Riftens Cyrodilic Journal, First Fan-Fiction, Don't go toooo harsh on me :) Options

[Riften]

Anyway, here's a small tid-bit on Riften: Riften is a kind adventurous Elf who was born in 3E 399 Valenwood, back then he was a religious Bosmer who went on many pilgrimages which gained him high standards with the Divines. Talos granted him Immortality and the Gift to change race and province at any time during his life, But he only does it every couple of years when he feels like his life during that time is uneventful or boring.

During his time travelling all of Tamriel he was Bosmer
During his time in Morrowind he was Dunmer
During his time in Cyrodill he was Manmer
During his time in Skyrim he was Altmer

Chapter 1:The Arrival

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their elegant steeds. As I turned around, I was awestruck, a huge city, Ayleid architecture. I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

I was galloping to the entrance, something caught my eye that made me stop in my tracks, a foul smell crawled up my nose. There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds. That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was. I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton! Thank Talos for that! As I looted the Dunmers badly wounded body, I noticed he was carrying a journal.

He went by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely readable, I squinted my eyes, it says that he was a prisoner in the City jail, poor fellow, he was only a week away from being free when a well dressed Imperial and a group of well armoured warriors, probably his bodyguards. The well dressed Imperial handed him an amulet, at least I think, after all it is barely readable. anyway, lets move on.



That's the end of Chapter 1 anyway, any feedback, tips, etc.... is welcome!

I'll be doing longer updates on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

This post has been edited by minque: Oct 28 2011, 03:39 PM

[Thomas Kaira]

Welcome to the Arena! Glad to see another potential here!

An interesting start, having Dreth be the one who the Emperor met. I guess this invalidates the Dark Brotherhood questline for Riften, eh?

Now, for some advice, particularly on imagery...

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their steeds. As I turned around, I was blown away, a huge city, beautiful architecture, I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

You are using the word 'beautiful' quite a bit in this paragraph. Repeating the same word over and over again in the same description is not very interesting, and makes the scene feel more clinical than life-like. When you are describing things, have fun with the words! Grab up a thesaurus and find a few words you've never used before, or practice your similes or metaphors! Imagery can really sell a story, and it's great fun to write, too! (And great fun to read if you had fun writing it! )

Nits:

There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds, That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was, I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.

There are two comma splices in this sentence (which is to say, that sentence could be split in three with no need to rewrite any of them). The first is rather obvious: between wounds and That (since that is capitalized, I think you intended that comma to be a period). The second is here:
That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was{,} I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.
That comma is spliced. It should be a period.

He goes by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely unreadable, I squinted my eyes, barely able to read, it seems

The bolded text is redundant. No need to explain something you've already explained.

I like what I see so far, and I would definitely encourage you to continue writing. Practice is the best way to get better.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Oct 16 2011, 12:17 AM

[Riften]

Welcome to the Arena! Glad to see another potential here!

An interesting start, having Dreth be the one who the Emperor met. I guess this invalidates the Dark Brotherhood questline for Riften, eh?

Now, for some advice, particularly on imagery...

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their steeds. As I turned around, I was blown away, a huge city, beautiful architecture, I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

You are using the word 'beautiful' quite a bit in this paragraph. Repeating the same word over and over again in the same description is not very interesting, and makes the scene feel more clinical than life-like. When you are describing things, have fun with the words! Grab up a thesaurus and find a few words you've never used before, or practice your similes or metaphors! Imagery can really sell a story, and it's great fun to write, too! (And great fun to read if you had fun writing it! )

Nits:

There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds, That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was, I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.

There are two comma splices in this sentence (which is to say, that sentence could be split in three with no need to rewrite any of them). The first is rather obvious: between wounds and That (since that is capitalized, I think you intended that comma to be a period). The second is here:
That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was{,} I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.
That comma is spliced. It should be a period.

He goes by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely unreadable, I squinted my eyes, barely able to read, it seems

The bolded text is redundant. No need to explain something you've already explained.

I like what I see so far, and I would definitely encourage you to continue writing. Practice is the best way to get better.

Thanks for the greeting, Acadian recommended me to come here and of course the feedback, I edited my post

I Will be sure to keep updating this, seems to be a lot of cool people here from the Official forums, E.g you, Acadian Rosa, Coin etc.....

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 16 2011, 12:38 AM