Snow Day: Intro. Options

[CMX]

Solstheim. 2000, at Thormoore's Watch.

Night fall arrived, as the frigid water sloshed from side to side of canoe. It has been a week since i had last drank, and by the nine it's cold. No amount of gold or alcohol could have forced me to conduct this operation. I, as a former employee and friend of the Dark Brotherhood; My presence was....unfortunately required.

The canoe closed the distance to the snow-capped shore. I dropped the anchor i had rigged from the fish bones i had collected over my trek; and departed from the canoe to the shore. Toting my bow in my right hand, i casually trotted up the rocks, onto the mainland of the area. "Thormoore's watch, if I'm not mistaken." i muttered to my self.

Snapping my head to the left, i raised and readied my bow and arrow. Through the almost consistent snowfall, a figure of a man holding up a small lantern slowly shaped together, as he closed the distance. "Oy! Is there anyone there!?" the figure shouted to me. With a bit of hesitation, i closed in on him, as the snow compacted onto my enchanted cloak. "Just a lost hunter, is all!" I shouted back.

With my bow still sighted in on the man, my fur cloak began to take the shade of snow. My bow even started to fade into the snowstorm. "Where are ya, hunter? Follow my light to shelter!" he shouted again. Soon, the only things that were visible on my person was my lightly pressed foot prints. I tracked and trailed the man, who appeared as a nord, with a good 10 meters of distance between us. Knowing that these nords still on this island tend to have sensitive sense, my arrowhead was always sighted on his legs. I somewhat prayed that he'd run in my direction. It's been a while since ive been sent anywhere to extract an object, all while making contact with no one.

Following the man's large footsteps left me with a trail pointing to a well crafted cabin. The sound and smells brought me to the conclusion that there was at least a family, maybe even children present. Taking no chances, i halted short of the house, watching the man hang his lantern upon his front porch. A large, but beautiful woman greeted the man at the door with a kiss, as they both entered their cabin. "Children....maybe dogs." I murmured to my self. Circling around the perimeter of the house, i cut behind the cabin, in hopes of taking out any guard wolfs. The mumbles and grumbles in the cabin, and the snowed-in pet houses verified my suspicions.

I backed up a few meters away from the large cabin, as i removed my more cumbersome equipment. Stripping down to just my old brotherhood armor, I shoved the rest of my gear into an old owl nest, nestled into the side of a tree. "Just this one, and I swear i'm done." I said, followed by a steadying swig from a bottle labeled: 'Nerve Medicine.' Pulling up his hood and mask, he took a readied stance, with blade in hand.

-Please critique, i know i have horrible spelling and punctuation. Will revise second act after i get back from my niece's bday party. And yes, i havent disclosed my character's age, race, and overall personal discription. ^.^

This post has been edited by CMX: Aug 9 2011, 05:55 PM

[Destri Melarg]

Hi CMX. Don’t get too discouraged with the lack of comments at first. There are so many good stories on this board that sometimes it takes us a while to get to a new one. If you keep at it your readers will eventually come. I agree with mALX in that you need to slow your posting schedule a bit to give us a chance to catch up. Once to twice a week seems to be the standard for an ongoing story.

Now onto the story:

You asked for a critique so I shall try to give you a fair one. Please understand that this is only to point out those things which could be improved, and is not meant to be disparaging. I won’t comment on spelling or punctuation (well, not much at least) because there are those that do it better. My comments will be confined to word choice and/or matters of story. I will also only critique the first post for the sake of brevity.

Solstheim. 2000, at Thormoore's Watch.

First, the use of military time in a story set in the Elder Scrolls universe can be accepted if we can recognize it right away. I would suggest putting ‘hrs’ after 2000 in order to avoid confusion.

Night fall arrived, as the frigid water sloshed from side to side of canoe. It has been a week since i had last drank, and by the nine it's cold. No amount of gold or alcohol could have forced me to conduct this operation. I, as a former employee and friend of the Dark Brotherhood; My presence was....unfortunately required.

You have a good opening. You establish the mood of the story in just a few short sentences. Be careful not to switch past and present tense within the same sentence (has, had), also the Nine insist upon capitalization. You really don’t want Julianos mad at you!

Snapping my head to the left, i raised and readied my bow and arrow. Through the almost consistent snowfall a figure of a man holding up a small lantern slowly shaped together as he closed the distance. "Oy! Is there anyone there!?" the figure shouted to me. With a bit of hesitation i closed in on him as the snow compacted onto my enchanted cloak. "Just a lost hunter, is all!" I shouted back.

Here’s my one piece of punctuation advice. Commas are like ice cream cones. They are comforting and they taste good, but too many will make your writing fat. In the above paragraph I have omitted the unnecessary commas to make it a smoother read. You should also be aware that 'and arrow' is a bit of a redundancy after saying that he 'readied his bow' (but it's not that big a deal). The phrase ‘almost consistent’ is an oxymoron, sort of like ‘wireless cable’ or ‘jumbo shrimp’. It is the combining of contradictory terms or ideas. And it is easier to follow conversations when they are broken into separate paragraphs, like so:

“Oy! Is anyone out there!?” the figure shouted to me.

“Just a lost hunter is all!” I shouted back.

I backed up a few meters away from the large cabin, as i removed my more cumbersome equipment. Stripping down to just my old brotherhood armor, I shoved the rest of my gear into an old owl nest, nestled into the side of a tree. "Just this one, and I swear i'm done." I said, followed by a steadying swig from a bottle labeled: 'Nerve Medicine.' Pulling up his hood and mask, he took a readied stance, with blade in hand.

Finally, in the last sentence, you exchange ‘I’ and 'my' for ‘he’ and 'his.' Remember to be consistent with your POV. Since your main character has been narrating the entire segment, switching to ‘he’ at the end makes it seem as if it is the Nord who pulled up his hood and took a readied stance.

As first fanfics go, this isn’t bad. There are just a few tweaks necessary that are easily addressed through rewriting. Keep it up and you will see your writing improve. I also recommend that you read the other writers on this board and learn from their stories. Acadian, Black Hand, Captain Hammer, Cardboard Box, Grits, haute ecole rider, Helena, Jackie Dice, Kazaera, mALX, minqué, old andy, Olen, SubRosa, Thomas Kaira, and treydog all have good stories up right now. I also suggest reading Zalphon to see the work of someone who has made massive strides as a writer.