Memoirs of a Madwoman, a novel... by Rebecca Watters Options

[Lady Syl]

Prologue
Undisclosed Location in
the Shivering Isles, the
Realm of Sheogorath
3E 433

Looking at my reflection in the mirror before me, clad in the robe of an Order Priest, I never thought that this was where I would end up. I have betrayed my Lord Sheogorath. I am now an enemy of the man I once worshipped as the Madgod. He had been everything to me, just as He is everything to all of His loyal subjects, Manic and Demented alike. But now He is a man I despise. Sheogorath went too far when He allowed that outsider to come into the Realm and usurp the throne of Mania. Now I want Him to pay for what He did to Thadon, and to me, and to all that I loved. He took from me every person, everything that ever brought me joy and love, replacing it instead with fear, pain, and sorrow. He couldn’t stand the fact that my heart might love another more than it loved Him, so He took from me anyone He saw as a threat to my devotion to Him. How I didn’t see it before is almost shameful. But then, He keeps the truth hidden from us beneath the heavy and binding layers of madness which He claims is a blessing. That is the truth of the Shivering Isles. All of us that live here have been “blessed” with madness.

But no longer am I bound by those chains. The blessing of Order has freed me from slavery to that prattling fool, and my mind is no longer bogged down with insanity. I have come to a place of clarity for the first time in my life. I can now see how my life might have been, if not for Sheogorath and His Realm of Madness. Had I been given the chance to steer my own course, I might have led a normal life of no consequence. I might even have been happy. Instead, I am filled with anguish, and I feel as if my heart has been torn into a million tiny pieces while it still beat in my chest. Death will come swiftly; I no longer fear it, and I will welcome it with open arms. Only in death can I hope to find peace for what I have done. But even then, I may find nothing more than punishment—who is to say?

Thadon believed that when we die, we would all go to a place of perfect bliss and live together for all of eternity, never to feel pain again. But then, Thadon lived much of his life in his own false sense of bliss, a world created in his own mind with the help of his precious drugs. What a fool he was. And yet, what a beautiful soul he had. Even with all of his faults, I loved him. I still do, I guess. Our people can’t understand how a relationship ever developed between us; if you look at it from the outside, it’s easy to be shocked and confused by such an unlikely pair as Thadon and I. But one has to look much deeper, and return to the very beginning to understand. There is more to the story than what has been told, and only my heart still holds the truth of our love. Our love, conflicted by our madness as it was, was beautiful and pure. No one can understand that without knowing how it all began, and there is only one other person alive now who knows how the story goes. I began recording my story before the truth of my insane state became clear to me, and I gave it to a trusted confidant because I believe she will keep my story safely hidden away until the time is right for it to be revealed. Perhaps it never will be. One can only hope.

There is more to my life than what is here and now. I’ve lived 37 years, all within this Realm, and for an elf, I’m still very young. But in 37 years, I’ve had enough misery to last me an entire elven lifetime, and I’m ready to move on—whether to punishment or eternal bliss—or, more frighteningly, to nothingness. Whatever awaits me, I will face it with courage. I have no choice. The time has come, and I must answer the call, even at the cost of life itself, if necessary. And I take with me the only remaining link to Thadon that I have. The rest I leave behind me, and I pray that my story will not be lost. There is so much to it that has yet to be told, and all of it is part of who I am and who I was before. The events in my life have shaped me, like formless clay is molded into a twisted and beautiful masterpiece by the hands of a Demented artist. Everything that has happened to me has brought me to where I stand now, and it was all beyond my control. But the things I have witnessed, and the suffering that I have endured will not go down in history. Those who survive will view me only as a traitor, and I will be reviled.

But perhaps the time will come when my story can be told, and maybe then I will not be so misunderstood by all who have heard the echo of my name, trembled at the sound of my voice, and looked upon my cold and hardened face. So many have feared me. So many have ridiculed and betrayed me. And so many have seen me only as an enemy without a heart. But that is not all that true; I am not so cold and heartless as I have appeared. Like with each person, man or mer, there is more to me than what is seen on the outside. There are layers of emotion, thought, and experience that compose the depths of who and what I am. There is a side to me that was broken, and hidden away for many years. To those who truly knew me, I was a loyal friend, a doting mother, and a passionate lover. However, most people do not see the world for what it is. They see everything around them with a narrow view, and do not look beyond what is plain to see. Though I am a woman with a broken soul and a beating heart, to most I am only the Lady of Darkness, or the Mistress of Death. To them I am simply Syl, Duchess of Dementia….

Syl in Order robes

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: Sep 2 2011, 03:58 AM

[Lady Syl]

mALX--Thanks! We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

Acadian--Thanks! Sindorin was Syl's first love, so of course I had to bring him back into the story for a little while.

TK--Will her life get better, you ask? Probably not. I am glad you are enjoying her tale of sex, blood, and madness, TK. There is so much more to come--hopefully you continue to hang around!

SubRosa--lmao! Yes, I suppose there could be a few broken necks... But then again, the Demented seem rather fond of breaking necks, so maybe they left it with the hope that someone would slip on it?



Chapter 6.2—The Caged Bird

I studied for a couple of hours straight, but all I could think about was Sindorin. The way it had felt to kiss him, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at me with yearning—it was just like everything I had read about, and I had never felt this way before now. It was exciting and new, and I felt like I was living in a dream. I could hardly concentrate on my studies, but I knew that my father expected progress, so I tried to focus on what I was supposed to be doing. And yet, I couldn’t stop my mind from straying to my girlish fantasies again. I wondered, what would it be like when he made love to me for the very first time? He had plenty of experience, I was sure of it, as he’d spent a lot of time with other ladies of my father’s court who were eligible, and I had seen him flirting often when I was a child. I had been filled with envy then, but now I was the one he wanted, and I was thrilled by this new stage of my life.

Sitting at my desk, a book laying there open before me, I was in the middle of my fantasizing when a Seducer approached me. I sat up and cleared my throat uncomfortably, feeling my face grow hot as I hoped that the Seducer could not somehow read my mind and see the things of which I had been thinking.

She bowed respectfully, paying no attention to what I was supposed to have been doing, and saying, “His Lordship wishes to see you, my lady. He is waiting in the garden for you presently.”

“Thank you,” I said, putting on my regal exterior, while inside I was still incredibly embarrassed.

As the Seducer walked out, I got up and closed the book, then made my way to the private garden, using the entrance that was just a short distance from my quarters. My father was waiting, just as the Seducer had said; I got down on my knees, kissing his hands in a respectful greeting, as usual. He smiled down at me and waited, then helped me to rise. He had me take his arm and we began walking together around the garden.

“It is good to see Sindorin again after so many years, isn’t it?” he began. Oh, Madgod, did he know? But he continued, saying, “I have always thought of him like a son, you know.”

“Yes, Ada,” I replied in a quiet voice. “You’ve known him since he was a boy, have you not?”

He nodded once, and then cleared his throat. “He is a fine marksman, Syl. If you would like, I will allow the two of you to go out riding together, so you can practice your archery some more with him. I know you haven’t been out in a long time, and it would be good for you to get some practice again.”

“I would like that very much, Ada.”

“Good. Then it is all settled. You will spend your afternoons riding with Sindorin, for as long as he is willing to remain in Crucible. I have already spoken to him on this matter, and he was open to it. Of course, you will be chaperoned.”

“Of course,” I replied, hiding my disappointment. “I would expect as much.”

My father smiled and patted my hand, but he remained thoughtful for awhile. Finally, I asked if there was something else he wished to talk to me about. He sighed a bit uncomfortably, and then stopped to look me in the eye. “Syl, I want you to be happy,” he began. “You know that, yes?”

“Yes,” I replied, still a bit confused. “Ada, is something the matter?”

He sighed, then straightened himself and cleared his throat, seeming to put it behind him. “Never mind…. You should return to your studies. Perhaps we will talk another time? For now, I have much work to do.”

He bent down to kiss me on the forehead, then smiled at me. “You look so like your mother….”

I was pleased with this, and I smiled delightedly. Then my smile faded, and I said, “I miss her.”

His eyes were teary, and I was surprised at how vulnerable he seemed; it was so unlike him…. He nodded slowly, and softly said, “I miss her, too; more than you know…. Well, to your studies then. I will see you at supper tonight. Try not to be late, as you know it displeases me.”

“Yes, Ada, I will try.”

“Good. I shall see you then.”

He squeezed my hand, and then walked toward the main hall, leaving me there in the garden alone. His Seducers continued their patrolling, paying no more attention to me than was necessary, and I leaned back against a boulder there and sighed. I had never seen my father that way before, and it worried me. What was he thinking just then? Why had he looked at me that way, almost as if he were looking at a ghost from his past? He claimed that he missed my mother, yet only days before I had heard him telling Alanwen how glad he was to be rid of her. It had injured me to hear that, but I had tried to ignore it. And now he was telling me that he missed her? Was he lying to me, or to Alanwen? And whatever the case was, why?

******

The next afternoon, I went out with Sindorin, and we rode side by side, smiling at each other frequently, as lovers often do when they are unable to express their feelings any other way. The two Seducers followed behind us just a short distance away, and I knew they had been instructed to be sure nothing happened between Sindorin and I. They watched us closely, ready to report anything to my father which might be considered indecent. We laughed about it with each other, but it really made us considerably nervous.

When he helped me to hold my bow, he knew I had been studying archery for several years, but he used this as an opportunity to get close to me. He stood behind me, with his body so close to mine, and I’m sure the Seducers knew what we were doing. They knew I wasn’t a novice archer, so I hardly needed him to instruct me on the proper stance, but we did it anyway, as there was nothing they could do about it.

He placed his hands upon my waist, to straighten me properly, and I struggled to concentrate on my bow, instead of his hands on my body. When I was ready, I shot at the target he had posted on a tree, and I purposely missed. He knew what I was up to, and he smiled a bit then came over to ‘show me’ the proper stance again, this time helping me to shoot. It was just a little game we were playing, as it was all that we could get away with in such circumstances, but we were hardly interested in archery at that moment.

After I had shot a few arrows, he took me over to retrieve them all, pretending to be explaining to me what I needed to improve on, while the Seducers continued to keep an eye on me. When we were far enough away that they couldn’t overhear us, though, he stopped talking archery, and said, “I missed you terribly. I had hoped I would get to see you again last night, but you were still at your studies.”

I smiled and raised my brow a little. “Last night?”

“Well, I mean…yesterday before supper. I went to the palace to see you, but your father told me you were unable to accept any visitors.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “He won’t let me have any fun. He says I don’t study hard enough, but I’m studying all the time. If he’d just let up a little, and allow me to go out from time to time, I might actually study harder, because it would not get so boring, as it does when I’m at it all day long.”

He reached out to touch my cheek, and I closed my eyes to his touch. “Have patience, little Syl. He’s your father. He can’t help being hard on you, because he wants you to have a successful life.”

“Success at what? If he had his way, I’d be locked in the palace until he could marry me off to one of his courtiers. He doesn’t want me to be free. I’m like a little songbird in a gilded cage, and he’s my captor.”

Sindorin glanced over at the Seducers, who were still watching us like hawks. “Madgod, don’t they ever blink?”

I smiled. “My father has them watching us, to make sure you don’t do anything indecent to me.”

He blushed and cleared his throat uncomfortably, saying, “I would never take your innocence from you.”

“I’m not that innocent,” I replied, meeting his eyes before retrieving my arrows from the target and heading back to continue the practice.

I glanced back over my shoulder at him, and I could see he was still stunned, as he leaned on the tree. When he recovered from his surprise, he stood up and followed, clearing his throat again and saying, “Well, shall we continue with our lesson?”

“You’re the teacher,” I replied, casting him a smile that seemed to make him struggle to concentrate.

“All right, then,” he said, trying to clear his head. “We shall do a few more rounds, and then we’ll return to the palace. What do you say?”

“That sounds marvelous,” I answered, and he cast me an almost chastising look when I continued giving him an enticing stare. If only we hadn’t been chaperoned just then…. But with my father controlling the reigns, when would we not be?

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: May 17 2011, 10:56 PM