Riftens Cyrodilic Journal, First Fan-Fiction, Don't go toooo harsh on me :) Options

[Riften]

Anyway, here's a small tid-bit on Riften: Riften is a kind adventurous Elf who was born in 3E 399 Valenwood, back then he was a religious Bosmer who went on many pilgrimages which gained him high standards with the Divines. Talos granted him Immortality and the Gift to change race and province at any time during his life, But he only does it every couple of years when he feels like his life during that time is uneventful or boring.

During his time travelling all of Tamriel he was Bosmer
During his time in Morrowind he was Dunmer
During his time in Cyrodill he was Manmer
During his time in Skyrim he was Altmer

Chapter 1:The Arrival

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their elegant steeds. As I turned around, I was awestruck, a huge city, Ayleid architecture. I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

I was galloping to the entrance, something caught my eye that made me stop in my tracks, a foul smell crawled up my nose. There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds. That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was. I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton! Thank Talos for that! As I looted the Dunmers badly wounded body, I noticed he was carrying a journal.

He went by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely readable, I squinted my eyes, it says that he was a prisoner in the City jail, poor fellow, he was only a week away from being free when a well dressed Imperial and a group of well armoured warriors, probably his bodyguards. The well dressed Imperial handed him an amulet, at least I think, after all it is barely readable. anyway, lets move on.



That's the end of Chapter 1 anyway, any feedback, tips, etc.... is welcome!

I'll be doing longer updates on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

This post has been edited by minque: Oct 28 2011, 03:39 PM

[TheBrume]

I quite like this story and I look forward to see what happens next.


There are a few nits however... I will start with chapter five.

"Out of here Bosmer scum! the count has ordered us to get rid of all the Elves in the city!"

......

Damn stereotypes! confusing a Breton for a Bosmer!

What the guard did isn't really a stereotype. It was just racism.
Maybe instead of 'stereotype' just say 'idiot,' because Riften is unhappy about being mistaken for a Bosmer, not the racisim itself.

I sprinted right into it, falling onto the ground I noticed two smug staring down at me.

I think you're missing a word after "smug."

"Fine, Your clear"

"Your" should start with a lowercase "y" unless you replace that comma with a period.

"You! what is a skinny little elf doing here?!"

Opposite of the last nit. There should be a capital letter at "what."

Chapter Six:

I over-heard a couple of Bretons talking about a mysterious tower that has appeared up in the mountains. I knew immediately that it was my home. Ignoring Olav, I approached the two Nords and asked them generously to point out the location on my map.

Two things here. Are they a pair of Bretons or Nords? Second, "generously" isn't an appropriate adverb. "Kindly" or "politely" would be better I think.

Chapter Seven:

I am so disappointed to see this tower go the waste.

This is in the present tense, the rest of the paragraph is in the past tense.

Although I am depressed about leaving my friends and guild mats,

Same problem. You also left out an "e" in "mates."

There are more nits to be picked in previous chapters but I won't comment on them. I think it's silly to pick a nit from the start of one's story. When the author is a good few chapters in.


This post has been edited by TheBrume: Oct 28 2011, 11:28 PM