Story of a Battlemage Options

[Doommeister]

Hi Everyone

I would just like to say thanks to everyone who has inspired me to write a story, namely Acadian, Malx, H.E.R, Minque, Black Hand, and many others.

I know it's only a short start, but please bear with me.

I welcome any and all criticism, as I am only a new writer. Hope you enjoy

Arrival

I finally arrived at the Imperial City from Vvardenfall. The night before we docked I had a strange dream.

As I dreamed, I saw an old man in purple and blue robes, with three swordsmen fleeing through what looked like underground passages. they were ambushed by mortals in Daedric armour, and the old man was struck down.

His assassin grabbed an amulet from the old Imperial's neck, but was killed by the Redguard swordsman, who was screaming in anger. A rat came out of nowhere, grabbed the amulet, dodged the Redguard's grab and scurried off.

Strangely enough though, the old Imperial seemed to know I was watching, as he looked at me and desperately gasped out, "Find the Amulet of Kings and go to Jauffre in Chorrol."


Shaking, I was woken up by the ship's captain. Picking up my sword, armour, and several books I was led over to the Imperial Immigration office.

The stout Imperial who was sitting behind the large desk asked me a few questions, such as:

"What is your name, sera?"
I told him "Kael'thas Serethi"
"When were you born?"
I replied "30th Sun's Dawn 3E412"
"Your occupation?"
I said "Battlemage"
"And what is your purpose in coming to Cyrodiil?"

Getting frustrated with the ongoing questions, I spat out "I would like to explore this part of Tamriel. Is my interview over yet?"
The immigration officer sighed and told me to go.

As I walked out of the office, an Ayleid ruin seemed to jump into my sight.

This post has been edited by Doommeister: Jul 5 2011, 03:17 PM

[haute ecole rider]

First let me say welcome Doommeister, to the arena, as Acadian would put it.

It's a great outline, but that's pretty much it. But I have a ton of suggestions for you.

I would encourage you to flesh it out. How did these underground passages seem? Was the dreamer a mere camera (in other words, limited to sound and vision only) or was he there as an observer (he could smell the damp and rot, feel the slime on the walls and floor). As someone who regularly has vivid dreams, I can assure you that it's possible to dream texture, smell and taste as well as vision and sound (ironically enough, I'm not deaf in my dreams).

What were the old man and the swordspeople wearing? How did they seem? What emotions were visible on their faces, in the carriage of their bodies? Were they panicked? Or did they seem resolute? Did the old man seem resigned, or depressed (read Edward the Imperial's version of the Emperor- it's a riot!).

How did the dreamer feel about the attacks? Could he see the attackers? What was his reaction to being addressed by the old man?

I would also start off with this dream sequence without saying it's a dream. Draw the readers in there with the dreamer without being aware that it is a dream. Reveal it only at the end of the post. Then at the end, break it with the sounds and activity of the ship's arrival at the docks, with the vista of the Imperial City lighthouse and the White Gold Tower beyond, and introduce your main character through a conversation with a customs officer on the dock as he disembarks the ship.

At least, that's what I felt as I read your introduction. It's a great concept in need of more - more description, more involvement, more sensation (as in feel, taste and smell as well as sounds and vision), more emotion. It doesn't have to be long, just rich and lush in its brief moments. Take each paragraph as you have written it and try to expand it a little bit more (even split them into a few three- or four-sentence paragraphs) - make them full of description. Pull the reader in so s/he's standing beside our dreamer, experiencing what our dreamer experiences. I really liked the idea, but found myself deprived of a rich tapestry of a new story.

I don't want to discourage you from writing. Instead, I want to see you get off to a good start. The advice I've given you so far is just that - advice. But it's based on years of reading all kinds of stories - from trash to great stuff. Though I've never taken anything more than a very basic creative writing course, I have a pretty good feel for what I'd like to spend time with story-wise.

Now for the good stuff. You have a great idea here, DM. No, make it a really great idea. Condensing a torturous tutorial dungeon into a "dream" of the main character is really making this your own. I'm a little envious of that! It shows a level of creativity that needs to be realized. Having the main character be a battlemage promises to make for an intriguing storyline - it's not something I've seen before in the good fan fics I've been reading (unless Jerric counts? Nah!).

You may be new to this stuff (and it does show), but I think you have something there. You'll need to write, write, write to develop your chops, but I really believe you've got what it takes. And there is no problem with going back into this post you've put up and editing it (mALX did that on a regular basis over on the Bethsoft forums - it's how she learned to write like that - her early efforts were laughable by comparison). Try rewriting it in your word processor, then replace the entire post (or just post as a reply with an author's note).

And one other thing - no misspellings! You did miss a capital in underground passages. they were ambushed,, but that's minor stuff. The sentences making up the last two paragraphs felt a little long, but they can each easily be broken up into two shorter sentences.

If you feel in need of a mentor, just PM any of the writers you admire here on this forum and ask if said writer will be willing to help you develop your chops further. Be prepared for criticism, but that's how one learns, right?

This post has been edited by haute ecole rider: Jul 4 2011, 06:31 PM