that she ought to be; but in so many ways, she’s an entirely different person. It’s like I’m meeting her again for the very first time, yet the connection is still intact from before.”

“That’s exactly what it is,” said Muurine, with a smile. “You’re in love with her.”

“Am I?”

“I can see it. There is love blossoming between you and Syl, and it’s beautiful.”

“But is that possible?”

“Of course it is, Sindorin. Do you doubt your own heart?”

“No, but it seems too good--.”

“To be true?” she finished for him. “You’ll find, my boy, that sometimes the hardest things to believe are the ones which are closest to truth. That’s what makes them so special, I think. You just need to trust what is in your own heart, and never stray from it.”

“Since when did you become such a wise-woman?” he asked in a tease.

“Oh, hush,” she replied, rolling her eyes a little. “Come on; let’s get back to the house. We’ll return later, when Syl has finished with her lessons. She’ll most likely want to see you when she gets done with her studies, I’m sure. She’s been waiting for you for a long time.”

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: May 10 2011, 01:22 AM