Eldwin's Challenger Options

[ImperialSnob]

Prolouge

"No sir,we can't do this,it's too big,too high profile!" Eldwin said to Aldrin,Aldrins's face contorted with anger,"What do
you mean too high profile?,we've killed 4 nobles in the past 2 weeks and the only ones getting the blame are the Brotherhood,I think we hid our tracks very well!"

"Yes but this isn't just a local,little-known noble,he's the Count's cousin!" Eldwin shouted trying to get her point across to the stubborn old man.

"I don't care if he's Emperor's brother,the amount of money we'll get from this will be enough to fund my retirerment." Aldrin said.

"Of course,you only want to do it for YOUR retirerment,you never think about ME!" Eldwin screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Don't you EVER raise your voice like that again!" Aldrin shouted back grabbing Eldwin's collar.

Suddenly a sharp pain filled Aldrin's body,Eldwin always had something up her sleeve,this time she litteraly had something up her sleeve,a blade.

"So sad,you were only a day away from retirment." She said with a fake sympathic tone then she let out a loud cackle.

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

An interesting concept and beginning here. It would appear that Eldwin is a skilled assassin that has an unknown rival looking to beat her to her kills, but not for the contract money. Does this mean that Eldwin will get to be paid anyway? Hmmm...

Welcom to the fan fic forums ImperialSnob! As I am sure you know, part of what the writers here do is critique each others work to help them become better at their craft, or hobby, which ever you prefer. The key word is help, so I am going to point out a few nits to pick here.

The first would be regarding punctuation and spacing. You had several instances like this one -

Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.

There should always be a space following a comma.

Also, you have some sentence structure issues, as in this example -

The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.

This paragraph is all one sentence. Some of the commas should probably be periods. It might read better like this -

The count's cousin was in town, or so the people of Leyawiin thought. The horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd, the crowd cheered even louder than before. But the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble, Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight, Sir William Glenius, stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.

I tried to bold the periods and commas, but it's hard to tell. Still, I hope you get the idea.

There are a lot of articles available through Google searches that pertain to punctuation and sentence structure. Also, there are authors here that are much more versed in these subjects than I am. Acadian, treydog, and SubRosa are three that come to mind immediately, and I am sure they would be glad to help in these matters. That's enough from me for now. The story has great promise. Just need to smooth out the delivery.

[ImperialSnob]

An interesting concept and beginning here. It would appear that Eldwin is a skilled assassin that has an unknown rival looking to beat her to her kills, but not for the contract money. Does this mean that Eldwin will get to be paid anyway? Hmmm...

Welcom to the fan fic forums ImperialSnob! As I am sure you know, part of what the writers here do is critique each others work to help them become better at their craft, or hobby, which ever you prefer. The key word is help, so I am going to point out a few nits to pick here.

The first would be regarding punctuation and spacing. You had several instances like this one -

Murmers ran through the crowd,the crowd was filled with shocked and saddened faces,but none as shocked as Eldwin.

There should always be a space following a comma.

Also, you have some sentence structure issues, as in this example -

The count's cousin was in town,or so the people of Leyawiin thought,the horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd,the crowd cheered even louder than before but the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble,Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight Sir William Glenius stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.

This paragraph is all one sentence. Some of the commas should probably be periods. It might read better like this -

The count's cousin was in town, or so the people of Leyawiin thought. The horse pulled carriage came to a halt infront of the crowd, the crowd cheered even louder than before. But the cheers came to a sudden stop after the noble, Herius Gleniwin's trusted and respect knight, Sir William Glenius, stepped out holding a scroll which he opened and read in his booming Nordic voice after clearing his throat.

I tried to bold the periods and commas, but it's hard to tell. Still, I hope you get the idea.

There are a lot of articles available through Google searches that pertain to punctuation and sentence structure. Also, there are authors here that are much more versed in these subjects than I am. Acadian, treydog, and SubRosa are three that come to mind immediately, and I am sure they would be glad to help in these matters. That's enough from me for now. The story has great promise. Just need to smooth out the delivery.

I appericate the help and will take all your CC into considiration.