Riftens Cyrodilic Journal, First Fan-Fiction, Don't go toooo harsh on me :) Options

[Riften]

Anyway, here's a small tid-bit on Riften: Riften is a kind adventurous Elf who was born in 3E 399 Valenwood, back then he was a religious Bosmer who went on many pilgrimages which gained him high standards with the Divines. Talos granted him Immortality and the Gift to change race and province at any time during his life, But he only does it every couple of years when he feels like his life during that time is uneventful or boring.

During his time travelling all of Tamriel he was Bosmer
During his time in Morrowind he was Dunmer
During his time in Cyrodill he was Manmer
During his time in Skyrim he was Altmer

Chapter 1:The Arrival

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their elegant steeds. As I turned around, I was awestruck, a huge city, Ayleid architecture. I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

I was galloping to the entrance, something caught my eye that made me stop in my tracks, a foul smell crawled up my nose. There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds. That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was. I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton! Thank Talos for that! As I looted the Dunmers badly wounded body, I noticed he was carrying a journal.

He went by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely readable, I squinted my eyes, it says that he was a prisoner in the City jail, poor fellow, he was only a week away from being free when a well dressed Imperial and a group of well armoured warriors, probably his bodyguards. The well dressed Imperial handed him an amulet, at least I think, after all it is barely readable. anyway, lets move on.



That's the end of Chapter 1 anyway, any feedback, tips, etc.... is welcome!

I'll be doing longer updates on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

This post has been edited by minque: Oct 28 2011, 03:39 PM

[Acadian]

A warm welcome to you and your story!

I love your concept of the immortal elf who can periodically come back, routinely changing to a different kind of elf. I like the fact that you pay elven homage to the manmer Bretonic race.

* * *

Chapter One. Three paragraphs that tease us right into your story and effectively tell us what we need to know at this point. We have many questions, but that is why we will return to learn more as your manmer reveals it.

Oh, let’s touch on just a few tiny things to consider in your editing.

Capitalization. You use the word ‘Journal’, then in the next sentence use ‘journal’. I would go with the uncapitalized version in both cases. Another way to look at this is to ask, why in the world would you capitalize journal unless you were talking about the title of a specific book like Riften’s Journal or Buffy’s Journal.

Tenses. In your last paragraph, you say he 'goes' by the name Valen Dreth. Two problems here. Valen is dead and your story is in the past tense. Both these factors suggest that he 'went' by the name Valen Dreth. In the next sentence, you use another present tense word, seems. This is less problematic because it can depend on your intent. Seems would be okay if your intent is to imply permanency – using seems in a past tense story implies that Valen did seem and would continue to seem a prisoner. It can be tricky to use and not recommended in this instance.

Long sentences. Short crisp sentences will generally trump long complicated ones. If you review your post, you will see a marked trend toward overly long sentences. Lots of commas are a good clue that your sentences are too long.

Word selection. ‘…journal was poorly written, barely unreadable.’ This doesn’t work and is somewhat analogous to a double negative. If it was barely (or otherwise) unreadable, our hero couldn’t read it. What you want is: ‘…journal was poorly written, barely readable.’ Or, if you prefer, you could say ‘…journal was poorly written, almost unreadable.’

* * *

Chapter Two. I was very surprised to see you posting a new update (albeit they are short). I was in the process of posting my comments on Chapter One when I just happened to check and realize you had just posted Chapter Two. Don’t do that. If you want to post a longer update, say even up to 2000 words, do so, but don’t post updates more often than three times a week. Give people plenty of time to savor your posts and realize that most of us follow quite a few other stories. Don’t burn out your readers by either too much or too fast.

Okay, now Chapter Two itself. We learn much of our mage here. You presented everything in an interesting a logical manner. Clever use of the immigration papers to spill Riften’s essentials to us. Riften then indicates he seems interested in an Arcane education perhaps.

Let me just focus on one troublesome area here:
’I headed into the city, it was filled with bustling people, It truly has grown since I last seen it.
I walked into the office and was greeted by a young Imperial girl'
1. The first sentence is a run on of too many clauses. Even you sort of realize that as you capitalized ‘It’ in the middle of the sentence. Simply rework this into two smooth sentences.
2. At the end of the first sentence, you want ‘saw’, not ‘seen’.
3. Since the second sentence starts a new line, I presume you intend for it to be a new paragraph? If so, add a line space between paragraphs. If it is your intent that it all be one paragraph, then don’t push the last sentence to start its own line.
4. Add a period to the end of the last sentence after ‘girl’.

* * *

Again, I’m so pleased that you are bringing Riften to us here at Chorrol. You are off to a wonderful and interesting start. I very much look forward to reading more - after you give everyone some time to enjoy what you have already posted.