No Elves in Sovngarde, I've decided to to turn my "A day in Skyrim" adventure i Options

[Elisabeth Hollow]

Hey y'all! The "Today in Skyrim" thing made mee remember how MUCH I love writing, and how much better it is to not just write shutff and hide it. So the first post is going to be the old "chapters" combined along with the new one I just wrote. Feedback welcome, but remember, no one has seen anything I've written in over 8 years, lol

[Acadian]

A warm welcome to the fanfic Arena here at chorrol! Your story has a delightfully quick pace and plenty of action. I really like that Kayla’s mind wanders everywhere from Onmund’s whiskers to why Skyrim doesn’t collapse from all the caves under it.

You did a wonderful job of introducing Kayla to us and gently slipping in numerous aspects of her background. See seems quite the fighter!

Great job in your second chapter with the opening dream! At first it seemed like a beautiful flashback of how Kayla met Onmund but it quickly turned into a nightmare. Then we learn even more of Kayla’s heritage and troubled background – but you leave plenty of mystery still to be revealed.

This story is off to a fabulous start!

Since you asked for constructive criticism, let me offer some very minor typos and such that a touch more final editing can easily reduce -

>From chapter 1:
'If i can smell them, they're too close.'
You want I vs i.

'As a precaution I loaded the strongest fireball spell I had to burnt the corpse of the...corpse.'
I suggest burn vs burnt.

'I grasp the gate bars and ehar Potema speak again.'
Hear, not ehar of course.

'I got two of them with my Ice Form shout, the other with only his arm frozen. sadly, not his sword arm.'
The period after frozen doesn’t work when followed by an uncapitalized sadly. I’d either capitalize sadly to indicate a new sentence or better yet (because the last clause is not really a complete sentence), simply use a hyphen instead of period.

'Any sleep I did get was plauged with nightmares,'
Plagued vs plauged.

'Onmund gave me a small smile but I could tell her was still worried.'
I think Onmund’s a he vs her?

"Take my hand. We are going to the Temple of Kynereth."
Kynareth vs Kynereth.

>And from chapter 2:
'I understand she makes her fortune roaming, but she needs to be more areful.'
Careful vs areful.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Dec 18 2012, 10:55 PM