Memoirs of a Madwoman, a novel... by Rebecca Watters Options

[Lady Syl]

Prologue
Undisclosed Location in
the Shivering Isles, the
Realm of Sheogorath
3E 433

Looking at my reflection in the mirror before me, clad in the robe of an Order Priest, I never thought that this was where I would end up. I have betrayed my Lord Sheogorath. I am now an enemy of the man I once worshipped as the Madgod. He had been everything to me, just as He is everything to all of His loyal subjects, Manic and Demented alike. But now He is a man I despise. Sheogorath went too far when He allowed that outsider to come into the Realm and usurp the throne of Mania. Now I want Him to pay for what He did to Thadon, and to me, and to all that I loved. He took from me every person, everything that ever brought me joy and love, replacing it instead with fear, pain, and sorrow. He couldn’t stand the fact that my heart might love another more than it loved Him, so He took from me anyone He saw as a threat to my devotion to Him. How I didn’t see it before is almost shameful. But then, He keeps the truth hidden from us beneath the heavy and binding layers of madness which He claims is a blessing. That is the truth of the Shivering Isles. All of us that live here have been “blessed” with madness.

But no longer am I bound by those chains. The blessing of Order has freed me from slavery to that prattling fool, and my mind is no longer bogged down with insanity. I have come to a place of clarity for the first time in my life. I can now see how my life might have been, if not for Sheogorath and His Realm of Madness. Had I been given the chance to steer my own course, I might have led a normal life of no consequence. I might even have been happy. Instead, I am filled with anguish, and I feel as if my heart has been torn into a million tiny pieces while it still beat in my chest. Death will come swiftly; I no longer fear it, and I will welcome it with open arms. Only in death can I hope to find peace for what I have done. But even then, I may find nothing more than punishment—who is to say?

Thadon believed that when we die, we would all go to a place of perfect bliss and live together for all of eternity, never to feel pain again. But then, Thadon lived much of his life in his own false sense of bliss, a world created in his own mind with the help of his precious drugs. What a fool he was. And yet, what a beautiful soul he had. Even with all of his faults, I loved him. I still do, I guess. Our people can’t understand how a relationship ever developed between us; if you look at it from the outside, it’s easy to be shocked and confused by such an unlikely pair as Thadon and I. But one has to look much deeper, and return to the very beginning to understand. There is more to the story than what has been told, and only my heart still holds the truth of our love. Our love, conflicted by our madness as it was, was beautiful and pure. No one can understand that without knowing how it all began, and there is only one other person alive now who knows how the story goes. I began recording my story before the truth of my insane state became clear to me, and I gave it to a trusted confidant because I believe she will keep my story safely hidden away until the time is right for it to be revealed. Perhaps it never will be. One can only hope.

There is more to my life than what is here and now. I’ve lived 37 years, all within this Realm, and for an elf, I’m still very young. But in 37 years, I’ve had enough misery to last me an entire elven lifetime, and I’m ready to move on—whether to punishment or eternal bliss—or, more frighteningly, to nothingness. Whatever awaits me, I will face it with courage. I have no choice. The time has come, and I must answer the call, even at the cost of life itself, if necessary. And I take with me the only remaining link to Thadon that I have. The rest I leave behind me, and I pray that my story will not be lost. There is so much to it that has yet to be told, and all of it is part of who I am and who I was before. The events in my life have shaped me, like formless clay is molded into a twisted and beautiful masterpiece by the hands of a Demented artist. Everything that has happened to me has brought me to where I stand now, and it was all beyond my control. But the things I have witnessed, and the suffering that I have endured will not go down in history. Those who survive will view me only as a traitor, and I will be reviled.

But perhaps the time will come when my story can be told, and maybe then I will not be so misunderstood by all who have heard the echo of my name, trembled at the sound of my voice, and looked upon my cold and hardened face. So many have feared me. So many have ridiculed and betrayed me. And so many have seen me only as an enemy without a heart. But that is not all that true; I am not so cold and heartless as I have appeared. Like with each person, man or mer, there is more to me than what is seen on the outside. There are layers of emotion, thought, and experience that compose the depths of who and what I am. There is a side to me that was broken, and hidden away for many years. To those who truly knew me, I was a loyal friend, a doting mother, and a passionate lover. However, most people do not see the world for what it is. They see everything around them with a narrow view, and do not look beyond what is plain to see. Though I am a woman with a broken soul and a beating heart, to most I am only the Lady of Darkness, or the Mistress of Death. To them I am simply Syl, Duchess of Dementia….

Syl in Order robes

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: Sep 2 2011, 03:58 AM

[Lady Syl]

SubRosa:Oops! I guess I'll have to fix that slip-up! Thanks for pointing it out!

Acadian:If only we could be certain of a lasting, healthy relationship between them... And Syl's father is one of those characters who just seem impossible to figure out... Even I am confusled [sic] by him sometimes, and I'm the one who created him, lol!

mALX:Thanks! I am, as always, pleased to know you are enjoying it!



Chapter 6.3

My father allowed Sindorin to take me on a two-day long hunting expedition over the weekend, and I was thrilled to be given a little more freedom. Of course, we were not allowed to go without a couple of Seducers for chaperones, so we were not completely alone together. Still, we would make the most of it, and we rode out together early one Fredas morning, with enough supplies to last us until Sundas.

After setting up camp, we took our bows and our quivers of arrows and headed away from the camp by foot, followed at a distance by the Seducers. We had chosen to go after grummites for sport, laying low behind some bushes and trees up on a hill outside of Knotty Bramble, one of the caves the grummites inhabited. There weren’t any grummites outside the cave guarding the entrance, which was unusual, so we waited leisurely for some to appear, talking in low voices until we heard their croaking voices as two of them came out of the Bramble.

It was then we turned our attentions to the frog-like grummites that walked upright and acted like primitive human-beings. The two we saw were huge, hulking giants, both of them carrying crude grummite cleavers—their deadliest weapons. They were some of the toughest of grummites—this we could tell by their size more than anything.

Screenshot--Grummite

“Well now, here we are,” Sindorin said in a low voice, readying his bow and watching them closely as they paced around, patrolling near the path to the entrance. “Watch closely, Syl, as I bring them down with one arrow each.”

I rolled my eyes and waited to see him shoot. He got up to his feet, crouching there and making his aim. Then, just when he was about to shoot, I gasped and reached out to grab his ankle, throwing him off and causing him to miss. I laughed quietly and got up as he sighed and looked down at me with annoyance.

“Very funny, Syl. Now you get to be the one to go retrieve the arrow from down in that swamp. I’ll not waste it—these are the best arrows money can buy, and they are very expensive. Much better than your obsidian arrows, I can say that.”

“Let me see them,” I said, holding out my hand. “I have yet to use a bow and arrows that can out do the ones the Dark Seducers use.”

“Be my guest,” he replied, handing me his bow and one of his arrows. “Let’s just see how well you do with these. They’re not what you’re used to, and it takes a lot of practice.”

I smiled faintly as I concentrated on my aim; then I released the arrow and we both watched as it glided gracefully through the air before striking one of the grummites right between the eyes, killing him instantly.

Sindorin was stunned; but then he recovered, and said, “Lucky shot.”

“Oh really? I’ll show you a lucky shot.”

With that, I pulled out one of my own arrows and shot again. This time the arrow went right through the other grummite’s temple, just as it was running over to its dead companion to see what had happened. He also died instantly, and I smiled and handed the bow back to Sindorin.

“Another lucky shot,” I said with a hint of good-humored sarcasm.

Sindorin took the bow and replaced it on his back, chuckling a bit, and saying, “Guess you showed me.”

“I guess I did,” I replied, flashing my eyes at him. “Did you forget how skilled I am with a bow?”

He let out a sigh and chuckled a bit, saying, “You could teach me a thing or two about archery, eh?”

I smiled and then we went down to search the bodies, taking bottles of poisons they had on them, as well as the cleavers they’d had on their belts.

“These weapons should fetch a nice sum at Morga’s don’t you think?” Sindorin asked, holding one of the cleavers up.

I smiled and placed my foot on one of the grummites to pull my arrow from his head. Then, after searching for Sindorin’s lost arrow together, locating it stuck in a stump near the marsh, we returned to our camp with our loot and cooked up the eggs we’d collected from the grummites’ egg sacks, to go with our meal. While the Seducers stood nearby, always on the look-out for danger, we dined on the grummite eggs, dried beef, fresh strawberries, and an assortment of fire-roasted vegetables, such as onions, fungus stalks, and blister pod caps. Sharing a bottle of cheap wine, we rested together beneath the shade of a willow tree, admiring the beauty of the landscape that surrounded us. Dementia is truly the most exquisite place in all existence, and I can’t imagine any place being more beautiful.

Sindorin laid back, resting on his elbow, while I rested upon my back with my eyes closed in the afternoon sunlight that drifted through the leaves on the tree as a gentle breeze blew. As I lay there, I felt his hand begin to gently stroke my cheek, and I looked up to see him smiling down at me, his crisp blue eyes brimming with pure love and admiration. I felt like the luckiest woman in all the Isles as he gazed at me that day, the afternoon sun shining down through the trees.

That night, when darkness fell and the Seducers stood guard over our camp, Sindorin snuck into my tent. He was wet from the rain that had begun to fall an hour or so earlier, and his loose hair fell over his face. I was completely in awe of this beautiful man who stood there before me—the man I had loved for so long. When he came to me, slipping his arms around my waist and drawing me close to his body, I was entirely swept away. This time, it felt like all the romantic stories I had read. I found that night, to my greatest delight, that love and sex could, in fact, be the same.

******

My father didn’t seem to notice the change between Sindorin and me after we returned from our hunting trip, and we continued to go out every afternoon together. However, he now sent three Seducers with us, and I knew that he suspected something. I felt eyes on me constantly, and it became rather annoying to have so little freedom living under his roof. The only way I could possibly escape that now, would be to move out, but that was never going to happen, as my father would never let me get out from under his authority. I felt like I would be trapped forever, but at least there was hunting and the archery lessons—the closest thing to freedom I ever got.

“Do you love me?” I asked Sindorin point-blank one afternoon, while out on our excursion, and he looked into my eyes when he gave his answer.

“You know that I do.”

“Then why don’t you ask my father to marry me? Then we can be together, and he’ll never bother us again.”

“Marriage?” he asked, straightening uncomfortably. “You—you want to marry me?”

I felt my face grow hot, and I realized I had spoken too brazenly. Muurine had told me many a time never to speak to a man about commitment unless he broached the subject first. Madgod, I was such a fool! “Well, I mean…it was just…. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t know what to say, and I felt like I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t let him see it, so I turned away and began heading for our horses, ready to leave.

“Syl, wait!” he called, running after me and grabbing my arm to stop me. The Seducers both became more alert, watching more closely as they perceived a possible threat. Sindorin realized himself and backed down, but they still watched us to be sure nothing happened, and he spoke in a voice only just above a whisper.

“Syl,” he said again, glancing at the Seducers for a moment, “I didn’t mean to make you feel as if marriage was not an option. I love you, and I want to spend my life with you, but…you’re still very young, and--.”

“I’m still only a child to you,” I cut in, not even bothering to lower my voice. “Don’t worry, I get it. You want to marry someone old and boring, not someone like me!”

The Seducers couldn’t help but listen now, as I was speaking rather loudly, and Sindorin stopped talking quietly, too. “Syl, now wait a minute! You know that’s not true. I want to marry no one but you, but you’re only seventeen. No elf is ever happy in marriage at such a young age. You need to experience more before you will be ready to settle down with anyone.”

“I’ve experienced plenty! If you think I’m just an ignorant and naïve little girl, then you know nothing about me at all. I know what I want, and it is you. I love you, Sindorin; I have loved you for as long as I have known you. What more do I need than that?”

Forgetting about the trouble we might get in, he pulled me into his arms and started kissing me passionately. But then he pulled away just as suddenly and grabbed the reins of his horse, leaving me stunned and rejected.

“What are you doing?” I asked, running to catch up as he began heading back to the road. “Why did you stop?”

“We can’t do this, Syl. I can’t have you.”

“Because of the Seducers?”

“Because of your father,” he replied, looking up at the palace on the cliff behind the city, both of which created a backdrop for all of this.

I looked at the palace, and I could see a figure standing by one of the windows on the palace grounds. I couldn’t see the person’s features, but I knew it was him. He had been watching us all this time, for who knows just how long.

“Come on,” Sindorin said to me. “We have to get back. I’m sure that he’ll be waiting for us when we get there.”

I took my horse’s reins and followed silently, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to cry. Part of me hated my father for doing this to me, but the other part of me strove only to please him. I feared what he would do to Sindorin, and to me, if that was him in the window, watching the whole scene from afar. I just prayed he would be lenient to us both.

This post has been edited by Lady Syl: May 23 2011, 02:14 AM